ON-DEMAND

Fingering 101

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Streamed
Thursday, June 14, 2018

Finesse your fingering skills in this live stream! Good finger sex is super hot. Get the facts on vulva anatomy and how to explore the sweet spots with your fingers and guide your partners there. You'll get tips on technique, communication and safety.

Video transcript

So hi, my name is Q Wilson. I am one of the pleasure professionals here at O.school. There are a ton of us, by the way. I am not the only one. There are so many pleasure professionals here. They're all well trained in what they do and amazing facilitators, so please check them out at some point while you're wandering around our site. I identify as a person who is queer, masculine of center. I'm non-monogamous, a sex worker, tons of other things. I put all of that together to hopefully give you a different view on life, if those aren't your normal wheelhouse, or if you're a queer person who doesn't know any other queers, or any other things. Hopefully what I have to say, based on things and the way I move through the world, will be helpful. I am born and raised in Columbia, South Carolina. I grew up with abstinence-only sex education, and it didn't work. I could see firsthand that that was not working. Lots of people around me were getting pregnant, so obviously the abstinence message was being lost on kids in my state. I moved out to the Bay Area of California, Northern California, in about 2010, which gave me the opportunity to connect with a bunch of folks here who are sex educators. There's a wealth of information and programs and different groups if you wanna be a sex educator and you wanna learn more to share and facilitate things, which is really, really exciting for me 'cause my joy is teaching. I love doing that, and I'm super glad that I moved out to the Bay Area and that I've had this opportunity. I am a service-oriented human. I like doing things for other people. It does not always mean I'm doing them without some sort of motivation for myself. I'm being honest. That service right now looks like doing as much sex and sexuality education as I possibly can because so many people still don't know the things, and some of 'em are very basic things, and so I appreciate the chance to do that. I have a degree in public relations. I'm a nationally certified trainer. I've actually been through a training program for sex educators here in the Bay Area. I can do the things, I have the paper that says I'm okay about doing the things that I may be slightly decent at. I am a member of the kink, leather and BDSM communities. I sort of figured out that sex is my kink, so I enjoy learning so much about sex. Not just how to do things, but anatomy, physiology of the body and why it behaves the way it does. I think it's all really interesting, especially when you are using that in the realm of sex education and bettering your own sex life. Hopefully with all of that, I'm able to give you accurate, nonjudgmental, trauma-informed information. Hopefully it'll be useful. This is one of those things where the conversation we could have would be really useful for me. A lot of the stuff that I talk about will be U.S.-centric, just because I don't spend very much time outside of the U.S. or outside of the continental North American area. A lot of it will be very U.S.-centric. If you have other things, if things are different in your area because you live, I don't know, in another country or something, I would love to hear about what your resources are, your access points are, how some of these things that I'll talk about play out in your culture or in your country or community. That'd be great for me. I have ADHD, so I bounce a lot sometimes. I'll try not to bounce, but right now I find myself sitting in a swivel chair, so I'll try real hard not to be all spinny. Swiveling is fun. Let's see. I love being on this site. It's an amazing site. I'm so glad that you guys are here to join us. This is an amazing platform to be able to do what is kinda like my passion, my heart thing, and to have so many of you out there be able to access this information free of charge. Seven days a week, there's someone on here doing something and sharing information. I think that's pretty awesome, and I really enjoy being a part of O.school because of that. If you haven't signed in to the chat, you need either a U.S. phone number or your email, and we'll send you a link. Log in to the chat. We can have this conversation thing. My whole goal of being a pleasure professional here at O.school is to help you raise your standards because no one should be having bad sex anymore. It shouldn't happen. We should be able to advocate for ourselves. That's what O.school's about. Here to help you unlearn some other things and learn some new very helpful things. I'm really excited to be a part of that. Also, there's a tip jar in the chat, chat area. You can tip pleasure professionals when you're watching streams and you're finding information useful, or you like the presentation style, whatever it is, it's one way to show your appreciation. Yeah, today we're gonna talk about fingering. It's interesting. Hello, Sun Woman and Jules. As a baby queer, that's kinda the only thing I learned to do. I identified as lesbian. Again, I'm from the Southeastern United States. I'm from a place that wasn't Atlanta. Atlanta has a really awesome, it's like the gay mecca in the South. It's got a bit more progressive lean to it, more services, more access, more queers. The kind of things that you find normally in Atlanta, you definitely don't find in Columbia, South Carolina. Learning to use your fingers, it's kind of the beginning of it all. But also, learning that you, we shouldn't follow the things that we've seen in porn. For us in the States, unfortunately, most of us have had access to porn. What you see in porn is not necessarily how things are done in real life. Just jackhammering someone's cunt is just not sexy for most people, at least not as a starting point. Whether that's with a