ON-DEMAND

Long Term Effects of Your Bad Sex Ed

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Streamed
Wednesday, September 12, 2018

O.school has been collecting stories about the long-term effects of bad sex ed. Andrea Barrica and Christina Cerqueira will share some of those stories in addition to personal experiences, and offer strategies for continuing to learn about and empower our bodies. Less than half of states in the U.S. require public schools to provide medically-accurate sex education. And, for the lucky few who received a formal sex education, it more than likely ended when high school did. Submit a story to submit@o.school

Video transcript

Hello if you're joining us. We are going to have a great and fun livestream today. We're just starting a little early. Awesome, so today we're gonna be talking about the longterm effects of bad sex ed, so basically most sex ed. Most sex ed, right? - Yeah. Most, either formal or informal. So like, what you got from your school, your parents, your church, but then also media, friends, magazines. - Sunday school. - Porn. Yeah, there's just like a lot of bad information out there, so we're trying to help people realize what they may have learned that was really problematic. - This really came about because since Christina's joined O.school, we've been collecting a lot of stories, and today we're gonna be hearing some of them, and hopefully, hearing some of everyone's experiences here. If you're joining us, say hello. We're really excited to dive into this, and we'll be starting right at four p.m. Pacific. We're gonna let people trickle in, so hello people who are joining. We're in HOVO, our O.school headquarters in Oakland, California. - Yeah, while you are, while we're waiting, we've got some questions. If you guys feel so inclined to join the chat, we wanna hear some stories from you guys. We're hoping to be able to read some of them in the chat space. So if you have any things that you felt like you learned in sex ed, either formally or informally, that you learned about sex that you had to unlearn, we wanna hear that. We also wanna hear if you have any really epic stories about your sex ed, like a really weird teacher, or like a really outrageous metaphor, you know, like somebody trying to use ones for sex. Yeah, share your stories about sex ed and also something that you had to unlearn. - I've had to unlearn more things than I've had to learn. I know that for me personally, if I had had literally no sex ed at all, it would've been better than the sex ed I received. And sadly through I think the experiences that we've heard from people submitting stories to O.school, I am not alone. A lot of people are having these. And so, I hope y'all have some stories to share, and we're gonna have a really good time. So, let's see if it's time to, it's time to get started, so why don't we just gonna do some introductions to start, and then, if people come join in, go ahead and introduce yourselves if you want to say hello. And if you just wanna hang out and hear the stories, you're welcome to. - Yay. - So, my name is Andrea, I am the founder of O.school. And sex ed I received was mostly not to have any sex at all until I got married, and I was kind of, you know, born into a Filipino Catholic family, went to Catholic school for a couple years. Then went to public school where I had a lot of shame-based, fear-based public school sex ed. At the same time, I was going to Sunday school and religious school where I learned a lot about virginity and various things, so that's my background. - Cool. I'm Christina Cerqueira, the Director of Digital Media here at O.school. I just joined about a month and a half ago. I'm super excited to be here. Joining from AJ+ at my last job. And my sex ed was, so, my mom signed me out of sex ed because she heard that it was dangerous or bad. She'd probably heard this from talk radio. I know she listened to Rush Limbaugh, Laura Schlessinger. And so I did learn how to forge her signature, so I signed myself in to like a few classes. Or I just like didn't have her sign the consent form or whatever, so I did go to a few, but I really just had like major gaps in my education. And then my mom was really restrictive about sex. Like I saw her react to my siblings when they said they had sex, and it was not good. Like lots of yelling and like anger. And I brought it up to my mom once. I was like, "Mom, why didn't you ever teach us sex ed?" She's like, "Well, I did tell your brother and your sister, "and they were so scared they never wanted to have sex." You've got five children, and that's like two of them, and that sounds like a horrible sex ed, mom. Like I'm so glad you didn't reach me. I'm so glad you just stopped after number two. And then I also got some sex ed at church, which was like fairly positive for church sex ed. It was like sex is amazing, it's so great, but it's for marriage. You're not gonna be a slut if you have it, but it's, God wants it for marriage. And I did sign an abstinence pledge, which I probably have somewhere in a box. - You must find this pledge of abstinence. - Sorry, God. I didn't keep it. - We should get people to send in their abstinence pledges. - Oh my god, yeah. If any of you guys in the audience have an abstinence pledge, like, send it in to us. - We should start another type of pledge, where-- - Yeah! - Yeah, like a masturbation pledge. A pleasure pledge. - Oh, my god. - Ideating, we're ideating here, everyone. - Like T-shirts that say like Fuck My Abstinence Pledge. - Or just like, you know, like, in addition to your abstinence pledge, your pleasure pledge, right? Like we need to start that. So, this is so fun. Thank you for everyone who's joining in. We're gonna talk about bad sex ed. So let's talk a little bit about the state of sex ed today. So, what people, a lot of people don't realize is that there is less sex ed happening in the United States, and this is gonna be a little bit of a United States-focused stream today, but if you have stories from other places in the world, we totally wanna hear about it. But in the United States today, there's less sex ed happening than in the last three decades, really. And back in the '80s, over 70% of schools offered something at least about birth control and anatomy. And now, fewer than 50% of schools in the United States are offering any. Only 20 states are requiring medically accurate sex ed. And of the sex ed that's happening, a large portion of it, $2 billion's worth of abstinence-only education is what's being offered. And so, that is really important to understand because what we've seen is that the people who are against sex education and against consent education have really won. We've really seen the amount of sex ed decrease a lot. And just recently, the current administration ended the $200 million Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program that the Obama administration did put in place. And this is at a time when teens, teen birth rates were at an all time low. So, I know that we at O.school are really upset about this change, and that there's less and less sex education happening in the United States, right? And so, I think that both of us experienced a lot of like, religious sex ed, but a lot of people that I've been meeting on our college tour and just in general never had it. And so there are places in the United States where people are just, like they're not getting exposure to sex ed at all. Livalu, thank you for joining us. - Hi. - Pleasure pledge, you're onboard on that, yeah! Pleasure pledge! Livalu, tell us how your sex ed was. We'd love to hear your stories. We are gonna talk about some little stories we received, but I just wanted to