We Need to Talk About Consent

There cannot be too many conversations about consent — especially since so many schools skip the topic entirely with abstinence-only education. Consent, however, might be the single most important topic to learn before entering a physical relationship. 

Here to talk about consent is certified sex educator Q Wilson and O.school digital marketer Christina Cerqueira

Consent should be an ongoing conversation meant to foster an environment where partners feel safe saying what they’re into and not into, and where they know they can say “no” or “stop” at any time. Simply put, “Consent is to give permission for something to happen.” 

While the concept seems easy enough, Q points out that a lack of education, societal messages about what should happen in the bedroom, ideas about power dynamics, etc.,can complicate our understanding of consent. 

For this reason, learning to communicate about it in ways that are comfortable for you is important — whether you decide to talk about consent before sex or during, or whether you decide to make it a formal conversation or a sexy “Mother May I”-type game, or something else. There are so many ways to talk about consent.  

Wilson and Cerqueira go on to answer other questions about how to talk about consent, such as if it can be a negotiation, whether it’s best to have the conversation before or during a physical act, how to talk to about a past sexual assault with a partner, how to make conversations about boundaries ongoing, and what enthusiastic consent means. 

Most importantly, it’s never too early to start teaching and modeling consent. For example, ask a child, even a family member, if it’s okay to give them a hug. This sends a message that your body is your own, and you don’t owe anyone access without permission. 

In this sense, consent is about so much more than sex.

Video transcript

- For those of you who don't know my name is Q Wilson. I have a guest with me today. This is Christina Cerqueira

- Hi.

- who is a digital marketing person here and they're just hanging out, checking it out 'cause you guys are all so awesome and so they wanna see what it's like on this side of it so there we go.

- Can I introduce myself or something?

- Yeah do it, please do, oh my gosh.

- So I'm the new director of digital media at O School and I'm gonna be doing a lot of work with, try and make these live streams more engaging for you guys, more energetic, more like relevant topics so I wanted to participate in a stream so that I know what the experience was like and Q was kind enough to let me sit in on the stream so I'm super pumped to be here. I'm gonna try and help out where I can to provide any kind of support energy and then we also found a lot of questions from you guys that you submitted. We have a new email address called submit@o.school and people sent us some questions for this stream so questions about consent which is awesome so yeah.

- And you can use that email address to submit questions or topics or talk abouts or give us feedback on streams that you've seen or any of the ones that are coming up. Remember how I was saying that things are shifting and changing and don't panic. This is the reason not to panic. There's actually a human in charge so, and it's not me because we know I'm not, mm, it's not my, joozing not my thing. I'm the dog and pony show, joozing's not it. Anyway there'll be times that Christina will probably ask me questions or like I can see, we're using two laptops so remember how I was saying I'm not the most swift at doing these things? So my notes are on one laptop, the live stream is on another. Pardon me, it may get ugly for a minute. But anyway, so hey, I'm Q Wilson, I am one of the many amazing educators here at O School aka Pleasure Professionals. I really like being able to put that on paperwork. What do you do? I'm a pleasure professional. Always a conversation starter, always. I identify as a queer, as a Southerner, as a boy, masculine of center, ethically non-monogamous, there's a bunch of other labels that kinda go with me. You'll see where they pop up as we start to talk. I am from the South East United States, born and raised in South Carolina. Grew up with abstinence-only sex education so I am not a person that like lived in the Bay area, where I am now. I wasn't raised in the Bay area with excellent sex education from grade school on and up. That's not how I got to where I am. I learned all this stuff the really, really, really, really, really, submitting more snort laughs Perfect, thank you. It's too easy, it's fantastic. So I learned all of this stuff the hard way with everybody like everyone else. I am older than you might think and if you haven't heard me tell you then I'm not telling you today. I'm a Southerner, I don't have to tell. I have been doing a lot of different things in my life and growing and evolving so I wasn't, I'm not someone who had all of this knowledge from the get-go. I actually had to learn it the hard way. I've done a lot of the bad things in the world, just not thinking about not being aware or educated or being too enthusiastic or self-focused when I started to do things like non-monogamy. I did a lot of the wrong things so that's why I can tell you what not to do. I already did them and it was awful, trust me. Hey New Gal. Hi all, glad you to see you Q and Justin and thank you for creating this space Christina. I'm a regular and tell all my friends. And New Gal's on a lot which I absolutely appreciate.

- Hi New Gal.

- I think I've got some of the best people following me and I'm just like, I have, I have too many followers stream I really do squeal like that.

- You've got good warm energy, that's why we're so around here.

- Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bounce and this is why I like the jellies. Anyway, ADD moment. For those people who are like, why should I listen to you? I have a degree in public relations. I am a nationally certified trainer and educator. I am a certified sex educator. I am, for those people who are more heart focused, I am the adopted dad of a four-year-old Min Pin. I say she's a puppy, she's not, she's as full grown as they get but she's only nine pounds and she's all legs and she's super cute and I love her to pieces so adopt, don't shop is definitely one of my hashtags when I'm posting pictures. She has her own Instagram, FYI. She won't follow you back but if you have a pet that has their own Instagram, she'll follow them. She doesn't follow people, only other animals. Katie the Shetland, you're rocking it these days. So what else did I want to tell you? Oh yeah, I was saying heart things. I spend a lot of time with babies who actually want to spend time with me. They see me and they're all like, yes, which is a good thing if you don't spend time with babies, when they reach for you, it's a good thing. They like you. And remember, wow, the Ring Club. The Kink Leather BDSM Community, that's where I figured out that this whole sex is my kink thing. It's a long story, one of these I really will go into it but that's where I figured out a lot of the things and consent talks are a critical part of being a member of that community. Just being able to sit down and say what it is you want or don't want and what your boundaries are and things like that so I've had a good amount of time now having these conversations and the more you have them, once you start having them, for me they're very exciting because they mean that I'm setting parameters and boundaries, the other person is setting parameters and boundaries for when we spend time together to do the things we wanna do. That's part of being in the Kink Leather and BDSM scene. It's like I would like to do this thing, I would like to do these things to you. Let's see what are the reasons we had to whoa. Okay don't you start fading on me.

