The Sex Talk Your Mother Never Gave You: Using your Voice

Let’s face it, “the birds and the bees talk” our moms gave us when we were young left much to be desired. 

In this stream, sex educator Lucia Pavone gives us the sex talk our parental figures never did.  

Pavone says while she’s happy her mother told her not to marry young and to just have fun, she wishes she’d been taught at least ten more things about sex, and about using her voice. 

Here are 10 things your mother never taught you about sex: 

  1. Masturbation is normal and a great way to explore your wants and needs. 
  2. If you’re a clitoris-owner, wash your hands and clip your fingernails before touching yourself. 
  3. Desires are important, and they’re valid.  
  4. Use your voice to communicate your desires, wants, and needs. Compliment your partner and yourself often.  
  5. Use your voice to listen. Listen to what your partner wants and doesn’t want. 
  6. Use your voice to tell your partner how they can best give you pleasure. Pavone says, “you can't expect someone else to give you what you want unless you know your body intimately and what feels good to you first.” 
  7. Use your voice to have great sensual experience because sex isn’t just about a climax. 
  8. Learn about STIs, use protection, get tested, and ask your partner questions about their sexual health. 
  9. Having sex during your period can be amazing. 
  10.  “Virginity is bullshit,” Pavone says. There’s no reason to hold on to it if you’re ready for sex, and all you need to do is ask for what you want. 

Pavone answers other questions about sex and sensuality, such as how to start conversations with kids around masturbation and shame, why pleasure-based sex education is so important, and how parental figures can model healthy relationship behaviors to kids. 

All in all, we can agree that our first conversations about sex should be way more comprehensive, because, as Pavone says, “knowledge is empowerment.”

Video transcript

Hi, welcome. This is Lucia Pavone if you're hoppin' on. I am glad that you're here and we're gonna be starting our livestream shortly. Tonight's topic is all about the sex edu wish that your mom had told you perhaps. And while we wait for the moderator to jump on, go ahead if you have a story that you're coming with and you wanna share it with us, I am looking forward to hearing all about that. Hello, Justin. I am well, thank you so much for being here and welcome to you, I see people hoppin' on. Once again my name is Lucia Pavone. I'm a pleasure pro here in My background is in education of the female anatomy, female orgasm, sensuality, and pleasure. I'm looking forward to tonight's really juicy conversation with all of you. And as people are jumping on, if you are coming here with a story, please feel free to put it. Go ahead and start to chat about the sex topic your mother never gave you, using your voice is the topic tonight. So if there's something that's coming up for you and you're already jumping on with the story that you wanna share tonight, I would love to hear it. Okay. So Justin's on. I'm gonna go for this right away 'cause I have so many great things to share. This is a very important topic to me. A little background why I'm so passionate about this topic is that I come from a very wonderful family and my family, my mother and my father are both from Sicily, so they weren't born in the United States. And I grew up very religious, Roman Catholic specifically. So my education around sexuality was quite limited and I really wished that my mom was the person that I could have gotten this information from but that wasn't the case. And I, at a very young age, did not have the voice, the resources or the know-how to share with anyone else about what I wanted, what I desired, what I needed and so now as a mother of an almost 18-year-old daughter I'm super excited that I get to be in a position where I get to empower my own daughter to use her voice to speak up for the things she wants around her sexuality, around her pleasure and be on. So if you're jumping on, once again, my name is Lucia Pavone. I'm a pleasure instigator, sensuality instructor. I have been a researcher of deliberate embodied orgasms, full bodied orgasms for close to 16 years. So I've done a lot of hands-on research which I'm really proud of and excited to share at different times here on So tonight's stream though is really about acknowledging that the outcome from different backgrounds, different cultures, different ways of life, and we've all had different experiences. Hi, Willy! Hello, nice to meet you! Welcome! If you have a story tonight about something that influenced you around your sexuality where you'd wished that you would had some background, some information from your mom, maybe any mother figure or parental figure, I'll just say, around sex ed, your sexuality and where having had, if you would had that kind of wonderful education, something may have been different, I wanna hear those stories. And we have a couple already that are being shared on Okay, so before we go on to the things that my mom didn't tell me, I wanna tell you something that she did tell me which really influenced me in my life. And the first one was really interesting and it was, "Don't get married until you're at least 30." And the second thing was, "Have fun!" Those two things in particular influenced me so positively and that she gave me this out, this knowledge around relationships that maybe she didn't have the greatest communication and relationship with my dad and that she really valued the idea of not rushing into the traditional way of being, even though I came from a traditional family. And the second thing, have fun. Now this is probably the best bit of advice, sex advice that my mom ever gave me, was to have fun. And I know that she meant it in every way. And I felt it when she said have fun. And it has permeated every part of who I am as a woman. The concepts of having fun in my sex life, having fun inside and outside of bedroom actually is key to me. Hey, Meki, how is it going? Aw, thank you. Yes, thank you for the birthday wishes. And I will say my 46th birthday is on Thursday. So I'm really excited to be able to be here with all of you live streaming on So I really wanna hear from you all tonight. Where did your experiences influence