penis or a dildo or your fingers, there's a process to all of this. The more you can get the brain and body to relax, the more pleasure the other person experiences, the less difficulties there will be and the less harm you can do to the body because you're not being too aggressive from the very beginning. I'm gonna cover things like communication and consent, hygiene, anatomy, and then different questions, ways to ask things about what you want. Starting off with communication and consent. We are not taught to ask for what we want very often. Living in the Bay Area, I've discovered parents who actually teach kids to have autonomy about their body, and very early on about what their physical being can be used for and how they want it to be used. They can advocate for themselves, or are taught to advocate for themselves in their autonomy, as well as their pleasure, very early on in life. Most of us didn't have that. We're not taught that. Especially if you're socialized female in the U.S., you're taught to be polite and respectful, and wait 'til the proper time to address anything. We're not really taught how to communicate with that. I can't really say being socialized, I don't know what it's like being socialized male, but I can't imagine, based on what's going on in our country now, that we've been getting the same messages. I think we've been getting very, very different messages. In an effort to bring that. When we're talking about, again, the mental parts of sex and how that is something that is really, really important, learning to talk to each other is super, super huge. It's incredibly scary. I'm absolutely aware of that. But using your words helps in a lotta different ways. One, it helps with relieving of stress for the other person and yourself. The other person, whether they know it on the top of their brain or not, you're asking them, you're talking to them, you're communicating about their desires, that helps them relax. They're answering your questions, giving you information. Now you kinda have a little bit of a roadmap, or at least some idea of where to start. It helps you relax. There's very little chance of miscommunication or less of a chance of miscommunication when you're actually talking to each other instead of trying to guess what's happening or what should happen or what the person wants and doesn't want based on body language. Body language is definitely something that you can bring into the mix to help you understand what's going on in that moment for a person. Most important would be actually using your words. The more you do this, the less difficult it becomes, but it's super hard in the beginning. It's hard to say, "I wanna do a thing to you. "Do you wanna have that done?" I know that sometimes people say that if you're asking about the thing, then it takes away the sexy of the thing. I would say different. I would argue that asking about the thing, saying about the thing, heightens the anticipation, heightens the awareness. This person knows that there's a thing on your mind that you'd like to do with them. That's lovely. That helps them, one, be able to tell you whether they do or don't wanna do that. Two, understand that you are capable of communicating. Again, it helps them relax. It's kind of an important part of it, once you learn to do that. You don't run into consent violations as often if you're actually speaking to one another, if you're actually talking to each other. It's pretty important. It helps everybody relax, get a good baseline of where you're going and it helps things settle down, it helps you ease into things. When I'm talking about communication, I'm not saying you have to dirty talk someone. I suck at dirty talking. It's not my jam. I don't know how to do it, I feel ridiculous doing it. That's not what I'm saying. When I'm talking about communication, I'm just like asking the person what it is or telling them or sharing with them what you're thinking. You don't have to dirty talk that. Just say those things. Those can be very sexy. It creates anticipation, lets them know they're being thought about in a very sexy way, which can also do great things for both of you. Again, if you haven't checked in to the chat yet, please join us there. I love having conversations with folks and sharing information. You can ask me direct questions in the chat so I can give you the information that you're actually looking for versus information I just think you might wanna hear. Talking about communication and consent, that is one thing. You can also do that, you can start talking ahead of time. While I do live streams and do presentations and things like that, in more intimate, personal settings, one on one with folks, I'm a lot shyer. Avenues of communication these days are plentiful. Being able to tell someone or ask someone something ahead of time, and then having their answer, getting their feedback and not actually standing face to face sometimes when I'm asking questions or doing things is really, really helpful for me. Communication doesn't always have to be face to face. Communicating ahead of time can be really, really awesome, as well, because then you have information about the person, what their desires are, how they're feeling about their body. It gives you a roadmap. It gives you a place to start. We're not talking about dirty talking someone, not that kinda communication, just basic, "Hey, wanted to check in about a thing." Very important is hygiene. If you are fortunate enough to be with someone who's allowing you to finger some orifice of their body, you wanna treat that in a very, with the respect that deserves. Start by making sure that you wash your hands. Wash your hands, scrub under your nails. Make sure that you have lotioned your hands if they're super rough 'cause some of us work with our hands. Hands can be rough. Remember that you're about to approach some pretty delicate tissue, so you wanna make sure that you take as good a care of yourself to provide a really good experience for the other person. Lotioning your hands. Cutting your nails. I