We're In Love, But Our Sex Life Sucks

Most of us buy into the fantasy that once we’re in love, everything falls into place and we’ll have a happily ever after. We’re soon hit with the hard reality, however, that a relationship — even the most loving ones — need constant care and attention

In this stream, intimacy and relationship coach Micki Allen talks about what to do if you love your partner, but your sex life is suffering. 

You can begin by identifying any external factors affecting libido — medication, mental health issues, work hours and schedule, kids, changing bodies and self-perceived flaws, etc. It can take a lot to work through these things — whether that’s trying different meds, experimenting with a regimented schedule to help anxiety, seeing a nutritionist, or telling your partner how you feel. But simply defining and talking about the external factors takes honesty and vulnerability, and this form of communication, in and of itself, can be an intimate experience. 

Besides being emotionally intimate through communication, you can try exploring other forms of intimacy before attempting physical intimacy. You can be spiritually intimate, for example, by connecting through touch that isn’t necessarily sexual. You can be intellectually intimate by connecting on ideas, books, or ways of seeing the world. You can be experientially intimate by sharing new bonding experiences like traveling, or simply going on a hike together.  These forms of intimacy can help bring you to a place where you’re comfortable discussing your wants, needs, and desires and trusting that your partner will be receptive. You can either communicate your wants and needs, or figure those things out together through sensual massage or pleasure mapping

“[...] pleasure mapping is sort of seeing your body as a map, and discovering all of the ways your body can feel pleasure, by touch or by stroke, even by tasting certain things, or hearing certain things,” says Allen.  

Pleasure mapping and having honest conversations about your do’s and don’ts can also be a technique to try if you feel your partner is a bad lover or that you’re not sexually compatible. Sex, like any other skill, can be developed and the first step is knowing what you want. If you want your partner to be more sexually adventurous, or explore kink, Allen suggests finding a movie — not porn — where your kink is represented. This can initiate conversation around it. Ask what they think, if they thought it looked interesting, if they’d like to try something like that. While this may seem a bit forward, the only way to get the sex you want, is to ask. Of course, this is very vulnerable as your requests may be rejected, but that is all part of learning your partner’s sexual boundaries. It’s important to respect those boundaries, but if your partner feels open to having those boundaries eventually pushed, take things slow. 

No matter how much we love our partner, or how long we’ve been together, physical intimacy issues are bound to arise at some point. Just remember, communication is the best entryway into other forms of intimacy: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential. Exploring intimacy in ways that don’t involve sex — even if that’s intimately talking about the issue — can eventually lead to great sex.

Video transcript

My name is Micki Allen, and I am at mickiallencoaching.com, where I am an intimacy and relationship coach, as well as an advanced sexuality and pleasure educator. And I just wanna thank you all for joining me, and spending your time on this Monday evening with me. Today we're going to be talking about being in love, but maybe having a less than desirable sex life. And you know,sometimes people will say, you know hey, my partner and I are already in love, so is the sex really that important? And I say a very hardy and resounding yes. Yes, it is important. We are sensual and sexual beings. And so we'll be talking today a little bit about how to keep desire alive, and having a more intimate communication, so that we can have better lovemaking with our partners. And if you're just joining, my name is Micki Allen of Micki Allen Coaching, where I am an intimacy and relationship coach, as well as an advanced sex and pleasure educator. And today we're going to be talking about how we can be in love with our partners, but our sex does not always quite sync up. And again, sometimes the question is, you know hey, my partner and I are already in love, half the battle is won, right, so is the sex really that important. And yes, absolutely it is. And I think that it's important for, especially for my Christian followers to note, you know in Genesis chapter 2 verse 24, we're told mankind will leave their family, and cleave to their spouse, okay. And in Jewish tradition, your family was second only to God. Okay, and so we're given this leave, cleave and become one edict, at the very beginning, okay. And so we are told that we will leave our family, cleave unto our spouse, and it says the two will become one flesh. Let that sink in for just a minute, because it says the two will become one flesh. It doesn't say the two will become one mind. It doesn't even say, and hello this is the Bible, it doesn't