Orgasm Anarchy

If you’re curious about sex and sexuality, various avenues of pleasure, how to have sexual experiences that aren’t orgasm-focused, how to have and facilitate orgasms, and more, then you’re in the right place. 

In this stream, sex educator Mia Little talks about pleasure, sexual intimacy, masturbation, and orgasm anarchy — “challenging the myth that sex is only a complete experience with an orgasm.”

For most of us, our sex education didn’t include anything about pleasure and orgasms. It did, however, likely include a sex-negative, cis-heteronormative view that sex is only for married people trying to reproduce. And if, god forbid, pleasure does have to enter into it, well, then — that’s for men only. 

After you’re done furiously shaking your head, we can get down to business. Sex and pleasure is for people of any gender, orientation and in any relationship structure where everyone is consenting and physically and emotionally safe. Pleasure is a huge spectrum that takes on many forms: There are different types of orgasms, there’s self pleasure, sensual touch, bodily exploration, kinks and fetishes, the list goes on. 

But let’s start with the orgasm

While everyone has their own definition of the orgasm, Little describes it as a “discharge of accumulated sexual excitement.” We get ideas about how orgasms are supposed to feel and what they look like from the media, porn, friends, etc. But, there’s no one way to orgasm. One of the more damaging messages we receive about the orgasm, however, is that sex is only complete after someone cums — usually the man in a heteronormative context. The idea that every sexual experience must end in orgasm creates pressure that can result in performance anxiety, as well as an orgasm gap where women in cis-hetero pairings don’t orgasm as consistently and frequently as men. 

This brings us to orgasm anarchy, which teaches that sex should be centered on pleasure, not orgasm. “I want y'all to know that you can have this whole, complete experience of intimacy, of connectedness, whether it be with another human being or just with yourself — you can have that without an orgasm,” says Little. “You can also have that with orgasms.” 

To experience pleasure, Little suggests practicing intimacy with yourself, whether that’s practicing mindfulness and meditation, appreciating your body and its form, or giving yourself pleasure through touch. Masturbation is a great way to figure out what brings you pleasure. 

When we are experiencing pleasure, and we are wanting an orgasm, there are certain mind and body practices we can do to bring on the experience. Everybody is different, but being fully relaxed can help activate receptive feelings. Little describes the physiology of how she has penetrative orgasms: “I will start breathing in a very specific way,” she says. “And I'm clenching my pelvic floor and my core to push tension to a specific part of my body.” This can help your body receive pleasure focused in the pelvis. Of course, having a clitoral orgasm, a g-spot orgasm, a prostate orgasm, a penis orgasm, etc., all activate different sensations and parts of the body. Don’t get too focused on the mechanics, however, and try to stay present with the pleasure. 

To facilitate an orgasm for a partner, go slowly and without expectation of orgasm. Again, focus on pleasure. Little suggests first masturbating with a partner to see what brings them pleasure and then to introduce those things into your interpersonal experience. Together, you can develop “a catalog of what works and what doesn’t” through lots of exploration and communication. 

The things that make sex gratifying and pleasurable are different for every person. If we refocus our sexual experiences so they are not centered on the orgasm, we can be more open to a spectrum of pleasure that can ultimately be more fulfilling. So, whether you orgasm all the time, sometimes, or never doesn’t matter so much so long as you are deriving pleasure from the experiences.

