True or false: If you have a penis, you have to be hard before you can get down to sexy time.
It’s false. So false. Viagra ads may have you believe sex can’t happen if you can’t well, rise to the occasion, but that isn’t reality. Pleasure is about much more than just penetration.
People with penises might struggle to get an erection for a lot of reasons: anxiety, prostate issues, and high blood pressure, to name a few. Because ongoing erectile issues can point to an underlying physical or mental health problem, it’s important to consult with a urologist or sex therapist to rule out any major health concerns.
Regardless, sometimes your penis just stays soft. A soft dick doesn’t mean you can’t still have sex, though. By expanding your definition of what sex means, you can keep creating fulfilling and satisfying experiences – with or without a woody.
The head of the penis contains around 4,000 nerve-endings, and you don’t need to have an erection to stimulate those — they’re sensitive no matter what. So, if your cock is soft, it’s okay. You don’t need to work toward getting an erection or ejaculating for sex to “count.” There are plenty of sexy and sensual things you can do to feel good without an erection.
If you’re struggling to imagine your sex life without penetration, try these cock-pleasing techniques.
Before you get started, know that when we say “cock-pleasing” we don’t just mean the shaft. People with penises have many different feel-good areas around their pelvis.
You may know that the head of the penis and the balls are sensitive, but so is the frenulum (the small ridge of skin where your penis head meets the shaft). If you’re uncircumcised, gently pull back your foreskin. Pay attention to the underside of your cock. Feel that little ridge where the head of your dick connects with the rolled back skin? That’s your frenulum. If you’re circumcised, your frenulum may be less obvious (or no longer there in its entirety), but feel for a ridge in that same head-meets-shaft area. Your perineum (the area of skin between your balls and your asshole) is sensitive, too.
When handling a soft cock, remember your grip should adjust to accommodate the softness. Rather than wrapping your whole hand around the cock as you might if it was hard, slowly stroke it with your fingertips and some lube. After a little while, your grip can begin to tighten up. Lightly close your hand (your hand should feel more cupped than like a fist) and use a rocking motion to stimulate the penis, paying extra attention to the balls and the frenulum.
You can still give oral sex to a soft cock. Sure, you might not deep-throat, but you don’t need to. Run your tongue up and down the frenulum, over the balls, and around the head of the cock. Use your hands to help you keep the cock in place — you can even massage the ballsack and perineum with your hand while you focus your oral attention to the head and frenulum, or vice versa. The perineum is the area of skin between the balls and the anus and is sensitive to light touch and massage. As with all blowjobs, incorporating licking and kissing in other areas like the balls, perineum, inner thighs, anus, etc. in addition to the penis can feel really great.
Try a Cock Ring
Cock rings work by restricting the blood vessels in a penis, which makes blood leave your penis more slowly. Some people wear them to help erections last longer, but you can also wear them to help your softy stiffen up a bit. Try wearing one during play. Even if they don’t help you get an erection, the extra blood flow in the penis can increase sensation, which means that you’ll feel everything just a little bit more.
If you still want to try vaginal penetration, try stuffing. You’ll likely want lube for the initial “stuff” but it’s up to you if you want to continue using it afterward. Use your hand, or your partner’s, to guide your penis into their vagina. You may want to use your fingers or your partner’s to help open them up, and use your ab muscles to press your cock inside of them. From there, don’t focus on an in-and-out motion — instead, use a lotus position, both partners sit upright, one on top of the other. You each wrap your legs around each other as if you were trying to sit criss-cross and gently rock back and forth together, focusing on the feeling of fullness and pressure. (Pro-tip: Don’t try this with anal play. The anus’ entry muscles are pretty strong, which would make stuffing almost impossible, leading to further frustration.)
Use a Toy
From penis sleeves to vibrators, there are tons of toys for penises out there, and most of them can be used whether your penis is hard or soft. Hot Octopus is one company that designs toys for penises, and their Pulse line can be used to help soft or hard penises ejaculate — it’s designed using the same technology that sperm banks use to gather sperm samples from people with nerve damage. Traditional vibrators, like a wand or bullet vibrator, can also be used to stimulate the penis. Just lightly run them down the head of the penis, over the frenulum, and down the penis’ ridge. You can also use them on your nipples and on the perineum (but don’t try to put anything into the anus that doesn’t have a flared base. That’s a quick ticket to the emergency room).
Grind Up On It
A soft penis doesn’t mean that you can’t still take a ride. Start by keeping your clothes (or at least your underwear on) and sit in either a lotus position or in modified missionary with one partner on top. Fold the soft penis upward so that the frenulum is facing up and grind your bodies together. Try this during an intense make-out session — the pressure and friction from grinding combined with intense kissing can be intimate and exhilarating. This positioning works if your partner has a vulva or if they have a penis. Grinding is for everyone! If your partner does have a penis and one of you has an erection, have that person be the bottom person for these positions.
Having a soft cock doesn’t mean that your sex life is over — it means that you get the chance to explore a whole new world of sexual sensations. Try some of these techniques and your softy will thank you.