say the two will become one spirit. No, it says the two will become one flesh. And I think that that speaks to the centrality of sex in our partnered union. It is something that is expected, and something that is beneficial to the relationship, and so for us to say, well we love each other, you know, but we're just gonna kinda ignore the sex. I don't think that that is the right thing to do, and I don't believe it's the holy thing to do either. And you know, sometimes it feels like sex is sort of the chimera of our relationships, right? It's just that something that just quit not attainable, or something that's just without our reach, you know. And again, we're so inundated by media, and Hollywood, and the romance novels, that you know, our sex lives are just gonna be this instant passion and instant, you know coming together, and everything we do is gonna feel good. No consent, no discussionis necessary, right, and it's just gonna be boom, bam, pow, and the earth is gonna shake. Well that's not real life, that is just not real life. And so yes it's possible to be very in love with someone, and still not have that you know, very important compatibility with your intimacy. And so we're going to be talking about that in this workshop, you know, today, about how we can keep that desire alive, and how we can channel it in the right way, so that we can talk to our partners about our intimacy, and how we can build actually a better sex life with our partners, because it is possible. You know here in the United States, we're not taught about how to have successful relationships. Our first relationship advice, so to speak, comes from our own parents. And when you consider, you know, that over half of married couples divorce in the United States, what does that tell us? We're not getting you know, very functional and wonderful, you know, relationship advice. And, who are we learning our sex education from? Right, we're certainly not learning it our schools. We're not learning about pleasure in our schools, that is for sure. Because in fact in most states, the few states that require, you know, sex ed, also stipulate that the word pleasure itself cannot be used. So that's not an education at all. But, you know, so if you're in love, right, and you find that sex with your partner is not desirable, or is less than desirable, or even nil, just not even there, what are your choices? What can you do? Well, you can masturbate more Which, you know I guess is an option, but that's not really gonna be building your relationship, right? You can end the relationship, but I know for many, when you're in love with someone, that's just not an option. Right, that's really a non-option, not really an option. You can, you know, accept what the limitations are, and work as a couple together to try to work within those constraints, to see what you can do, because while your sex life isn't always just about penetrative sex, it's you know, that level of intimacy, that physical intimacy is so, so important. And you know, you can acknowledge and manage your... So you can acknowledge and manage your expectations, but you can also, and here's the good news, you can communicate on a more intimate level, right, and you know, deepen that intimacy. And practice certain touching techniques, and pleasure techniques that will allow you both to learn and grow together in your own education, as a couple in sex, right. So, the first thing to remember when you are communicating is you're not a mind reader. We have got to get rid of this notion that either we or our partners are mind readers. I cannot tell you how many times I've spoken to people, especially women, who will say well he should know what I need. And it's not unusual for me to ask, okay, well what do you need? And for the client to say well I really don't know. And you know, and I'm not slighting these women, but it's very hard to be logical when you say I'm not really sure what I want, but this other, my partner, should know what I want. That's not really a very fair expectation, is it? Because again, they're not a mind reader. And so, you know we need to communicate what our needs are. And in order to be able to do that, we have to know what our own needs and desires are first, because we can't communicate what makes, you know, what makes us feel good, or what is pleasurable and pleasing to us, during our lovemaking sessions if we don't even know for sure ourselves. And so that is something that I think is absolutely foundational in communicating about your sex life with your partner, is knowing what brings you pleasure. Andexcuse me, for those of you who already know me, I'm a huge proponent of pleasure mapping, and pleasure mapping is sort of seeing your body as a map, and discovering all of the ways that your body can feel pleasure, by touch or by stroke, even by tasting certain things, or hearing certain things. You know, how many times have you heard an old song, and it just brings back this flood of memories, right? And it can really put your body in that safe zone and that mood to be receptive to pleasure. And so knowing this, and mapping your own pleasure zones is absolutely crucial. And even if you've already mapped your own pleasure, I