give a little synopsis that we're in a crisis of sex education in the United States today. It is not happening nearly enough. - So I can talk a little bit about some of the stories that we've received 'cause we've been asking people about their sex education in person, on social media. And we put a post out on Facebook, and the last 50 comments, 19 people said they never had sex ed. That's 38%, I know it's not like a national average or anything, but it's indicative of like, the fact that a lot of people just didn't even get it. Or I didn't even count in that list the ones that were like, we watched a video and that was it. Or there was like a one hour discussion, which like, I don't even know if that counts. But some of the stories that we got, one person said, "I got pregnant when I was 16, "so you tell me." Yeah, another woman said she didn't know what her placenta was until after she was pregnant. Another woman, "I had a baby at 19." There's a lot of teen pregnancies. So, if that's like the one goal that like, even the most conservative sort of like, sex education programs have, like they're still-- - Right, and just so you know, abstinence-only programs have been proven not to positively affect preventing teen pregnancy or STI spreading. It is like proven that the best way to do that is a comprehensive sex education. Yet states continue not to offer it, which is a conundrum. Eva, hey! - Hi, Eva. - So good to see you, Eva. Thanks for joining. - Also, one other thing to add is that if you don't wanna have sex, if you are planning on waiting to have sex, like that's great. - Sure. - And we wanna make sure we're really clear that like that is your choice and we support it, but abstinence-only education, which is like limiting people from information that is I would say like a human right to have information about that is a problem. - And one thing is that many of these programs that are abstinence-only are not required to be medically accurate. And that is a very different thing. I am all for, you know, adding abstinence as one of the options that there are for people when they're choosing what sexual journey is right for them or what sexual potential they wanna reach. However, when people are getting just purely incorrect information about it, then that's really adding to the problem we're trying to prevent. Livalu has as already sharing, "It was horrible, mostly focused on abstinence "and all the bad things that would happen, "AKA sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, death." It's like that Mean Girls scene, right? I think when we ask what your sex ed was like on Facebook, like 20 people share the Mean Girls GIF of the gym teacher being like "Don't have sex "or you'll get pregnant and die." - You will die. - It's like so much of our sex ed was like, trying to scare us away from ever like wanting to have sex. Like did you get the Miracle of Life video? - Yeah, oh yeah. - Like, here's a live birth. Sex ed is about watching a live birth. - Which is also sad because like it's, it's like not done in context of like beautiful life birth. I feel like it's sort of like scary, like the pain and the blood. - Well, you only see, like you see like, you know, it's like, it's like, you know, I think it's even, at least in my health class, which I was taught by a Mormon science teacher. Like let's talk about how so many people that are giving us our sex education experiences aren't trained sex educators. They're just whoever caught the short end of the stick in your school who's gonna teach sex ed. Sometimes it's the health teacher, sometimes there's people brought in. But I was taught by someone who was clearly pretty uncomfortable with the whole subject of sex, and so, for a lot of people, sex ed is like, hey this is what happens, you have a baby or there's STIs. So like you said, Livalu, super shame-based. Shame and fear. - Yeah, if you guys are just joining us, we're talking about the longterm effects of your bad sex ed. So, if you wanna share your experience in the chat space, we would love to read your experience out loud. - LC! It's so good to see you again! Yes, scaring people away from potential pleasure. And like, why is that, right? It's 2018, what if we admitted to young people that sex, having sex, isn't just for having babies. It's to feel good. What if we admitted to people that, you know, sex feels really good? And I think that's so much of that. And LC, I know you're, we're having some international perspectives, so please, please share any experiences. I know that you've shared before that you're in Canada, and I know there was some recent Canadian news about how some curriculums are going back, like they're going backwards. - Ontario, they're going back. - Ontario is going back to a 1998 curriculum. So, please share. We'd love more perspectives, but what else? What else have you been told? - Okay, here's some other stories. "We learned every STD will kill a woman, "but only lay dormant in a man." Just medically inaccurate. - They're like volcanoes. - Men are not STD volcanoes. "The first time I talked back to a teacher was in sex ed "when he tried to teach us that female vagina sizes "were based on the size of the man's penis "that she slept with." Aww, also, not true. I think the average vagina size is five inches, right? - Mm-hm. - The average penis size is? - Five or six, yeah. - I think it's like a little longer, I don't know. Okay, let's see. "Don't have sex until you're married." "Comparing girls to objects like sandwiches "or wads of chewing gum, end of discussion." I asked this person what they meant by chewing gum, I was like, could you elaborate a little about that? But they didn't get back to me. - Well, I've heard this. So, it's that you're a stick of gum, and once you chew a stick of gum, it becomes tasteless, and you don't want it anymore. You want a fresh piece of gum. You don't want a chewed up one. And I've heard this also being like pieces of tape, and Snickers bars getting melted, so it's really just about saying like, hey women, you decrease in value the more that you have sex, and men, you increase in value. Which is fucked up and terrible. So we have so many people in our stream, yay! All right, LC, so yeah, "If we're in pleasure, "we're less controllable," you are so right. Like if we just liberated the world, like so many things, wars would end. We would be able to like, attack climate change, but people are really easy to control. I completely agree with you. BNB, I don't think we've met. So good to have you. You wanna read BNB? - Sure, where is it? Oh, okay, okay. "I think mine was medically accurate, "but definitely no talk about how to have pleasure. "So I was really confused when it hurt really bad "and didn't know about lube or if pain was normal." Oh, my god, you are not alone. Literally so many people have pain during sex, and they just, it's because we weren't taught some like basic things about like, how like, your tissue swells and how you may need lube, and just like, rhythms of our own like, arousal cycle. - We don't learn about the clitoris. - We don't talk about the clitoris. - Like if you don't learn about the clitoris, then of course, like almost, it's almost like sex will be painful if there's no arousal. And yet, that's so not talked about. Thank you for sharing that, BNB. - Yeah, thank you for sharing that. And also like, nobody talks about like, how to talk about pain with your partner, you know? There's no movie where like a love scene stops, and it's like, ooh, actually, can we take a minute? Like, my vagina kinda hurts. Like, it feels so awkward to say that, but. - Well, it's also kind of expected. Like, when I was growing up, you would hear women in