- How can I read that knob?

- It's okay, I got this. I can do ambidextry. I like to give accurate, non-judgemental trauma informed information. I think I got a little bit of a leg up on that as far as someone who is masculine of center meaning that I move through the world with a more masculine energy or identity even though I'm assigned female at birth. The thing that helps me is that I am assigned female at birth so I understand some of the issues that can come with dating, being approached and stuff like that when you are assigned female at birth so I have a little, got a little bit of an advantage so guys you should listen to me. I'm just saying, I got you. I have ADHD so I sometimes have tangential thoughts, I bounce sometimes, hopefully not too much today. I'm really excited though 'cause the lighting is made, I'm like I'm looking at myself right now going oh my God, look at me, I'm so fabulous.

- You are so fabulous, it's not the light.

- The lighting works too.

- It's not the light.

- My little faggoty heart is just like The lighting, it's so good. I just need lighting like this all the time. I adore working with O School because people like this show up and they're like, "How can I help?" and I'm like, "I don't know" and they're like, okay we'll work on it together so I get to do that plus I get to have you guys around and I get to do all this sort of conversation without having to spend my money to get to you or you have to spend money to get to me. And it doesn't matter where you are so I think that's super, super important and I don't know of anything else that really does that in the way that O School does it so I'm really super, super stoked. I've been around for a minute and I plan on staying around for a minute more sothere you have it. Ooh, I was saying if you haven't already signed in to the chat you need either a US phone number or an email address. Either one of those things will get you a link to the chat. If you've not done chat room stuff before and you're thinking about it but you heard about the ugly internet trolls, rest not. Fear not, rest well, ooh. Fear not because Justin is in there as our moderator today and we have people that help keep things at a very civil tone because we want this to be a space that feels safe and secure for you to ask us questions and to share information so, and that's one of the things that's really been happening a lot lately in my streams is tons of folks are starting to support each other when they see each other in different streams.

- So nice.

- Yeah, super nice, I love that sort of thing. Yay free sex ed, I agree right and good sex ed. Like this is not the conversation I got a school. We got no conversation around consent, none at all. So I didn't get the conversation around consent. It was don't have sex, you're gonna get some sort of disease and be useless as a human 'cause you won't be married off, meh, meh, meh. So consent talks, why are they important? What's the big deal? There's so much around that and it's not just about being, saying like don't do this, don't do that. Consent is a conversation. It should be a conversation. It should be a conversation between I like that Right. New Gal was saying both of you all look fabulous. The light that can do chocolate and vanilla slash butter pecan is the best, right. And then there's snorting. I am so delighted because it's not me snorting this time. It happens but it's this one this time. But consent is a conversation. It should be an ongoing conversation and it's not about laying down the law, being mean, it's not about that. It's about creating an environment between the two of you and creating a container or a space and this happens for one-off hook-ups, random dates that you pick up, Craig's List, RIP, so it can be for that or even long term monogamous relationships. There are consent conversations 'cause when we're younger, at least as a person assigned female at birth as a Southern person there will be things you'll have to do for your husband that you will not like, you will just do them because that is what a wife does.

- Were you told that?

- No that's what Southerners tell each other. My mother's sex conversation was this and I quote, sorry mom, "you let some boy fool you to drop drawers "and lay up with him, I aint rockin' no babies." End quote.

- Okay thanks mom.

- That was a lot of information in there, right? Like all of the thing about all the birds, all the bees, right there. No, no information about how and definitely but when you hear like when you're looking at again, a lot of what happened for us as a culture here is that we, our media became such a strong presence. Even in times like depression and desperate times in our country the media, the movies, the movie industry held on because it was a great way of escapism but what we were given for in exchange was not necessarily the most realistic because we were trying to escape but we started with the damsel in distress being tied to the tracks and there had to be a man come save her to a woman in trouble somewhere else or she's doing everything wrong and da da da and when she finally meets her right guy blah blah blah blah blah blah blah so it's kind of amazing that we've even made it that, as long as we had with that sort of narrative being our focus when we look at what it is that we're talking about around consent and things because we never saw that. We never, it was just assumed. We didn't even have a conversation about what was missing because we just assumed that that would happen. You'd meet the person, a little light chatter, go back to wherever, fall into bed, have sex til morning because you fall into bed, they start to kiss and it fades to black. Next morning someone's making someone breakfast and someone else is wearing their shirt.

- That's how it goes.

- That's how it goes.

- There's no other way.

- There's no other way. Magically it's like tah dah.

- And everybody always wants it.

- Yeah exactly so when we're talking about that, it's not about, so when we're talking about consent, we've gotta think about it in a cultural context and not just in the like, people are being harsh and I know guys you're feeling pretty rough about this, you should actually, you should. You should have been calling your friends on their behavior. You knew it was bad and women, you should feel bad too. There are times we jump on things and we're like pushy about things. This does not, it's not just one gender or sex that's doing the things. People have bad behaviors. These people belong to communities. These people have friends. Are you their friend? Have you been calling them on their behavior?