encourage you to do that with your partner. I mean, what a wonderful evening that would be, and it does not have to conclude with penetrative sex. It can just be a time where the two of you are in a relaxed, safe environment, right. Maybe some candles on, or some soft music, whatever, you know, relaxes you, mind, body and spirit. And take that time, touching one another, and telling one another, you don't have to even speak, you can have like a signal where you'll lift your hand, or you'll tap on something, to indicate yes, yes, yes. You know, or no, no, no, you know, you come up with your own code. And just spend that time together, touching, you know, stroking, some people like very light touch, some people that's ticklish right? So they need something, they need more pressure. Indicate that to your partner that you want more pressure. But doing this together, and mapping one another's pleasures together, without the penetrative sex, can really start this conversation going, and really move you towards being able to communicate that level of intimacy with your partner. And another thing that I think is really important is that we practice humility with our partners. Now, humility is not really necessarily something that's considered a virtue in our society anymore. But I want to give a definition of humility that I love, and it's from C. S. Lewis. And C. S. Lewis said humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's simply thinking of yourself less, and I love that because that, you see the virtue in that. Right, we can all grasp the virtue of maybe not putting ourselves in the number one spot, when we're with our partner, right? So we can actually listen and be aware, and be present to the needs of our partner. And if they're doing likewise, all of these needs and all of this is being, if not met, at least acknowledged and understood. And that is where that intimacy comes in, and I promise you, if you understand anything from this workshop that I'm giving you right now, please understand better intimacy will equal better sex, okay, on some level always, better intimacy will lead to better sex. Now, there are at least five types of intimacy that we can experience with someone, alright. We experience emotional intimacy. We experience spiritual intimacy. We can experience intellectual intimacy. And as a sapiosexual I totally understand the importance of intellectual intimacy with another human being. And we have experiential intimacy, right, when we spend time together, exploring things together, learning new things together, we share that experiential intimacy. This may not be like a great way to think of it, but think of people who go to a war together. They develop, you know, what is called like fox hole buddy intimacy. It's like you are the only ones that have this exact shared experience, right? Or if people who survive an earthquake, or even people who become like Eagle Scouts, right? There are very few Boy Scouts that ever make it all the way through to the Eagle Scout, right? So this is experiential intimacy, it's something that you share with him. That is why some people find, you know, fraternal organizations so important, you know. And now with the emotional, right, and intellectual, and spiritual, and experiential intimacy, the closer these types of intimacy are, the closer we will be with a physical intimacy. So think about that because it's very important. Now, that we concentrate, excuse me, it's very important that we concentrate on all the different types of intimacy that we can have with our partner or our lover. Now, now that we know the sex part is yeah, it's important, it's really important to all different, you know, to any kind of loving, committed relationship, absolutely it's important. I think it's also important that we realize what it is that can be affecting our sex life with our partner, okay, because there are a number different factors that can be causing you a lower libido or a less than desired libido, and some of those things are prescriptions, okay. If you are dealing with anxiety or depression, and have been prescribed certain medications, some of those medications can and will affect your libido. The good news though, is that you absolutely can speak to your doctor about changing your prescriptions. And I want to encourage all of y'all to jump in and if you have questions or comments about anything that I'm saying, please feel free to share your thoughts, or your comments, and I will do my best to check in occasionally, and make sure that I'm getting to those. Angela says sapiosexual here too, yes. Absolutely, is there anything sexier than an intellect? To me the answer is absolutely not. Absolutely not. The mind is so sexy, right? Can I get an amen in here Excuse my water break But yeah, I am so attracted to the mind, and think about it, especially for us, you know, female identifiers, we tend to have our sex in our mind, right. Our arousal, our drive is absolutely cerebral driven. And so yeah, the mind is a very sexy, sexy, sexy organ. I think it's probably the sexiest organ in men and women. So yeah, absolutely So back to our sex drive killers, or passion killers, or desire killers, we have prescriptions, and