my family kinda talk about like, your first time. And it's just kinda like yeah, it should hurt. Sex feels good for men, sex doesn't feel good for women was what I learned from watching my family. Mia has a story for you, Christina. - "Christina, you mentioned at the beginning "that you signed an abstinence pledge, "and were relieved about it. "I remember announcing to my health class "that I would remain abstinent for life." Yes, GG photos. How's that going for you, Mia? - But I mean, that's so upsetting because like the chances are, many people are gonna get STIs, and so doing the shaming in class is just making it so that like, if you look at the statistics, it's saying that hey, this thing that many of you are gonna get from standard touch with other human beings is going to like, make you dirty or unclean, which really does not help increase the conversations that happen. I mean, when we shame people about STIs, they don't talk about it. - And they spread faster. - Then they spread it more. So if we just said, hey, STIs are like getting a cold, or it's like you go skiing. Sometimes you're gonna like get an injury like a sprained ankle. We have to make that go away, so thank you for sharing that, Mia. New Gal, welcome if you are new, I don't know. This is so good to have you. You had puppets representing every STI except for the most common, herpes, and they were crazy looking and hilarious. - You had STD puppets? Oh my god, didn't they still sell them on Amazon? - I think I remember. Was it like, the molecule? Like what each like molecule looked like? 'Cause I think I know about it, and that's kind of cute, we need them, we need them. We need them to be cute and not scary, too. So, New Gal, so glad you're here. We have more stories, we have tons of stories, so really looking forward to sharing more. BNB, "I wish I knew that virginity's a made up concept." Can I dish about Catholic school education? - Yes, let's talk about virginity. - Let's talk about how we need to completely remove the concept of virginity and foreplay from like, the lexicon of sex. Like if you think about it, this idea of virginity. First of all, if you are queer, do you ever lose your virginity? If a penis never goes into a vagina, like it brings in so many questions of like, what is sex? What counts as a legitimate sex act, right? And I remember in the school that I went to, many people who were religious and Catholic and really believed and bought into this idea of virginity were having plenty of like, sexual encounters, but they were very protective over the P and V, and this led to a lot of just like shame, and maybe not as safe sex as could have been happening if there were like more. So I just remember, you know, lots of young, you know, I'm Filipino, lots of Filipino young women that I knew were having anal sex. Like did they know how to have great or pleasurable or safer? - How much lube were they using? - How much lube? Maybe not, but it's like young. I remember I also had a lot of Mormon young people in my town, and they had this thing called soaking. Have you heard of this? - No. - Where they were like, sex is only when the penis goes out, so they would put the penis in the vagina, and just sit. - Well, could the woman masturbate while the penis was in there? - No. But it is like, these are the things that happen, right? So, this is where I grew up, and I was so ashamed. I was told by my Catholic school, Sunday school teachers. We had Tuesday night school, like it was one of those after school religious programs, and it was pretty much really drilled in our head that premarital sex was one of the worst things you could do. It's one of the worst possible things. And it was very much hard for people who, you know, we have stat, we know that the average age that people lose their virginities is around 16. - 16, 17, it's like right around that. - We also know that the age that people choose to get married is later and later. In 2009, single unmarried women outnumbered married women for the first time in US history. This is saying that people are getting married later and we still have all these messages that any sort of premarital sex is bad and wrong. And the longterm effects of this is that it affects your self-esteem, it affects your ability to take care of yourself, and there's this black and white tendency, especially with religious sex ed, which is like, even if you, let's say you kissed someone or you give someone oral sex, or you have, all these things are sins. And so, especially when you get into sexual violence and these types of topics, what we find is that people, when they know they're sinning, they take less care of themselves because they feel bad. And one of the things that I've noticed is that in religious context, and this is something that I always wondered, like why don't I learn about consent? If they want me to stay abstinent, why are they not teaching me about how to talk about sex? And I learned it's because why would you even put yourself in a situation that you would do anything sexual? You should be a chaste and virginal young person. And so, even if a young person is like fine making out, fine doing some things, and someone crosses the line and violates their consent, they will, and this is based on reports and anecdotes, not report it because they don't want people to know, their parents, their teachers, whoever in their community to know that they were doing anything sexual at all. And so, over time, this means that it was actually easier to sexually coerce me as a young person because I already felt so much guilt and shame about any of the sexual activities that I wanted to partake in. And it only gets worse from there. As I started to realize that I was queer, or realize that I had any sort of sexual desire that didn't fit sex within marriage, a heterosexual relationship within marriage, it just snowballed into more and more and more fear. So this is some of the things that we're trying to undo with O.school. - So like, share an anecdote. One woman shared a story with us when we were interviewing people about their sex ed. She was raised pretty religious, but she also was like, she's like, I didn't have super shamey education, but I just knew that certain things weren't good to do. She had this religious boyfriend who really pressured her and used religion against her, and she would be like, hey, that thing that we did sexually the other day, I don't really feel comfortable. I wanna stop, and he's like, "You can't go back." Like you've already done it. Like you've already done this sin. You're already here, we can't go back, so all we can do is just keep doing it and go forward. So she felt like she couldn't say no, like I wanna stop this in the future 'cause I'm already bad. - Yep, exactly. Thank you for bringing that up. Women are temptresses. We are always tempting everyone around us, and so, this is where you get victim blaming and sexual violence. All of these things come from this idea of a woman's value is tied to her virginity. And that should just fucking go away forever. It's also the same thing with foreplay. What is foreplay? Foreplay is everything that pleasures women or people with vulvas or people who don't have penises. Foreplay is an idea that the main event is P and V. It's penis and vagina. And that's also in the same vein. So, New Gal, Christina. - Hi yeah, "Christina may remember me. "Andrea, I'm on here all the time "and I absolutely love this." We love you, New Gal. You sent us an email and we were so glad we could respond. And also we have a website, we have a new email address called submit@O.school, so if you have questions, we have sex educators on our team who can answer questions