Did I Cum?

Everyone experiences an orgasm differently, and the sensation can vary from session to session. Some don’t experience it at all. But regardless if you do or do not cum, there are always techniques you can learn to increase your pleasure during sex. 

In this stream, sex educator Mia Little talks about pleasure and how it can relate to the orgasm, how to build pleasure and make it stronger, and the types of orgasms you can have. 

First, it’s important to recognize that sex does not need to be orgasm-focused. Instead, it can be pleasure-focused. Reframing the orgasm so it’s not the goal of sex can lift performance anxiety and help you be more present with yourself and partner(s). 

To be primed for pleasure, your mind and body must connect so you can feel comfortable and aroused. Arousal is a mental state that can manifest physically: hard nipples, wet vagina, erect penis, etc. Listen to bodily cues — maybe your body is telling you masturbation is working for you right now, maybe it’s not. Pay attention to your heart rate and breathing. Be mindful of the kind of touch, positions and stimulation you’re comfortable with and wanting. 

Little then discusses some techniques for strengthening your orgasm, such as edging. This is a type of “orgasm denial” that anyone can practice, even if you’ve never orgasmed before. Edging is when you approach your uppermost threshold of pleasure,” but then either pause or switch actions to slightly lessen the intensity, then build up the pleasure again. You may do this several times before letting the stimulation spill over to orgasm. The act of intensifying and denying pleasure over and over can make the orgasm that much stronger when it finally does happen. 

Another way to strengthen pleasure is to be aware of your breathing and what’s going on physiologically as you’re approaching orgasm. If you are practicing edging, slow your breathing as you’re getting close, and then, as it approaches, let yourself have faster, harder breathing. You can also try holding your breath and then releasing to control the tension in the body. This can give you a stronger sensory experience. 

“There's so much power in just focusing on the different parts of your body that is having a physiological experience of pleasure and connectedness and intimacy and all that,” says Little. 

Now, think about what kind of orgasm you want. Do you want a layered experience, like with edging? Do you want gentle bubbling, rippling, etc.? Do you want a clitorial orgasm, g-spot orgasm, prostate orgasm, penetrative orgasm, anal orgasm? Do you want to use a toy, do you want a partner? All these different types of orgasms can create different sensations and there are so many techniques to practice for each one. 

The best way to figure out what works and doesn’t work for you is to simply explore and practice. Exploration can happen by yourself, with a toy, with a partner, with porn — with whatever makes you feel happy and comfortable. Just remember, sex is about pleasure. An orgasm is just a happy byproduct of that pleasure.