again the good news is is that you can absolutely talk to your doctor. And I'll tell ya, I'll admit, as someone who deals with depression, I was given a prescription, and it was totally lowering my libido, and I was just like, something's wrong here. And I had not qualms going to my doctor and saying hey, you know, I love that I'm more even keel, and that I don't wanna curl up in a fetal position, and get, you know, hide under the covers all week, but I just ain't feeling it So this is a no go, okay. Sex education, pleasure education, pleasure sharing, basically is my life, and yeah, I need to have that desire again because I want to have that physical intimacy with my spice. And yeah, so we're switching, I need a new medication. And so we tried another medication, and it worked for awhile, and it was really pretty good, but then I started having that side effect again, and I was like okay, I don't know how many times we're gonna have to change, but I cannot have a low libido and be depressed. Somebody out there, somewhere has got to invent or create a medication that's not gonna, you know, kill one or the other. And so yes, I am happy to say, and so is my spice, we are happy to say that yes, I am on a prescription now that does not make me feel like a zombie, doesn't make me, you know, have zero sex drive, and so yes that is available out there to you. And so if you're on a prescription medication for anxiety or depression, or some heart medications, it can lower libido, some like for diabetes or whatever. Whatever, if you know that it's your medication, if you've a shift or a change in your own drive, since beginning this prescription, talk to your doctor. Okay, they're there for you, and if there not there for you, find a new doctor, okay. Another thing that we deal with that can really affect our sex life is stress and fatigue. And this is so unfortunate, especially in the 21st century, here we are, we all have very, very busy lives. And unfortunately we can't get away from that busyness sometimes because of the technology that we are connected to. And so sometimes it's important for us to unplug, right, and really spend some time with our partners, or even just spending time alone with ourselves. Right, or spend some time in prayer or meditation, or yoga or whatever it is that can relax your fatigue. Because you know, we're all out there working 40 plus hour workweeks, and you know, both partners, you know, we live in a society now where dual income home is the norm. And so you know, this one's out working 40 plus hours, this one's out working 40 plus hours, then you know, you throw in-laws into the mix, or you know, social obligations into the mix, and children into the mix, or what have you, you know X, Y or Z into the mix, and no wonder there's no time for good sex Right, I mean who has time for great sex anymore, we're all so busy, so stressed and so fatigued. So I really encourage you. What are some ways, by the way guys, for you folks who have joined, what are some of the things that y'all do to you know, ease stress and fatigue in your own life? If you don't mind sharing that, I'd love to have y'all chime in with me, because this is a safe place. By the way, just I know you all already know this from our guidelines, that my husband is sweet enough to share with you, but this is a safe space, okay. Whatever's discussed at O.school stays at O.school. No names are mentioned. Of course if it's great information that you wanna share, that's awesome, but for the people that are sharing this space with us virtually, we wanna just be kind, and we want to respect their privacy. So I appreciate all of y'all for doing that. But again, please do chime in on some of the things that you yourself personally, or that you've heard about doing that can help with fatigue and exhaustion in your own life. And then we're gonna move on to the third sex killer, whichis something that I deal with in my practice and that is poor body image, okay. And you know, and it's not just something that we always... It may not even be... Poor body image may be something that is new to you, in fact, you know, you may have been married, or in this committed relationship for several years, but something in your life shifts, and you suddenly find that you feel less attractive. It could be something as simple as you have a new business partner that you find extremely attractive, and that you compare yourself to. Comparison is never a good thing. And so you start to see all of your own self perceived flaws and things like that. But also, we can face challenges, like as we age, right. We all go through different ages and stages of life, and so we may start losing our hair, or you know, we find that our body is not as taught as it once was, or, we feel like we're getting shorter and wider. I'm speaking from experience here. I think I've shrunk three inches since birth. So, but we can have this, our body image will change through the different ages and stages that we face, as we age, after childbirth, after menopause. You know, after middle age, some men will find that they are starting to feel less attractive. Because we're inundated. You know, I think they say that the average person sees over 800 