for you if you don't feel comfortable asking in this space. - Thanks for much for coming and I'm so glad you're here. So, thank you for everyone who's joined. We're talking about sex ed stories. Let's go get some more. If you have them, wherever you are in the world, we wanna hear your horrible sex ed stories, things you had to unlearn, things your parents, your friends, your aunt, your weird cousin, anyone told you about sex that really affected you. Movies that you saw, or like the bad sex ed you had in schools because as we've already gone over, there's less sex education happening than really the last 30 years in the United States at the moment. And we think that there's a lot of negative longterm effects that come from that. - Yeah, we're here to validate you, and celebrate you, and commiserate with you, so we wanna hear all of your stories. Share with me. Okay, let's see. Didn't have sex, okay, don't have sex until you're, okay, we already read that one, sorry. "I could list every STD in existence, "but I couldn't tell you how to practice safe sex." Aww, yeah, that's sad. "I grew up in a small town in Utah. "My teachers didn't even tell me contraception existed, "and that it was my responsibility to keep boys "from thinking dirty thoughts about me." That's another one, this idea that like, it is a woman's responsibility to keep men chaste, you know? Like if men have dirty thoughts, it's because I did something wrong. Which is like, how can I control that? How could I possible control what a man is thinking? - And like, young men are like super like-- - Little horndogs. - They're little horndogs. Like, you could wearing anything, like you could show up in a sack. It's so easy to sexualize anything. Has anyone seen Big Mouth on Netflix? If you haven't seen it, like that show, it's not all like, you know, there's definitely some things there, but what I loved about that show is really, it really encapsulated how pervy young boys are. Which great, young women are also pervy, but I think young boys, especially with those sorts of testosterone, they could sexualize you in a paper bag, like a paper sack. - Yeah, and making it my fault that they're having these thoughts just perpetuates this idea that it's my responsibility not to like, be assaulted, that like a man isn't responsible for his own actions. - And it also, this is where all the school dress code stuff came, right? Like it is more important to keep boys from being tempted than for women, or for young girls to get education. That's what happens when schools send girls home to change from their outfits because, you know, they're showing like one little bit of skin anywhere. That's really what that's saying. And this is all based on a really kind of poor understanding of sexuality and pleasure, and like, we're so excited to change that, so. I love these stories. - Okay, those are the ones that I pulled, but I can pull the Facebook page back up. - BNB is giving us some really nice verbal affirmation that we're spot on. - Aww, thank you. - And like, streaming sometimes is hard so thank you for that affirmation. - Yeah, it is hard sometimes. And we're just so happy you guys are here. I'm gonna pull up. - So, if you haven't seen, since Christina's joined and it's been a month and we're so excited to have her, we have this Buzzed group that is basically just hosting great stories about masturbation. I think right now, we're doing a series on masturbation and masturbation stories, so definitely check it out. I've loved it. The bear one recently made me cackle. - We are doing, I think the first, the tenth person to send us a masturbation story gets a vibrator. And like, insider tip, I think we're like one or two away. So like, it could be you. You could be the winner of a new vibrator. Just have to send us a masturbation story. And submit at O.school or in the Buzzed group. - Oh my god, New Gal. New Gal, "I got shamed eighth grade for doing something "with a guy, but he was with me." "What in the entire hell, I know that's mild, "but I remember all the pervy boys "whispering about me at lunch "but congratulating the guy." I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's like, again, it's this idea that like, that women give sex and we are lessened in value, and then men get sex and they increase in value. This is one of the things that I think took the longest really to undo and unlearn. Thank you for sharing that, that's fucked up. - Yeah, and slut shaming really stays with you a long time. I feel like it's hard to shake a slut shame label, or like a slut label. And just like that ickiness, that feeling that your sexuality is like, wrong, it's hard to shake, so. - Okay, New Gal, you need help finding the Buzzed group after liking the O.school page. That's good to know. Mia, you wanna help her out? - Yeah, Mia, get on that link. - Yay, Livalu, you're so sweet, thank you. I think it's awesome, too. I'm really loving reading all the submissions from the community. All right, Mia's gonna hook you up. - Here's a long chain of, "didn't have any," "did not receive it," "never had it, lol," "well, sex ed for us was how to avoid rape." Let's see, "it was overly religious, "people saying it was wrong to have sex, "you would regret it." "It makes you a bad person." Aww, that's tough. "Et cetera, but then when trying to defend themselves "and people call them out for being unkind, "and they were like, wow, we know plenty of teen moms, "and they're all really nice." I'm not so sure I understand where that one was going, but. Let's see. "We didn't have it in school. "My mom made me watch the movie Kids, though, "and had me research all kinds of things. "I was frightened." Isn't Kids where like there's a guy who has, who's HIV positive and he goes around sleeping with virgins to try and infect them? I think that might be the movie. - Great sex ed choice. Whoever thought of that, like oh my god. I'd love, like again, this is the normal. It is rare, okay, it is rare for me to meet people who are like, my sex ed was great. Like it's just rare, right? And so, you know, in terms of more longterm effects, how's this affected everybody? Like how's these sex ed experiences affected you? I know for me, I remember there were times that I'm ashamed of when I was younger that it is also not just my relationship to other people sexually, but with friends. Slut shaming friends and this idea of like, how many people have you slept with? Oh, you went so far with that person. Did you use protection? And you know what this is? This is judgment masked as concern. And we are taught that in sex ed. Like oh, you know, you did all that? Ooh, I didn't know you were that type of girl. These kinds of things are so hurtful, and I remember being kind of brainwashed in the system. I can remember in my younger days spreading that. - Yeah, absolutely. And I feel like one, this message that like, we co-enforce it with our friends that we're like, did you go all the way with him? Like why would you do that? Like all these like shaming language, they really, we internalize that so deeply, and one of the major problems is that women will like stick around with people? With certain partners 'cause they don't wanna add more numbers. So I remember when I was in college, I would go back and keep hooking up with this one guy who didn't treat me well and didn't really respect me, but I was like, I don't want number four. Like, I don't want four people on my list. It's like oh my god. And so, yeah, but I was like that's so silly. I feel like I could've been investing that energy and emotional like, that emotional energy into something else but I was just so afraid. And it's weird 'cause most of my friends were really