September 19, 2019

How To Introduce Sex Toys To Your Partner

Wanna bring a sex toy into the bedroom, but not sure if your partner’s interested? Here’s how to start that conversation.
Written by
Micki Allen
Published on
September 19, 2019
Updated on
What's changed?

Whether you’ve played solo with sex toys and found a favorite you’d like to share with your partner or you’re simply curious about what kind of newness and spice these little novelties may bring to your partnered sexy times, introducing them to your significant other can make you feel awkward or vulnerable. The good news is that suggesting sex toys can be as simple as suggesting a new recipe for dinner!

Think Of Sex Like Pizza...

Sharing your desires isn’t always easy, but many people find that the feelings of empowerment and pleasure that follow are worth the challenge. It’s helpful to think of the process like placing an order for a pizza. You and your boo may enjoy sharing a cheese pizza together, but what if one night you’re really craving some pepperoni? How difficult would it be to ask if the two of you can add something a little extra? “Hey, Boo, I’m really craving pepperoni tonight,” isn’t likely to completely derail your dinner plans. With the right framework, asking for something a little extra in the bedroom will be similarly stress-free!

Recognize That Sexual Appetites Fluctuate

You may be concerned that your partner will think there’s something wrong with the way they already… ahem… cook for you. But it’s a simple fact of life that all of our appetites ebb and flow—and that includes our sexual appetites. Most of the time you may absolutely crave your standard cheese pizza, but it’s also totally normal to want to mix things up on occasion. And that’s not a knock against cheese pizza! Just because you have a hankering for pepperoni one night in no way takes away from the deliciousness of a piping hot cheese pie.

Adding toys to your play does not mean that there’s something wrong with your sex life

The same can be said about adding toys to the pleasure you and your partner already enjoy in the bedroom. It’s important that both partners understand that adding a toy or two to your play doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” or lacking in your sex life. On the contrary, having a wider variety of “tools” in your pleasure pantry merely enhances the pleasure you’re already enjoying and adds the variety and novelty that sexual beings often crave. Affirming that you love the sex you already share with your partner and that you’re merely looking to build on this foundation is a helpful first step when you broach the topic of toys.

Go Toy Shopping Together

We may enjoy a little spontaneity from time to time when it comes to sex, but just like it's best to ask your partner what pizza they like before you place the order, it's good to have a conversation with your partner about which sex toys you’re into—before just showing up with one in the bedroom.

Once you’ve covered the basics, researching and shopping for toys together is a great way to explore play as a couple. Not only does it allow both partners to talk frankly about their individual wants and desires, it also builds delicious anticipation of the mutual fun that is waiting on the horizon. Try shopping together at Good Vibrations, where you’ll find lots of delicious goodies on the menu.

Researching and shopping for toys together is a great way to explore toy play as a couple

If Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Try Sex Toys

Of course, if your partner doesn’t like pepperoni, you aren’t going to force it on them. You may be able to come to an agreement about a different new topping, say sausage or pineapple. The good news is that the variety of sex toys is vast and growing all the time. But what if your partner doesn’t want to try using sex toys with you at all? If this is the case, it’s important to respect your partner’s wishes. There’s a chance that they’ll change their mind down the road, but if they’ve made it clear they aren’t interested, it’s best to leave the discussion for another time.

If your partner is skeptical about why people would even use sex toys, maybe they’d enjoy watching you use one on your own. Once they see how much fun it is, they might want to join in...

More Food For Thought:

  • Toys are meant to enhance your time together, not to replace you or your partner.
  • Honest communication is the key to your mutual enjoyment.
  • Your comfort level will affect your partner’s comfort level. Be sure to broach the subject when you’re both relaxed and at ease.
  • Don’t try to go gourmet on your first go-round. Start with something simple and non-threatening (massage candles, tiny vibes, card games are inexpensive appetizers).
  • There’s no rule dictating that you have to use “couple’s toys.” Thankfully, there are a growing number of toy options to satisfy the appetites of both partners in non-binary as well as binary pairings. That said, toys you may already relish on your own can be used by both of you. In fact, anything you two use together becomes a couple’s toy. So, whatever you decide to savor tonight, bon appétit!
Reviewed for Medical Accuracy

Relationship coach and sex educator Micki Allen bases her work both in sexual technique and Christian values of love, joy, and grace. Micki helps women and genderqueer people enrich their intimate lives and identify needs and boundaries; as a minister, she also assists clients with healing from religious shame and trauma. @themickiallen

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