Video transcript

So let's get started, y'all. So, I am Mia Little. I'm a pleasure professional at I'm a genderqueer person. My pronouns are they, them, she, her, hers. And I'm also a worker in the adult industry, particularly in the adult film. And I am also a sex worker and QTPOC-race activist, and I'm also an orgasm-haver. That's kind of why I'm here. I'm a very sexual person. I've had lots of sexual experiences, including, but not limited to orgasms and facilitating orgasms. And I wanna talk about pleasure, and it's one of my favorite things to talk about. And I wanna acknowledge that I am speaking from my experience. I'm also acknowledging my privilege. I'm an able-bodied, heteronormative, cis-passing person. I have pretty privilege. I have SES privilege. I have a lot of privileges and I try to acknowledge that and know that that is something that my experience comes from. And I'm primarily speaking about my, or speaking from my experiences and reflections on the sex I have recreationally and the sex I have professionally. Yes. As folks are coming in, I'm gonna remind folks about safer space guidelines. What they'll be is how we can create a space that is comfortable and safe for everyone, and try to follow them to foster that environment. It's not just about me. It's about this collaborative effort in creating this environment. So, in regard to safer space, I would like you all to practice confidentiality. Whatever I say, and I'm giving consent here, whatever I say and share in the livestream, y'all are welcome to share on social media, everywhere, whatever. That is totally usable and shareable. However, stuff that is shared in the chat by other folks that is not explicitly consented to for sharing, don't share that, please. Honor everyone's privacy. That's super essential and really important to me. Don't "yuck" someone's "yum." So, do not shame anyone for their sexual proclivities, or experiences, or lack of experiences. We're not here to create those icky feelings in folks for them just being them and having the experiences that they have. When you speak, try not to speak for other people or an entire group. Use "I" statements. Speak from your experiences, just as I will speak to my experiences. And, if at any point during this livestream, you feel something that doesn't feel super awesome, feel free to assert your boundary. Take space when you need it. Listen to those signals in your body and in your mind saying like, "You know what? "This doesn't sit quite well with me. "Maybe I need to step away and "do something to honor myself in that moment." And, a content warning. We are gonna talk about sex. We're gonna talk about sexual intimacy, and orgasms, and masturbation, and trauma, and misogyny, and rape culture, and other similar themes just so you're aware what this content is about. Yeah, we're gonna talk about a lot of stuff. I'm going through my slides and I hope we have enough time. We should. And, again, I would love for y'all to chime in and share whatever you like, whenever you want, at any point. This time is also yours. So, when I was thinking about Orgasm Anarchy, cause I'm a little bit of a rebel. I love challenging dominant discourses that perpetuate oppression and uphold hierarchies that really other and disadvantaged people. It's like, who's this for? Who is this stream for? I wanted to create a livestream for folks who are curious about sex and sexuality, wherever they are in their sexual journey, in regard to how they identify in their sexuality, or the experiences that they have had in regard to sex and pleasure. I wanted to create this stream for folks who were curious about different avenues of pleasure rather than this just one end goal of an orgasm. I want to explore all the different avenues for pleasure and being present. I want to cater to folks who want more than orgasm-centered sex as being the only model for interpersonal and personal intimacy. So this includes having partnered sex, having a masturbation session by yourself, self-soothing through touch and whatnot. And, also, I wanted to create a stream for folks who have the desire, the shared desire that I have to dismantle the heteronormative standards of sex and toxic manifestations of the patriarchy. There's this one podcast that I listen to and they have this shirt that says, "Toxic masculinity ruins the party." But I think that ties to toxic manifestations of patriarchy, right? This male, cis hetero, male-centered view of the world, and how we orient ourselves to cater to that sort of stuff. I think there's so much more beyond that. And I'm just gonna check in real fast, oopsies, with my moderator. Yeah, and we should get going right about now. Okay. So, I'm gonna show you, when I was brainstorming... Hello! I'm not sure what the lag is. I wanted to show everyone, I tried really, really, hard to make a list of all the things I was overtly taught about orgasms in sex ed, in those classes about puberty that people have in, I think, starting around 5th grade, from my parents, from my culture, from, I think, just like, yeah, from those sources of education. Ready? I'm gonna show you the list. This is the list. It's pretty comprehensive. This is everything I was taught about orgasms from school and family. Isn't it amazing? Look at that! I was taught nothing about orgasms. That was not, at all, in my vocabulary when it came to conceptualizing sex at all. It was not a thing in my upbringing, it was orgasms... You know, when you're, this is me, speaking from my experience, when I was in high school and junior high, we would have mandatory health class. And when there was this unit on sex education, there was, you know how key vocabulary words would be bolded and there'd be a definition, and that was the only thing you read in the text book to pass the quizzes and test? At least, that's what I did. There was no bolded word of orgasm. There was nothing about pleasure at all. It was... Yeah, let me talk about my sex education. So, there was my sex education in school. It was sex negative. It was biology centered. It was heteronormative. It only talked about cisgendered men and women and didn't even use that language. It defaulted "men" and "women," and the assumption was, "cisgender." It was what we would call "abstinence plus." So, they would talk about different forms of contraception and barrier protection, but, really, the messaging was, "Abstinence is the only way to protect yourself, "and you shouldn't have sex "because STIs, STDs are a thing." And it was very much based in scare