you? Where had you wished you had had information around using your voice to ask for what you want? Does anybody have a fun story out there? Go ahead and use the chat to, if you feel comfortable, to share that in the, with all of us. Love for this to be interactive, fun, open livestream. I know that there's pieces that are very vulnerable and I'm gonna share a couple of stories that are listeners shared on social media, on Facebook earlier today. So in the meantime I'm gonna give you the opportunity to share. Okay, so I made a list of 10 things that I wish my mom had actually told me about sex specifically around using my voice. But the first thing I wanna say is wherever you're coming from is perfect. I want to really honor that. If you're coming from a different part of the world, this may or may not pertain to you. Now, I live in the Unites States so it is pretty open here to talk about things that you want especially as a woman, but we don't use our voices necessarily as often as we can. And there may be other parts of the world where it may not be as safe necessarily to even talk about sex. Asking for what you want may assume that you are promiscuous or that you're dirty. So I do wanna acknowledge these things before I get started that my conversation tonight is based on my own experiences growing up as a young girl and a woman in the United States with parents that didn't. I love the chat and the, let's see. Hi, Meki! Hi, Justin! Hi, Willy! Okay, so tonight's conversation. I wanna talk about the first thing I really wish that I had gotten some know-how around or some conversation around. The talk that my mom never ever, never broached. But we have broached it since and I just wanna say that and give her credit for sure, around masturbation. Now, masturbation, first of all, as I've said to my own daughter and literally I handed her a mirror, if you don't have a mirror, you'll definitely wanna get a mirror, is super fun. And not only is it super fun but it is the number one and best way to understand what it is you are bringing to the table in when you are connecting with another person. So masturbation is extremely healthy. It is a way to build good feelings in your body if you specifically have a pussy with a clitoris, it is the best way to understand how your body functions. The only purpose of your clitoris is to feel exquisite pleasure with 8,000 nerve endings. It is a receptor of fun and pleasure. And masturbation is not something that my mom talked about. It's actually shunned in my family. So anything that has to do with touching yourself, not only was it not talked about, when it came up in any kind of like TV or conversation or at church like it was a sin. It was told, I was told that it was a sin. I would no longer be a virgin if I touch myself, that pleasure was not something that was really shared about in my family even though I knew that it felt good, right? So now I have a different viewpoint. I really love to masturbate and I actually masturbate, I would say daily. And it's good for you multiple levels. It's the fastest way, I believe, to connecting to your heart and your mind. It's the fastest way to loving your body and it also offers you a huge amount of information that you can then make available to somebody that you're in partnership with. Hey, Elsie, great to have you on. So tonight's topic is all about the sex talk that your mom never gave you and using your voice, like how can you use your voice to have exquisite experiences that you really wanna have and where you could have used your voice maybe in the past to avoid having experiences that you didn't wanna have. So tonight is an interactive, as always, interactive livestream. If you are out there and you have a story where you wish that you had known something but didn't know and in what happened was you weren't able to actually speak up about it and ask for what you want. That's what I wanna hear. I wanna hear stories around where you didn't get an opportunity to use your voice because you didn't know how or you didn't have the information at hand. Oh, great. I love that you're here, Elsie. Okay, so masturbation not only is it normal and healthy, it's not a sin. It feels great. It feels yummy. Aw, Decil, hello! Thank you so much for being here. I'm gonna be getting to your story really soon and I wanna say thank you and I have permission, I wanna let everybody know it's safe for you which is letting you know that I'm gonna do something before I do it. But I'm gonna be sharing a couple of very intimate vulnerable stories about where a lack of information from mom led to some pretty intense situations. So masturbation, the one thing that I wish I knew around masturbation was that your vulva, your clitoris, your pussy is very sensitive and so oftentimes very rarely would I ever wash my hands or I would touch other parts of my body and then touch my pussy. So little things like that, like nobody ever says hey, trim your nails because you could give yourself micro abrasions on your pussy. Hey, make sure your partner has bare hands and nails cleaned and trimmed because there could potentially be micro abrasions when they're touching you. These are little things that most moms don't know and definitely not my mom. That very, very little sex education. And so what I wanna say is that by the time I was 13 I was actually the person who knew more about sex than my mom, who at this point had four children. So she knew how to give birth but she knew nothing about pleasure. She actually asked me to get a book about the body. Okay, so sex ed story. I am gonna go ahead and share one story that was shared in Bust, our online group. And if you don't know about Bust, maybe just don't put the link there, go ahead and join our Facebook group that is run by It's fabulous. There's so many great stories that people are sharing. Another resource for a wonderful pleasure-based sex education. Okay, now this story is meant, I just wanna warn you that there might be some things that come up for you. Some things came up for me reading it and I'm gonna share vulnerably with you about them. But this story is really meant to support other people. And if it can support another people, this is what the purpose of showing this is about. So I'm gonna read it, okay? Knowledge is empowerment. Not to sound depressing