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Get Your Clit Stimulated Right

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Wednesday, September 5, 2018

For all you clit owners out there that wish to know your clitoris on a deeper, more personal level, Colby is here to guide your exploration into one of the least known parts of the female body!

Video transcript

I'm excited! Name is Colby Marie Z. I am a sexologist, which means I study sex and I'm always learning about sex. It also means I teach about sex as well. And I also do coaching one-on-one and couples. I do that virtually, in person. I do workshops. So what is the clitoris? The clitoris is ♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪ the only body part made, it's only sole purpose is pleasure, giving you good feels. Making you feel good. If you have a clitoris, I want you to rejoice. I want you to shout it from the rooftops. Always take care of your clitoris. Make it feel really comfortable and delightful and joyful and appreciated. So you have the outer lips, or labia majora. And then in here you have the inner lips, or labia minora. And then up at the top of the inner lips, we have what's known as the clitoral hood. Now obviously, this is going to look very different on every single person, 'cause every single vulva is different and every single vulva is beautiful. So for some folks, the clitoral hood might be bigger. Might cover the clitoris entirely when it's not around. And for others, it might be a little tighter, a little smaller, a little higher. Sometimes when you're looking at some vulvas, you can see the clitoris under the hood a little bit. So we have this hood, and then under it is where we have the clitoris. And as I mentioned, the sole purpose of a clitoris is to provide pleasure. There are about 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris. It is the highest concentration of nerve endings of anywhere else on the body. It's the size of a pea, but again, that's going to be very different. Some folks, it might be more like a lima bean. For some it might be kind of like a pencil eraser and feel really different. But 8,000 nerve endingsall right there like a little bullseye. And then underneath the urethra, we have the vagina. So when we're talking about this external clitoris that you can literally see outside of the vulva, this is actually the entire clitoris organ. And this little guy here, this little tip, is the part that we see outside. So as you can see, it is literally a very small percentage of the actual, entire clitoral structure. The rest of the clitoris, kind of like a wishbone, right? There are, I can't remember the name! Crura, which are the legs of the clitoris. Two bigger bulbs kinda go down here, and they're kind of hidden up behind where the labia are. And then two longer, or I should say the inner lips, and two longer legs kinda go around here. And sometimes even the nerve endings that kind of skeleton their way like tree branches away from these longer legs, these crura here, can even go down through the inner thighs. Which sometimes for some folks might, that might explain a little bit why when we're aroused, even a little touching, tickling, nibbling, along the inner thighs can feel really arousing. So even when we talk kind of about the G-spot or the G-zone, there is some rationality that that's not actually a separate area. That's just a way that we are stimulating the clitoris more internally. It would be some of the same tissue that's here. And that's why some folks a lot of times will feel a lot of pleasurable sensations if other parts of their vulva are stimulated as well. There is essentially a sexual response cycle that happens for most of us. Again, these are generalizations, so they're not all gonna happen exactly the same way, exactly the same time for all of us every time we're aroused. And your heart starts beating faster because the blood in your body starts pumping straight to the genitals, straight to the vulva. If you think of a penis, that's why a penis becomes erect. But the clitoris also gets an erection. It's just a little smaller, so you usually can't tell the same way you can with a penis. So a lot of times, that means some of the lips will become juicier and more engorged. If you're paying attention, the color of the genitals might change and might deepen, and become either purple or red or darker. The clitoris is going to, again, kind of get an erection and engorge more with blood so that's gonna become stiffer and harder and kind of poke its little head out more. This clitoral hood is gonna retract a little bit to expose the clitoris more. It's basically like hi, I'm ready to play! For some folks, what can happen is a harder pressure before the clitoris is popped out might feel okay, but than as soon as it's exposed a little more, it's a little more sensitive, because it doesn't have that kind of protective hood around it anymore. So sometimes the same, equal pressure then versus now might not feel as pleasurable because it's more sensitive, because there's more blood in it. And the hood is exposed, so more of it is vulnerable and out there. Clitoris wants to play, but you have to chase. That's gonna come to be a really important point, because one of the things we'll talk about when we talk about communication is feedback. And