images through commercials and media, over 800 body images a day, a day. And you don't even have to watch television, it can be flipping through a magazine, it could be billboards, it could be little pop up ads. Anything, we can't escape this, you know, comparison in 21st century, you know, in this 21st century world. We are being inundated with images of airbrushed perfection, and so no wonder we compare ourselves to that and go well I don't look like that, you know, I have wrinkles, or you know, my hair is receding. Or I'm not that tan, you know, my waist isn't that small. I might be able to put one leg in that bikini, you know, not my whole body, or whatever. We are bombarded with this, and so body image can have a lot to do with whether or not we are having good sex, you know, because absolutely comparison can be a libido killer. And so we really need to be aware of that, and protect ourselves from that. Let's check in with some of the answers we've gotten. Let's see, Milky Way says consistent... Oh you keep a consistent schedule and that really helps. You know that's so true, absolutely. Having a consistent schedule or routine can really help you, it can help with anxiety and stress as well, because you're not worried about okay, what's gonna happen, what do I have to do, what do I have to do tomorrow, what, you know, what's coming up, when is this deadline, what is this, you know, you know, my spice will usually check in with me at least once a day, you know, what's on the menu for tomorrow, what's on the... Menu, ha, like I cook I don't cook, I don't cook, I'm sorry, but I just struck myself, hit my own funny bone. Okay, but like when I say menu, I mean schedule. So what's on the schedule for tomorrow, what are you doing, because you know, he likes to be prepared, he's you know, a constant Marine. So, you know, like what are you doing, where are you going with the kids, you know, what needs to be done. And so having that schedule like Milky Way said, really does help because you're not consistently in that state of panic of what is due, and when it's due, you know and knowing what you're gonna need, and having it and being ready. And to-do lists can help with that as well. So thank you Milky Way, I appreciate that. Kicktions says vodka martinis Yeah, vodka martinis can put me right under the table, and on the floor, so that would definitely be very relaxed for me. Breathing exercises and stretching. Oh absolutely, you know what, stretching is really good, because stretching actually helps your body breathe, and it gets more oxygen to your cells, and also of course more oxygen to your brain. And so that can really, really be awesome with helping with fatigue. So thank you Kicktions for that one. And breathing exercises, yes, absolutely. Milky Way says oh, a consistent sleep schedule. Well, absolutely that definitely helps too. And I will tell you, just having schedules can help with your sleep. I'm the sort of person who will be, I try to go to bed at night, and then I'm thinking, okay what does, with seven children, I kinda go the list, it's like what'd so-and-so have, what'd so-and-so have, this, that and the other. And I'm worried about their schedules, and my schedules, and my spice's, you know, what my spice has gotta do, is he gonna be in Dallas, is he gonna be in Fort Worth, you know, does he have to go out of town, you know, whatever. And I cannot turn that off at night. But if I have my little schedule, or a to-do list, and I can see it, I feel more prepared. So that's really empowering to have that schedule there. And if that helps with your anxiety or depression too, we're getting you know, we're getting two birds with one stone. Mackey says hi Mackey, I'm so glad you came back. Thank you, breathing exercises, playing music, exercising at home, never been to the gym. Ya ain't missing nothing. Except a meat market there, Mackey, I promise So, but exercising at home is really good. Playing music, and again, light Kicktions said, with the breathing exercises, and these are all wonderful ways. Whatever it takes to move yourself into that, less stressed and more relaxed state, I say go for it, absolutely go for it. And so, and we were talking about poor body image can also be a sex killer. You know, I recommend that you really work with your partner on sharing with them what you're most grateful for, okay. I honestly, after having seven children, I just felt like nothing but a great big mom blog, which is likeon the sexy feeling meter, right, and it took awhile, it took, I would say, a long while to finally get back in that space where I was able to say okay, look, I'm short, right, I can't do anything about that I y'am what I y'am as Popeye would say. And I'm fat, and I'm, I have no intention of changing that. Because I don't wanna go to the gym, I don't wanna go do these huge workouts. I am a huge lover of food, delicious butter soaked food. I realize that the only way I'm going to do anything is for health reasons, right, and you can absolutely be fat and still be healthy, you know. And I just recommend that for those of you who are maybe weighing maybe more than you want to weigh, just make sure that you are in contact with your doctor. Because