but I was sexually active at the age of 16 when my boyfriend at that time gave me chlamydia. I had no idea why I was not feeling well. And after I found out my boyfriend cheated on me, I pulled the courage to talk to my mother and tell her that I was not a virgin anymore and that I wanted to see a doctor. She was so upset that she walked out of my bedroom and never spoke about it again. Because I was underage, I couldn't see a doctor to myself so I had to wait until I was 18 to get checked by my doctor. By then it was too late and something that could have been treated with antibiotics left me sterile. I've never shared this story in a public forum, not even with my mother. I love what you guys are doing here and if my story can help a young girl or another woman that it will be worth it. So the person who shared this story gave us permission to share it. And I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart that you are helping other people by sharing this story. And it's in sharing these stories vulnerably that you inspire other people to share truthfully about their own sexual history, about what they could do. If you're a mom out there, having conversations when your child comes to you and says I could use some support around my sexual health, listen. It's important. As a mom myself of an 18-year-old, almost 18-year-old daughter, having an experience like this that leaves a long lasting imprint is not only heartbreaking but it can be dangerous. And I don't wanna diminish your experience at all but I wanna say it really inspired me and like I wish I'd had more information around how as STIs are contracted. I had an amazing, fun lover in my 20s and he gave me misinformation around his STI status with herpes. And I really believed and trusted him in that. And even though I was a little bit more aware I still contracted genital herpes and it was devastating at 23 to find this out. It was nothing that my parents would ever have told me, definitely not my mom. So if you are in a position as a mom or if you're in a position where you're wishing that you would some type of information, I want you to know that you're not alone out there that there's a lot of people on this planet that really wished that they had had the sex ed that could have saved them from having to have those awkward conversations with lovers or awkward conversations with partners around their STI status. And if you are somebody on the other end, having to listen to those pieces that you open your heart and you are willing to hear with compassion, that everybody has a story. And so this is one of the reasons why I'm so grateful that we get to do this livestream tonight, that I am really hoping that this inspires other people to get them to come on to and get the information and the resources that are available to them.'s much more than a resource for safe sex and STI information but beyond that you can get a lot of information on pleasure-based sex which is something that I'm so passionate about. So thank you for sharing that story. Okay. I'm curious, are there any other stories or people out there that are willing to share something about their sex history that where they had wished they actually had some kind of information? Whatever it is, don't be shy. I know it can be a range. It could be anything from I really wish I had information on how to give great head or I really wish I had information on that my body was totally fine. And I'm gonna share a couple more things that I wish I had information on. So I shared that I wish I knew more about masturbation and that it was normal but luckily by the time I was 16 I actually got some great information and I wanna shout out to my dear friend, I'm just gonna say MB. And she was amazing. Her mom gave her a lot of information about masturbation so I got to learn about how to masturbate. And specifically using cool jets, who knew? But I had that resource and I'm forever grateful that that was something that I got information on before I became an adult. Okay, the second thing I really wanted, I would have wanted to know around sex from my mother was that my desires are important, and they're valid. Now, our culture really teaches us that a woman's desire and a woman's pleasure is really secondary to a man's. Now, this is based in the idea that the best kind of sex somehow is penis and vagina intercourse and that our roles as women are to somehow please a penis only. Now, this really excludes 51% of the population that to say that our only function is to make babies and please somebody with a penis is quite dehumanizing, especially since our desires are the root, I believe, of the passion and love on this planet. That when our desires are not taken care of and fulfilled and voiced, that this earth suffers. I know it's kinda like a big concept. But if you are a woman, you've ever experienced deep longing or deep desire, you were not able to voice that desire then you know how that desire sits and swells up in your body. And the facts of not voicing what you want can go deep and they can be very traumatizing. They can be the root potentially of depression, sadness, anxiety, unvoiced desires. Unmet validation with our desires can leave us feeling like a lesser being. So how do you voice your desires as a woman? Well, that's a great question. It goes back to first of all, number one, knowing your body, knowing your body, know what your body wants. So the more you masturbate, the more you feel into your body, the more you understand it, the more you understand what it is you desire. A lot of women I work with say I don't know what I want, I don't know what I desire. And so it goes back to understanding that masturbation is a natural and fun and everybody should include that as a way to understand and feel into their desires. Okay, Elsie, I wish I knew that when my mom shamed me when she discovered me masturbating that I knew that the shame was hers and not mine in any way. Still unlearning that shame. Oh, Elsie, that is, thank you for sharing that. Yes, shame is part, has become a normal part of our culture and it's unfortunate that we have passed this on through generation that somehow our vulvas, our pussies are dirty and shameful, and that the actual act of touching it is somehow shameful. And I wish I had known that too. And it took me a long time to