tactics. "You don't wanna get pregnant!" "You don't wanna get STIs!" "HIV, that's the worst!" And that's the messaging that was really embedded in the sex education that I got in the school setting. Now, at home, I was raised in a very conservative household, and it perpetuated misogyny. Essentially, violence against women was normalized. Rape culture, and gender roles. And what I mean by violence against women, it sort of links to rape culture in that women are victim blamed, that any violence that comes to them is because of something they were doing. It doesn't matter what it was, but it's their fault for bringing the violence against themselves. And rape culture is sort of like the old boys club. It's normal, and it's like, how can, going back to victim blaming, How dare you incite this bestial, violent, sexual yearning in men by just being feminine. Because I was raised as a girl, as a fem, as a woman. I feel like, most accurately, I was raised to be a girl because I was so protected. And, also, that links to the sex education at home being so heteronormative and heavy in gender roles in that men were, I wouldn't say, "encouraged," but it was permissible for them to be sexual, to, perhaps, consume pornography, to have girlfriends, to have sexual partners, to be out there, exploring theirselves in that intimate, sexual way. And, for me, it wasn't talked about, at all. It was just this shameful thing that was hidden, and you could not talk about it. But, the takeaways, from both my conservative upbringing and health class in school was that I was taught that men have orgasms and ejaculations, and that's a big visual thing, like ejaculate, semen, very sterile biological words in school. And I was also taught to be really fearful and shameful about pregnancy, STIs, or any sexual curiosity. The shame of sexual curiosity was reinforced both at home and in health at school, health class. And there's something really, really shameful about pregnancy, especially teenage pregnancies. So, to avoid that, abstinence only! "Abstinence only" is the message that was really, really reinforced. "Celibacy is the only way to protect yourself "from this thing you want to avoid," rather than saying, "Hey! "Sexual urges are natural. "They occur in people. "You may want to have sex with other people, "and it may be pleasurable. "It's connective, it's vulnerable. "These are the possible consequences of this. "These are the possible experiences "that you have that may be positive. "This is what consent looks like. "This is what communication looks like. "This is what "being queer can look like." Cause, again, it was so heteronormative, even then the basic, biological aspects of personhood wasn't discussed. We talked about the reproductive organs, but, when it comes to sex, those aren't just for reproduction. It's for pleasure and intimacy and connectiveness, and so many other enriching things that bring people together, and also bring people to connect with themselves. So, and that's why I'm talking about orgasms today. So, instead, because I refused to... I wouldn't say, "refuse." I was, sexually, very curious, so I found a way to self-educate. And how did I do this? Well, I self-educated through erotic novels and erotic fan fiction, print and video pornography, through television and movies. I remember watching Titanic and seeing Kate Winslet's hand slap that car window, and I was like, "Oh, what's that all about? "Is that sex?" It seems kind of sexy. I like thrashing, grabbing, and slapping things, and this pleasure. I learned about sex through partners, through peers. I had a lot of conversations with like-aged peers at all stages of my life about sex and about anything from crushes to sex acts and trying to figure out, What is this? What's this about? Sex and fucking. What's fucking? What are penises and vaginas all about? And all that. And I learned about myself and pleasure through masturbation. And I think masturbation started out as self-soothing, and it was a pleasurable thing. And then there was this long gap until I discovered erotic novels that tell language, these acts and touching and parts that I had in my body and wanted to experience. And I learned so much about sex by being a sex worker. So, I work in adult film. I found that, in this industry, I had very controlled environments where I could explore my sexuality and pleasure and my body, and feel safe and comfortable. So, through my self-education, I learned a lot about orgasms. I learned about having more than one type of orgasm. I learned about self-pleasure. Having the power to give myself these sensations and not have to rely on anyone else. Because I knew, from my own bodily self-exploration, I did not need an external person to provide me with these sensations. So, that collection of feelings from touch I built up long before I had an interpersonal intimate experience. Self-soothing. How does pleasure and masturbation and sex function in my life amid all these stresses? I learned, and this is funny, I learned about queer, wizard, and witch sex from a lot of Harry Potter fan fiction. So I really learned about queer models of sex through reading of fan fiction, of all things, particularly Harry Potter stuff, because that is a big part of me, too, Harry Potter. I learned a lot about consent. I learned everything I really know about consent through the self-education, particularly in the adult film work that I do. Because, before we even start a scene, we have conversations. We know our expectations, what we're gonna do. We talk overtly about, "What do you like? "What do you don't like? "What's okay? What's not okay? "What's the signal for me to go slowly "or more slowly or stop?" Things like that. I also learned about sexual violence through my own lived experiences, and I'll get into that a little bit. I also learned about kink. I learned a lot about BDSM through the work that I do. So, also, folks tuning in, please introduce yourselves in the chat. I would love to say, "Hello." I see that some of you are in here, so don't be shy. Again, you can opt in at any time. Oh, my goodness! I am sweating! Feel free to chime in. And, again, if you have any questions, comments, or concerns, this is your time, too. So, feel free to use that chat box however you wish. Okay. I actually want y'all to interact cause I have a question for you. What is an orgasm? I think folks are tuning in because Orgasm Anarchy probably piqued your curiosity. We're gonna talk a lot about orgasms. But how would y'all define an orgasm? I'm gonna give you a minute or so to collect and think about it. All right? And I know that there's a lag. Hi, Baba! Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Since there's a lag, I'm gonna give this pause in my space-time, like a minute or two, and then I'll continue the conversation. But, at any time, as the ideas come in, I'm like, "What is an orgasm even?" Feel free to chime in. Yeah. I'm gonna drink some coffee cause I need some caffeine real fast. I hope y'all are having a good day. I hope, in the future, on, we can have some screen shares, cause I have a really cool presentation for that. Okay, hi, Trin! Okay. How do you conceptualize it? Even if you have never, personally, experienced an orgasm, do you have an idea how to describe it to someone? How do you even think about that? How do you conceptualize an orgasm? If you have these examples from media, or anything that you consume that speaks to orgasm, or shows orgasm, or models orgasm, think about that. Where does that come from? So, for me, when I think about an orgasm, I think about this discharge of accumulated sexual excitement. So it's sort of like a building up of pressure and it's this release of it, this release. And that release doesn't look uniform every time. In fact, for me, no two orgasms are ever gonna be the same, because where I am, in my time-space, and how I'm feeling in my body is gonna be different every single time. And, when I think of orgasms, it's more than just, I feel like it's so difficult to explain because it's so unique to everyone. "Similar to sneezing," interesting! Yeah, a sneeze is a release, it's a physical release. So I think of orgasms, I think of tension and then release. I think of twitching, euphoria. I think of closeness. I think of moaning, the actual, outside, looking in manifestations of an orgasm and pleasure. I think of freedom and lip biting and hand sex. I think of hand sex cause I like having orgasms from hand stimulation. I think of the feeling of peace, of calmness, of soothing, of being present. I feel like it's an escape. I feel like, in general, sex is an escape. And, for me, there's certain issues with orgasms and the expectations that really exist around that, thinking how we conceptualize it, and how it fits into the dominant idea of how sex should be exchanged, how it should look. And I think about the orgasm gap. The orgasm gap, the idea that fems and women just don't have as many orgasms with their partners than, and, again, this is a very heteronormative look. The orgasm gap, I feel like is in a heteronormative dynamic. The fems and women in that relation don't orgasm as consistently as their male partners. Orgasm fixation. Thinking and concentrating so much on orgasm that, sometimes, that it becomes a barrier. Inability to orgasm. So not feeling like you don't have that ability or capability to have that feeling. Performative orgasms, which is something that I am definitely guilty as an adult film performer. I'll be shooting and performing a scene and the director will be like, "And now, cum, "justgo." And, I'm like, "Okay, I guess that's "my responsibility to perform," so I perform that sort of experience and feeling. And, sometimes, they're real and, sometimes, they're not. Fake orgasms, similar to performative orgasms, but I feel like the orgasms in my experience of having that term thrown around is specific to, again, a very heteronormative type of exchange. Reproductive management. Like, what do we do when there is someone with a penis ejaculating? How do you manage that? What do you do? Orgasm denial, which, for me, is a type of kink, a control. And orgasm expectation. The expectation that this is an experience I am going to have in this social transaction, in this social exchange of sexual intimacy. And I want to, my main goal of Orgasm Anarchy is to challenge the myths that sex is only a complete experience with an orgasm. I want y'all to know that you can have this whole, complete experience of intimacy, of connectedness, whether it be with another human being or just with yourself, you can have that without an orgasm. You can also have that with orgasms. That's awesome. But it's still awesome to just have a sexual experience. That's greatly pleasurable. That's greatly present. That fills your body with sensations. And the fact is, I want y'all to also be gentle with yourselves. Every body is different. Every individual is different. Who you are and what your body is, right now, in this space-time, is different than what it will be and what it has been. So know that you're constantly changing. There's so many different variables at work all the time that's influencing how you are present in the space-time you're in, happening. And, also, because I constantly am trying to challenge the heteronormative model of sexual intimacy, which focuses on, that ends the narrative of "sex ends with the male ejaculation "with or without the other partner having an orgasm." And I wanna challenge that. I want y'all to know that sex goes beyond the pursuit of orgasms and beyond the heteronormative model of sexual intimacy. There's so much more. So, when I was listing those ways of describing orgasms as the shivering, the twitching, the freedom, the soothing, the moaning, the escape, the closeness, those things relate to orgasms absolutely. But they all also relate to pleasure. Okay? Those tingles, and everyone experiences and describes pleasure very differently, like this tingle, that warmth, that soothing, that excitement, that tension that feels good, all these things can relate to pleasure and not just orgasms. I have good reason, trust me. I have good reason to challenge the heteronormative stance of orgasms. When I had originally presented this presentation, this class on Orgasm Anarchy, I felt really... I identified just as a woman. Now that I'm a genderqueer person, I'm more and more feeling the need to challenge binaries, to challenge dichotomies, the heteronormativity because, just as I am, in my gender and my sexuality, having and knowing I have the freedom to have limitless expressions of self and also of pleasure is essential to my being. I challenge the heteronormative concept of orgasm because sex is not limited to binary attractions. Penis and vagina sex is not the only way to have sex. You can define sex. You can define sex. You can define intimacy. You can choose what that means to you, and it doesn't always mean penetration in a front hole, or penetration at all. And, also, the sexual experience is not limited to genitals. I notice this in