thin does not necessarily equal healthy. And learn this about your body, and you know, so going back to what I was saying, you know, I'm short and I'm fat. These are two things I'm not gonna do anything with. But I'm also sassy. And I think sassy looks kinda good on me. And so that what was I decided to embrace, and run with. Okay, because that I can work with. The sass, I am captain of the S.S. Sassy. I can work with this, okay, this is my boat, this is my ship, I can totally steer that. And so once I was able to accept that and embrace it, I was a thousand times happier with my own self body image. And realized I love it, and I love every curve, and I am blessed with a spouse, you know. Who can embrace these curves and I encourage you, if you feel a poor self image with your lover, you know, talk about it. It's very hard to be vulnerable, it is so hard to be vulnerable. But if you can't be vulnerable with your lover, who can you vulnerable with? And that's an honest question, friends. Alright, anothersex killer, is parenting okay. Now, again, mom of seven here, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that parenting, whether it's one child, two children or a dozen, parenting sucks the life right outta ya It does, and any mom who says differently is probably fibbing or delusional. Because parenting, at one point or another, is gonna absolutely suck the life right out of your sex life. I just want you to know that right now, up front. And that is you know, this whole what to expect, right, when you're expecting kinda stuff, please let us know that our sex life is gonna suck, or our drive anyway, is gonna suck. But it's different for every person, right. It's different for every woman. But because like in, for me for example, from my own personal experience, during my first trimester, I'm just vomiting, right, ain't nothing sexy about that. At least not for our proclivities. And you know, but by my second trimester, when the nausea has mostly passed, and I'm starting to have that you know, that firm little baby belly, I feel like earth mother, and I am so hyper sexual during that second trimester, because I'm like I am growing a human being, in my body, when this baby is born, I will be able to keep this whole human being alive at my breast. You know, you just feel like Wonder Woman. That is your wonderful superpower. And so your sex drive may actually go up at different stages in your pregnancy, and even after you give birth. But,once you have toddlers, who can get into all sorts of crap, yeah, you and your partner are gonna definitely need to get creative in the ol' sex department, to keep your sex life invigorated while you are in your parenthood, especially early parenthood stages. And as Kicktions can probably attest to, if they're still here, you know, the parenthood of your friends can actually affect your sex drive. They don't even have to be your kids Oh my goodness, and so it's not something you can do really, about being a parent, because once they're here, you can't send them back. Thank God, you know, I've had a couple of times where I you know, yeah. Anyway, yeah I've had teenagers, four in the house at the same time, so I get it, I get it. And you just really have to get creative so that you can keep that sex drive going when you are the throes of parenthood. But it can be done, I promise you. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, I've had seven children, three now still in the home under the age of 13, we have, actually we have six still at home, three of 'em are under the age of 13. But it can be done. Yeah, our sex life is better now than it has been in the last, well 25 plus years, that we've actually been having sex, but at the25 years that we've been married. And then another, another sex killer that I wanna mention is of course a lack of closeness. Now, again that ties right back into the intimacy, because we can be close to someone, or be you know, we can love someone and feel close to them, but still not really have that level of intimacy that is necessary for a truly great sex life. How is that possible? Trust me, it is. And I actually I'm sure, you know, they say that between 20 and 30% of committed relationships are sexless. People, 20% of married couples, now I think this is, you know, heterosexual numbers, is 20% but a more recent study said that up to 30% of committed relationships are living in sexless conditions and not because that's what they want, you know, not that they're happy with it. And so you know, this is not something that you know, you're alone in. This is definitely a challenge that different people face. Let me get back to the comments real quick, so that, and also refresh, let's see. Miah's here, oh thank you generous O.schooler, I love you, thank you so much for your love offering. I love a good love offering. Any tips on how to manage a good sex life while having kids? Oh, yes, lots Mackey, and we will look at that, okay, as time allows, I might even do a livestream on that exclusively becausejust from my own experience, yeah, yeah, yeah we can totally do that. Thank you Mackey for that idea. Let's see, I wanna make sure I'm covering everything. Oh, another reason your sex life may suck. It's