think these are okay, this is an okay length, but cutting your nails is important, trimming your nails and making sure that you don't have any super sharp edges or anything like that, or really long nails. If you are a person that has long nails, really long nails, I know that some femmes like to have longer styled nails, what I would recommend if you do have long nails, though, is definitely wearing gloves, but putting a cotton ball at the tip of each finger of the glove that you're wearing. Then that way, the cotton balls fill in the space underneath the nail, under each nail, and so it's no longer sharp. It's all part of something that's a lot smoother and there's less opportunity for there to be some sort of damage caused. Check your cuticles. One of the things we don't think about are all the places on our own bodies where bacteria and germs can enter our body. Cuticles are prone to being split and cracked if we don't take care of them. Hi, Stephanie. If we don't take care of them, all of that around there. I just put lotion on a little while ago. Making sure that your nail beds and your cuticles are moisturized and that you don't have hangnails 'cause all of that is kind of, they can cause potential discomfort for the other person. Unless this is something that you've talked about and they like things in a more aggressive fashion or a rougher fashion, which is another thing you'd have to have a conversation about, be short. While I've said do all those things to your hands, I'm a big fan of barrier methods. I use barrier methods on, while I can't get anybody pregnant, I'm still gonna use barrier methods. I use condoms on my cocks and my other, my insertable toys. When I'm using my hands, I'm wearing gloves. If I'm doing something orally on someone, using Saran Wrap or a dental dam or something latex-like. I like Saran Wrap because I feel like it's thinner. I can feel warmth a lot faster and I can see what I'm doing. I'm a fan of barrier methods in all the things. When we're talking about you doing fingering, wearing gloves is huge. It makes a very big difference because all of those things that I was talking about earlier, your cuticles, length of your nails, whether you've got hangnails or things like that, all of those, while still important and you should do them anyway because you should, you can wear gloves. They come in a variety of colors, black and purple. I think I have pretty ones here. Wearing gloves. They come in all kinds of sizes. You can carry them around with you. I actually have a little pouch. I think it was Jizzly that I picked up this idea from. I have a tiny little pouch that lives in my backpack. It has gloves, condoms, packets of lube. If I wanna have a spontaneous moment with someone, I have all of the things I need for us both to be comfortable and be safe. Gloves are a really big help when you're doing anything with your fingers and inserting your fingers into someone else's body. They have a streamlined texture. They're usually pretty smooth. They've got a little tactile thing on the pad of the finger, usually, but that's not gonna cause a problem for someone. I also don't use latex gloves. I only carry nitrile gloves. Some people are allergic to latex, and a lot of 'em specifically to latex gloves. I don't know why, the body does what it does. I carry only nitrile gloves. I have them in my size. If I know I'm gonna be with someone that I want them to do something to me and they have a smaller hand, I'll try to make sure I have something that'll fit them, as well. Using gloves, also, even if you're using gloves or not, take off your rings ahead of time. Those can be quite uncomfortable when you're doing things. While you might think that you might not use fingers like this one or your thumb, you never know. You don't wanna have to stop because now you're causing an irritation that's super, super uncomfortable for someone. Take off a glove, take off the ring, and then re-glove. Save yourself some steps. Take off any sorta jewelry you have on your hands, as well. When you're using gloves, I feel like that's a lot smoother. It helps with barrier, as far as transfer of any sort of potential bacteria. You both are a lot safer. Oftentimes, one of the things, like some folks who are like, no, I don't like to use gloves on my hands. I like fingering or fisting anyone with just my bare hand, totally up to you. That is your choice and that's your decision. What I like to tell people to do sometimes is take just plain lemon, fresh lemon, and run it across. Cut it in 1/2 and rub it across, or just fresh lemon juice or some lemon juice, and stick your fingers in lemon juice and see what burns. Any of those spots that are burning are potential entryways for bacteria and things like that. It's a lot easier, it's a lot safer, also easier cleanup. I'm a big fan of gloves. With anything entering anyone's body, I'm a big fan, also, of using lube. I know that there's a common misconception that if someone is turned on enough, then their body will be lubricated enough to show that, that they're turned on enough by you. That's not necessarily the case. There's so many reasons why the body may not lubricate, may not self-lubricate or lubricate enough: hydration level, amount of exercise you've had in a day, what you've eaten in a day, are you taking any sort of medications are you on diuretics, whatever. There's a ton of different reasons why someone's body may not be like super wet or produce a lotta lubrication. It's not about whether they're attracted to you. Because if you're at a point where you've got gloves on, you've had some conversations, they are attracted to you. It has nothing to do with their level of attraction. It's just the body is different and it performs differently. Being nervous is another reason why the body may not self-lubricate as much as you would like. Lube takes away that all together. It's just a standard part of how I function. Even if someone is very wet, I will still use lube just because lubrication, adding lube to it will last longer, it doesn't dry out