- Calling out their bullshit.

- Call it out. And you don't have to do that, do it publicly. Facebook is the worst platform for calling people out for shit people. I just watch fires happen and people get run over because something was said before there was any sort of clarification. I'm a huge fan of call-in culture so instead of writing something, a big blast on Facebook and getting everybody on the bandwagon and when you've seen how that works, I wanna try to remind everybody that while that is a great space for exchanging ideas, look at what has happened. Look at what is still happening with Facebook. There are folks on Facebook that are not even folks that you know but apparently are attached to your shit and their whole purpose, the whole purpose of that profile of that person is to instigate shit. Remember back in the hood and you had that one person where two little kids were getting ready to fight at school on the playground and somebody was standing between the two of them with like a rock or some sand in their hand, maybe that was just in my hood and it's like, you don't have to hit. Just hit the sand out of my hand and there's always someone instigating that. There are people actively instigating shit on Facebook that don't even know you. Don't know the other person and don't give a damn. The whole point of that profile created by someone else is to instigate and agitate in some way and they're doing it for both quote, "right" and "left" so it doesn't matter where you are, use your brain. You have a brain for a reason. Talk about these things. Talk to your people. Don't go to Facebook, not everybody's your friend. They can say they are but they're not really. And also think about this, how would you feel having someone drag you on Facebook for something and never had told you the thing at all. How does that feel for you? Exactly so remember again, being mindful, being thoughtful, being kind. All of that plays into consent talks. Yeah we still haven't even talked about what is consent. We are in this conversation and haven't even got there. So it's more than just the basics around it. But if we're talking about consent, by definition, and I'm reading the definition for sure. Definition as a noun, consent means that it is permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something. As a verb, consent is to give permission for something to happen. That's all consent is. Why is that such a hard thing to do?

- Why?

- Because we've not been taught

- Tell them Q, I don't know.

- I feel like we're those two owls on TV and there's the other, like the one owl is like saying stuff and the other'sin the background. This is amazing, I need you with me all the time.

- Great.

- This is great.

- Now I'm here.

- So one of the things I think that makes it feel like it's such a weird thing is we're not taught to actually talk to one another. We're taught to assume that things are going to happen. We're not prepared, it's like I am not dissing anyone who chooses to remain a virgin until married. That is all good for you. In general for a lot of folks, what happens is you have your wedding night and neither one of you knows what to do. I mean, I don't find that to be very healthy. You've not been taught to talk to one another so we definitely haven't been taught to advocate for our own pleasure so especially if you're assigned female at birth, what does that look like if you advocate for your own pleasure? If you're like, I like having sex this way, this way, this way, I don't like these things, oh my God you're a trollop, you're a tramp, you're a slut, the whole--

- Why do you know that? How many people have you had sex to know that?

- Exactly, who you been with? I mean, I don't know. I heard those things and it's like, where does that come from? Why do we think that way when someone can say these are things I like? Why do we always turn around and we're like horrified that they can answer, yeah I've already tried this, this and/or this. Don't yuck somebody else's yum. Don't. If your yum is to wait until marriage, rock on. If your yum is to try all the flavors until you find the right one, rock on. If your yum is to find multiple people to have all of the things with, also valid. How you wanna live your life, that's to me is what being sex positive is. It is recognizing the right of a person to have the kind of sex they want, with whom they wanna have, when they wanna have it without apologizing about it and without fear so that's what it means to be sex positive. Don't yuck somebody else's yum. Let them have their life. You don't have to like it. You don't have to be about it, you know what else? And you also don't have to comment on it.

- Can we read some of the audience's questions?

- Yes so we can read--

- I wanna get to some. So you guys submitted these and we really wanna answer them for you. Which one do you want to start with?

- I'll start with that one, there was a reasoning, yeah. So we were talking--

- Can I read out loud then?

- Yeah go ahead, go.

- I just wanna have a role here.

- I wanna do something.

- I'm gonna read to ya. This question comes from Gina in New Jersey. Q, real talk.

- Let's talk.

- Why do I feel so awkward talking about consent? Like, if I bring it up, does it imply that I don't trust this guy? I feel like consent seems so business-like and something you talk about just to not get raped.

- Wow.

- Strong words Gina.

- Thanks for the question. And I'm sure someone else had that and it can't and I think, like what I was just saying that, it feels awkward because we weren't taught to do that and so there are guys that don't know how to handle it if you're talking to them. I live in a very queer world so talking is a very big part of it, sometimes a lot of talking is a very big part of it but talking is a very big part of it. We are a process-heavy group. So it's very comfortable to me. I talk to people about casual sex, I talk to people about my boundaries around long term relationships, about getting involved with me. There are different types of consent talks to have and they should be ongoing. It can seem very business-like because you're making it maybe very business-like. Make it sexy. You can have that consent talk, like you can talk about the boundaries and earlier today we were talking and I was like, ooh ooh ooh, you can make it like a Mother May I? I was like so if you're trying to learn how to speak and say the things 'cause the words are not the easiest and there's no set way to say the things that you wanna say. It's totally up to you. What's comfortable for you? What language can you use to connect with this other person to let them know, one, a consent talk is about letting them know you are interested and these are the things you're interested in today or in this moment so it's not about being business-like necessarily, it's about setting a framework, creating a space that you can both feel comfortable and safe in. If you're a guy and a woman says to you, oh well, I'd like to talk to you about some things I really like and things that are on the table and what aren't, you should be applauding her. You should sit and listen with like baited breath because she's giving you, one of the things that I like to say is hashtag don't catch a charge. This is how you don't catch a charge. You actually listen to the person giving you the information and then follow that information. You can deviate a little bit by asking as you deviate, before you deviate so understand the whole Mother May I thing. If you're trying to learn how to figure out how to get the questions out, especially if you're with long term or you're dating someone already, so go okay we're gonna work on consent and talking about things so when you start to do the things that you normally do, like they start to lean in to kiss you, you go no, you didn't ask.