positive and they were like, just like sleeping with everybody, but I still felt that so deeply, you know? - Sure, I'm sure you did. And thank you for bringing up that if, you know, if people see that you have a different partner all the time, it's inherent that you're less moral, that you're not discriminating, that you'll just sleep with anyone, right? Like there's this idea that, you know. Whereas it's very rare that people find, they hit it on the first try, right? It's a rare thing. Mia was asked once what her body count was. I remember telling someone my body count, and then they asked a few followup questions, like oh, you don't have that high of a body count. It only counts dicks. I had that, I had that, I had that, like hey, that doesn't count. Don't make your count go up, and it was like, really invalidating in other ways, right? In terms of queer identity. And I know Eva was here for a while. I can only imagine what sex ed when you have a different body, when you're asexual, when you have a history of trauma. Like so much is left out of that, and so this P and V kind of emphasis hurts everyone. It hurts so many people, whether you're having P or V sex, or whether you just don't have a body where that's possible. Or whether you're queer and there's no penis involved. There's no penis to speak of. - Yeah, I also wanna talk about some of the things that, another thing that is left out in our school sex education and also in our informal pop culture sex education is queer sex ed. And that's actually a stream that's coming up right after this, The Queer Sex Ed You Never Got In School. But I was looking at some data from the CDC, and based on several different health indicators, LGBTQ high school students are at a much higher risk of serious health outcomes from their peers based on lack of information in school. And that's a huge problem. We had one woman who was speaking to us, she told us the story about how her sex ed teacher was just this old smelly man who just couldn't connect with anybody in the classroom. And she, she was like, "I had sex with a man, "and it basically scared me straight." Like in that really awkward, painful experience, that was when I knew that I, er, sorry, I wasn't scared straight, I was scared gay. She was like, "That was when I knew "that I wasn't meant to be with a man." And she's like, "If I'd just seen in sex ed class "like it was okay to be gay, that that was an orientation, "that that is a real thing, then I would've absolutely "not needed to have had this experience." And I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. - Right, Livalu. "I feel like a lot of sex ed and social messages "are all about keeping fems submissive "and erasing their sexuality and tying their moral value "to their bodily and sexual value. "It's so frustrating and sad." Totally, totally. - Could not agree with you more. Once you start looking at it, too, the longer I work at O.school, the more I have a hard time watching any movies, or like pop culture 'cause I'm like, it's all designed to like, like any time a woman like, gets sheepish about masturbating, it's like, oh no, oh I don't do that, or like, oh no, like I don't, like I'm not gonna make the first move. I'm like it's all wrong. - Right, right. - I wanna take over Hollywood. - And it's so pervasive, it's in everything, right? And I think that, first of all, thank you, mystery tipper. - Yeah! - Woo! - And we have two new people who just joined us, so hi! - Hello! Okay Nuya, "I feel guilty for wanting to do lots of sexual, "spiritual, non-penetrative sex with cis men, "not from the guys, except one who kept saying, "'Finish what you started.'" Fuck that guy, first of all. "Because my girlfriends were so focused on P and V. "I was lingering all up in energy." Yeah, I think that that pressure to have one type of sex, which is the type of sex that we're told in porn, is really quite high. - Yeah. Eva just shared something with us. "Sex ed in special ed is basically how to not get abused. "There is no talk about dating or relationships "or even anatomy." I'm so sorry. - Eva, I am so glad you are doing the work to reverse this. If you don't know, Eva is an instructor on O.school, one of our pleasure professionals, and teaches about sex and disability, and special ed, thank you for sharing that perspective. I always wondered what sex ed is like in a special ed class. And like why don't we have those kids with us all learning? Because not only is it really important. My younger sister actually fell in love with someone with a disability, and felt really robbed of the education of how to love and be with people. It's absolutely the worst that people with different bodies aren't getting this education. But it's also good for everyone to get it because, you know, people love lots of different people with lots of different bodies and all types of lives. - Yeah. So for the new people who just joined, we are trying to get stories about people's sex ed, the longterm effects of things that have like, affected you from informal or formal sex education, so please share your stories. - Livalu, "Can't watch movies without wanting to cry, "even the progressive films." I know! And lots of movies that you like, love, and then you watch again, and then you realize oh no, oh no. This is like, this didn't age well. Like I'm a better person now watching this movie. - I rewatched 10 Things I Hate About You, and I started like, trying to make notes about all of the really problematic things, and I was like, it's so long. It's like, like my document of like problematic things is too long. Okay, I also found these really interesting stats about attempts to improve our sex education. So in 2016, several states tried to add consent information to their sex ed. So, these states were trying to add amendments to get conversation about consent in sex ed. Michigan is still pending, but Oklahoma's failed, and Washington state's failed, so, like, why, like I don't understand why these things would fail? Like why people wouldn't want this to happen? I mean, it's possible there were other things involved in the law that got shut down for other reasons, but. And then, there were several states that tried to add information about communication in relationships. Arizona's failed, Hawaii's failed, Massachusetts is still pending. So even on a national level where people are trying, lawmakers who are trying to do good to improve sex ed for our students and keep people safer, these laws are not going through, which hopefully after the next midterm, maybe-- - Right, so we're in a time, and, this is, if you think about it, it's so weird because if you actually wanted abstinence, you would teach about consent. - Yeah. - So, this is not about, you know, lowering rates of teen pregnancy, or lowering rates of STIs. It's about, like we've all discussed, it's about really controlling, and it's like the patriarchy. It's really about controlling women's sexuality, specifically because none of these teachings. I mean, everyone is affected, but especially people who are socialized as women fall short of this when there are so many damaging messages. - Yeah. - New Gal feels you on the movies. - Yeah, "But I still have to check myself with cis guys, "even if they're bi because the whole "assertive masculinity thing is ingrained." Yeah. "I used to be an assertive fem, "but rejection got me down." Yeah, I can imagine. - Eva, you got some hugs. - Oh, and a hug for you, Eva. - Yeah, I love that you said that because sometimes it's really hard. Like you know, we have a lot of messages to be like, an empowered woman, an empowered, you know, fem, and all these kinds of messages, but then when you go out into the