What To Know About Having Sex For The First Time

There's a lot of pressure on first-time sex. But there are only a few things that really matter when you’re thinking about exploring your sexuality with another person.

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The Quickie
3 minute read
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The first time you decide to have sex can be both exciting and intimidating. Depending on your background or beliefs, you may have already been told when you should or shouldn’t experience sexual pleasure—or even how to go about it. Untangling these outside notions and ideas can be difficult, but focusing on the following areas will help:

Defining First-Time Sex

There’s a lot of confusing cultural baggage about what “counts” as “losing your virginity” and what it means. The reality, however, is that the whole notion of “virginity” is a deeply flawed and even harmful concept. More often than not, it’s used to shame people for what they choose to do or not do with their bodies. The reality is that the best time to experience sex is when you feel ready.

What does “sex” even refer to? Sex is a pleasurable, intimate interaction with someone else. It can be between people of any gender identity and with any genitalia. Sex doesn’t have to be penetrative, and it doesn’t have to end in orgasm—it’s up to you how you want to define it.

Preparing For First-Time Sex

When you decide you want to have sex for the first time, consent should always be a big part of the equation. Once you and your partner have both consented to having sex, it’s important to discuss how you are going to prevent pregnancy and/or the transmission of STIs by using condoms, gloves, dental dams, birth control, or any other methods of birth control you choose.

What Will It Feel Like The First Time You Have Sex?

There are myths out there that say that the first time you have sex will be uncomfortable and perhaps even painful. The new sensations might feel a bit strange and unfamiliar at first, but pain is not a necessary part of first time sex. You may or may not have some pain—each person is different—and if sex is painful you can stop and try again another time. Using plenty of lube, taking your time to warm up, and communicating with your partner along the way will help keep things comfortable and enjoyable.

Sex is a pleasurable, intimate interaction with someone else. Sex doesn’t have to be penetrative, and it doesn’t have to end in orgasm, it’s up to you how you want to define it.

If you have a vagina and have penetrative sex for the first time, you may experience some tearing, bleeding, or pressure on the vaginal entrance. Some people experience a bit of discomfort and/or pain during this process. Lube and going slowly will help reduce discomfort.

If you have a penis and have penetrative sex in a vagina or anus for the first time, you might  experience friction or irritation on your penis—but lubrication can also help you maximize your enjoyment.

If you’re having oral sex for the first time you may encounter new tastes and sensations to get used to. You might also find that your jaw or tongue get sore with the new motions. Just take a break and swap your mouth for your hand to keep giving your partner pleasure. Lube, again, is a helpful aid!

The new sensations might feel a bit strange and unfamiliar at first, but pain is not a necessary part of first time sex... Using plenty of lube, taking your time to warm up, and communicating with your partner along the way will help keep things comfortable and enjoyable.

No matter what, remember that there’s no one way to have sex, and no “right” way to have sex—there’s only the way that pleases both you and your partner.

Related Articles:

What Are Consent Skills?

How To Find The Clit

Penis Parts And Pleasure

Why Am I Having Pain During Sex?

What Causes Premature Ejaculation?

References

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Video transcript

You know, we're talking about contraceptives here and we cannot neglect to mention that condoms are also a form of contraceptive. And I know often people don't think of it that way because they are considered to be a barrier method which is what they are. But in a nutshell, they're the only ones on the shelves, on the shelves at the stores or wherever that are going to protect you from not one, but two things. Okay, and that is pregnancy and STIs. So condoms should never be left out of this conversation. I just want to be crystal clear.

Does Sex Hurt The First Time?

People say that it hurts the first time you have sex. But is that true? Explore the reasons pain can happen when it’s your first time, and how to reduce the chances of discomfort.

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The Quickie
5 minute read
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There is a prevalent myth that penetrative sex is supposed to hurt the first time - but it doesn’t have to! There are lots of ways to lessen the possibility of pain during sex, including communication, lubrication, and relaxation. 