- Yeah what a sexy Mother may I.

- Starting to lean in to kiss you and it's like, uh, you didn't ask me. Well can I kiss you? Sure and then you give them a peck on the cheek and you're like, well you didn't say what kind of kissing you wanted to do so you go from just like the basic like dah dah dah dah and you learn and you start to do it. Does it feel weird and awkward and racy in some moments? Yes because those are words, especially once you get past kissing and we're talking about can I touch you? Yes you may and then it's like, or you go to touch and like, uh, but you didn't ask where so thinking about it that way and when we're starting to talk about touching more intimate parts, private parts and the no no spots, learning to use language that feels good to us and will not be offensive and is supportive of the other person as well, this is also why we need to start talking with one another because me in a queer world, I know that I wanna ask people, just because they appear a way doesn't mean they're not necessarily is the way they are so I wanna ask, what are your pronouns? How do you feel in your body today? What are the words you use to describe the parts of your body? People have different language. Saying cunt to some people is just like argh! You come at me with yoni and I got issues. I mean, yay, I'm so glad that that works for some people and I can see how it's very intrinsically a part of who they are. Not me, not it. Let's save each other the trouble. Let's get the language, give each other a working vocabulary and remember that we are in a moment, we're in a space where it's the Me Too movement. We have to change how we talk. The not talking got us rape culture where people getting three months in jail for raping someone behind a trash can and then arguing points about it. We've got executives all over the place, we've got, you name it, there are people doing it and it spans, it is definitely expanding sex and political affiliation, it's the gamut. Everyone has had some bad, bad, bad behavior because positions of power things so we need to talk about how we wanna connect with one another and what that looks like and what that's gonna be moving forward and this is a really good time for us to also take those talks that we're having because consent isn't always just about sex. Consent about physical touch, we can start teaching children that. Don't force your kid, your cousin, your niece, your nephew, whomever to hug other people that they don't wanna hug. Don't do it. That we're teaching them from a very young age, they have no agency over their own person. We never think about it that way, it's just like it's rude. They gave you this thing as a gift, it's rude for you not to hug them. It's rude of us to try to force them to hug somebody when they don't really want to. Whatever their reason and another reason about that is like, we've become a fragile set of beings all of a sudden. Our immune system for a lot of folks are really, really deficient in some way so hugging people literally can cause some sort of physical problem for them so learning to talk about these things because then people aren't trying to fend you off or you're not trying to fend people off. Even with people I know and love and I haven't seen them in a minute or like we meet each other somewhere, I'm like, hey so good to see you and they're like, are you huggable? It starts with something like that so try to think of the consent any way and not just about sex. It's not just about sex. It's about all of the things. It's about whether you like, having someone bounce on your bed and wake you up in the morning. You need to get consent for that generally in my world otherwise you can end up on the floor so it's not just about sex. Try to remember that it's much broader than that. And while sometimes it could potentially be awkward, the more you do it the less awkward it becomes. And the more you model this behavior in your world, the more other people will start to see it and all start to emulate that. It's that whole viral thing so start doing that. It would be amazing, all those people who've got Instagram and SnapChat and have like millions and millions and millions of followers, if they actually started modeling consent talks. Oh my goodness. Anyway I'm gonna look really quickly at our chat. Yeah momma's not playing. New Gal was saying something about in response to my mom and her comment to me about sex. And New Gal says that message right there needs to be, needs multiple billboards alone. Oh and also, oh, Mother May I, May I, so cool, I'll be telling the others. Please do. Come on over. Hey AJ, AJ was saying my take re consent is that if I want to do right by people I need to know what they want to begin with. Absolutely, definitely am a fan of that. Or at least that's how I frame it for myself. That's an amazing way to frame that. I'm a service-oriented human. Sex is my kink and I understand that not everybody has sex the way I do. What I want is to create a very safe container for someone to say, these are the things I like, these are the things I want, these are the things I might be interested in and then letting them know that they are, their request will be not shunned. I will not try to shame them for them and then follow that, incorporate what they're telling me into that because I wanna have the opportunity if at all possible to do it again. So I wanna make sure that they're safe and also that they're having a space that, 'cause we're not the best as a country. I mean, we wanna be all like, woo sex yeah, but as a country overall we are some very prudish people when it comes to sex.