world, it's really hard to find people who will respect that, and it's, it's hard to date cis men these days. We have had streams on O.school about like, you know, how, 'cause it's not our job. We shouldn't have to educate everybody we're trying to date or sleep with, or you know, or have a hookup with about it, but it's tough. It's tough out there. - Yeah, and I feel like, especially when women know a lot, like I've had two dates since joining O.school that both men were like, oh, so you know a lot about sex, huh? And I was like, yeah, you know, I mean I'm learning a lot, but there's so much more to know. And then like, they repeated several times throughout the date, they're like, oh, so you probably know more than me? And I was like, oh, this is awkward. And then there's no followup. I feel like they were like very intimidated by this like, women knowing what they want and don't want and being able to communicate it. - Well and what that like, kinda the undercurrent that I feel when people learn that I'm a sex educator is that somehow I am like, like, a certain type of person. Like oh, because I talk about sex a lot that I am inherently more sexual, more kinky, more experienced, all the things. Like a higher sex drive, and I mean, whether or not that's true is not the important. The important thing is that like, you know, identifying as sex positive person and wanting to advocate for sexuality shouldn't give people like ideas about what kinda person you are, what kinda sex life you wanna have. - Yeah, absolutely. Plus, being sex positive does not mean having all the sex. It means just being comfortable and communicating what you want, and for some people, that's no sex at all. And for some people, that's a really long relationship before you have sex. And it's like well, it's what it means to be sex positive. - I mean, if you sum up everything we've gone over today with all the stories that you've all shared and we've read aloud and all the different kinda policy changes that we see in the country, is as a culture, we're very afraid of sex. We're very afraid of pleasure. There's this idea that if we taught people about their bodies, if we taught people about how good and awesome sex can be, that suddenly, people would just not be able to control themselves and we would have, like people would be having all the sex, like no one would work, nothing would get done because we're all having all the sex. And I think religion has that. You know, I came from a culture, a Filipino Catholic culture, and a lot of it is that we have to protect people from their animalistic desires, that men can't help themselves. I remember getting a talk from my father like, men only care about one thing, men only care about getting in your pants, and never give it up. Your job is to say no and like, and protect your virginity. And if you think about it, that's such a, that's such a poor and like, weak view of men. - Yeah, that's also really insulting to men, that men can't control themselves. - One, let's just talk about how that is insulting. Like if women weren't chaste and we didn't cover up and we didn't protect people from our goddess-like sexual sexuality, that men couldn't control themselves, and they would hurt. That's why sexual violence is such a pervasive problem in society because we don't help train, especially people that socialize as men, to like, how to be a sexual being and still respect everyone's bodily autonomy. So I think that as a society and a culture, we gotta invest some time to help that. And then also not assigning so much value, especially our moral and inherent value, to sexuality when people are socialized as women. - Yeah, something I wanna bring up with like, education and just violence prevention. So I remember looking at some research on how to prevent sexual abuse in children. It was a national organization that was dedicated to preventing this, and they said start talking to your kids early about sex. Start young, give them a sense of autonomy and control over their body because they don't know how to like, talk about these things, and like use their words, and if they're afraid to talk about their bodies, then they might not come forward and tell you what's going on. - Totally. - And I just feel like that just kind of ties into this. We have this fear of people's sexuality and that kind of starts young. I think parents are afraid to talk about sex with children because it makes the parents uncomfortable, but it's actually really hurting children because if you're not giving them the information, autonomy over their body, you're increasing the chances that they won't be able to defend themselves if something bad happens. - And you're making it this big taboo thing, which makes it so much hotter. Like if we just talked about it. Like I remember as a kid like, the idea of sex, it was so titillating because it was so forbidden and so wrong. And you think, like honestly like, that is probably like, you know, adding to why people sneak around and they do all these dangerous things because it's so kind of, it's treated like this forbidden fruit. And Ajay, "A no work all sex world sounds pretty nice." For me, pleasure's one of those few free things left in the world. - It's so free. A movie's like $12, masturbation is so free. - It's free, pleasure is one of those few things that it's really accessible to a lot of people, and so, you know, I really wanna build a world with people having more pleasure, and they can get more of the things that they want out of life, and sex education starts early, like Christina has pointed out. I really hope that more sex education programs center consent, center medically accurate biological and anatomical information. That seems like a lot to ask for, but the clitoris is still written out of most curricula. That is a very big problem. And I also wish that we add relationship questions. You know, we're in a time when a lot of sex education needs to include information about, you know, what is entering into a relationship look like? What does entering a hookup look like? - How to break up with somebody. - Yeah, like a lot of the-- - How to stand your ground. Use your voice. - A lot of the emotional side of things are so important. And I also hope that pleasure is included in that. I will always give tribute to Dr. Jocelyn Elders, the surgeon general under President Clinton, who was fired because she suggested that perhaps it would be a good idea to teach young people about masturbation, which is the safest sex that anyone can have. And I wanna give tribute to her because I absolutely agree, and that if we actually wanted to reduce violence and STIs spreading and teen pregnancy, is giving people access to their own pleasure themselves. I believe that that's one really important conversation we have to have, and we're so excited to partner with people like Good Vibrations who, that is actually, if you don't know, fun fact, where National Masturbation Month in May comes from. Is trying to give tribute to Dr. Jocelyn Elders. - Got one more story. - We got a couple more stories, and by the way, if you're just joining us, we really wanna hear your horrible sex ed stories, any kind of stories you can bring from all over the world. We love. - Okay, this one, let's see. "She threw a fish on the ground and let it die." That seems extremely cruel. - What? - Call PETA. PETA should be alerted. "Because sex without marriage is like a fish out of water." Okay, then it goes on. "And she used tape and made us all tape each other "with the same piece, then held it up with our dirt and oils "and said, 'Is this the type of girl you want? "'All used and gross-looking? "'Why not have a clean girl?' "and