unfortunate, but you, you know, you and your partner may love each other but your partner may just be a bad lover. Or you may not be fully aware in your own sexuality, and you know, the partner's may find that you know, while they are in love, their compatibility is not synced. They're not compatible. Now, again, the really great news with this is you can absolutely learn how to have better sex. It is absolutely possible. You know, and you don't necessarily have to go and spend thousands of dollars, you know, going to a sex therapist or you know, a partner therapist, or go to a lot of different like couples retreats or weekends or whatever, although I absolutely do recommend those if that is something that you and your partner want to do. Because I know that a lot of good can come out those. You know, sort of marriage or relationship encounter workshops and weekends and things like that, those can be very beneficial to you. But not everybody has, you know, really the resources to, financial resources to go and invest in something like that. But, there are definitely tried and true techniques that can help you and your partner learn how to have better sex with one another. One of the things that I really recommend that you explore with your partner, other than the pleasure mapping, which is like number one on my list, is get into a conversation about your dos and your don'ts. You know, if you're, you know again, I'm speaking from being already in love, or already being in a relationship here in this webinar, but you know, consent and learning about dos and don'ts in the bedroom is not something that is just for brand new partners, okay. Because again, even if you're already, let's say you've been in a committed relationship for you know, 10 years, your life circumstance, your partner's life circumstance, all of these things, you know, can change because life is messy, and our life is sort of an ebb and flow, right. And so even, you know, talking about things like consent, are necessary even in committed relationships. And things, talking about desires, talking about passions, talking about yes, this is okay, maybe this is something we would like to explore, and no absolutely this is not on the menu, ain't gonna happen, not in my lifetime okay. These desires and needs will change over time, and that is why even in a committed and loving relationship, it's so important to revisit things like consent, and desires and needs, right? And let's see, I have another question. I don't know if it's Josh, or Jazz, I could be butchering it and I apologize, darlin'. I am married and very much in love, but my husband isn't as adventurous as I am when it comes to sex, how can I help him become more comfortable with trying new things. You are speaking right up my alley, darling. Oh I love this, thank you so much for bringing this up, my love. Yes, okay, I can give personal experience here. My spice, bless his heart, when we first met, we were 19, in college, and I, he was a Bible thumping, Jimmy Swaggart, yelling off of, you know, the street corner, Jesus saves kinda guy, alright. And I was this little tiny 95 pound powerhouse of femininity and feminism, okay. And I wore all, I was wearing black, I was goth before it was called goth, right? And he literally thought I was a witch, he asked me are you Wiccan, because I was you know, dark. I was presenting this dark thing. And so how in the world is the Ken doll preacher kid guy, and this like vixen femme fatale, how in the world are they ever gonna be sexually compatible right? Well, besides just totally seducing him, And completing destroying his life, and, yeah. Yeah, I mean, fast forward 15 years, okay. We're married, we have kids, and everything. Actually it wasn't even 15 years, I bet it was less than that. I was speaking earlier about feeling super hyper sexual in my second trimester okay, and my first child, so this was 23 years ago. I knew I was kinky, okay, even before my spice. But it was something I had tried with other partners, and they were like horrified. And so I just like totally suppressed and repressed it, right. Okay well when you're pregnant, and you're in your second trimester, and you are feeling like earth mother, and you can do nothing wrong, and the world is yours to conquer, I had a devil may care attitude and I was like screw it. I know what I want and I'm gonna get it. And so basically I took my spice aside, and said here are some things I want you to consider. Now what I did was I did a little research, okay, and this is what I recommend to other ladies that want to maybe introduce kink or something a little different into the bedroom. Find a movie, not porn, okay if you can help it. But like a really racy, sexy movie okay. Maybe that moves with like power play, something like 9 1/2 Weeks, you know, whereas that sort of dominance submission type, you know, dynamic is happening. And share that with your partner. And, or watch it with them, you know, or maybe if you have a book that's really good that you like and even if it's just a regular old story, but it has something really sexy and juicy in there, that kinda you're like ooh, that would be nice. Share that passage with your partner, and say what do