- I feel like we're just either don't do it or have so much and if you're not doing it, you're a prude and there's like no space for--

- There's no space. It's like the gender continuum. No-one knew there was one until it became a thing. Until people were like actually so people were all over the place on this as a country, as a people, we're not all that big on talking about it so I wanna talk to people because I want them to feel comfortable. I want them to feel safe in saying to me, I was thinking adding a little banana something or another to the sexy pant. I'm like okay, let's see about that. I mean, my thing is if it's within the realm of things for me to provide for someone, great. If it's not crossing any of my own boundaries then great because I have my boundaries. If you don't know or if you don't have boundaries, you should kinda think about it. When we're talking about boundaries--

- I'm sorry

- No you're fine, no no no, you're fine. So looked up the definition of boundaries and boundaries by definition is, a line that marks the limits of an area, a dividing line, a limit of a subject or sphere of activity. Tah dah. There's nothing wrong with having boundaries. We all have boundaries, we do. Some of them are really New Gal was saying, couple of things. Love that consent is really all about relationships and interactions, societal change shit yes, absolutely. And this is where we're at. Can we just think about what this website is, what we're even talking about right now and the fact that this website has been up and we're doing this and we've been doing this for a hot minute, societal change is happening and we have a chance to be active members of that. Not just me as someone who's talking with you but you guys. You're taking this information that I'm sharing with you to your friends. New Gal I see you. You're taking this back to your friends and going, oh my gosh, there's this thing I heard about and I didn't get this information as a younger person so I know there are other adults who need the same education that I got and am still getting so I absolutely love being able to do that and I appreciate the opportunity to be a part of overall societal change. It may be slow but I'm in it to win it.

- I've got a question for you.

- Yes.

- Okay. So I am new to a lot of this world and I heard a lot of people who are in sort of kink BDSM community use the term consent negotiation and I use the term consent talk, what's the difference, and what does that look like? Like if I have a new partner, let's say I take home a Tinder date, right, things are going well. I want to lay some groundwork. How, and I wanna like just talk about a few things with him, do I like sit him down in the kitchen and you know, bring it down like that or should it be like in the bedroom? How does this conversation go? And kind of what's the difference between negotiation and just a talk? 'Cause I don't know, are they two interchangeable words? I don't really know.

- I would say they're interchangeable. Thank you for the question, I think they're interchangeable. I'm a big fan of having the conversation before you get to the bedroom 'cause we get distracted. We get in the bedroom, I mean, we get distracted. It's like ah, ah, ah, so I like to have--

- We know how it works and how messy it is.

- I know and then when

- You lose ability to speak. I'm sorry, I'm taking your train of thought away.

- It's all good, I appreciate it all because for me I think those are interchangeable words and I've learned to do it more and with much more efficiency, shall we say. My backpack that I bought with me has a zipper bag in it that has gloves, lube--

- Way to go.

- Mink condom, non-latex condom, non-lubricated condom and a regular condom. Yes I's a ho for sure. I'm a professional ho. Need some. So when it comes to those sort of, if it's an OK Cupid thing, I think I don't have that on there, on my profile. I have a very specific profile but as we start to talk, if I definitely am like, okay this is what I wanna do, I'm like okay I just wanna be honest and put this out there. Should things go this way, barrier methods are a thing, this is what I want, this is how I function. I carry with me the following objects, you know, so it doesn't have to happen that day or that time but I wanna give information around that. If we're definitely, if things are, if we're getting down to it, we're doing the bar, coming back from the bar, hopefully not the bar. Well have the conversation before you get drunk.

- Okay that's good advice.

- That's really, really good one actually. In many states if you've had any sort of alcohol, you can't consent legally so while I am a fan and I know that we meet at bars, I do, and alcohol can be very much a social lubricant, it's not a really good actual lubricant, just FYI.


- Burns, it burns. Not from personal experience, my friend Hobbit.

- Hobbit.

- I love me some Hobbit. Hobbit has some great stories to share. But having these conversations when you're texting each other or you're like, if you're trying to hook up with somebody and your plan is to hook up with them, as you're starting to text with each other like, let's go ahead and get this conversation out of the way. I know sometimes it can be awkward so I just wanna go ahead and get it done before we had anything to drink so we're both fully aware of what we're talking about.

- I really like that and I feel like people are nervous, especially woman 'cause I feel like in pop culture women don't ever talk about sex and if they do, it's kind seen as like weird so I feel like initiating that conversation can feel so awkward but it's so empowering, right? I feel like people think that it takes away the mystique but really, if everybody's on the same page, I feel like there's nothing sexier than that.

- Exactly.

- Everybody knowing.

- Everybody knowing what's going on then if you are a guy with a woman which is more often the case where we've had the hashtag Me Too moments in the world, there are some with other amalgamations of folks Hobbit and Gandolf the pink, yes, that's where we are today, Hobbit and Gandolf the pink. So when you're, especially if you're with a guy, there's that thing but if a guy can't handle you being mature enough, aware enough, adult enough to know what you want or to be able or to recognize that you're giving them the opportunity to be safe

- You shall not come.

- What you're missing right now in the chat is, so Jeannie, we talked about Gandolf the pink behind us. I mentioned my friend Hobbit and AJ here, so Jeannie's like Hobbit and Gandolf the pink, AJ puts in caps, you shall not come.

- If you can't handle a consent talk.

- That's it. If you can't handle a consent talk, you shall not come. Wow that is AJ, thank you so much. All of the hearts, all of the hearts. Anyway you should be able to talk to them. They should be able to hear that information and be okay and if they are not capable of doing that, walk away because if they can't hear you on that, they're not gonna hear you on something more important.

- Yeah.

