If you asked 100 people to describe how an orgasm feels, you’d get 100 different answers. No matter how you put words to it, this indescribable, pleasurable feeling is something that most of us desire during our sexual interactions. Yet unfortunately it’s still common for people to fake orgasms and/or experience the “orgasm gap”—a term used to describe the disparity in orgasm frequency between partners having heterosexual sex.
While the goal of sex doesn’t always have to be orgasm, you have the right to pursue the pleasure you desire!
Here are 10 tips to help you have better orgasms—and banish the orgasm gap for good:
1. Don’t Try To Orgasm
The only thing more annoying than having someone ask you repeatedly “Did you cum? Did you cum? Did you cum?” is getting stuck inside your head and pressuring yourself to orgasm. It’s understandable, however, why this happens; society has taught us all that sex starts with penetration and ends with an orgasm. But often this huge focus on orgasming takes us out of the moment and drives performance anxiety.
Remember that orgasms don’t have to be the goal of every sexual experience, so there’s no need to pressure yourself to have one. And learning to relax and feel all the pleasurable feelings your body is experiencing can make sex more deeply satisfying—orgasms or not.
Learning to relax and feel all the pleasurable feelings your body is experiencing can make sex more deeply satisfying.
Everyone’s body is different. It’s unfair to expect someone to know exactly how to navigate your body to help you have an orgasm if you’ve never talked about it. If you need someone to go faster, slower, harder, softer, switch positions, etc., it’s important that you let them know. Communicating during sex about what you desire ensures that everyone is being pleasured exactly as they want to be.
If you don’t know what you need to orgasm, masturbating is a great way to learn your body. During solo sex you can explore different speeds, positions, pressures, and kinks to identify what your body does and doesn’t enjoy. Learning how to bring yourself to orgasm means that you can share that information with your partner. And don’t be afraid to touch yourself during partner sex! If your own hand does the trick best, then use it! Play to your strengths.
If you don’t know what you need to orgasm, masturbating is a great way to learn your body.
4. Explore All Your Pleasure Zones
During sex we often only focus on what’s between our legs, but there are pleasure zones all over our bodies. Nipples, lips, toes, butts, hair, minds, necks can all be sources of immense pleasure—to the point where people have experienced nipplegasms or braingasms! Exploring all parts of your body allows you to discover different ways to optimize pleasure.
Despite all the intense, romantic, and steamy sex scenes we see in movies, sex can also be comical, aggressive, or fun. From roleplaying to naked play-fighting, playing prior or during sex can help build excitement and anticipation for what’s to come.
6. Use Lube
There’s a lot of misleading myths about lube and what it means if you use it. Some people believe that lube should only be used if you’re old. Some believe that lube is only needed for penis-in-vagina sex. Others believe that using lube means you’re frigid. But all of that is fake news. The truth is that using lube helps decrease friction during penetration, which increases the pleasurable sensations you experience.
Using lube helps decrease friction during penetration, which increases the pleasurable sensations you experience.
7. Add Sex Toys
Some people may find adding sex toys to their bedroom routines to be intimidating, but for many it’s a way to ensure maximum pleasure. Whether you’re excited to play with vibrators, anal beads, nipple clamps, strap-ons, blindfolds, etc., incorporating sex toys not only helps to spice up sexy time, but also increases opportunities for orgasms.
8. Tune In To Your Senses
So often when we’re having sex, we focus on only two of our five senses: sight and touch. But engaging in other senses can heighten arousal and pleasure. Making a playlist of your favorite sexy songs, using dirty talk, lighting candles, eating chocolate, and burning incense are all ways to engage your other senses and have a full-body sexual experience.
9. Try Edging
Edging is a technique that involves bringing yourself or your partners close to orgasm, then decreasing the stimulation, and slowly bringing them to the point of orgasm again. This process of delaying orgasms can continue for as long as you want and/or are able, and typically intensifies orgasms when you do get that final release.
Edging intensifies orgasms.
10. Check In With Your Partner After One Of You Comes
Too often, one person orgasms and rolls over, leaving the other person unsatisfied. Checking in with one another throughout the sexual experience allows for people to ask for what they want or need, even if one partner has already orgasmed. Having a sexual relationship where you’re invested in ensuring one another’s pleasure and orgasms is essential for decreasing the orgasm gap—and increasing the fun.