actually ask my mom if she ever masturbated. Like I needed to get validated myself in that, like I needed to know, did you ever touch yourself? And it was interesting that her response was well, we did those things but we don't talk about them. But you know what? I do. I do talk about masturbation. And the more I talk about masturbation the more other pros on talk about masturbation, the more normal we make it, it is normal. It is a wonderful healthy part of being in our bodies. So I wanna encourage you to continue to talk about masturbation. And unlearning the shame, Elsie, thank you for sharing that. It really is for me how I unlearn shame around my pussy was to every day I would literally take out a mirror and I would use my voice and I would actually use it on myself. How can you share? Look in the mirror and tell yourself my pussy's beautiful, my cock is beautiful. Those are the pieces wherever you, whenever you get a negative or limiting belief come up and pop up, you can actually use the five-second rule. Shout out to my friend Mel Robins. Five, four, three, two, one, my pussy's beautiful and do a little dance. Reprogramming your brain actually is possible and I use it with the women that I work with to unlearn the pieces around shame around their bodies, not just their pussies, all of their bodies. Because when we're starting with disliking and feeling shame around a part of our body that is meant for pleasure, it's easy to feel shame about every part of our body. So I like to start with the vulva in ending shame. I go directly to the source. The more I switch my mindset around it and retrain my brain, the more I fall in love with my body. It's like it's a program shame, yes! Yes, Elsie, our body. The wonderful thing about our bodies and the shitty thing about our bodies is that our bodies are there to protect us. Their function is they get this signal coming in and our body automatically goes and tries to protect us based on all the viewpoints that we have developed or all the experiences that we have gained throughout our lifetime. And if the experience was deemed negative or bad, it goes into that fight or flight mode. And so it starts to bring up those feelings of like, oh, this is shameful. It's like, yeah. And so when that happens, holy cow, it can be really overwhelming. It can cause fear. It can cause anxiety. It can cause sadness and stress. To hide my behavior breathing from hearing. Aw, I'm so glad that the mirror work has helped you. Yes, it's like our breath will stop. And here's the other thing, Elsie, with that. I'm glad that you said that. You can actually use your voice to move trauma and you sound to move trauma. This is something I've been actually researching lately with a good friend of mine in using sound, specifically patterned sound, to sit and use energetically to move those pieces of shame through our bodies and the programming and reprogramming our bodies. So as that develops and unfolds, I will share more about that, I'm really excited about this work that I'm doing and utilizing the creative energy out there to help women and shame, body shame. Okay, I am so happy. We're all here too. So if you, thank you, Justin. If you are enjoying the livestream, a couple of things. There's a little tip jar there and I really appreciate everybody being here. If you are finding value tonight or even if you just wanna support because you believe in this pleasure-based sex ed website then go ahead, we'd love your tips. And tonight I'd love to hear your stories about where if you had known certain things that maybe your mom would have taught you that you would have had a different say in how things went, in how you set things even for yourself, even around masturbation. And now, voice, when I say voice it's not just the vocalization and outright vocalization of what your desires are, it's also the voices in our head like Elsie was saying. We have voices come up around weight. So for example, and I was just sharing this with my lover that there's something that they had said around how much they weighed. And this old imprint in my head popped up from nowhere and I felt body-shamed and I noticed it right away. I didn't say it but I did write about it 'cause I wanted to move it real quick. And I did share it with them after. And all these old imprints really come in. So I really wish my mom had said gosh, you are beautiful no matter what you weigh. But I got a lot of things not necessarily from my mom but sometimes like, oh, you have a big butt. And it's takin' up, riding up the back of your skirt so I have to hem your skirts differently. That was really traumatizing later on in life because I always look in the mirror and think that my butt's too big But it's actually great. See, great question, Meki. Let me see. I think it's a bit late now to rethink what our parents should have told us about sex, but for us as future parents or older siblings. What are your advice on how to start the conversation with the kids around masturbation and shame? You know what, Meki, so thank you for sharing your point of view. I don't think it's too late because I think talking about what we wish we had is actually the beginning of having the conversation. We have to go on our own experiences. I'm sharing from my point of view what I wish my mom had taught me, and that's why I'm doing this livestream so that I can have a point of view what you can, what parents can do. And this isn't just a stream for like what parents can do now and I get your point of view though, like I do want parents out there to get some of this, to get this information and get through in that way. But it's important that we share these stories because people sharing is what really educates us. It is valid. Your stories are very valid. And having these conversations around your stories is valid. And you also don't have to live in a victimized state around your parents not having told us. Summit for example, my mom didn't get told all this stuff. I don't blame her for not telling me, like, you're gonna get your period and you're gonna bleed every month. I don't blame her for that. I mean I already knew that I was gonna get my period but her mom did not really tell her. When she got her period, she got a rag. Literally a rag in a different country and that's what she was told around her period. But I do wanna answer your question, Meki: what's your advice in how to start the conversation with our kids around masturbation and shame? Well, the advice is that it's gonna happen pretty naturally. So when you see it, the first thing is not necessarily you start a conversation but to not make your little two-year old wrong. 