How To Date And Have Amazing Sex If You Have A Small Penis

You can have great sex, no matter what your penis size is.

How To Date And Have Amazing Sex If You Have A Small Penis

How To Date And Have Amazing Sex If You Have A Small Penis

How To Date And Have Amazing Sex If You Have A Small Penis

Published
September 3, 2021
— Updated
Medically Reviewed by
6 minutes

It’s common to feel insecure about the size of your penis if you think you’re small. After all, pop culture and advertisements often equate larger penises with power and masculinity. But about half of all guys have penises that are “smaller than the average 5 inches.” (1) No matter what size your penis is — average, a micropenis, or something in between — you can experience great sex and fulfilling relationships. Here’s how.

6 tips for dating confidently if you have a small penis

For some people, having a small penis can feel like an obstacle to dating, relationships, and sex. (2) Poor self-image or concern over rejection, especially if you’ve experienced a negative reaction in the past, can stop you from initiating sex, or even approaching potential partners. If this is you, you’re not alone: People from all walks of life have anxiety about dating related to real or perceived differences.(3) Here are six tips to help you feel more comfortable with dating if you have a small dick.

1. Know that size might not matter as much as you think

It’s a common misconception that all people who have sex with men want their partner to have a large penis, but this simply isn’t true: Plenty of people are neutral about penis size or even prefer a smaller dick. Research has shown that a large majority of women don’t care about their partner’s penis size.(4) For people who prefer anal or oral sex, who experience pain during sex, or who have shorter or narrower vaginas, a small dick may actually feel better. And for most people with vaginas, clitoral stimulation — not penetration — is the key to reaching orgasm.(5) Finally, it’s worth mentioning that many trans guys who were born without penises date, hook up, and have successful relationships with people who are attracted to men.

One Redditor who considers themselves to have a small penis commented: “My current girl just loves my small penis as she is very tight and [a] bigger penis caused her always [siq] pain.” Another Redditor commented: “I am a person who has a vagina. Bigger does not equal better […]” 

2. Focus on other aspects of yourself you love

What are you good at? What makes you happy? What are your passions in life? What do your friends and family value in you? Focusing on things that make you feel good about yourself can reassure you that you have a lot to offer, regardless of what’s in your pants. Building skills in an area that interests you, committing to a cause you believe in, and investing in relationships with people who uplift and encourage you are all great ways to increase confidence, improve your wellbeing, and make yourself more desirable to potential partners.

3. Make friends with your dick

Your penis can be a source of great pleasure, no matter your size or shape. But obsessing over the aesthetic, or worrying about being rejected because it’s too small, can diminish your enjoyment of your sexuality. Focusing on self-pleasure through masturbation, figuring out what feels good to you and turns you on, and even experimenting with toys, can be a great way to help you appreciate your dick and what it does for you.

4. Get kinky

Even if you’re not into a fetish or kink yourself, research suggests that people who are into alternative sex practices like kink or polyamory may be more comfortable talking about potentially challenging topics and care less about social norms — like what counts as sex, or what bodies are “supposed” to look like.(6) Additionally, for many people who enjoy kink or fetish play, penetrative sex isn’t the focus. Fetlife.com is an online community for kinky folks who may be more open-minded than average.

5. Know that you may not be for everyone — and not everyone’s for you

While lots of people don’t care if their partner has a small dick, there are people out there who do prefer a larger penis. Rejection can be painful, especially if it’s over something that you can’t change. It can be helpful, though, to think about this in terms of your own preferences: Chances are, you have preferences of your own that might not be entirely rational or fair. It can be helpful to think of your dick as just one part of you that might not be everyone’s cup of tea. A Reddit user shares this experience: “Been with my wife for 8 years now, 2 kids and still having a lot of sex. Stay positive and keep putting yourself out there. Just be confident, if they don’t like you because of your penis then she wasn’t the one.”

6. Seek out a caring mental health professional.

Research has shown that therapy can be very effective in helping guys get past anxiety about penis size (7) and dating in general.(8) Especially if you think you might have body dysmorphic disorder — a mental illness that causes you to fixate on an aspect of your appearance to the point that it disrupts your everyday life — consider getting help from a counselor or therapist. A caring mental health professional can help you come up with strategies to increase your confidence around dating and sex and reduce anxiety about the size of your dick.

How to tell a partner you have a small penis

How you disclose your penis size to a potential partner, or whether you want to bring it up at all, is completely up to you. While it may not be a good idea to disclose this information straight away — say in a dating app bio or in an initial chat with someone new — once you feel there is chemistry and a sexual situation might happen, you might want to tell a partner what’s up. 

When disclosing you have a small dick, be straightforward. You don’t need to apologize for your body. Having a small dick is nothing to be ashamed of and has no bearing on your value as a person or your ability to give someone sexual pleasure. Making a big deal about it, being overly self-deprecating, or acting ashamed can communicate that you lack confidence, and may make the other person uncomfortable. Instead, you can try saying something like: “Before we go any further (have sex/get naked/go on another date/keep talking), I wanted to let you know that my dick is on the smaller side. It’s not a problem for me, but I know that’s not what everyone’s into.”

5 tips for small penis sex

Some people with a small penis may feel limited in their sexual abilities. But there are so many ways to maximize pleasure for yourself and a partner, regardless of size. Here are five tips for having great sex if you have a small penis. 

1. Expand your idea of what “counts” as sex. For some folks who have small penises, penetrative sex may not be very pleasurable, or may not be an option at all. But penetration with a penis is just one sex act on a menu with an almost-infinite number of options for pleasure. By cultivating the ability to please your partner in a wide variety of ways — oral sex, fingering techniques, using toys — you can ensure that sex never gets boring. Intimacy, connection, pleasure, orgasms, or all of the above, can be achieved in countless ways that don’t involve penetration with a penis. 