held up a clean piece of tape. "Then she said, 'Guys' brains are like cubbyholes, "'and girls are like spaghetti.'" What the hell? "And then she showed us what herpes, gonorrhea, "and chlamydia looked like in their absolute worst forms." - Doesn't that foster a healthy sexuality for life? Like wouldn't that make you just such a well-adjusted human? - Ready for, like, I'm assuming this person also wants like her students to wait until marriage because sex is like a fish out of water if you're not having it in marriage. But like, even in marriage, I feel like that's really hard to go from like everything is wrong, everything is shameful, it's all so bad, and then suddenly, like you have this contract, or like this institution, and that's hard to come back from that, you know? It's hard to unlearn that shame that's being integrated. If your objective is for people to have healthy marital sex lives, this still seems like the wrong. - And this type of sex education is paid for by our states and federal government. This is really a big problem because so much of this is really traumatic and can lead to slut shaming, to bullying, to teasing, to really traumatic experiences. And again, I really take so much, I have so much problem with the STI shaming that happens in schools because the chances that people will get STIs in their lifetime is quite high. The chances that people will get, I think, it's like one in three, or-- - And the chances of getting cured are also quite high. - Quite high, and so we must destigmatize that if we want people to feel safe enough to tell partners and to share their status so that we can address this public health problem, and this is not the way. Shaming young people is not the way to do it. - Yeah, we teach people what STDs are, but we don't teach them how to disclose them, or how to react when somebody discloses to you. It's hard to talk about like if you're a carrier of the herpes virus, but you don't have an outbreak. It's a delicate conversation to have, and there's no handbook in sex ed classes that's like, here's how to talk to your partner. Like when should you disclose? Or like if somebody tells you they have this, like how do you react? How do you like, how do you stay safe in this situation if you want to? - Most of the stories that have been shared to me are around people reacting in extreme anger, extreme blame, and abuse and violence. And all of this isn't just coming from a natural, we can teach people and educate them, and the way that we do it with these shamey, scary activities is only going to make it worse for people, and make it so that these communities who really need the education, they're just not getting it. So we are coming up to the hour. This has been so fun. New Gal, "The whole separating emotion from sex, "even hookups involve those. "Patriarchy wants to separate emotion from everything." You gotta write a blog post about that, my friend. - Yeah, yeah, do that. - I love that. That's like a blog post. Why separating emotion from everything is a tool to the patriarchy, yeah. I'd read it, I wanna read that. Thanks O'Kelly for sharing the submit@O.school. Again, we are taking questions, we are taking stories. Please join our Facebook group Buzzed, which is just a place for people to share anonymous stories about sex and awkward situations, pleasure, masturbation. - Yeah, we wanna share with each other, learn, grow, celebrate, commiserate. If you send us a story, what will happen is we will write back thanking you, validating you, celebrating you for sharing the story, commiserating with you if that's the kind of story it is. We'll ask if we can share it on our page, and then we'll make a little graphic with it so that others can learn from your experience. So, if you have something that really you feel like others could learn from-- - Wanna read a couple? - Yeah! - Let's read a couple. We'll close up the hour reading some Buzzed stories to kind of end it on a positive note. And one of the reasons that we love Buzzed is because we want more spaces where you're gonna be celebrated for the pleasure you're having. That you can be commiserated upon if there's something that really hurt you. - Yeah, this one is one of my favorites. "When I was a little kid, I got a Teddy Ruxpin "for Christmas morning. "His eyes opened, he talked, and he moved. "And as a thankfully clueless five or six year old, "I face-sat Teddy until he broke. "Lol, I feel like Teddy was my first." Teddy Ruxpin had a mouth that moved like this and kinda vibrated, and if you watch old Teddy Ruxpin commercials, and you think about it as like, a little masturbation toy, it's pretty funny to rewatch. "Three nights ago, I was masturbating. "I had my Womanizer W500 and a butt plug in. "I came so hard, my butt plug shot out." - That's amazing. Goals, hashtag goals. Yay, New Gal, Audio SE coming in, coming up. I'm so glad you had fun. I love that you were with us. We had so much fun ourselves. Thank you for sharing. - Yeah, should we read one more? - Yeah, let's do it. - Okay, let's see. "I used to masturbate and get super close to finishing, "or I'd quit midway through because I'd feel ashamed. "Then I talked to my boyfriend of a year about it, "and he suggested that instead of imagining it "as a dirty act, to just try and push through "and keep telling myself that it was okay to enjoy myself. "Slowly by surely, I got comfortable masturbating myself. "It is probably one of the most freeing things ever, "and I'm so glad I stopped feeling guilty "and started feeling myself." - Yay. - We are also so glad that you stopped feeling guilty. - I just love that because that's an 18 year old, and that's a lifetime, that's like so many more years of pleasure that this person will have, yay. - Yeah, glad you figured that out now. Like she may feel like she's wasted some years, but like, there are people who don't learn how to masturbate until like way later in life, so, that's like amazing. - Thank you, tipper! - Oh, yay! - This was so fun, everybody. - Yeah, we had such a great time. - Definitely stay tuned, the next stream about queer sex ed led by Jess Melendez, right? Who is an amazing streamer, so engaging. I know Eva was here, thank you for joining. Livalu, New Gal, this was like a pleasure. Thanks, O'Kelly and Mia for hanging out. Ajay, no work, all pleasure, all the time world. I am building that for you, Ajay. That is where we're going, Ajay. We're going there for you, okay? Remember this. Actually, in countries which are experiencing low birth rates and are quite, so I know that I think Denmark is one of them, they're actually, as a culture, instituting sex breaks as a kind of paid time off thing, and I remember reading this and I was like this is the future, this is the future. We will be told to go and have sex in the middle of the day. But I kinda like, I don't like that it's just for like, birth rates, but also awesome. - Whatever it takes, you know? Just getting more people having pleasure. Should I read one more or? - Yeah, let's do it, just keep reading. - Okay, I'm just gonna keep reading. - We got people, thank you. - Let's see, oh, no? - No, no, this is great. We got tons of these. - Okay, "One time, two times"-- - Ajay, yes, Ajay! - Ajay, we wanna hear your masturbation story up here, so. - Yeah, submit. - Submit at O.school. - Anonymous, totally anonymous. - Yeah, we like to include people's names, but if you don't want your name included, your first name, then we will not include it. So, just so you know. "One time, two times, I came so hard masturbating "that I pulled a muscle in my neck "from arching my back so fast." Way to go. - Gotta get your masturbation stretches. Gotta get some like. Gotta do your