Video transcript

So let's get started y'all. And again, at any point in time you feel the need to share a question, comment, or concern just type it in the chat box. I will get to it and be mindful that if you don't want me to read something out loud, say, hey, read this, answer it, don't read it out loud, I probably won't use names unless you're just not. Okay, so safer space guidelines, let's begin. So number one, confidentiality. Whatever I say in the chat, in the live stream, you are welcome to share. You can share this live stream on social media, you can post about it, you can tweet about it, whatever you like, whatever I say is fine. The stuff in the chat box, be mindful of repeating that and be mindful of me reading it out loud, if you're down for me to share, let me know. Otherwise I'll just say someone in the chat said this, to at least get some distance from identifying folks. And again you have the opportunity of changing your chat name as well, for a layer of privacy. Don't yuck someone's yum. I'm not really interested in shaming anyone's desires or needs or wants or curiosities or anything about them that they're carrying here. I want it, I want this to be an open space where we can just be ourselves and ask honest questions, have honest conversations about the things that are important to us. And shame really is a barrier for that. Use I statements, avoid generalizations is another safer space guideline. When I speak, I want it to be very clear for y'all, I'll reiterate this again, that I'm speaking from my lived experience. I'm going to avoid speaking for groups of people even though I identify as many identities, and I'll speak to, speak for everyone who has similar identities as me or should _ as me and I expect the same of the folks chatting in the chat and this is my favorite safer space guideline I think it's super duper important, I want y'all to set your boundaries, I want y'all to listen to when your body and your mind say, hey this doesn't sit well with me I need to take space from it. I do live streams about healing from sexual trauma, domestic violence and all these things where there can be some heavy topics. In this stream, I don't really get into that sort of stuff but again always and forever, that's what your boundaries because I want you to honor yourselves whatever that looks like, okay. So you've heard the content and content warning are be mindful that when we talk about this and we'll be talking about masturbation. I'm gonna be talking about sex and many different forms of sex, as tied to penis and vagina sex, but I'm also gonna be talking about that. I will touch a little on sexual trauma particularly the reclamation of sensations after sexual trauma. Yeah Hi, Hello Hannah. Welcome. Glad you could be here and that's okay. Anyways, the content warning that's just a very general content warning. Those are the typical themes we are talking about. I will be talking about pleasure. I will be talking about orgasms and timing back did I comment the title, investigating, understanding the experiences that unfold in your body and making sense of that and making meaning of that and putting meaning to that. So who am I? Hello, I'm Mia Little. I don't think I've said that yet on this live stream. But Hello, I'm Mia. I am a gender queer person, my pronouns are they, them, she, hers. I will be referring to my body because I'm speaking from my lived experiences. So for full disclosure, I have a front hole, I refer to it as pussy, I refer to it as a vagina, I'm really comfortable calling it a pussy. Just so y'all know, that's how I'll be referring to my front hole. And I also acknowledge that everyone has different language for their parts, And I want you to assert that, and feel free to use that language when you're chatting and whatnot. And I want to acknowledge my privilege. So I exist and have several privileges by nature of the different systems and hierarchies that exist, so I'm able bodied, I'm pretty privileged, I have privilege in my SES con S... socioeconomic status and higher education and whatnot. So I am speaking from that place, but I'm going to do my best to make this content as equitable and open and accessible for folks. Hi, Jakes welcome. Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you could join us. I hope the stream is going well for you and parents. That's quite a long ways away. Yes, thank you. So I'm gonna interact with you folks. And I know that there is a lag. So when I ask a question, I'm gonna leave a little bit of time for y'all to fill in your answers. And I may continue on with my content and go back to those answers. I'm letting you know, so you don't think I'm ignoring your chat. I'm just letting you know the logistics of technology and the mechanics of this live stream, okay. And I want to open this live stream with a conversation about pleasure. Because for me, I just taught a live stream yesterday called orgasm anarchy. That's focused on decentering the orgasm as the only goal in sex, right in sexual intimacy. So my refrain was, focus on the pleasure, focus on being present, focus on the meaning that the experience gives to you. Because too often, over fixating on orgasm can actually be an impediment to being present with pleasure, okay. So that being saidcan you describe to me in your own words what pleasure means to you? What does pleasure mean? When you think of the concept of pleasure what comes up for you? How would you describe it to someone if you're trying to share how you think about pleasure? What is that? What is the medium through which you're experiencing that? What, how would you describe that experience? What is that? Actually meant to get some cards, that's okay I will use them in another stream. For I was gonna do shameless plug of another educator here, but I don't have the cards in front of me. They are tea and empathy cards which are really cool, I think, could be me. I wish I could show you, unless Justin, is it okay if I run real fast and get my props? Is that allowed? Let me know. So your task is to tell me how you conceptualize pleasure. Okay, so for me, I'm gonna share since there's a bit of air time for that. The way I think about pleasure is that it is a positive body-mind experience. So it is something positive, enriching, nourishing, rejuvenating, that is experienced in my body, in my physiology, and also something that is positive in my mind experience. Standby, I'm gonna get those props. Give me a second. Awesome Thank you for being so patient. Okay, hello. I am back, hey. And there was some input while I ran and grabbed my props, Okay. So liberation, connection, sensual touch, trust and exploration. I love that. I love that, okay. I definitely agree that pleasure has those threaded to it, I feel like the experience of pleasure for everyone is like this unique tapestry of all the scripts and experiences and input from stimuli and media becoming this definition. It's not just one thing. So I wanted