folks, especially folks that don't have a clitoris that might not realize that the sensitivity of it changes as our arousal cycle kind of happens, or response cycle happens. So they might need that sort of feedback in order to know that they have to switch up the type of simulation that they're providing to the clitoris. All of our bodies are different. Our context changes. Even though my body for the most part is the same today as it was yesterday, what I need today might be very different than what I needed yesterday in order for me to experience pleasure. And that might be because of physiological things, like maybe hormones, the time of my cycle, whether or not I have a headache, what I ate, how I feel, how much water I've had today. But it also might be emotional things, right? Maybe I'm a little bit more vulnerable today than I was yesterday, or a little more, feeling a little more romantic and a little less rough, right? So I talk about this more when I'm talking to folks with vulvas, because kinda societally, historically, traditionally, we are not taught as often to kinda speak up and advocate for ourselves and our needs, and really prioritize our pleasure. In a lot of ways, we're socialized to prioritize our partner's pleasure, especially if that partner is a man. The clitoris is the most, although not all the time, reliable way for most people with clitorises to have to orgasm. There is a lot of misinformation that is perpetuated out there about what it takes for folks with these kinds of parts to orgasm. And a lot of things, what we'll see in mainstream porn, and even if we look at different toys, and we think of dildos, right? Dildos are penis-shaped objects that are inserted or penetrated. A lot times, if you're watching mainstream porn, you'll see a penis jack hammering a vagina. Which can be really pleasurable for some folks, but is oftentimes not the way that someone with a vulva will cum. Most people with vulvas need, and I think around the number's 70%, need some sort of clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. A lot of times, folks will never have an orgasm during PIV, Penis In Vagina, sex, and think that something is wrong with their body. There are so many ways to stimulate the clitoris externally that don't have to involve any sort of penetration. While penetration can be really pleasurable and feel really good, there are other types of stimulation that oftentimes feel better, that oftentimes don't risk the sort of discomfort or even pain that is sometimes associated with penetrative sex. Have to be penetrated oftentimes takes more of a physical and emotional effort for a lot of folks. Making sure that you're aroused in a way in which you're lubricated, or adding extra lubrication. I feel like the clitoris provides so many more options than just penetrative sex. So I love, love, love talking about the clitoris. There's just so many things you can do! You can stimulate it with tongue, with fingers, with another clitoris. You can rub it against a pillow or a bedpost, or so many different options on how to stimulate the clitoris. Y'all, what is the only way to find out what feels good on your own personal clitoris? What could I possibly do to find out what I like? The answer, clearly, is to masturbate. Just try different things. Watch some porn. How does that change your experience? Rub your clit hard. How does that change? Rub your clit hard at first and then back off. How does that change? Rub your clit soft at first and then harder, and how does that change? Do it when you're really aroused. Do it when you're not really aroused. Play with all these different dynamics and contexts and landscapes, Chris, like you mentioned, and work from there. 'Cause then at least you have a baseline. I recognize not everyone's really cool with masturbation, so I'm not gonna necessarily try to change anyone's mind. But how am I ever gonna know what feels good on my clitoris unless I experiment with these sensations on my clitoris? No matter how intimate you are with a partner, you will never, ever, ever, even if it's really, really close, be as comfortable being vulnerable with them as you are being vulnerable with yourself when no one else is around. Again, you might be 99% there, but it's never gonna. When you're by yourself, you don't have to work. You can be selfish because there's literally no one else there for you to consider, have to consider, want to consider. Even if you wanted to be the most considerate, selfless of your life, no one's there to do it, so you have to just focus on yourself. And I think that's so amazing, and we don't take enough advantage of that. So play by yourself. A lot of times, vibration sensation can feel really pleasurable on clitorises, clitori, and that is why the vibrator kind of exists. And vibrators exist in all sorts of different forms, right? I don't have all of them here in front of me. There's millions of vibrators out there. But they can be as, oh, my battery's dead. They can be as simple as a little bullet vibe, and obviously this is just really simple and straightforward. You can't hear it 'cause it doesn't have batteries in it. I forgot to put them in. But a lot of different patterns and rhythms and intensities in the vibration. And vibration can feel good directly on the clitoris for some folks. Or again, thinking about the internal