pornography, that there's such a fixation on genitals. Like you gotta have x amount of minutes just looking at genitals, like close up. And I see how that ripples out into the culture, into how people conceptualize sex and conceptualize pleasure. But the sexual experience is not just limited to genitals. And it's also not just limited to touch. It's, for me, it's about experience. What's going on in your mind-body? What's going on, I would even say, in your spirit? If you feel spiritual. Okay, "For orgasm, I believe you "have to be mentally prepared." So, Baba, can you expand on that a little bit? Would you mean? Do you have to... Yeah, I want you to say in your own words before I jump off on that and project my own interpretation of that. I wanna know more about what you mean. And another reason why I want to challenge the heteronormativity of how orgasms are conceptualized is because people are just not binary. The binary is so limiting and invalidating of so many different identities and ways of being that it's time. It's time that we challenge that narrative of the heteronormativity. And, also, heteronormativity, the patriarchy, as it relates to the patriarchy, definitely perpetuates harmful power dynamics. When I think of the heteronormative model of sex, I think of the expectation of women being really passive or just enduring it. And this is on the extreme. And, also, how there's entitlement and not clear consent and whatnot. Yeah! Thanks, Ayana, I really appreciate that. Okay. Also, I wanna challenge that sex can be sex without orgasms. And there's nothing at all wrong or broken or less-than about someone if they can't orgasm. We all just are being ourselves. We can't not be that, so be gentle with yourself if you can't have an orgasm. It doesn't define you as a sexual creature or a person if you can't have that experience. For sex to be sex, you get to define that meaning. For pleasure to be pleasure, you get to define that meaning. And also attribute value to those things. You can decide these things. And, I do want you to have orgasms if you can, if you want. I support your goal of having that desire, absolutely. But, more importantly, I want you to appreciate the range of pleasurable experiences not limited by orgasm fixation. I'll get into that a little bit more. So, I want you to start with yourself. Because I say this in, I think, every single class that I teach, you're longest, most enduring relationship in regard to intimacy is with yourself. You inhabit your body. Your body is yours. The things and experiences you can give your body, you have that power to build that collection of experiences, of sensations, of pleasures, of even your spank bank. You have control over that, so start with yourself. I want you to give yourself opportunities to explore without the pressure of an end destination. So orgasm fixation really speaks to being so caught up on the end goal, this thing to achieve. Orgasm achievement. It's achievement or not, things like that. But, sometimes, looking so determined and so intently on something that is far off can prevent you from just being in the moment. Being with yourself. And Baba, I have not forgotten, please expand. Please expand on what you mean on "For orgasm, I believe you have to be mentally prepared." But I will speak to that. I'll come back to it if you don't wanna expand on that, too. I want to give yourself permission to learn about your body, its sensations, and its potential. I want you to be curious. I want you to be open-minded and open-hearted about what your body can feel, what your body can do for you. I also want you to pay attention to what distracts you, what blocks you, what inhibits you from being present with pleasure. Because, when you can identify the barriers that exist for you to being in your body, even if it's feeling like, "Oh, I'm silly," or feeling like you can't take yourself seriously as a sexual person, so that is a barrier. Learn about that. Where does that come from? When are times that you didn't feel that way? When were times you were able to put that away and just be with your pleasure? And, also, when it comes to sex, when it comes to orgasms or self-soothing and masturbation and touching, you can stop at any time and start again. Sometimes, I'm gonna talk about my masturbation habits. I want to, I want to do a list. I have a habit tracker. I want to give myself an orgasm. So I do a lot of adult film work. I also like web pm. So I'm, oftentimes, my orgasms, they're real, they're authentic, but they are, in the context of work. So, for me, it's really, really important for me to balance orgasms I have when I'm doing labor and orgasms I have when I'm self-caring and just loving on myself. And sometimes I find I will start masturbating or using a toy or something, and I really enjoy the pleasure of it, and then there will be a point where I'll be like, "You know what? "That's enough. "Yeah, that's enough." Oh, yes! Okay, Baba. Okay, thank you for coming back to me. Baba, going back, connecting, let's connect the two ideas. So, "I believe you have to be "mentally prepared for an orgasm." "You have to be fully relaxed to activate "your feelings, be mind-receptive." Yes! I feel like, sometimes, and this is how I think about it, like, in my body, when I'm, sometimes I find, when I'm masturbating, and this is the physiology of how I orgasm, I will start breathing a very specific way. And I'm clenching my pelvic floor and my core to push tension to a specific part of my body. And then I catch myself. I catch myself putting more attention to that effort, this clenching of and unclenching of my, an internal fist, so to speak that I'm not really, I'm so concentrated on that, that I'm not opening my mind enough and relaxing enough to let the sensations that that sort of controlled contraction is going over my body. So, my body could be really receiving a lot of pleasure, but I'm so focused on clenching, unclenching, clenching, uncleching, holding my breath, breathing, breathing a certain way, flexing my legs, all these little things that I'm trying to do to get an orgasm, rather than just letting these feelings roll over my body. Yes. Oh, yes. So, it can trigger just touching the lips of your partner. Yes. Yes, exactly! So, part of that is driving blood toward my pelvis so it becomes engorged so my front hole, my pussy, I refer to it as my pussy, becomes really engorged and I'm more so, since I've been having orgasms forever and then performing them for work, putting specific tensions on parts of my pelvic