to share with y'all Tea and Empathy. Okay, so these cards are specific to emotions. There are like, I think, 150 different emotions. And since pleasure for me, and sexual pleasure for me is does just have layers of emotion. I like going through these cards, and pulling out feelings that are attached to my conceptualization of pleasure. And this is how I conceptualize it in the emotional realm. Let me find some good ones. Yeah, and again, these cards are called tea and empathy, you can just google it, they're by Kate Kenfield, they're pretty amazing. And they're not just, I guess, quote unquote, "positive emotions" it's a whole range. And you can use these beyond what I'm showing you. But when I try to think of the experiences that have emotions embedded in it, these cards are a very useful tool to figure out exactly what feelings are tied to these experiences. So when I think of pleasure, like pleasure in my recreational, purely for me, where I feel like it's really real and genuine and authentic, I can be present and be wholly myself in the moment I feel excited, I feel thrilled and stimulated and enthusiastic in my pleasure. I, and this is pleasure in regard to interpersonal pleasure, not self pleasure when I'm just by myself. Intimacy, I feel open and vulnerable and familiar and connected with the person I am having this sexual pleasurable experience with and also myself when I'm masturbating. And I feel desirable. This is really essential to the interpersonal connections I have sexually. I want to feel this mutual desire. And again, emotions and experiences, you can have like similar experiences all throughout your life, the different emotions attached to that can be different. So it helps me go through and see what feelings are attached to this specific instance of experience. So it's really cool. I really like these. These are awesome. I can't recommend them enough. There's countless ways of using them. So I love this resource. It's really been so helpful and figuring out what feelings are attached to experiences. Welcome, Mandy, welcome. Hello, Cammie welcome. Feel free to make yourself at home and we're just speaking on conceptualizing pleasure. So for me, it is like positive body mind experience. Right? And we will get to orgasms. I promise in our time, we will. But for some folks, when it comes to opening up and being present and real with ourselves. Sometimes we can carry a feeling of awkwardness that comes from somewhere, that can be an impediment, a barrier, a hindrance to an experience and I want to clarify too if awkwardness is manifesting as a feeling as like an alarm bell as a signal of Hmm, this doesn't feel good or safe. I want folks to listen to that too, and have that inform their consent and of the yes or no, so listen to that, and I want folks to follow back. Where does this awkwardness come from? When I think of awkwardness, particularly in relation to masturbation. Sometimes I can come from not being 100% comfortable with our bodies, feeling clumsy or clunky or not quite settled or at home in our bodies. And that can manifest as awkwardness. Awkwardness can also stem from insecurity about feeling sexual, or even sexy. You know, it's like, what, why am I doing this? Why am I having this sexual experience? And that can come from different scripts and values and discourses that are presented to us from the media, particularly for folks who are femme. There's a lot of stigma and judgment, linked in sex negativity, linked to that sort of self pleasure and pleasure in general. And awkwardness can also come from an experience in sexual intimacy, either solo masturbation or partnered intimacy. So I want y'all folks because these are totally natural feelings, feeling awkward or unsure or uncomfortable about our bodies and our sexuality, these are absolutely normal. And I encourage y'all to trace back pull that thread, where does that come from? Does it come from? Is that like a signal for danger? Or is that a signal that maybe my relationship to my body can be a bit better, maybe I can love myself a little bit more, be a bit more gentle with myself, be more accepting and willing of myself to be vulnerable, and go there and go to the sexual places. So just to get the awkwardness I can sometimes, slow down the process of arousal. So two mean frames, I want to approach orgasms by like the mind framework. So the psychological, the mental, the social experience of pleasure, and the framework of the body. So the physiological experience of pleasure, what's going on with your heart? What's going on with your muscles? What's going on with your pelvic floor? What's going on with your blood? Slow your breathing, your hands, where's tension and release happening? There's the things. And before an orgasm, what do we need? Does anyone know? Trick questions, very open ended. What do we need for sex to happen? Very open. I'm curious where this goes. I'm going to get some time to get my answer and chatter in your answers too, I am so curious, I learned so much from folks chiming in, as well. So for me, an essential step before even thinking about orgasm, is arousal; is like getting into the right state where you're primed to have pleasure, sex, intimacy, connectedness, set the stage set yourself up for this experience, right? So get aroused first because it's definitely hard to perform. I am a performer in adults_house a webcam in the sexual arena. Yes. Oh, I love these answers. But let me finish my thought because I get very excited I'm like sometimes I'll be performing on webcam and I find that I am able to have orgasms and pleasure without this really personal setup and arousal stage because I'm performing for other people. The pleasure that I'm having is actually lit the bit people are consuming. And that's like radically different from when I self stimulate and masturbate for me, purely for myself. I'm very mindful of how comfortable my bed is out and that's me remember, how comfortable my bed is the temperature has to be right, the lighting has to be not too dark not too bright, my sheets should be comfy, sometimes I'm like, things like that they are different everyone has a different idea as to what their environment and what that state, getting into that state of arousal looks like. So Justin has shared before orgasms before sex, safety, comfortability, trust, correct! I really think that particularly resonates with interpersonal pleasure and interpersonal exchanges of sexual intimacy and I think they're definitely that also definitely speaks to solo stuff like safety, I'm not I'm probably not gonne be masturbating in environment where I feel like I'm in danger that does not turn me on that's not awesome. Comfortability, 100%. I love being super comfortable. I definitely associatehaving sex with comfort and that's pretty essential for me to put my walls down and trust. I think for me, the trust in regard to the solo stuff is trusting myself to listen to the cues my body and my mind