structure of the clitoris, vibrations might actually feel good and/or better indirectly. So through the sides, maybe on the labia, over the hood, over underwear, over pants. So this is where it is really, really going to change depending on the person, depending on the landscape, depending on how you are with a partner, depending on how you're feeling that day, depending on the mood you're in, depending on your age and how our body changes over time. It's going to all depend. So there are lots of options to provide vibration sensations to the clitoris. It does not just have to be vibrator, boom, right here. So play, we'll talk about how we play, but you can play. There's lots of different options. Keep that in mind. And then there are other types of stimulation for the clitoris as well. I don't have one right here with me, but if you've ever seen a wand vibrator, they were often marketed as massagers. So it's oftentimes a bit kind of handle, and then a really bulbous part on the top. Looks almost like a microphone. You could rap into it, too. But those are known as some of the most widely enjoyed type of vibrators, almost because for a lot of folks, that direct stimulation can feel really intense and not as pleasurable, where a lot of folks like the wider base of the vibration to also be able to kind of spread out over more of the clitoris. Again, whether that be kind of this part here, or maybe even a little lower. I like particularly, I like pressure vibration a little underneath the clit. How do we know how our clitoris likes to be stimulated? I've already given you several different options for toys. I haven't even mentioned hands, tongues, right? So tongues, either like a flick or a suck, oh, and I still don't have one, but there's even, one of the newest toys out there is called the Womanizer. There's also other ones called the Satisfyer and it's kind of a new technology where it sucks on the clitoris instead of vibrates, because the fucking sensation can feel good for folks, too. So there's lots of different ways. I guess, moral of that story, there are lots of different ways to stimulate a clitoris that may feel good. May not feel good, as well. It's such a stigma, I think, in our society too that toys are gonna replace people. Toys will never replace people, 'cause there's a personal aspect. Dan Savage, Dan Savage I think says all this. He's like you build a house with tools. That doesn't mean you don't build the house. So even if you get your partner off with a toy, that doesn't mean you didn't get your partner off. Play with both of them together if that makes sense, the toy and the partner. Have them use it on you, versus you and talk that up, making that super hot. Be like yeah, I like using this on my own. I like it being in my hand. You know what would be so hot? Is if you did it with me. Do they ever use it so they feel like they are the ones kind of in charge of the toy, so they might still feel kind of, again, responsible for your orgasm even though they used a device to help with that. So now we are ready. We are equipped. We know what feels good on our clit. We know what our clit likes. Let's integrate this. Let's introduce these clitoral delights to partner play. Boom! Even being with a partner is going to change the dynamic of your clitoris. It's going to change your context, because again, no matter what, your context changes when another person is in the room. If you tried all these things with yourself first, then you at least have a starting point. You have a home base. When someone asks what you want, you don't say I don't know. You at least have some ideas. You kind of have a starting point. So when you have communication, you have a sender and you have a receiver. So if I am ready to communicate to my partner about my clitoris, I'm going to be the sender, okay? And the receiver is gonna be my lover. They're gonna be my partner. And then the message, the third part is the message. So that's what I want to get across to my partner. So the message I wanna send to my partner is that my clitoris likes to be stimulated very, very lightly. I know that because I've spent a lot of time with my clitoris, exploring, being curious, checking things out. The message is my clitoris likes to be touched very lightly. I am the sender and the receiver is my lover. Communication is effective when the message that the sender sends is the same message that the receiver receives. So the message I'm sending is I like my clitoris to be touched, I'm gonna do this every time, very lightly. And the receiver might The message they might get is I like my clitoris to be touched very lightly. And you see how I change my hand motion? That's because when I say lightly, what someone else is gonna interpret as lightly might be very different than what I interpret as lightly. There are nonverbal ways to communicate that as well, so maybe I instead show them how I like my clitoris touched. I demonstrate it for them, which is still communicating the same message, but it's via a different channel. Communication isn't ever one way, though, right? Like it's never just me. It's never just me, I should say very rarely just me saying things, especially if we're talking about an encounter in person. There's also this thing called feedback. So all right, let's play the scenario out. So I say I'm with a boo