as fast. There's so many types of lube out there now. I'm such a fan of silicone lube, but enjoying fisting and playing with cocks and being penetrated, it lasts the longest to me, it's very, very slick. One of the reasons some people don't like it is because it does last so long. However, if silicone lube is not your jam, there are water-based lubes, there are hybrid silicone/water-based ones, there are some that are a cream lube, some that are clear. There are a whole series of natural lubes that have no chemicals in them. A lot of those are also paraben-free and scent-free, so if your body is one of those bodies that doesn't like some of the other products out there that are scented or have parabens or anything like that, you've got options. If you're seeing someone. As an ethically non-monogamous person, hookups are fun for me and I enjoy them, but I like being prepared. Not knowing, necessarily. I'm not trying to find a hookup every day that I go out, but if I go out and find a hookup, I wanna be able to do all the things that I wanna do without too much stress. I carry packets of varying lubes, water-based, silicone and usually something that is a natural one just because bodies are different and I wanna be able to offer to someone something that is good for their body, something they feel comfortable with or close to what they really, really enjoy. Using some sort of lube. There is so many different ones out there. If you wanted to try a bunch of different ones, they make them in smaller bottles so you can try them with your partner, try them on yourself, see what feels really good, what you don't like, what causes irritation, which you really wanna avoid. That's always a good thing to start and that's a good place to start is thinking about what kinda lubrication you wanna use. What is it that you are going to do, and how your body functions and how your person's body functions. I'm currently looking for my anatomy sheet. Of course, ah, yes, aha. When we're talking about anatomy, externally, you're looking at all of this. Even though you're fingering, you generally wanna take things slow and steady. In anything, whether it's fingering, penetration with a cock or a toy of some sort, slow and steady. Slow and steady will always get you better results that just ramming things in there. It often makes people uncomfortable, it's super intense feeling for some people. It's very different if you've had a conversation and someone says that that's what they want, but generally speaking, start off slow and steady. It's also good for you because then you can get a layout of the person's body, feel where things are, see what kinda sensations, what things you're doing creates some sort of response. When you're looking at the body, you're looking at the mons right there. You've got the outer lips, inner lips, vaginal opening. The clit is here. It's also got the clitoral hood over it. Some people's hoods are longer or shorter, so you wanna find out ahead of time if you can. Before you touch someone, ask how sensitive they are, ask what kind of touch they enjoy, what's good for them, what feels good. You're gonna play with all of the things. The more time you spend getting someone aroused, you'll start to watch all this get engorged and these, as well, the more receptive they are to when you actually do end up penetrating them. Thinking about just give yourself some time. Especially if it's something that's new to you, this is a great way to give yourself a little bit of time and sort of settle into this, get a rhythm with the person that you're with, before you even do anything. Remembering that it's not just that when you're fingering someone, you're not just going straight for the vaginal opening. You actually wanna spend some time with all the rest of the body. Definitely spend some time on the clit. Don't just go straight for this. This organ is one of a kind in any sort of body in that it is the only organ in the human body that's solely designed for pleasure. Pay some attention to it. I think you get good responses if someone, if they want clitoral stimulation, that is something that they will let you know if you talk to them about it. Follow their instructions, follow their guidelines, their map, to what it is they like. If they can tell you those things, it's in your best interest to incorporate it. It helps them feel seen and helps you have a little bit more knowledge and a little more confidence in the moment that you're about to have or that you're having with that person. When you're talking about entering a body, we were talking about the vaginal opening. That would be here. Whoops, wait, there, there we go. The vaginal opening is here. When you're going in with fingers, you're going into this tissue, the vaginal canal. Also in the vaginal canal, right somewhere around here is generally the G-spot, which is a great spot to work on once you get your fingers inside someone. But remembering that you wanna spend time doing things will all, stimulating all of this before you try to insert your fingers into someone's body. Again, it's that you wanna take everything into account. You wanna take the entire area into account before you start to insert fingers into someone's body. I know I've said a couple of times about communication and asking questions. I also said that we're not talking about dirty talking someone and asking questions. You don't have to do things like, that's not what we're going for. We're going for information, we're going for something that's super simple, clear and easy for everyone. When we're talking about communication, what I'm thinking, I'll give you examples of. I'll give you not examples, but kind of a little bit of an outline that you can follow to get information, gain consent, to show a way of making that connection and getting started. First thing, tell the person that you'd like to do this thing to them. Say that you've been thinking about this thing, you've been thinking about fingering them and you'd really like to touch them. Then actually ask them if that's