There are so many different kinds of sex out there, and only you get to decide when is the right time for you and your partner. There’s one no right time or right way to have sex! 

If you are choosing to have penetrative vaginal or anal sex for the first time it might feel like a big deal. After all, our society puts a lot of pressure and expectations on first time sex, especially penetrative types of sex.

While pain does sometimes happen during sex, it’s our body’s way of telling us that something is off - and it’s time to take a step back and reassess. Read on to explore the reasons why sex might be painful when it’s your first time.

Why Sex Might Be Painful The First Time

Uncomfortable Position

Switch it up! Different bodies fit better together in different ways, not to mention feeling better with different speeds or depth of penetration. If something’s not working, move around or use a pillow to get more comfortable. Try going slower, and reducing the depth of penetration.

Need More Lube

Vaginas produce some natural lubrication, but stress, medication, or hormones, can affect lubrication. Not being naturally lubricated doesn’t mean someone isn’t turned on! Even if you have plenty of natural lubrication, keeping a bottle of lube on hand is always a good idea.

If something’s not working, move around or use a pillow to get more comfortable. Try going slower, and reducing the depth of penetration.

An anus doesn’t produce natural lubrication so if you’re having anal sex for the first time you will definitely want a lube on hand. Silicone lube is often preferred for anal because it lasts longer, but water-based is also a good choice for a more gel-like feel.

Nervousness Or Fear

Due to society’s expectations and hoopla around the first time a person has partnered sex, some folks feel a little freaked out, nervous, or stressed the first time they do it. These feelings and lack of relaxation can cause pelvic muscles to tighten, causing pain. 

Communicating with a partner about these feelings can help, as well as taking time to warm up with other activities. If penetrative sex doesn’t feel good in that moment, there’s no reason you have to continue with it, even if you’ve been planning it for that particular night. There are so many different ways to get sexy with a partner, and pausing to cuddle or make out for a while before trying again is always an option!

The Hymen

Some fears around first time vaginal sex stem from misinformation about the hymen, which is a thin tissue at the opening of the vagina. Everyone’s hymen is a little different, and some stretch or tear more easily than others. The hymen can tear while playing sports or just reduce in size over time, so it’s not reliable way to tell if someone has ever had intercourse before. The hymen could also break during first time sex and you might experience some bleeding or might not even notice at all!

Possible Condition Or Infection

Common infections like a yeast infection or vaginosis can cause pain or discomfort during sex, as well as other conditions like vaginismus. Some folks choose to drink alcohol or use numbing creams to mask the pain, but that’s not a good idea, the real cause needs to be dealt with so you can experience pleasure. It’s important to get checked out and diagnosed by a doctor or clinician in order to get the right treatment or pelvic floor physical therapy exercises.

You may want to get comfortable with your own anatomy and the sensation of penetration beforehand using your fingers or a sex toy.

Learn Your Body

If you’re concerned about the possibility of pain during intercourse for the first time, you may want to get comfortable with your own anatomy and the sensation of penetration beforehand using your fingers or a sex toy. Practicing can help you get used to the sensations, help the muscles learn how to respond, and can also increase your emotional comfort around the activity.

Communicate If Sex Is Painful 

If someone is in pain or uncomfortable for any reason at all, it’s time to pause and discuss with their partner how to make sure everyone is feeling good! Penetrative sex is seen in our culture as the “home run” goal of sex, and all other kinds of sex should lead up to it. However, if it doesn’t feel good in that moment, that’s okay! 

Sex can be anything that consenting partners want it to be. It doesn’t have to always lead up to penetration or orgasm; it could just be a way of exploring each others bodies and having fun together, building connection, and making each other feel good. Don’t feel limited, and communicate your needs!

Related Articles:

10 Things To Consider Before Having Sex For The First Time

5 Myths About First-Time Sex

How Do I Know When I’m Ready To Have Sex For The First Time?

What To Know About Having Sex For The First Time

First-Time Sex: What To Know About Consent

References

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