floor. So, I will clench. A muscle in my pelvic floor will be really swollen and taut, and I cum from penetration as well as clitoral stimulation, but, when I'm talking about the clenching, it's more so creating an environment for a penetrative orgasm. I'll be clenching in my pelvic floor, real tight, and I'll be really firm so whatever is penetrating hits that spot and it's more intense. But there's this balance, right? There's this balance between fixating so much on making the mechanics of my orgasm happen versus letting those mechanics happen naturally, without this internalized pressure, and being present with all the steps leading up to that release. How do I relax? A good way to start is breathing. Okay? Okay, let's do this. Can we, let's try to relax. Outside of the context of sex, let's try to relax. So, I want you... Two things. We're gonna take two breaths. For the first breath, I want you to imagine sucking in all the tensions and stresses you have, deep in your belly. And, when you breathe out, propelling them. So, releasing them. So, we'll do that again. So, inhale and internalize all the stuff you want to shake off. And thenbreathe that out. So, that, outside of the sexual context, is a way you can breathe and center and be present. And, for me, when I'm having sex or masturbating, breathing slower, because, when I do that deliberate tension, hunting, hunting, hunting for orgasms, I change my breathing. It's more tense. It's more controlled, rather than just consistently breathing like I'm running. Okay, I'm gonna read some of the chat. Okay. Okay, so, H. Hab, in regard to relaxing to have a partner give you an orgasm, I want to clarify. People, in how I try to conceptualize it, yes, people can be great facilitators of orgasms and "give" orgasms, but it is really about the person's body, right? The person's body is gonna have these experiences, and these feelings, and, potentially, these orgasms, so when folks get really butthurt, or frustrated that they can't give someone orgasms, that kind of reinforces a lot of the dominant discourse about orgasms and the expectations around that. So that can be a bit damaging because it sets this expectation and this pressure and this tension. So, my advice for you is to go slowly. Try not to internalize pressure, and, for you, if the end goal, if you really want to have an orgasm, take your time. You may not get it the first time, the second time, or the third time. Just relax and breathe into it, and be okay if things don't look and fit the narrative that you anticipate. Because it's hard to predict, exactly, every little part of a sexual exchange. So breathing is really helpful. And when it comes to letting go of self-control, have you, and this is my advice, this is super, super intimate, but I really like, I really like masturbating with a partner, masturbating in front of a partner. If you are able to have an orgasm by yourself and give yourself an orgasm, sharing that experience together, but not necessarily by an intimate transaction, can be really, really helpful in teaching and modeling for a partner what touch and stimulation looks like to give that. And, also, it helps you relax and practice bringing down those walls, those barriers that we have with partners, and then slowly transitioning that practice of taking those walls down, those barriers down, when you're having an interpersonal interaction. Okay, I'm gonna read some more of the chat. Okay. "I heard people have orgasm when you're," oh! I suppose. I'm not gonna yuck someone's yum. I don't know what everyone's experiences are. I can feel immense pleasure when something, or a group or a team or something I want to succeed, succeeds, but I would not compare that to an orgasm as I conceptualize that. Yes! Absolutely! I think that's an absolutely valid definition of orgasms. "I look for an orgasm as a culmination of "series of touching pressure points, "the pressure points are mental or physical." And I'd like to explore that a bit more in regard to pressure. The way I think of orgasms, I think about them a lot, all the time, is sort of like shaking a soda can. Where there's this agitation. There's this movement. There's this frenetic energy in this small space, in this small space, and it's building up, and building and building up, until there's so much energy shaken up in there that it's gonna phew! It's gonna open. Yeah! And it's okay... Okay, let's clarify something real fast. You don't have to be naked to have sex. When I touch briefly on hand sex, hand stimulation doesn't have to be directly on the genitals. It can be through underwear. It can be through panties. It can be through boxers. It can be through pants. It can be through skirts and dresses and whatever clothing. It can be through blankets and sheets. And I like hand sex a lot because you can play with layers, because, sometimes, I'm just too sensitive, I'm too clitorally sensitive that being touched directly is uncomfortable and it makes me recoil. So I actually really like, so I don't get overwhelmed, being touched through layers of clothing or fabric. And that's okay, too. It's doesn't always have to be about genitals, too. Yes. Okay. Cool. Okay, hold on, two things. "I have only ever two orgasms. "I feel like I can only get an orgasm through penetration." So, E. Chab., can you clarify? Do you mean... Yeah, please clarify that. I'm not sure if you mean you can only get an orgasm through penetration, or through a vibrator. And, also, when it comes to queering sex and challenging heteronormative models of sex, why not combine toys? Toys with interpersonal touch is like, "Mwah!" to me. I love it. I love it. I love combining human touch, partnered touch, with toys. Especially teaching partners how to use toys on me, because the toys, for me, is something very familiar. It's something that I have a certain, specific expectation cause that is the same, every single time. The hum of my Hitachi is gonna be consistent because it's the same toy. It's a device, same every time. But, if someone else is using it, they can take the device, and now there's this new layer of unchartered territory, so to speak. What's this? Oh, yes! So, this is how I think about orgasms. And I'll get into this more in my Did I Cum? class tomorrow, but every orgasm for me is different. Because the spasms that happen, even though they're very similar in the parts that are contracting, and releasing, contracting, releasing, even though those may be very similar when you are experiencing pleasure and you're experiencing orgasm, the