okay, if they would enjoy that, if they'd like that, if that's something they're interested in. Go from there. If they say yes, they'd like that, then ask them how they'd like to be touched. Again, you're saving time 'cause a lotta times we're trying to do things and we're so rushed for time. We can either spend so much time just hanging out and trying to do the things, or rushing through things and missing moments. Asking each other and talking with each other how you like something done is a great way to get a bunch of information at one time, and not have to take too long to get that information. It's direct, it's sexy in that you're asking not only their consent, but what pleases them. That's a huge thing. I know that when people ask my what I like or what I want, it's incredibly shy-making, but it also makes me feel very much seen and appreciated. All of this revolves around being a good, decent human, and this communication pattern is a good way to set that foundation and make the other person, have the other person feel super comfortable and do things with you. Once they tell you what they like, do the things that they say they like, incorporate it. You don't have to start out with just that, like A, B, C and D, but do things, touch their body, see what kinda responses you get, and incorporate the things that they've said into what you're learning in that moment. They feel comfortable, again, because not only have you asked if you could, you asked how. Now you've actually incorporated, you've listened to what they said and incorporated what they have told you into what you're doing. Those are pretty big bonus points there. I'm a big fan of not making the goal to be orgasm. If I'm doing G-spot stuff with someone, it's not my goal to make them squirt or have ejaculation. That's not my goal. My goal is to have some fun and help them have a pleasurable experience. It's not necessarily about having an orgasm. If they do, that is fantastic. I'm not gonna be mad about that. But my goal isn't that. I don't make it goal-oriented because it's less stress for me. Because I'm a person that likes to be of service to folks, it's stressful, it would be more stressful for me to make that the goal because you never know what's going on in someone's brain, their day, how that's been going. Enjoying your time together should always be the goal. Everything else after that is just amazing and a bonus. When we're talking about fingering, as I was saying earlier, working around all of the outside, exterior. Make sure I've got that in the right place. Making sure that you can see the exterior. After stimulating all of the things, then slowly starting to enter the vaginal canal. I'm a big fan of just touching around the vaginal opening and just stimulating that. You can feel the muscles start to contract and move. You can see the body is opening up more. Slow and steady. Try thinking about the vaginal opening as it were a clock, with 12 at the top, six at the bottom. Just sort of working your way around clockwise. Just stimulating all of the nerves. You'll start to see the body relax even more. Then starting out, if you're going to start penetrating someone, start with one finger. I have incredibly long fingers, and I know that, so I'm aware. If you are a person who was assigned male at birth, oftentimes your hands can be bigger, or at least thicker, so starting out with one finger and incredibly slowly. You're gonna start with maybe getting to that first knuckle and just penetrating that far. The body will adjust, the person will adjust. You're just looking at this. Still doing that clockwise motion. You don't have to do it continuously. This is a not a step-by-step guide. This is just some of the things that I have learned will be super helpful, which is based on experience and actual anatomy of things. Just moving your finger around clockwise, again, slowly, and watching the body adjust and adapt. If you're paying attention, the body will tell you when it wants more. Following the body and the person, as well. Ask how they feel. If they are trying to push down more onto your fingers, that generally is letting you know they want more. But if they're doing that before you do it, ask them if they want more. That's another one of those points of sexy talk that doesn't have to be dirty talk. Just asking if they want more. Generally, they're gonna respond affirmatively with an urgency that's a little bit different. Then moving forward, putting more in lengthwise, but just one finger. Then fingering with just one finger just so the body acclimates to having them penetrated so you get a feel of the internal anatomy of the other person. It gives everything a bit of time to settle, everyone's brain settles, the body starts to feel hot, everybody's kinda on the same page. Then you can move forward. Then if the person is comfortable, if the body, 'cause one of the things is some people have told me before that they're really small or they're super tight. What I've discovered is I listen to their bodies a lot. I talk to them, ask them questions, but I'm listening to their body. Their body is opening up and being incredibly receptive. I follow that, along with talking with someone. Using two fingers, starting, again, pulling out again and going to the first knuckle. Then slowly going back inside. Once you've got two fingers in, you can stretch your fingers apart and move around in different ways to see what really works for someone, what gets a really good response, what gets a wince. Many people, their vaginal canal is shallow, so it's not very long, and you end up hitting the cervix when you do that. Some people have a really sensitive cervix in a bad way, so they're liable to flinch or say that, "That's really uncomfortable," or, "Not so deep." If you can feel the cervix and you get a "not so deep," just back down a little bit. But just sort of navigating around to see what you can feel, what gets someone aroused, what gets a better response, a more active response. Also, turning your fingers over, turning your hand so that your