'Cause masturbation doesn't start at five, 10, 12, in middle school. It really starts the minute we understand that we're exploring our bodies from a very young age and it feels good. And so what I would recommend to parents, and a couple of parents have asked me, one woman asked me if it was okay if her two-year-old sat on the chair, armchair, the arm of the chair and rocked herself on her genitalia every night to fall asleep 'cause it felt so good. She was worried that it was damaging her kid, not that would be the only way she could fall asleep and or that she would fall off which she did a couple of times apparently. And I said, you know what, what I would do is actually I would put a couple of mats on the floor and I would explain to her that that's a wonderful way to fall asleep. And if it feels good to her, that she could do that and that she should know that if it at all feels, 'cause it feels good down there that she can talk to you. And she said, gosh, that's such a great advice. And this is for a two-year-old. So just know that masturbation is normal. If your young child is masturbating with usually a stuffed animal or their hands that this idea that you have to, you have to go into your room and hide, that's also a form of shaming. So I would go ahead and I would say things like, hey, did you wash your hands? It's really important that your hands are clean if you're gonna touch your vulva. And I would use the correct words, body parts. So those are the two tips. On avoiding violence and abuse in relationships when the kids start dating. Okay, I will answer that. Thanks, Elsi, also sharing your story with us, yes. Thanks, Meki, for trying to get braver and share. You guys create such a sweet space. Yeah, I really appreciate, Meki, that you have such great questions on here and that I'm gonna take the moment one at a time, let's see. On avoiding violence and abuse. So here's the thing. For my point of view, this idea that we have to avoid violence is fucked up. We shouldn't have to walk out there and actually avoid violence. This is a cultural piece and an experiential piece that we should actually, instead of goin' out there running from fear and avoiding violence, we should actually be going towards fun and pleasure instead. And this is where we need to reprogram our whole society around this. And it really starts with one person at a time sharing that it's not about being in fear all the time and avoiding the violent and abusive situation. Now, this is like, this is a very patriarchal viewpoint. This is a very limited, this is a fear-based puritanical belief. So my thought around this, Meki, is that people who come to start to share about pleasure, about how to go towards having fun and pleasure rather than avoiding the pain and avoiding going out there and getting raped. I mean, God, that is terrifying that I would have to be trained to avoid getting raped. Hey, how about like, honoring the divine feminine and masculine around us? How about love? How about teaching your children that people are sensing beings and that we should honor each other in that way and that we can use our voice for as much to hate to love and to share the good things about our bodies. Oh, gosh, you're getting me going there. I'm like, oh, I hear this all the time even from the women around me. How can I go out there and be flirty Lucia? How can be embodied when I have to like come up face-to-face with potentially getting too much attention or too much negative looks or glances? Well, this is a bigger conversation. This is around getting pleasure-based sex education and like go in from the why I'm doing the stream. That parents, we need to start talking especially as I say mommas because I'm a momma and this is specific to moms tonight. But really, if you don't have a mom, if you have a parental figure that doesn't identify as a mom then anybody who's teaching you around your sex education. A parental figure can start with your body is yours and you're at total responsibility for the pleasure that it feels and the pleasure that you can give to another person. All right, oh, my goodness. All right, something else that I wish I had known, I wish my mom told me that having your sex, having sex, any kind of sex act during your period is gonna be amazing. It's amazing, potentially amazing. I figured this out on my own, pretty young. So I don't have shame around having sex, intercourse, getting eaten out, having oral sex, any of that on my period. I think it's totally natural and it feels really good and that's a wonderful experience actually. One of the times in a woman's cycle, a person with a vulva cycle where you can experience some of the most potent pleasure possible that you can use your menstrual flow as great lubrication and also that you do have to be a little bit more deliberate around using protection if you have an STI or if you are concerned about contracting an STI. So nobody told me that my period was a great time to enjoy my pleasure if anything I was shamed and called, it was was dirty time and it's smelly time and at this time. So I would say how do you use your voice around sharing with a partner? Now, this happened literally yesterday where I had a tampon in and I said hey, I really like to have a sex act without my tampon. I'm gonna take my tampon out. Is that all right with you? And then they're like, yeah, do what feels best for you. And I felt so grateful that I actually got to say and use my voice. And this is what the partner that is relatively new to me but I was trained really well in using my voice to say that. And what it did was it allowed for me to actually relax and have some incredible yummy, juicy, sensual pleasure in my life. And so, and if you are a person who doesn't have a vulva and doesn't bleed every month, one thing that you can do to encourage your partner is to really learn and educate yourself around a woman's heat cycle specifically her menstrual cycle and know that you can actually have so much fun and pleasure. You