Communicating your desire is the first step in getting what you want. Advocating for your pleasure can be a powerful and sexy act of self-love. It may seem scary to ask for what you want in bed — especially the first few times — but practice makes perfect. The more you get used to communicating your needs, the better sex you’ll have.
You know what would be so hot?
In order to successfully ask for what you want, you need to know what you like. What does foreplay mean to you? What actions or words help get you in the mood? When you begin to interact, what kind of touch do you prefer, and where? What kind of sex acts do you like and what is strictly off the table? If these questions are difficult to figure out, try reading erotica, watching porn, masturbating, or fantasizing what your ideal sexual encounter might be like.
The next step is to have a few handy phrases to use when you’re starting to get hot and heavy with someone you like. “You know what I would love to try? or “You know what would be so hot?” or “It would feel so good if you…” are great ways to broach a conversation about what would contribute to your pleasure. Although these are perfect things to say in person in the moment, it’s also possible to advocate for your pleasure via email, DM, or text if you’re chatting with a partner or lover before you meet up in person.
You know what I would love to try?
When you start expressing yourself openly and honestly, it’s normal to feel awkward or vulnerable. Don’t get frustrated if you need to repeat yourself or keep guiding your partner with your words or your hands in the beginning. There is definitely a learning curve with asking for what you want, so don’t get frustrated if someone isn’t able to fully understand. That said, if you find yourself with someone who isn’t interested in taking verbal and physical cues from you about what turns you on, it might be time to find someone who is. After all, sex should be a consensual, pleasurable experience for everyone involved, and feeling heard and seen is a vital part of the sexual equation.
Myths and facts
Setting the record straight.
At O.school, we know that few things are one-size-fits-all. Read on for insights from Pleasure Professionals and other experts:
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