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The Quickie
2 minute read

The best way to get what you want in bed is to ask for it. Advocating for your pleasure can be a powerful and sexy act of self-love. It may seem scary to ask for what you want in bed, especially the first few times, but practice makes perfect. The more you get used to communicating your needs, the better sex you’ll have!

In order to successfully ask for what you want, you need to know what you like. What does “foreplay” mean to you? What actions or words help get you in the mood? What kind of touch do you prefer? And where do you like to be touched? What kind of sex acts do you like and what is strictly off the table?

You know what would be so hot...

If you’re not sure what you’re into sexually, try reading erotica, watching porn, masturbating, or fantasizing about what your ideal sexual encounter might be like to give you some ideas. Once you know what you’re into, it’s time to communicate those needs and desires to your partner(s).

How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

When it comes to communicating your sexual needs and desires, a few handy phrases can go a long way. Use these three simple conversation starters the next time things are getting hot and heavy with a partner:

  • “You know what I would love to try...?
  • “You know what would be so hot...?”
  • “It would feel so good if you…”

You have the option of advocating for your pleasure in other ways, too. If discussing these matters in-person feels too overwhelming, a quick email, DM, or text also works! Chatting with a lover or partner in a setting outside of the bedroom feels more comfortable for some people.

Communicating Your Desires Can Feel Vulnerable AF!

When you start expressing yourself openly and honestly, it’s normal to feel awkward or vulnerable. Don’t get frustrated if you need to repeat yourself or keep guiding your partner with your words or your hands in the beginning. There is definitely a learning curve with asking for what you want, so don’t get frustrated if someone isn’t able to fully understand.

You know what I would love to try...

That said, if you find yourself with someone who isn’t interested in taking verbal and physical cues from you about what turns you on, it might be time to find someone who is. After all, sex should be a consensual, pleasurable experience for everyone involved, and feeling heard and seen is a vital part of the sexual equation.

Related Articles:

What Are Consent Skills?

How To Define The Relationship You Want

Eating Pussy Tips

How To Give The Best Blowjob Ever!

How To Flirt

How To Talk Dirty


Myths and facts

Setting the record straight.

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Video transcript

I think there's this idea out there that sex is like just so natural and that everyone should just know how to do it. I'm like everybody can't sing, everybody can't. Sex is also a skill that you learn and every single body is different. I think this idea of I'm gonna show you what I like is really important, because what I like might be different from what the last person you were with liked. It's not responsible, or it's not going to increase pleasure for any of us to just assume that we know each others' bodies. This conversation of I like this and I know this about myself and you can trust what I'm telling you about my body, because I also think that people are trusted when they talk about their bodies. This idea that you don't know what I like and what I want because I'm different and I want to share that with you. I want us to grow and learn and practice what each other need to bring more pleasure into our relationship.