palm is up, and then reaching inside and pulling forward like that. My fingers are long, so that's why that one looks absurdly off to the side, like it's too far. It's just long, I just have long fingers. Doing that, you can usually feel a different type of texture in the tissue in the roof of the vaginal canal. In that spot, if you were to run your fingers back and forth, you'll start to feel it swell. That's the G-spot. You'll start to feel the swelling. I'm a big fan of not just going up and down the middle of that 'cause that can be a lot of pressure and a lotta sensation for someone. So not just up and down the middle, but spread your fingers out a little bit, just go out, spread your fingers out until you get to the edge of the ridged material, the ridged tissue, and then just go back and forth from time to time. It depends on the response from the other person. If the person is being really enthusiastic and wants that more, do what it is that's bringing them that joy. Do what it is that got that clench of the sheets for you. Doing that and going different sizes. Like I said, I have really long fingers, so I'm a really big fan of taking things slow and not trying to do more than is necessary in that moment. Not trying to rush a moment, either. One of the other things is that people often have said to me their body is small, they can't really handle much, but their body's asking me for more. It's making space. Trust me, you'll know when you feel it. Literally there's room being made. You're like, okay. Working slowly using another third finger is often pretty hot for a lotta people. Some people are really actually very small and tight, so a third finger is too much. Again, if you see a wince, stop moving. Don't necessarily yank your hand out, just stop moving and ask them, "Is that okay? "Is that too much"? "What's the deal?" They'll usually be able to respond and let you know what kind of adjustment you need to make. Make that adjustment. If they're saying that three fingers is too much for them, believe them. Take one finger away and go back to what you were doing, and help the body relax, get back to that spot of this is enjoyable, this is pleasurable, and that they're being listened to and they're being heard. That is definitely the way to do that. Continue contact, continue communication. Even though you're focusing on the thing, if you notice the body shift or something change, ask about that, ask what that's about. For some people, shift and change means they actually want more. Sometimes you feel the body not expanding and they say they want more. Saying, "I hear you. "I want to do that. "It doesn't feel like that. "Your body is telling me that that's not necessarily "the thing it wants right now." If they say continue, it generally means they know their body and they are capable of handling it. You've made them aware, you've asked questions, you've got consent before you did anything. That's another way to do that. Listen to the person you're with. They know their body. Or the other thing is that you're exploring bodies together, which is a really wonderful thing to do. You can do that. It doesn't matter if you are single, if you're non-monogamous, it doesn't matter if you're a long-term married partner, exploring each other's bodies like that is always a really good way to come back to center and focus with each other because bodies change. Especially if you've been in a long-term relationship, things shift and change in how we feel. What once maybe felt good to us maybe doesn't feel good anymore. There's a new thing that we like. Or something we said we never wanted to do is really, really appealing. Having those moments where you start off with something basic, like fingering, and exploring and talking with one another about what that looks like and what that feels like for each of you is really good. It's a great reconnection device. Also really sexy, really fun. On the scale of what can you do in a short amount of time without turning all, without making a giant evening evening, fingering is still one of those things that is super intimate, often because it allows you to still have face-to-face contact if you wanna do that, and be able to talk and connect with one another. Fingering is another way to continue having intimate times without. It's also one of those great things you can do for sneaky times. If you're parents and you have kids in the house, it's one of those things you can do pretty quickly. Shut a bathroom door, get going, have some fun. It's a really awesome sort of let's sneak and do a thing without there being the risk of too much exposure or being caught with, literally, your pants down. I think it's another one of those things that can be hot and fun. You can add to the list of things that you do together. It's just another one of those tools that makes happiness and it helps things grow and continue. Definitely talking with one another, again. Also remembering that when we're talking about things from a trauma-informed perspective, if someone has had trauma in their life, and it doesn't really matter what sex assignment they had at birth, many of us experience trauma. When people are being intimate or forming intimate bonds or connections and they have a traumatic past, slow and steady is definitely a really good way. If we're talking penetrative acts, it may be something like being penetrated with a cock or a dildo is just a little too much too fast for them. Learning to start with something like fingering and communicating, whether you know someone has a trauma in their past or not. When I talk about trauma-informed, it's like making behaviors for yourself that allow space for the possibility that something else could have happened to someone else and creating a way to move through the world that supports them in that trauma and supports in not re-traumatizing them. Communication is often one of the best ways to do that. When you're trying to build a connection, especially if this is a relationship you wanna have that's long term, one of the things that you