- They're not gonna hear you in the moment because there's lots of things you wanna do maybe or wanna try but if someone's not gonna listen to your boundaries from the get-go, think about the implications, the ripples that that would lead to. It's probably not gonna be the best and if his masculinity is so fragile that he can't handle someone saying this is what I want, this is what I like, you don't necessarily need that unless you're looking for people with fragile masculinity. If that's your jam, that's your jam. Not yucking your yum. If that's you, go for it. However if it's not then there's this idea, the thing I was gonna say a second ago, scarcity. I've heard it in heterosexual women's communities, I've heard it in butch fem communities, this idea that the kinda people you wanna date, there's not enough people out there to date so you've gotta compromise who you are to even get a date so if you get a date and you get a partner then you kinda wanna, you make some compromises to have companionship. Not necessary. If you're compromising for companionship stop that nonsense. There's no scarcity, there are plenty of people. It is tedious work to find someone that's awesome and amazing that really fits and dovetails with what you want. It is worth the effort, always worth the effort. Then you're not spending your time with people that you're like, oh I thought we were gonna be and then, don't. You and no is a full sentence also. No is a full sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you say something or like if you're confident enough and you start to have that conversation around consent and things and dude says, well since we're talking about this, that and the other, I like this and I wanna do this, dah, dah, dah and you say no and he's like, well I'm telling you what I want, you said no. If they're arguing it, end of discussion. There's no reason for you to have to explain your no. Your no is your no and that's all it takes and if someone will not honor and respect your no in a conversation, imagine what's gonna happen when you're naked and their mind is gone.

- Okay I wanna ask another question--

- Sure sure.

- 'cause this really says. This is from A Jordan in Atlanta and she says, or he says, I don't know, so I'm seeing this guy and he's really rough which I like sometimes but to a lesser degree. I asked him to stop and he did but now it's starting back again. I feel like we already had the conversation and I don't know how to bring it up again which I feel like maybe people think that consent or talk about boundaries is something that you have once but it's ongoing right?

- Consent talks are ongoing. It's fantastic that they did back down a little bit or back down for a while and now they're starting to go forward, you bring it back up the same way you did before. It's like hey, I really appreciate you respecting my boundaries and hearing me on what it was I said previously. I still am, I want things, I do want things rough but to a lesser degree and then say, can I show you some of the things that I'm talking about? Can we experiment with a night where I'm showing you what it is that I really enjoy and what I mean by rough? That's another thing, when you're having those conversations and he likes it really rough but you're like, okay I want him to kinda die that down, show him what you want. If it's, if you don't know how to show them, if you are afraid to hit or choke or pull their hair or whatever, find some sort of video that shows it. Not your mainstream porn. This is where I'm gonna give you some, stop. Do not go to a mainstream porn site, don't do it. Also don't go to Tube porn sites. The Tube sites generally have stolen content unless it's from mainstream things and then it's not always the best models.

- When you say Tube you mean Red Tube and like?

- Yeah.

- What are like--

- Porno Hamster, Porn Hamster, that's how you catch diseases, no just kidding. Trying to surf the web and just pulling down terms, don't do it. I'm a big fan of checking out queer pornography because of what it brings to the table. Queer pornography almost all of it that I've seen and the stuff that I've been involved with, it's about showing authenticity. In that you have career people who are kinky, who like rough sex, who don't have penetrative sex at all but still get off in really, really hot ways. The two sites that I recommend, partially because I'm on them but also because I really do like the way they've curated information and the stuff that they have. Pink label dot TV and crashpadseries.com.

- Local.

- Yeah they're both local, shop local. I really like what they do and I appreciate because for me, as I've gotten more, the thing about getting education is you can no longer say I didn't know and also my brain is now like I have to, my brain feels better, the hamsters calm down, they get off their little hamster wheel when I'm like, I know that the people on this were paid, everybody's paid, it was done ethically, these people weren't held hostage or it was none of the things, what was there? Live nude girls are wanted, something, something, something.

- Hot girls wanted.

- Hot girls wanted, not gonna say it's all bullshit but that's not the way of things that I've encountered. Some people do encounter that. Let me get dust anyway.

- I canthat comment

- No no, that's okay, thank you. New Gal was saying, "I do think we need therapy "or something to make it so easy to leave people "and find others when we've been taught "we're not enough in so many ways. "I'm definitely getting there but maybe y'all could have "a class on steps slash viewpoints for us to do that with."

- Oh yeah.

- See.

- Yeah.

- You're making things happen for people New Gal. Put it out there and we're gonna make that one happen for you because it is a thing. We don't know how. It's like being a survivor of domestic violence or trying to get away from abusive relationships, you don't know how to do that until you start to investigate, until it's generally two different place, it's generally like the, it's too late by that point, you're in the midst of things. Jeannie I was saying I'll type them in 'cause I didn't give them to Justin. It's crash pad series, yeah 'cause if you--

- It still has my name in it, which is fine.

- Oh that's fine, it's gonna show up under Christina's name because I'm on Christina's computer. Crashpadseries.com, I-E-S, product of the South Carolina educationmal system, thank you very much. That's crash pad and then Pink label TV. Pink label, just leave it Q. It's a Mac, you can't do anything about that. There's no back button. Pinklabel.tv, I typed them in. Pink label dot TV is one I really suggest today because it also has, it's not just queer porn, or it's curated in ways that are really amazing in my opinion. Stuff that's super queer, stuff that's vanguard sort of folks in queer, pornography and queer adult cinema, stuff for more vanilla folks. There are different categories for toys, there is like very artsy stuff, all the things so you can look in the way it's broken out and find things that may appeal to you. It's worth paying for a month for either of those sites to really get an indulge sort of moment in that and looking at things that could potentially be ways for you to show someone that you want something or what it is you're talking about when you say, yes I want you to pull my hair and smack my ass but more like this.

- More like this.

- Not like Rocco Siffredi, if you're old-school, mainstream porn person, Rocco Siffredi, ooh, he's known for just being I watched some of his stuff and I was like, oh God, oh geez, she couldn't have said yes to that. So don't get the Rocco Siffredi version of anything. Go to the more subtle, calm, thought-out things. Things that you can see that people have a genuine connection and are really there for the moment.