pre-masturbation. - I wonder if they went to the doctor for that. Like what the doctor would say. Like what were you doing? Like uh, just self-care, stretches? - Christina, where can people find you? - Oh, okay. - Twitter? - I'm on Twitter, yeah. @cerqueic, I'll type it in here. I'm gonna type my Twitter handle, there you go. - That's Christina, you can find her there. We'll be streaming more. - Yeah. - I'm so glad that, this is our first time streaming together. It was so fun, and LC, I am so happy to see you. I've missed you. - Oh, sorry. - It's okay. - It's time. - We got it. LC, thank you so much for coming, this was so fun. Livalu, you're so awesome, thank you for sharing, and you made this really fun that we could hang out with you. - Yeah, and if you guys have any ideas for future streams or content that you wanna see, send it to submit@O.school, and then we will make that happen for you. - Woo, okay, we got more stories. - Yay. "A college friend was feeling glum "about her sexual satisfaction. "I asked if she masturbated. "She snapped, 'No, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.' "I smiled and nodded, but I was like, "don't act like I'm the weird one." That's too bad, I mean, but you know what? I feel like that woman at least opened her friend's mind to masturbation a little bit, you know? Sounds like maybe this woman was or was not, maybe wasn't masturbating, but now, maybe a seed was planted. - Little shout out to all the sex positive people out there that open people's minds and get the initial brunt, but that person's probably like thought about it since. So it's great to start those conversations. - Yeah. "A friend sent me a vibrator, but I was out of town. "I asked my mom if she found a package. "She said no. "Later, she revealed that she opened it herself "and kept it." Good for her. Honestly, like great, more vibrators around. I hope that friend also then sent another vibrator for her friend, so, just be like the vibrator supplier for the whole house. Oh, this one wasn't masturbation theme-related. This wasn't part of the campaign for submissions for that, but one person was like, "I really want someone "to spit on my face." And I said, you know what? - Way to advocate for what you want. - Yeah! - Way to go! - It's important to know what you want, and to not feel ashamed about it. We also hope someone spits in your face for you, consensually, you know? - I will give you one little sex ed tip. Never yuck a partner's yum. - Yes. - Even if you don't want your face spit on, make sure you go like, that's really hot that you like that. That's not for me, but I think it's really awesome that you know what you want. Because there might be another sexy thing that you like and it doesn't feel good to get yucked. - No, it doesn't. And that's another thing, too. If somebody says something that you don't really like, the average thing you can do is be like, okay, I'm not into that. But like, a better thing you can do is be like, ooh, that sounds like really hot, I really hope that happens for you, but that's not for me. Just like, really going out of your way to validate somebody's thing and being like, oh my god, like that's awesome that you love that. - And be curious. - And I really hope that happens. - Yeah, be curious. - Tell me why you like that-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I think that's really cool. - I love asking like, oh what do you like about that? Like what do you like, and it could be that they like, for example, you know, just like that it's so rude and there's just something so awesome about that. So you can be like, okay, well, I don't wanna spit, but can I like, call you some dirty names? And then it might give them the same feeling that being spit on gives it, so the more questions you ask, the hotter you can make it without having to do the thing that might like, not be for you, right? - Totally. - I learned that from Luna Matatas, another O.school pleasure professional. That was one of the, I was like, I'm using that. So yeah, no yucking other people's yums. - All right, yeah, a few more. "I used to have really painful penis in vagina sex "with my boyfriend. "I thought it would be shameful "to end a loving relationship just for sex. "The pain and anxiety I felt still creeps up on me "10 years later." That's real. - I haven't read that one. That one's good. - Yeah, that's a good one. And that's real. I feel like sometimes we don't think of these really complicated sexual experiences. You know, there's like mind-blowing sex, or there's like, in the media we see like, mind-blowing sex or there's like rape, and there's like not a lot of in between of bad sex, or like, sort of like-- - Meh. - Just complicated. - Yeah, it's like meh sex. Right? - Yeah. - And also this makes me think of how we don't really allow women, especially, to value sex in their life. Right, it's like oh, I should be happy with a loving relationship. Like he's not beating me, he's not cheating on me, so then I shouldn't wanna leave. And it's like, if you're out there, and you value sex and you're not getting that in your relationship, do what you need to do, have the conversations you need to have. Ajay, you're still here hanging out with us. - Yay! - I love that. "Nothing quite as hot as bouncing fantasies "off of a partner." - Honestly, that's like, yeah. - And the best sex tip is don't yuck yums. Just like, keep it going, keep it going. It's easy to like, if someone throws something in, you're like uh, okay. And like, the fun stops. So, just make sure you get your game face on, your poker face on, but my experience is that you're right. Just being able to bounce fantasies, so hot. - We probably should head off 'cause Jess is about to start in one minute. - Yay! Okay, we've just like, gotten y'all revved up. Ajay, impulse buys coming out of those mutual fantasies. Yeah, like, shopping spree. This was super fun, you all were so great to come out and hang out with us. And have a great time with Jess. We're gonna pop in there and say hi to Jess, too, and support her, so. - Yay, bye, you guys. Thank you so much.

Long Term Effects of Your Bad Sex Ed

Date
Wed
Sep 12, 2018
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4:00 pm
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Calendar
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
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4:00 pm

O.school has been collecting stories about the long-term effects of bad sex ed. Andrea Barrica and Christina Cerqueira share some of those stories in addition to personal experiences

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Tips for Safer Queer Sex

Date
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
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6:00 pm
Date
Wed
Mar 20, 2019
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6:00 pm
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We're bringing you inspirations for safer and hotter queer sex. Sex educator, Jess Melendez will share some ideas and tips, then take your questions live and ones from Instagram. It's free and anonymous to watch and ask. 9PM ET

Dating after Divorce or a Long Relationship

Date
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
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6:00 pm
Date
Wed
Mar 27, 2019
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6:00 pm
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Dating again after a divorce or a long term relationship? Sensuality expert Lucia Pavone has guided many people on this journey, and she's here to help you too. For an hour, come hear her advice and ask your questions. It's free and totally anonymous. 6PM PT / 9PM ET