One Redditor says, “Sex is so much more than penis in vagina… sex is about enjoying a special, intimate moment with someone you find mentally and physically attractive. Touching each other's bodies, grinding against each other, oral sex, rimming, using fingers, using toys, intense kissing and so much more. Just making each other feel good.”

2. Use your whole body. Using your mouth and your hands is a fantastic way to pleasure your partner, especially if they have a clitoris: Many people with vulvas prefer the targeted stimulation of a tongue or fingers when they want to come.(5) And for people with smaller penises, receiving oral can be absolutely amazing. Performing oral sex on a smaller dick can be a lot more comfortable, as there’s less risk of gagging and fatigue. Having your partner rub against you (aka dry-humping or outercourse) can also be super-satisfying for both of you. 

3. Use toys. Vibrators, butt plugs, dildos, suction devices — the list goes on. While some guys are reluctant to use toys because they feel it takes away from their skill, the opposite is actually true: Prioritizing your partners’ pleasure means being open to trying a variety of techniques.

4. Get an assist. There are strap-ons designed to fit over your own penis that feel great for both the penetrator and the person being penetrated. (Sex toy stores like Babeland or She Bop carry a wide variety of toys for every type of body.) These devices have been around for thousands of years — they’re even mentioned in the Kama Sutra! (9)

5. Try sex positions best for small penises. Whether you want to have vaginal, anal, or oral sex with your partner, there are a variety of positions that work well for people with small penises. Here are just a few sex positions that work particularly well for those with a small penis. 

  • Modified missionary. Your partner lies facing you with their legs against your chest or over your shoulders, allowing for deeper penetration. Pillows under the butt or lower back can offer more support.
  • Doggystyle. This is a great option for people with smaller penises, as doggystyle with a larger dick can be painful for vagina owners. This position can be challenging, though, if your partner has a bigger butt. If this is the case, try penetrating them while you stand and they position themselves at the edge of the bed with their face down and butt in the air.
  • Cowgirl/Reverse cowgirl. Having your partner on top lets their body weight increase the depth of penetration. Your partner can be sitting on you, facing you (cowgirl), or they can sit on you, facing away from you (reverse cowgirl). 
  • Anal. The tissues of the anus and rectum are delicate and less elastic than vaginal tissue; this means that a smaller penis can actually be more comfortable when it comes to anal sex. Because the anus is so sensitive, even a very small dick can provide a sensation of fullness and stretching. And whereas someone with an average or above-average cock may have to avoid deep penetration during anal sex, having a small penis can work to your advantage, letting you thrust harder during anal than you might be able to otherwise. No matter what your penis size, though, it’s still important to use lots of lube, go slowly at first, and consistently check in with your partner to ensure safety during anal sex.

The Bottom Line

You don’t have to have a big dick to have amazing sex or fulfilling relationships; connecting with someone sexually has much more to do with chemistry and communication than with your specific anatomy. Working on building your confidence, cultivating a variety of sexual skills and techniques, getting comfortable with your body, and prioritizing connections with people who like you for you is the best way to have rewarding sex and relationships, no matter what your penis size.

Reviewed for Medical Accuracy

Emily A. Klein (she/her) is a freelance writer with deep interests in sexuality and health. As a student of cultural anthropology, she researched and wrote about kink, abortion, harm-reduction approaches to substance use in the LGBTQ+ community, and cross-cultural understandings of gender, sexuality, and the body. She has designed and implemented a sexual health curriculum for adolescent girls, worked with foster youth and those experiencing housing insecurity, and volunteered as an emergency first responder. Her writing has appeared in The Establishment, Edible magazine, The Seattle Lesbian, Slog, and elsewhere.

Join our newsletter

Do you know the biggest myths about sexuality? Learn what others think about sex. Sign up for a free newsletter with answers to weekly anonymous polls about "how important is an emotional connection when you’re having sex?" and more!

References

1. King, B. M. (2020). Average-Size Erect Penis: Fiction, Fact, and the Need for Counseling. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 47(1), 80-89. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2020.1787279

2. Veale, D., Eshkevari, E., Read, J., Miles, S., Troglia, A., Phillips, R., ... & Muir, G. (2014). Beliefs about penis size: Validation of a scale for men ashamed about their penis size. The journal of sexual medicine, 11(1), 84-92. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12294

3. Chorney, D. B., & Morris, T. L. (2008). The changing face of dating anxiety: Issues in assessment with special populations. Clinical psychology: science and practice, 15(3), 224. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2850.2008.00132.x

4. Lever, J., Frederick, D. A., & Peplau, L. A. (2006). Does size matter? Men's and women's views on penis size across the lifespan. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 7(3), 129. https://doi.org/10.1037/1524-9220.7.3.129

5. Puppo, V. (2013). Anatomy and physiology of the clitoris, vestibular bulbs, and labia minora with a review of the female orgasm and the prevention of female sexual dysfunction. Clinical Anatomy, 26(1), 134-152. https://doi.org/10.1002/ca.22177

6. Pitagora, D. (2016). The kink-poly confluence: Relationship intersectionality in marginalized communities. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 31(3), 391-405. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2016.1156081

7. Wylie, K. R., & Eardley, I. (2007). Penile size and the ‘small penis syndrome’. BJU Int, 99(6), 1449-55. https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.938.471&rep=rep1&type=pdf

8. Allen, M., Bourhis, J., Emmers‐Sommer, T., & Sahlstein, E. (1998). Reducing dating anxiety: A meta‐analysis. Communication Reports, 11(1), 49-55. https://doi.org/10.1080/08934219809367684

9. Maxwell, K. (1996). Joys “R” Us. In A Sexual Odyssey (pp. 48-55). Springer, Boston, MA.