Whether you’ve been doing long distance for years or have been forced into the new arrangement due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and coinciding shelter-in-place rules, being physically distant from your partner can be a drag. However, just because you’re not in the same space as your boo doesn’t mean your sex life needs to be put on pause. In fact, there are a variety of ways to keep sex interesting when apart from your partner — all you need to do is get creative and put technology to work.
If you’ve been looking for some inspiration on how to freshen up your long-distance relationship in the interim, we have a few expert-derived solutions that could give your sex life that much-needed breath of fresh air.
Sext, and sext often. Shooting your partner a dirty message on the daily can help keep your sex life exciting — but it doesn’t have to stop at just messages and photos. Dr. Jess O’Reilly, resident sexologist at ASTROGLIDE, recommends sending voice notes and sound clips to enhance the sexting experience.
Voice recordings of your masturbation sessions or your voice telling your partner what you want them to do to you can be a super hot alternative to the basic sext. And if you’re not comfortable recording your own sound bites, Dr. O’Reilly suggests using a sound from Bijoux Indiscrets’ “Orgasm Sound Library.”
Give phone sex a try. Phone sex may seem like a sexy pastime of yore, but in actuality, couples who do long-distance may find success in reviving the practice. Talking dirty over the phone without a visual aid allows your imagination to run wild. You and your partner can create scenarios that only exist in your mind. Describe how you want your partner to touch themselves. Tell them about a sexy piece of lingerie you could be wearing. Paint a picture, and make it naughty.
“The cure to becoming a more confident dirty talker? Practice!” Carmel Jones, sex coach and contributor to The Big Fling, tells O.school. “Practice talking dirty to yourself in the mirror, get comfortable with the language and allow for a safe non-judgemental space when you and your partner try it out.”
And if you’re having a hard time getting into a roleplay headspace, then work with what you’ve got. “Try talking through past experiences and memories with your partner,” Jones suggests. “It gives you something to latch onto and imagine while you are getting the words out. It also gives you and your partner a chance to relive those moments.”
Try video chatting to roleplay and explore fantasies. Similar to phone sex, video chatting opens up an entirely new world of roleplaying possibilities. Have you ever wanted to have a one-on-one session with a cam girl? Or maybe one of your sexual fantasies involves mutual masturbation over FaceTime.
“We all have fantasies, and exploring them while apart can be exciting and enjoyable,” Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, tells O.school. “Make sure you speak with your partner about their fantasies, preferences, and what they’d like to explore to make sure you’re both comfortable and on the same page.”
Send each other naughty gifts in the mail. Sex toys, lube, nudes, etc. will break up your partner’s mundane daily delivery of bills and Amazon packages. Jones even recommends sending each other used panties and underwear.
Jones says, “To make it even sexier, you can masturbate in your panties, tape it, and ship the used undergarments to your partner so that they can enjoy your scent while they picture you getting hot and bothered!”
Of course, simple love notes are just as fun to receive via snail mail, as well. Whatever floats your boat.
Play a sexy game over text or video call. Think “Never Have I Ever” or “Simon Says,” but naughty. Sex educator, coach, author, and researcher Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez tells O.school that a simple sex game can get you and your partner’s hearts racing.
“First, connect through a video platform you trust and position yourselves so you can easily see each other. Then, you may choose to take turns or to give one another simultaneous instructions like 'drip cool water on your breasts/chest slowly,' or 'use your middle finger and with super light pressure, flick your clitoris until I tell you to stop,' or 'grab your favorite vibrator and hold it under your balls,' etc.”
Rosenstock Gonzalez continues, “It can be hot to watch your partner's reactions to what you're telling them to do and also offers you an opportunity to learn new tricks for your next in-person rendezvous!”
Use an app designed for couples. There are currently several apps on the market designed with couples’ sex lives in mind. Pillow, for example, aims to better communication between partners through audio exercises. Kindu offers a wide variety of different games and kinks to try that couples can swipe through to figure out which of their kinks align.
Draft a collaborative sex bucket list. Nicole Arzt, a licensed marriage and family therapist and mental health content expert for invigormedical.com, recommends that couples doing long-distance should put together a sex bucket list, detailing all the things they wish to achieve in their sex life.
“A collaborative sex bucket list encourages both partners to think of what they want to try in the bedroom,” Arzt tells O.school. “I recommend keeping this on a password-protected Google Doc, so you both can add to it whenever inspiration strikes.”
Read the same sex-heavy book or erotica. Diving into the same book when you’re apart is a fun and unique way to stay connected, and reading an erotic book can lead to steamy conversations.
“Read a book about sex at the same time when you are apart. Kind of like a virtual book club, where you each read sections (or the whole thing) and then on a virtual date night, you talk about what you read,” Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Alisha Sweyd tells us.
“Share what you learned from the book that you didn't know before, share something that really resonated with yourself and your sexual experiences, and ask your partner what they would want you to remember most from the book regarding the partner's desires for this relationship.”
Buy yourself a partner-controlled toy. Technology has made sex toys so much more fun. Rosenstock Gonzalez recommends investing in one of the newer sex toys that come with apps that allow one partner to control the speed and rhythm of the other’s masturbation session. Many of these partner-controlled toys can be used at long distances, and are discreet enough that they can even be worn and controlled outside of the bedroom (if you catch our drift).
Long-distance relationships can be hard and can be made even harder with so much uncertainty and strife in the world. But, with the help of tech and some creative thinking, your sex life doesn’t have to suffer.