situation, who you are, what you're going through, what you're feeling, is gonna be different every time. But I do think that there is an explicit difference, for me, when my orgasm is built around centering my clit, clitoral stimulation versus penetration, because a different part of my clitoris is being stimulated. Different things are contributing to this ramp up of pleasure, depending on what's being stimulated. Yeah, and absolutely, it differs from person to person. It differs between your anatomy and your person, and, again, day-to-day where you're at. Absolutely. Yeah. And, also, for folks who have penises, there it is possible to have orgasms separate from ejaculation. So, do some research. I think Sexplanations has an amazing... If you look up, I think, Lindsey Doe on Sexplanations on YouTube, she's an amazing resource. She talks about ejaculation and orgasms and whatnot. I think she's fantastic. So, yeah, look into that. Okay. Oh! Oh, okay! And, that's the thing. It can just feel good. You know? You can just be, you can sit with that pleasure. And, also... Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Well, the stimulation is very different, right? If you're being stimulated with A and B, it's gonna feel different when you get B and C, right? So, for me, having someone go down on me, perform oral sex on my clitoris, doesn't really lead to an orgasm. It feels very pleasurable. It feels amazing. I feel so loved. I feel so cared for. I feel so good. I feel pleasured. I get twitchy and writhey and it feels really fantastic, but I know that I don't really orgasm from oral sex. But that's not to say that it's not pleasurable. And that pleasure even feels very different from the pleasures that I get from penetrative stimulation. I can't deci... I can't categorize what is better for you. I feel like a key part to examining orgasms is taking inventory and collecting data. Be the explorer of your own body. Okay, let's see. What's this? I'm gonna read this. "Watching porn can make you receptive to sex. "For some, it'll repel watching other perform." BugBar, are you saying contextually, like with a partner, watching sex, watching porn together? Or watching it for yourself? Because I think in just regard to any sexual stimuli, people will receive it differently, depending on their collected experiences, and how they view that sort of stuff. So I think everyone will have a different reaction to pornography. So, I wanna share in our brief time left, we have about 15 minutes left, so I wanna share my personal dream of an orgasm. So, for clarification, in regard to my body, I have a front hole, I have a pussy, it's a vagina. Thank you, everyone. So I am able to orgasm, but sometimes don't want to with partners in certain situations, because of a past trauma-types of orgasms, orgasms can surface. I'm a survivor of sexual violence. It takes a long time for me to reclaim certain, specific sensations or certain, specific orgasms because they're so linked to my trauma. And, at times, in that process of reclamation, or that process of healing, I feel myself getting close to that sort of experience of orgasm, and I actually don't wanna experience it, because it's so connected to those things. So, everyone has a different relationships to the sensations they can have in their body and, when sensations are linked to trauma, sometimes it does require reclamation of that sensation for it to feel pleasurable again and not actually be a trigger. Sometimes, when I am having sex, sexual intimacy with people, I do find that the over-fixation on having an orgasm can totally distract from the sex, can totally distract from being present. And, also, there have been periods in my life where I've lost the, no, I wouldn't say "lost." I guess so, where I've kind of lost touch with orgasms and just didn't orgasm. I experienced pleasure. I've had sex, it was really good. But I just, I just didn't orgasm. It wasn't... I think, I was okay with that. I'm reflecting back on that part, it was in college. I was kind of okay with that. I was okay with just being present in my pleasure and letting my body be. There were definitely certain frustrating points where I'm just like, "I feel like I should be wanting more." But it didn't really distract from this really connected experience I would have with people. And, honestly, so I also have ovaries. My hormonal cycle can definitely get in the way of me even accessing pleasure, because, sometimes, I will have such debilitating muscle spasms and pain, in the middle of penetrative sex particularly, that I don't orgasm or certain orgasms can trigger that sort of cramping. So I have to be mindful of that. I've been able to manage that sort of pelvic floor pain with the NuvaRing to manage my period and my hormones. But there definitely have been periods in my life where during my period and around my period, leading up to it, orgasms are really associated with really painful muscle spasms and pain. Yeah, so, I want you to begin developing a healthy sexual relationship with your body. We're so often thinking about sexual relationships being with other folks. So I really want you to reconsider, What does having a healthy sexual relationship with you look like? Do you need to feel sexy in your own skin? Do you need to set the mood for yourself? Do you need to, perhaps, invest in a toy or explore a sexual stimuli like pornography or literotica, or phone sex lines? All these different things to ignite and set the mood for yourself. I want you to unlock your pleasure yourself. Going solo, going by yourself, touching yourselves can totally remove social expectation, cause you're just with you. You can control that. You can release these social expectations and pressures that can come with having interpersonal sex. You can absolutely set the pace. You get to choose your visual and tactile and sexual stimulation. And, also, you have the opportunity to really get in your own head, analyze and assess your physical, emotional, and psychological journey of pleasure. And y'all can also develop a catalog of what works and what doesn't. When you're by yourself, taking time to yourself to touch your body, experience your body, see what you like, what you don't like, you can really figure out, without having another person there, and be like, "You know what? "I don't think this works for me." And you can change it up on the dime. Rather, I do encourage y'all, if you have sexual partners who you're down to explore with, you can totally do these things, too, but I feel like, I