can actually use latex gloves. You don't have to use latex gloves if you're screened with a partner. And you can use that time during a woman's cycle to really honor and appreciate the pussy. You can worship their pussy and have a lot of fun with it and really change it into something for future generations to see as positive and loving and fun. Okay, I'm gonna look into the chat real quick. Oh, no, I didn't mean sexual violence but if kids in the household seeing parents fighting most of the time, my case, and the mother trying to keep the household at peace, she might tolerate these violence as not get divorce. Oh, great. Okay, thank you, Meki, I really appreciate you explaining that. That's really good. I'll answer that in a moment, because I can give you specific experience for my own upbringing. So how does a mom teach her children, girls not to accept this kind of abuse just to keep the family together? Well, first of all, I wanna say it's not just, I'm not gonna leave it just to one gender, just to daughters because it happens for sons as well, girls and boys are affected by violence and abuse in the household. How can she teach her son that violence is fucked up? Yeah, thank you. Fucked up ways showing that you're the man and person in charge in a relationship. These are excellent, excellent questions. So having to come from the point of view of my own personal story, so I don't think I've actually shared this in this way live and so I want to just so you have some, create some container and safety around, I'm gonna come from my point of view in how I experienced it and at no way am I sharing this to bring shame to my father or my mother, but I did grew up in a household at a young age where I was, I witnessed violence in physical and verbal abuse in my household. And it was traumatic for me and that I had to actually lie to another family member around my mother's appearance. And it left an imprint forever in who I am as a woman and I put on a very deep outer shell myself. I actually, how my voice ended up coming out was as the tough girl, as angry and mad. And I always felt that I had to defend myself and yeah, by yelling. And so it's taking me a long time and it's still a process, Meki, in who I am as a woman in my relationships and how I communicate. There will be times I'll feel that myself wanting to get defensive and wanting to yell. And I don't wanna pass it on necessarily to my daughter but I also wanna be able to vocalize when I have to. And I also wanna have that strength and voice when I need to say fuck no, okay? When I wanna say no and in a situation that might be violent outside the house too. So the best way I believe is it's really to be deliberate. There's no other way around it than to face it head on and acknowledge that it exists. It's not necessarily a bad thing to, and it's not necessarily your fault that you, it's not your fault that you grew up in a household potentially that may have had violence around it. But as an adult, you are still at total responsibility for your emotions, for your actions, for your body. And this is where you can learn to play from. When I say play from, you can come at your life from the point of view, Meki, where you are at total responsibility. So one thing you could do is you could take pauses. If something starts to feel like it is creating a lot of sensation and energy in your body, you can actually feel what that is. So the first thing I do is actually slow down. Where do I feel the sensation? Can I take responsibility for what that sensation is? What is it? Just name it. Name it. Is it angry? Is it anger? And can you say I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel pissed off. I fel hurt. And just naming it defuses the sensation. So that's one of the things you could start at a very young age with your children. I remember Sapphira being young and she'd get frustrated and she'd want to like yell and she would pent it up and that's not necessarily the direction you want your child to go in. You don't want them to necessarily pent it up either. Repressed anger is not fun to deal with later in life. So actually a great tool is really processing in the moment with your child, with your daughter, with your son acknowledging them that they feel angry. Yeah, I hear that you feel angry. And a great way to acknowledge is to use what's called a tone 40. It's flat even tone where you can just say yes, I hear that you feel mad. And you can hear them. Hear them out. You could do this an adult if you're in a relationship. You are wanting to hear the other person, you can actually put your attention on them. This is where you get to use your voice. And now part of using your voice is actually listening. In order to use your voice effectively, listening to your partner is crucial. So a good first step, Meki, would be to put your total attention on them whether it's a child or a partner, find them right just the way they are without judging them or trying to explain your point of view and listening. So if you are, I'm gonna read this real quick. Hi, Control Freak two. How, okay, especially in my culture, domestic violence is very high even with younger generations. Yes, so Meki, I understand culturally where you're at and this was also in my, growing up a Sicilian, violence is also, I wouldn't say, it wasn't high but there is this era of like the patriarchal dominating machismo factor in this. And so there is some higher rates of domestic violence. I wanna speak specifically to, about fucked up. Teach your son. Okay, so teach your son and daughter. I'm gonna keep it gender neutral. Teach your son and daughter because it goes both ways and I myself have been in the position where I feel like I have been abusive to a partner in my life with my voice and with my anger and in shot jets out there. So the best way is to acknowledge that person's feelings that they're valid. Okay, something else, let's see. We have about 10 more minutes. Okay, another thing that, the sex ed I wish I had learned from my mom that would have allowed me to use my voice in my knowing is that you can't expect someone else to give you what you want unless you know your body intimately and what feels good to you first. So that is really a big one and that's a lesson that is a, that is something that I learned around my sexuality when