can do, while it's a stand-alone thing, but if it's someone you're working through a trauma with, they are working through a trauma, having penetrative sex with your fingers versus a dildo or a factory-installed cock might be far more comfortable for that person. You still have an intimate connection, you still get to have sexy fun times. They get to feel confident in sharing with you. The more comfortable they become, the more space there can be for other activities. But this is something that's really good and it helps people just settle in and connect without feeling super pressured or worried or scared. What else? Da-da-da-da-da-da. Someone was asking about finding someone's G-spot. I said earlier, reaching in, it's about, mm, I'm gonna say five centimeters in. Again, it's that ridged tissue that is, it feels different than all the other tissue in the vaginal canal, and it's usually at the top, in the roof of the vaginal canal. Reach in about five centimeters and you're gonna start to feel something that's softer, spongier and it has a texture to it that's different. That would be the G-spot. Exploring all of the vaginal canal to see what's different, what feels different before you even touch that. I find it fairly easy to find, but again, I have really long fingers. I don't think it's that far, but if you have shorter fingers, it might feel like it could be. That's what you're looking for. That's the area, the feel, the texture of the G-spot. You may not find it initially. If you're going on a G-spot exploration with someone and you're talking about, well, I wanna find my G-spot, I'd like to work on that, sometimes you might not find it immediately. It may take a couple times just because the body, when we're stressed, when we're talking about things, until we're comfortable, our body will do whatever it wants to do. You may not be able to feel or find that tissue. The more someone is relaxed, the more comfortable they are with you and what you're doing, the more you'll be able to find those sorts of things. Definitely communicating with folks and asking for directions. They should, ideally, know their body. I should, ideally, know my body better than other people do. They can give you the roadmap a lot faster. Ask questions, it's okay. Somebody had asked previously, "How would someone use a vibrator "in combination with fingering?" I think this is a fantastic thing. Using a vibrator externally on your clit or just the entire, this whole mons area here, using a vibrator, especially Hitachis have such a strong sensation that they're good for going through tissue and things like that. If you held one right above here or right on your clit while you're being fingered or fingering yourself, I think it's a fantastic combination of things to do that generally works pretty well. The sensation is interesting because you're now getting the fingering from inside and the pressure from outside and vibration from outside combine to make a really, really amazing sensation. If it's something that you're into and you really like strong sensations, I highly recommend it, and that's one way you could do it. What else do we have here? Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. "Is there a recommended and safe type of lube to use?" Again, lube use depends on the body you're using it on. Each body is different, so hopefully they already know, the body that you're using this on, they have their own lube. There's everything from your standard silicone lube to hybrid lubes to all-natural ones. My favorite silicone brand personally is Gun Oil. I don't really have a hybrid. Gun Oil actually has a whole plethora of things, water-based, hybrids, all the things. I generally like the traditional Gun Oil. There is also Uberlube and Swiss Navy. Those are also some silicone ones that I like. As far as natural lubes, there's a line called Sliquid. They have a variety of types of textures. Composition is water-based, cream, all these different things, and it's natural. No parabens and things like that. It depends on the person's body. Like I said, I'm a big fan of using barrier methods on your hands. If you were somehow using latex gloves and using something other than. Again, we're in a hurry and things are getting hot and heavy, all you can find is baby oil, it seems like a good lubricant. No, don't do it. Baby oil is probably not, it is not the thing that you wanna use on the inside of your body. It's not good. If you're going to be using condoms on your body, if you've got baby oil on your body, it's a petroleum-based thing, so it will break down the latex eventually. That's gonna be a bad thing. Avoid things that aren't designed for sex. Don't use peanut butter, don't use olive oil. A lotta people have been using coconut oil. I understand it helps for some people who have imbalance in the floral makeup in their body. It helps some people, but I'm not a big fan of it. I don't really use it. Again, silicone lube is one of my favorites because it's so long lasting, it does all the things. Those are pretty awesome to me. Oh, before we go, we've only got maybe 10 more minutes. If you wanna ask more questions, if you were too shy to jump into the chat or you couldn't basically because internet, different countries, things, you can find me in a couple places online. I have a safe-for-work Twitter, which is QWilsonCA, like California. I have a not-so-safe-for-work Twitter, which is _qsip_. Facebook, I am Q Wilson on Facebook. Kinda sense a pattern. If you wanna send me an email, you can email me at q, the letter q, @dirtyblaq, B-L-A-Q, 'cause I'm Q, boy, B-O-I, not y, .com. That's going to be a website I'll pull up, I'm in the process of creating. But yes, send me an email there if you'd like. I'd love to hear your questions. Definitely give me some feedback. I'm always open to that. Suggestions for topics, things you'd like to hear, definitely let me know that. Last few minutes, let's see what we got going on. Da-da-da-da-da. Someone was saying they have ADHD and they struggle with focusing during masturbating and sex. "Do