find that, when you're with a partner, you have to come to these realizations and also, now, externalize and communicate that, which can be somewhat difficult and can be a barrier in itself. So going to explore yourself, by yourself, kind of removes that pressure to communicate. And I want you to reframe climax-centered sex to pleasure-centered sex. So, I really like the metaphor of going for a hike. I live in southern California. I can't help myself, I love hiking. I'm one of those people. And I think of sex and orgasms as the summit, the tippy-top-top of the mountain. And, sometimes, I get so fixated on getting there and the strenuous output of getting to the top of the mountain that I forget the details and scenery. What I want to do, rather than just focus on the orgasm, the summit, the top of the mountain, I want to enjoy every aspect of the hike. I wanna take in the scenery. I wanna take in the cute, little caterpillars that I see, how the flowers sway in the wind, and these little things in the present moment on the way up. I wanna take in the breathtaking views at every juncture. If I have to stop, collect myself, catch my breath, I can look around and appreciate how far I've gotten, and the things all around me, and the things I'm experiencing. I want to be present with the things that are pleasantly unexpected, the new sensations I'm taking in. I want to give myself permission to take breaks, cause, sometimes, during sex, it'd be really nice to have a glass of water. Or, for me, my dog will need to go to the bathroom. I've definitely had sex where I've had to stop three times to take care of my animal. But, as things come up, or there are cues in your body that indicate that you need a little break, so it's okay to take a break. The mountain is still gonna be there. The top of the mountain is not going anywhere. And it's not about getting to the top. Sometimes, it's about exploring a familiar path or a familiar experience, the sensations in your body. Sometimes, it's about checking out new territory. What's this all about? I've never experienced this before. Let's find out more. There's so much more to take in than just the top of the mountain. There's so much of value to all the experiences, all along the hike. And sometimes you might find, you just don't have the energy or the bandwidth or whatever to get to the top of the mountain, but that doesn't mean that that experience, that journey, that hike, isn't precious, doesn't have value. It has great value because you've lived through it, you experienced it, you're present with it. You got to experience all these things and be appreciative of it. And know when to let go of the social expectation and shame, sexual shame that's everywhere, sex negativity. Every body and every individual's cumulative experience with sex is unique. We all carry different traumas, different memories. And different experiences are processed differently and can affect how we interact with sex and sexuality, and that's okay. Who you are in this time-space is gonna be different, and has been different, from the you in all the different time-spaces that have been and have yet to be. It's totally okay. And sex doesn't always have to be a symmetrical experience. Sexual partners can have incongruous sex drives, needs, wants, and desires, so just ask yourself, "How do you define gratification in a sexual experience?" And it's different for everybody. And I want you to really think about that. What makes sex gratifying? What makes it complete? For me, I made a list. I made a list. For me to have gratifying sex, I want connectivity, I want vulnerability, I want pleasure, I want care. Those are the four things that make up gratifying sex for me. And some of those things may be the same for you, but I want you to think, "What is it that makes "a sexual experience gratifying?" Yeah, of course. Thank you, so much. I'm glad that you can be here. I really appreciate that. And I want y'all to be an advocate for your own pleasure. Spend some time self-loving, self-caring, self-pleasuring. Get to know what works, what doesn't. And, also, communicate. Practice saying, "That feels good. "I really like it when... "Less this, more that. "Like that. "Can we change this?" Because the more you can externalize these internal things you wanna share with a partner during partnered sex, the more you can course correct toward pleasurable sexual experiences with others. So, we have about two minutes. I wanna give some time for y'all to ask questions. Feel free to give feedback. If you feel like tributing, you can do that, too. I'd really like that, but no pressure. And, again, if you can't, or haven't had an orgasm, remember, you're not broken. You're not undesirable. You're not less-than. You have so many opportunities to just explore different flavors and depths of pleasurable intimacy. There's so many ways to experience yourself, not just orgasm. Be kind to yourself and invest in your pleasure. Be present with your pleasure, so check in, buy in. Commit to this experience. Reflect, repeat, and explore more. So, thank you, everybody, so much for being here. I hope this was insightful and helpful and valuable to y'all. I will be back tomorrow in the afternoon, I believe like around 3 p.m., Pacific Standard Time. Check my social media. There are links. The link's in the chat. So you can follow me on Instagram @lovemsmia_. You can email me at MiaLiTheEntertainer@gmail. Yeah. I am not really on Twitter. Just me being totally honest with y'all, I don't really use it. I'm also shadow banned, because, you know, Twitter isn't exactly, or social media isn't exactly the friendliest to sex workers. Yeah, so thank you, everyone, for being here. Feel free to dm me or ping me wherever you can find me, and I'll do my best to get back to you on that. And, also, if you have suggestions as to, or quests for topics, tag me, tag me on Instragram. Tell me, give me a shout out, tell me what you want, and I'll do my best to deliver as long as it's within my ability and competency. I would love to really honor those needs. Yeah. Thank you, everybody. I hope y'all have a good day. Ayana, can you let me know, when I finish the sentence, so I can officially sign off and end my livestream. Thank you, everyone.

Orgasm Anarchy

Jul 21, 2018
2:00 pm
Saturday, July 21, 2018
2:00 pm

Whether you wish you knew how to have an orgasm, wish your orgasms were better, or just wish every sex education talk would stop focusing solely on how to orgasm, this talk will change how you think about the big O.