I was much older. As a woman who considers herself very fluid in choices about who and what I desire my life and around gender, I still no matter what expect it for a long time the other person to take care of my pleasure. I had been given a lot of really limiting viewpoints around sexuality and that there's always some kind of end results that had to happen because I had this like goal orientation around my sexuality. I always had it in there that somehow it was my partner's responsibility to give me an orgasm, to give me the climax, to give it to me. And if they weren't givin' it to me then they were wrong, and that was not very friendly. I wasn't able to actually ask for those things for a long time so I just stayed silent. And I was having very mediocre sex because of it. And I also only had this viewpoint that the only reason to have sex was to have a climax. And I think a lot of people in this culture around the world doesn't matter how you identify that we're still a very goal-oriented, climax-oriented culture. That's really based in this like penis and vagina scenario. So I wanna encourage, I guess, what I would have wanted to know is that by really knowing my body intimately, my vulva, my pussy, my clitoris, even the sheer fact that I had a clitoris, hello, I didn't know I had a clitoris until I was well, somewhere around 17, 18. I was probably on the younger side that I actually knew I had a clitoris. But I knew this was my clitoris, I didn't know that there was a whole, because you know what? I grew up in the '80s and '90s. They didn't even know that the clitoris looked like this back then. So, holy cow, not till 1998 did we actually have a full imaging of the full entire clitoris which is the root of all orgasm. Okay, I know people are like, you can have a cervical orgasm. You can have a vaginal orgasm. You can have a nipple orgasm. This is the sexual seat though so you might feel it in your cervix or your vagina but there's no pressure sensitive nerve endings on your vaginal walls. And your nipples are connected through nerve endings to your clitoris, so it's still clitorally-based. You're feeling it in your nipples, you're connecting it, but orgasm is clitoral even if it's from the inside. Even if you're reaching for that G spot, guess what, you're touching the clitoris, woo hoo! Still touching the clitoris. So I wish I'd knew that I had a clitoris because I probably would have started having extended full body orgasms in my 20s or even in my teens if I knew that that, that there was something other than sex being for making babies and pleasing a cock. And I really wish that I had intimately learned about my clitoris. And that's one thing I am confident, I have done this with my daughter. And actually, I wanna share with you something in a complete spectrum. I actually asked her before she went out for the night. She's almost 18. I said, hey, babe, I wanna know like what, as a teenager, as a young girl, what can I as a mom have shared with you so that you can use your voice to have great sensual experiences, great relationship to your sexuality? And bein' a sensual researcher of course I was like on it. I was like here's your mirror, here's your lube, it's your body, I want you to explore it and I'm gonna put you into a sensuality course and a communication course. And she was 14 when she took her first sensuality course. And the one thing she said to me was, mom, I really wish you would have noticed that maybe I wasn't quite ready to take that sensuality course at 14 when you put me in it. And I was like, oh, my God, like this is tonight that she said this to me for the first time. And I said, babe, I am so grateful. Thank you so much for sharing that. I didn't listen to you. I wanted to project my, fuse on you so badly even though they were pleasure-oriented and super, super awesome and rich and probably influenced her life. They still impacted her 'cause she wasn't quite ready to actually learn or want to receive that information. So that's another tip in there. That's another thing if you are somebody who believes that your kid should know everything. They may not be actually ready to hear it all. So be deliberate to ask permission. Ask permission. I never knew anything was connected to the clit. Well, so Control Freak, the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and it has a whole wiring system throughout your body. And you can actually control your orgasm and your nervous system through the head of your clitoris. And so for the past 16 years I personally have trained in full body orgasm. Can you show a diagram as to how anatomically speaking? Yeah, there are, I can probably go and Google one down for you where the nerve endings literally go throughout the body. There's also a nerve endings in the vagus nervous system which are attached to the cervix so there are two different, there's the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. So I can get on that. We can actually do a whole piece, another piece if wants to do it on control, the nervous, the clitoris of your nervous system. It is one of my favorite things to talk about. So the chemistry and the biology of orgasm is something I love. And I wanna say I'm not a doctor. I am not a biology or science major but I am a brain geek. I love everything about the nervous system, about the brain, and how you can actually control your orgasm. 90% of your orgasm begins conceptually in your brain so you have a whole wired nervous system that speaks to your clitoris and it's pretty amazing. Like you can connect, I spent years connecting my nipples to my clitoris so I can actually stroke my nipples very lightly and I can have orgasm. I can stroke my lip as well. There's erectile tissue and nerve endings and I can actually feel orgasm in my body that way. And this is something that I wanna say I have spent like 6,000 hours training my body, I still do, to feel that kind of sensation. Can you? Yeah, me too! Yay, Control Freak Two! I love it! I would like to hear Control Freak. I would love to hear some of your experiences. Maybe you would like to share perhaps what's something that you would have loved your mom to share with you that would have supported you to use your voice to ask for something that you wanted? Maybe you wanted to have an experience around, that's what I'm working on