you have any tips for getting "and staying focused for the whole time?" My tips for staying focused when it comes to sex and masturbating, for just about anybody, but as an ADHD human, music. I like background music. If I have something on in the background, then my brain, it has something else to work with, so I can focus on what I wanna focus on in that moment. Also, don't stress if your brain drifts away. If your body's having a really good time, your brain might very well drift, and that's okay. It's just making yourself come back to that and making sure that you're not just drifting off and not being, that you're not dissociating. That you're there, periodically checking in with the person. Enjoying that feeling and the sensations is fantastic, you should do it. It's okay to relax. It's okay to not be communicative every second. It's okay to just really be present in your body and feel that connection, feel the stimulation, feel all the things. For me, putting music on in the background helps me, and not TV 'cause TV has people talking and there's a thing going on, a plot. I generally try not to have the TV on in the background. I generally like music. Music helps me focus. The other distractable parts of my brain are distracted by the music, and the rest of me can focus. I'm a big fan of that. Or blindfolds, that's another way to focus. Taking away the ability to have one of your senses definitely helps. Being blindfolded is very easy, very quick and it's inexpensive. You don't have to go out to JT's Stockroom and buy the biggest, baddest leather mask or hood. Have a bandana, have a scarf, fold it over. Ta-da, blindfold. Blindfolds or music are two of the things that I highly recommend. I'd love to know what other people do if you have time or the spoons to tell me about that. Hit me up, let me know. Let's see what else. We talked about all the things. Let's see, what was it in the description? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Communication and safety. Definitely knowing, again, basics. Thinking about communication is always important. The more communication you have, the more comfortable everyone's going to be. While it may seem counterintuitive to ask questions in a moment like that, it's really, really good to do so. Then there's no miscommunication. You're less stressed about what you should do to a person, and know exactly what they want. That gives you a roadmap to start with. You can detour and branch that out however you'd like. Taking care of your personal hygiene. Again, making sure that your nails and your hands are clean. Your nails are not super sharp or long. That you don't have sharp corners on your nails. Don't have hangnails. You've moisturized your cuticles. While it sounds really, really gay, it's not. It means that you're taking care of your body. It's your body, so you should take care of it. Even with all of that, taking care of your nails and all of those sorts of things, I'm a big fan of barrier methods. Wearing gloves when you're fingering someone can often help because it feels very different. There's a much smoother texture. There's less worry about whether there's going to be a hangnail or something catching. It smooths out all the rough spots, so that's really, really awesome. I think it's a huge thing. Remembering that it's not just the vaginal openingthat you're going for, that you've got all of that real estate in front of you. Stimulate all of it. Take your time and explore. Ask questions. Tease the person, even, and see what kind of responses you get. Don't forget that there's, the clitoris is right there. It's meant for pleasure. Don't ignore it. It helps you get a lotta mileage outta things. It helps the other person feel very aroused, very stimulated. Some people are really good and have, are really good with having clitoral orgasms, some people are not. Some people don't like that because it's too intense, but some people are. But still, enjoying everything. Paying attention to all the parts of someone, of that being, before you try to go straight in 'cause slow and steady generally wins the race. Don't forget to ask about what they want. When they answer you, incorporate that into what you're doing with them. Let them know that you heard them. That's pretty important. Don't make it just orgasm focused. Not fingering, not penetrative sex, anything. Enjoy the experience, enjoy the exchange. Don't worry about whether someone is coming or not. If you stress yourself about that, then energetically it can come across to the other person. I know that sounds like bullshit. Promise, it can happen, it does happen. You can sense it. It's like when someone's being fake. You can sense when they're stressed, they can sense when you're stressed. The more you're communicating, the less you're focused on making orgasm the goal of whatever it is you're doing, the easier it is to have that journey and to explore. Enthusiastic consent is always sexy. Learning to say, "Yes, please," is really, really hot. It is a definite. Not just a mm-hm or whatever, it's a very clear and enthusiastic way to let your partner know that you want what they're doing, it's exciting to you and they have your permission to continue. Let me know if there's anything else you wanna know about fingering. Send me an email, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter. It has been fantastic spending time with you guys today. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening. Thanks whoever tipped, thanks. You guys are awesome. Happy Pride Month. It's Pride Month in the U.S. Happy Pride to all of you. Remember, pride started as a riot, not a parade. Have a good one. Bye.

Fingering 101

Date
Thu
Jun 14, 2018
|
1:00 pm
|
Calendar
Thursday, June 14, 2018
|
1:00 pm

Finesse your fingering skills in this live stream! Good finger sex is super hot. Get the facts on vulva anatomy and how to explore the sweet spots with your fingers and guide your partners there. You'll get tips on technique, communication and safety.

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