- Do you think that those sites demonstrate any consent conversations?

- Yes they do.

- 'Cause that would be more comfortable.

- They do do a lot of consent conversations. You see a lot of consent conversations and if you pay for the level three part of crash pad series, and like I said, for a month it's worth it, if not more. You get to have access to the behind the scenes so there's a bloopers part of that and there's also a conversation between the people who are performers about what they liked, what they found difficult in that particular shoot. Like I thought I would be sexy to shoot in leather pants 'cause that would be hot, a priest in leather pants. You know what you can't do in leather pants when you're trying to be on a bed? Fuck, you can't get them down fast enough. They stick, they won't go down so you're all ugh so yeah. But there's a conversation that happens that's recorded between the performers so you get to see after the fact that they are, they consented for things, what the conversation was like between them, how they came to the point they are. So I think it's really, really awesome and there are lots of conversations around consent. And actually, I will try to reach out to them and see if they can curate a list that I can send out that is where it shows specifically in the actual videos as opposed to the post one 'cause it costs less to have like a tier two membership where they actually demonstrate, where you see in the video itself the consent conversation that's happening. There's a lot of yes pleasers. I know that when I do things it's a lot of yes, I want that, I wanna do that so you see that regularly.

- I wanna ask you, what is enthusiastic consent and what does that look like? 'Cause I've heard that's really important for people.

- Enthusiastic consent is hot people. If you're not having enthusiastic consent, if you're not giving enthusiastic consent, you should work on that because a lot of situations people will say, well I thought this person said, or I thought they said this. Enthusiastic consent is not just the yes or the oh yes. Enthusiastic is fuck yeah or yes please, something that lets people know from the beginning that you're in it to win it. That you absolutely are giving your approval, your consent to do a thing so a yes please, a fuck yes and the thing is those things can be said in various ways and tones and it's all so good. It's all so good. A very shy, yes please from under a pillow as you're about to try something new Focus, anyway New Gal had a question. A question about porn. "I know it's off the subject but is there ethical porn "with penetration including cis-hetero folks too? "To be honest there's just something about flesh penises too "but they seem to be all featured in horrible porn." Go to pink label TV, pink label dot TV, they did, there was a separate, they're under Pink and White Productions I think is the parent company. They had a site for a while called Heavenly Spire and it was masculine erotica. Masculine sensuality and sexuality so there are flesh penises in a lot of queer stuff. That's always been one of the things I have to remember about the world is that there are queer men, not like andro or agender but your general appearing, I would mistake but because of my own bias, as a cishet man. Many of them are actually queer as all get out so I'm like, oh right, if there's a penis, he's queer. Yes, that's right, so it's really enlightening and fun and yes, there is that element in a lot of the stuff that you see on crash pad series and pink label. So to catch up with me, oh wow, see nine minutes left so we've got maybe one other question.

- Yeah we'll do one more.

- Hold on. So before I do the last question, if you're trying to find me, because I'm gonna have a lot of space between my next stream which is great because then I can revamp some things, find me not safe Twitter, not safe for work is underscore Q-tip underscore. My safe for work Twitter account is Q Wilson CA, like California. My Facebook is Q Wilson, surprise, surprise. I try to make it really easy, this is why I sort of came out on the internet to all my family. It was like, and here are the things I am. So now everybody's on the same page and I invited everyone if they were uncomfortable to go ahead and unfriend me. I would have no hard feelings about it. I gave them the opportunity, see consent. I gave them consent to go away. See, it worked. If you wanna email me, you can email me at q@dirtyblacqboi.com and that's the letter Q. Dirty black is spelt B-L-A-Q, I don't know why. Boy is B-O-I not B-O-Y, B-O-I dot com.

- What's boi for those who don't know?

- It is a part of the identity that I have, boi as in I'm a service boi in the community, I'm more masculine oriented. I'm not as prone to being more feminine presenting so I identify as a boy in the community instead of, I don't, it's a service S type, submissive type thing as opposed to being a sir or a master or a dominant. It's not my jam, I don't wanna be in charge. I tried it twice, it was horrible. I'm better off as a boi so the last question we had is--

- Alright, let's take this one. Okay, "I had a traumatic experience in my past "and sometimes it makes me feel awkward during sex. "When should I talk about this with a partner?" This is from Texas. Jill I would say that it would be important to talk about that beforehand. Talk about it beforehand when you're having conversations around desires and wants. Talk about it again before you're being physically intimate with this person as a gentle reminder that you have this possible landmine. And hopefully they are supportive when you tell them about this and bring it up and hopefully they'll say something like, thank you so much for trusting me with that information 'cause that's really being vulnerable so if you've got someone who's like Jill, sharing information with you about something, a trauma they've had in their past, the fact that they are still moving forward with intimate connections with you, is a huge, huge, deal. Slow and steady wins the race. Let them lead. Sometimes that looks like having conversations. Sometimes it's like telling you what they want in that moment, let them lead that. But if they're talking to you about it, hold space for that. Tell them that you recognize, I mean because it is a very vulnerable thing whenever, and I want to acknowledge that about any sort of consent talk, sex talk, it's a very vulnerable thing because you're not in a culture that's like, yes, I want to hear your sex talk. I am because I live in the Bay area. I'm in the leather community, I'm in the sex positive community, my world is always like that and then I forget when I go other places then I'm like, oh yeah, that's right. I'm going to Salt Lake City soon and I'm like, oh yeah, that's right, they don't do things exactly the way I do in Salt Lake City so remember that the person that's sharing information with you is being incredibly vulnerable and open and you need to hold the appropriate space for that and when I say hold space what I mean is you don't laugh at them, you don't pick at them, you comfort them, you listen to what they have to say. You're listening for information, not rebuttal. You're listening to find ways to incorporate their safety into what you're doing and the more you help them feel safe and comfortable, the less that landmine will be an issue so it's definitely worth listening to people and then if you're the person that's wanting to share something, it's hard I know. Just take a deep breath. I tell people a lot of times practice the things you wanna say that you think are going to be awkward. Practice them out loud when you're home by yourself so you can actually hear your voice say the words. If the first time you're saying I had an experience, blah blah blah blah, is right before you're getting into bed with someone, that can be super hard and that's when you have that moment of, well maybe it won't be a landmine this time, maybe it won't come up and now you've set that other person up potentially to have their boundaries violated because they didn't even know and to violate your boundaries and that's a really unfair thing to do to someone so holding space for each other's important.