you think about that? I think this is hot, what are your thoughts? And just sort of kind of dip your toe in the water with them, and kinda get some feelers, okay. If you're going to get what you want... Wild Orchid, yes, yes. If you're going to get what you want out of your partner, or with your partner, sorry I shouldn't be... That sounds like I'm objectifying them. But what, if you're trying to get a response from your partner, you're going to have to be real, and you're going to have to be vulnerable. You absolutely have to just go for it. Now, you know, if you have a kink that, is like may seem complicated or whatever, you may wanna reign it in a little bit, okay. We're not talking you know, like wax on the nipples, you know, or knife play, or scat or anything like that. Let's reel it back a little bit and just maybe start with something like a little bit of the dominance and submission. Or maybe even a little bit of the bondage and discipline. Like oh, you know, I've been a naughty girl, however you wanna do it, and you can even do it jokingly. Or playfully in order to bring up the conversation so that you can kinda get it started, and get the ball rolling. I need to be mindful of time here, oh my goodness. We only have a few more minutes, probably about 10 more minutes, and so I wanna make sure I get to everybody. Let's see, okay so Milky Way is in the same boat. Jazz, oh I love that, Le Jazz Hot. My husband is a preacher's kid and we met in college, alright Jazz, well I'm actually the preacher's kid, but I was, you know, the preacher's kid who was the wild and rebellious one. Oh and thank you Miah if you're loving what we're sharing. And frankly how can you not. Please consider hitting up our gift jar. Yeah, love offerings, I'm always open to. that's the not-so-fun part, alright, of being a minister. You know, and as a minister of passion and pleasure, yeah that's not the fun part, passing the plate, right. But no, going back to how do you introduce these things. I do actually have a video on my YouTube about introducing, it's like introducing adult pleasure products to your partner, that you might wanna check out. How can you tell if you should stick with someone through a challenging time, or say thank you with love and move on, okay. That's really a good question. I gotta be honest with you, Milky Way, if you are really in love with someone, I'm coming from a Judaeo-Christian perspective, okay. I will say I'm coming from a Christian perspective, and I'm going to say if you are in love, yes, half the battle is won. And I would rather see you be able to work with your partner and be able to learn together how to have better sex than to just say it's a no-go. I do realize that sexuality is such an important part of us, and that I, you know, but if someone... Absolutely if you're in an abusive relationship, if someone is emotionally abusing you, or spiritually abusing you, or physically abusing you, absolutely, you know, get out, get out while the getting's good. But I do, I hate divorce, okay. And I'm just, this is in the interest of you know, being completely transparent with you, I hate divorce, and in fact in our home, we're not allowed to even discuss the D word. We jokingly say whoever brings up the D word has to take all seven children. Automatic custody if you're the one who wants divorce. But no, I hate divorce and I don't like it, but I realize that there are absolutely necessary reasons for divorce. I think it should absolutely be a last case scenario, if it's just maybe one part of the relationship, because there are so many ways to work together with your partner. Now if you have a partner who's saying hells no, I don't, I'm not gonna work with you on this, something's wrong, and I would question the love aspect of it anyway. Does that make sense, I hope that answered your question. There are absolutely times that you just need to move on. But I don't think I would see that as an option, until all of your resources have been speculated. I apologize, we have, we actually have three adult dogs, and a new puppy in the house, as well as five cats and two kittens. And of course the six of the seven kids. And so if you hear these in the background, I do apologize for that This house is loud and messy, but it's filled with lots of love. So, were there any other questions, or anything else that y'all wanted to comment on, before I do a quick recap, while we're here? If you are in love with your partner, and, oh my gosh, I think the kittens are yeah, going after the puppy. But you know, again, your options, do you masturbate, do you leave, or do you acknowledge them, acknowledge the challenges and try to grow together? Absolutely that's going to be my recommendation is that you work together and see what the challenges are, and work with in tandem with one another to alleviate those challenges.

We're In Love, But Our Sex Life Sucks

Date
Mon
Jul 23, 2018
|
2:00 pm
|
Calendar
Monday, July 23, 2018
|
2:00 pm

You love your partner but the sex isn't the best. Do you leave them? Talk to them? Masturbate more? Join this stream to learn about the different ways to explore chemistry and desire, increase communication and how to build better sex with your boo.