and I'm like I like my clitoris to be touched very lightly. And I mean this, but I didn't do this. I just say I like my clitoris to be touched very lightly. And this is actually the example of my friend that I remember. And so maybe then my lover goes to down to my clitoris and does this, 'cause that's what they thought lightly mean. What happens then? Hopefully, and my friend was like no. I remember my friend was like no, no, no, no. When I say lightly, I mean lightly, like lighter than that. That's what we call feedback. So I received that message as the receiver and I did this. But what I was doing was not, I did not receive the same message that the sender sent. The sender, me as a sender, realized that, and then provided some more information. Said no, no, that's not quite it. Lighter than that. And then we were kinda where we said so maybe then go from this to like this. So a little lighter, but still not as light as I wanna be. So, maybe then is when I take my hands and I say no, like this, right? And I show them, because then we're adding a visual element and sometimes that's easier, and sometimes that communicates. Really important when we're talking about communication to recognize that that feedback loop is so important. And that communication is fucking hard. So even though I communicated, I did great things. I did really amazing, brave things by advocating for what I wanted, which a lot of us sometimes are too shy to do, right? Again, because society's like our pleasure's not important. We should be pleasing our partner. I advocated for what I wanted. I was very concise and clear. I said my clitoris likes to be touched lightly. Pretty simple. I didn't beat around the bush and be like well, whatever you wanna do babe. I'm sure whatever you think is good, or like my clitoris will like that. So I was direct. I advocated for myself. Yet it still wasn't, I don't wanna say it wasn't enough, yet the message was still lost between receiver and sender. What we need to realize, and I think sometimes we get really discouraged and disgruntled when things don't work out the first time is that's okay, because that's the process of communication. You need that feedback, and sometimes it takes a couple of loops and cycles between message going from sender to receiver, getting feedback, getting message, doo, doo, doo, in order for you and a partner, or us and partners, to get closer and closer and closer to where that communication gets super effective, where we're on the same page. And what I'm saying and what I mean by what I'm saying or doing or showing or demonstrating is what my partner is interpreting. It's the same thing, so that they're literally able to do the things that I wanna do or want done, I should say. Does that make sense? Most of communication is not verbal. So regardless of the words that I'm saying, remembering that my nonverbals also communicate to my lover. So I think it's important to feel brave enough to use words and advocate for yourself, and tell people what you want. I think a lot of times we don't even say what we want, and then we have the nerve to fault folks for not giving us what we want. But did you communicate what you wanted? But follow those up with nonverbals. What are some nonverbals you might be able to provide for our partner? What's some feedback we could provide for our partner that don't include words? And I think when they are doing something that feels really pleasurable, giving them positive feedback. I'm a huge fan of positive feedback. And I love, and I know not everybody is as vocal or comfortable making noises in the bedroom, but vocal indicators can be really positive feedback. If you're moaning,heavy breaths, like clearly orally demonstrating that you are enjoying what they are doing can be amazing. Or if that doesn't work, using your body, feeling more comfortable. If you like the stimulation that you're receiving, maybe like writhing in pleasure, kind of getting more into it and being like yeah, that feels good, right? Because when I see a partner do those things, I feel really encouraged by what I'm doing. Maybe if something isn't working as well for you, not being afraid to pull back on some of those body cues, if that makes sense. Maybe stop writhing. Of if it's too much pleasure, like moving your body back or taking their hand and moving it around, things like that. So when it comes to communication about your clitoris, I think you can't communicate shit if you don't know yourself, so masturbate and get to know your clitoris. I think remembering that nonverbals can be just as, if not more, important than verbal communication. There was something that I didn't get to answer for you tonight, or if you have a question. If something comes up later for you or a challenge or a comment, definitely feel free to reach out to me on social media. Justin put my stuff. It's @ColbyMarieZ on both Insta and Twitter. Go practice on your clits, yo. Go practice on your clits!

Get Your Clit Stimulated Right

Date
Wed
Sep 5, 2018
|
4:00 pm
|
Calendar
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
|
4:00 pm

For all you clit owners out there that wish to know your clitoris on a deeper, more personal level, Colby is here to guide your exploration into one of the least known parts of the female body!

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