- I think it's also good to know that you don't have to disclose the experience, you know. You can just leave it, like something happened and x, y and z may be an issue for me or like just kind of letting the person know what might be relevant but you don't like have to tell them why and if somebody tells you something, take their lead. Like don't pry, like maybe if you don't know each other that well, you don't need to be the hero who's like tell me what happened to you, like, you know.

- Yeah don't be a white knight, don't be a white knight.

- Yeah just like, just like--

- Those days are over.

- Thank them and listen, let them know through your actions that you're always there to listen but like you don't have to like pry.

- Yeah don't pry into it if the person's and you don't have to give them your whole life story. You can just say sometimes this thing is an issue or if I seem like I'm drifting blah blah blah blah, whatever it is you want that person to know and give them a guide on how to best support you if that thing does trigger or come up and follow what they tell you and don't ignore it. So thank you for that question. It's a question that a lot of people probably have is when do you disclose whether you say when you disclose and it's up to you what you say and you don't have to disclose the entire situation, whatever you're comfortable with and go from there. And that goes for not just talking about traumatic experiences but STI status is another one, like that's another thing we need to learn to talk about too along with that consent thing because consent allows for me or the other person or whomever you're with to make an informed judgment or an informed decision about what it is they're doing or what they're not gonna do. So not just around, consent is built into everything and I think we kind of just ignored that and we just assumed a lot of things and now we have to pull it all apart and shake everything out because it's all so icky. No no, such a technical term as an educator, icky. So that's what we're working on when you're talking, when you're using consent conversations what we're talking about a lot of times is how do we make this work? How do we go from what we've always known and always done to something that's healthier and better and by the way, far more efficient. If we're just talking about the things you spend less time like, if you're talking about what you wanna do and how you wanna do it, you spend less time sort of sitting there fiddling around. You don't waste as much time. I've learnt to be a bit more efficient about my connections because I wasn't always. I've wasted valuable time. I've spent three hours just sitting and chatting with someone and we never got around to the consent conversation and since consent is my thing, three hours and they were hot and ready had to leave because I also didn't, I didn't have the nerve to be like, so what do you wanna do? So I've learned, I've learned to move past that. It's like this might be awkward, in my brain I'm like, I'm gonna do it. So practice talking with yourself about it, saying the words out loud. Become accustomed to hearing your voice say and speak your desires, that's important. If you're, there's gotta be someplace in your world where communication and especially in erotic or intimate situations is definitely a thing so it's possible to find other places to do that. There's a couple of other, now there's another note I need to make for myself. Oh you're fine, oh good. 'Cause we're almost actually, it's a minute. It's 5:59 so I'm gonna say I'll see you guys later. I think my next thing is on the 20-something of this month. It's on the calendar, don't panic. And I'll be putting information and asking questions on my Facebook and on my Twitter and if you wanna ask me questions outside that or give us suggestions or suggestions overall about what's going on, hit up the site. Send us an email, let us know.

- Yeah go, if you email us at hello or submit, I check submit more regularly because it's more like my domain right now but submit@o.school and let us know what kinds of things you wanna see more of. Also if you have questions that you wanna have answered or like, you have a longer story that you kind of wanna like have more thought out and answered in the stream, send it to us but the ones that we shared with you were all sent from other people so.

- Yeah so thanks to those for that you did send those questions in. See we do ask them on the air, yay.

- Oh and we also have a Facebook group now called Buzz so if you go to our Facebook page it will be, you should be able to see a group called Buzz.

- Ooh, I didn't even, see I'm gonna join the Buzz group today when I go home.

- Yeah it's really, really good.

- So New Gal thank you so much. New Gal was saying, "that helps a lot. "Christina we don't have to have "a full therapy session to mention our trauma." Exactly and also "not prying, note taken. "You're all a great team, so glad to meet you Christina. "Q you're always so entertaining "and thank you Justin as always." I appreciate your presence and all good things. Enjoy the rest of your week. I'm gonna be like tomorrow I got a day off and then I'm back at it, trying to do, make this hustle happen and do the things to see you guys again so thanks so much for sticking around, I appreciate it. Justin you're awesome. New people thank you.

- Thank you Justin.

- People who came back.

- Thanks everybody.

- Awesome, this is a new person and they're gonna be around doing all things behind the scenes and making it look all pretty so we'll talk to you soon. Later guys.

We Need to Talk About Consent

Aug 8, 2018
2:00 pm
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
2:00 pm

How many of you have had a real, clear talk about consent with a partner after #metoo? Q Wilson, your boi of validation and warmth, will get you so pumped and ready to have an empowering, not awkward conversation.