now. I love it! I love that you're working on that. Can you share a little bit more about that? A nipplegas, oh, great! Yeah, nipplegasm. So I love teaching about I call it connections. I love teaching about connections in my courses and I talk about it. I'm gonna be talking about it in my three-day event up in Portland, Oregon in September around how to connect different parts of your body to your clitoris and to your pussy. So it's one of my favorite things, my upper level students. I really love this topic. So this is a whole another conversation and super fun. If you, we're almost at six o'clock. If you have been enjoying yourself and you have another story, I'm willing to stay a few more minutes. Another thing I would have said I would have wanted my mom to share is that virginity is bullshit but she didn't believe that because she grew up Catholic and religion played a huge part in suppression of women's sexuality. And so she really believed even if I used a tampon that I would, somehow, not be a virgin anymore. And so this is something I would have wanted everybody to know that virginity is a totally made up concept and that asking for, you'll know you're ready to have some kind of sex act if you can actually ask for what you want. I had somebody recently asked me if, they were nervous around on like having a very first sexual experience around using a finger, penetration with a finger and she said, I'm not sure if I'm ready. And I said, well, have you explored your body in this way? And they didn't really know a lot about their body. And I said, until you're ready to actually share what feels good to you, I would suggest that you not share something like that with somebody else. My mother started sharing everything with us. Now that I'm older I appreciate it. When I was younger, I was disgusted. Yeah, Control Freak Two. What a wonderful thing that you can acknowledge now that your mother shared everything. And I kind of like on this level too where I shared a lot with my daughter as well. And she would turn her head and feel kind of disgusted about it or definitely feel disgusted, but she wasn't even able to share that with me. So if you are a parent and you are giving a ton of information, one of the ways you can actually know is to ask. Be like I would love to share a little bit about little sex education with you. Are you open to that? And they can say no. You can still get verbal consent from your teenager or your six-year-old or your 10-year-old. You can say, would you like me to share about your penis with you? And a six-year-old might say, yes, I wanna know everything. And you know what, you can do this as an adult too. So if you're with somebody and you want to share with them about something that turns you on, you can ask, you know, would it be okay with you if I shared about my fantasy about sucking your cock? Yes, I'd love to hear that fantasy because overstepping the boundary can be really devastating if somebody hasn't asked, said yes to hearing that. You don't know what the outcome's gonna be. When I was younger I was disgusted. All right, so we're at six o'clock. This has been so much fun. I wanna say, I really, I appreciate everybody for being on here tonight and really posing some juicy questions and keeping the dialog going around you know what, what you would've wanted your mom to actually share with you around sex so that you could actually use your voice to get the experiences that you want. Now we only touched the tip of the iceberg, just like that, the glans, the clitoris, yay. But those are some of the things that really came to mind, and remember as one of our student or viewers shared earlier, knowledge is empowerment. When you put this on the table, you make it okay, you give permission to other people to, like, empower themselves, to learn, and grow and expand their possibilities in their own central life, their own sex life, and make it okay for other people to come to you and ask vulnerably. Yes, thank you, Elsie. It's so fun to see you on here, Meki. And I just wanna say I have a three-day event, a live three-day event coming up September 7th, 8th, and 9th in Portland, Oregon. This event is for people who identify as women. You don't necessarily identify as women, doesn't have to be the genital assignment of a vulva. But it's a live three-day event where I'm actually gonna be sharing a lot of my information that I teach in my courses. And this is gonna be a fun party. This is gonna be, it's called the Embodied Woman Live, AKA Portland Pussy Takeover. And it is an opportunity for people, women who identify as women, to come together in community, really understand and learn about what's possible in their sex lives and their bodies, and I am gonna give you a lot of my juicy bits around deliberate and bodied orgasm. I'm gonna be talking about, you know, the basics of producing full body one-hour orgasm in your own body, and how to do that in another person's body and how to receive that from another person. It's gonna be really juicy, fun time. I have guest speakers coming. This is an opportunity for you to fly in from wherever you're at, whether you live in the United States or somewhere else, this is an event. This is a fun three-day fully packed event. I put the link right in there. You can reach me social media. I am Luscious Lucia Pavone. Maybe I'm not sure if Justin shared my medial links, but you can find me on Facebook, Luscious Lucia Pavone. You can find me on Twitter, Luscious_Life. Find me on Facebook @LusciousLuciaPavone, and share, like, comment. If you have comments, reach out on Facebook, on Instagram, and let me know what you want to hear. I will talk about pretty much anything. I'm an open book. So thank you so much, Meki. Thank you and I really appreciate you all sharing your stories, but you're all here in this safe space. And nothing that you say is gonna faze me. I'm so grateful to Justin. Thank you for being my moderator, and until next time. If you haven't left a tip and you want to, this is a good opportunity to do that. Thank you so much for being on tonight. All right.

The Sex Talk Your Mother Never Gave You: Using your Voice

Sep 10, 2018
6:44 pm
Monday, September 10, 2018
6:44 pm

An fan said they wished their mother taught them how to use their voice and stand up for themself with problematic partners.