gives. If my body, is something that my mind, in my experience, my psychological, mental, social or emotional experience was like, hey, maybe masturbating isn't awesome right now. But stop, I need to trust myself to listen to that, it's developing this relationship with yourself to listen to the cues your body gives, because I think so often we are encouraged to ignore this cues, to push through, to tough it out. But when you're giving yourself the gift of pleasure, and when you're sharing a pleasurable experience with other people, what does toughing it out really result in? What is that is potentially damaging. How does that foster trust, comfortability and safety? Ask these questions, be curious about that. When it comes to orgasms, and particularly building bigger, better orgasms, I think we need to know or understand what an orgasm is for perks. Not everyone can have orgasms too. The stream is also intended for folks who perhaps have never had what they would define a climax to be or an orgasm to be, so that this conversation is also for y'all. And for me, pardon me, for me, orgasms and pleasure and all those other delicious things in between really require paying attention to your body collecting data, okay. When you add this physical body sensation, with this mind sensation, this mind state, how do these things reinforce one another? That's why arousal is super essential, and arousal is not just the physical presentation of arousal, just because someone's nipples are hard just because someone has an erection, just because someone's wet, doesn't mean that they're aroused. Those things can happen totally separate out of arousal. And they can also be really related to arousal. So the investigation of, I see the manifestations of reaction on someone's body, how does that connect with their mind state? Are those things in sync? Is this person's mental arousal, similar to their body arousal? Their readiness and enthusiasm for sexual intimacy and pleasure, okay, and it's okay to go slowly. Arousal doesn't happen like that, that's why, for me, my pussy, just the wetness of it changes dependent on my hormonal cycle. And that is not necessarily a true indicator of my arousal, or my readiness for sex, my enthusiasm for sex. So I really pay attention to my mental state my openness in receiving and experiencing sexual intimacy and pleasure and energy exchange and all the delicious good things that come with it. And then paying attention to where my body's at, is it ready to receive touch? So I'm a survivor of sexual violence. And there have been types of touch that I find, really difficult to receive, so knowing and having a list in my head, and understanding, that these types of touch can be triggering, because they're linked to trauma is really helpful, because then I can advocate for myself and tell partners, Hey, can we change this up for this way, like in this way, harder, softer, faster, slower, more lube, things like that just different guideline or guiding words to shift away from specific sensations that are linked to trauma. And there is a way that I have done reclamation of the sensations of making really sure I'm in a mental space, I'm very excited to receive and now associating that sensation that was once linked to trauma, linking it more and more to the excitement, the rejuvenation, the peace, the love, the care, whatever positive emotions and positive experiences that are happening at the same time as receiving that touch that was once linked to trauma. And that's just my experience, everyone deals with their trauma differently, and how the physiology of their trauma too. So be mindful of that, that's just how I've kind of navigated reclaiming physical touch and in receiving those types of touches after trauma. Okay, I encourage y'all to be mindful of what different positions, what types of stimulation really have a lot of value in regard to pleasure, like finding out if you like a certain type of stroking a certain type of petting, that you like being held and embraced during sexual intimacy, like finding out these different details that causes an exciting picture for sexual intimacy, okay. and I want y'all to be mindful of how environment and the situation can impact how open and present you can be with your body. Like, if you're really, high stress, you're managing a lot of things, that can definitely impact how your sex plays out. For some folks, stre... external stressors like that can be the very thing that increases their sex drive that increases the receptiveness of pleasure and whatnot. But for some folks that can totally damnpen and hinder receiving this feeling. So being aware of how your situation, your environment can impact how open you can be, and how present you can be with your body and with your partner's is pretty essential, because then you can have a bit of an expectation of like, I've had a really stressful week, it was just speaking to my experience I've had a really stressful week and I have a lot of things on my mind. It might take a longer arousal period to get to that point where I'm really open, really receptive to physical pleasure and mental connection with other partners. Yeah, if anyone has any questions, comments, concerns, now is the time to chime in. Well, any time during this time is yours to chime in Yeah, so I wanted to give some time for folks to ask questions about orgasms, and give my advice to perhaps troubleshoot or give my insight to any situations that you may be experiencing. Before I jump in, I'm gonna grab some water, Oh, yeah. And for the new folks who missed it. I want y'all to define pleasure for me, if you haven't. I would really like to know your thoughts in there on that and see how you conceptualize that idea. I needed that. Thank you Justin for reminding y'all Yes, and if anyone at all is interested in contributing or tipping, feel free to it would be wonderful way to support O school and myself as a cluster pleasure professional on here. And I'm sure Justin will share my contact information where you can find me on social media and all that good stuff. And for my streams, and for all other streams of cluster professionals, tune in to o.school/calendar, to find who's streaming and what topics may be coming up that might be of interest for y'all. Yeah, so I want to discuss ramping up orgasms. I wanted to talk about my personal techniques for building orgasms. Okay, so there is this technique called edging. It is also a form of play. Thanks, Justin. Edging is also form of play. It's a type of orgasm denial. So again, if you've never had an orgasm, you can still practice this, feel this technique as a way to listen to, acutely pay attention to your body and control your pleasure. Okay, so when I think of sex and masturbation, I view it as a time for self love, self expression, self exploration, also celebration and also controlI like control I don't often have it because there's so many things and edging is a way for me to control a pleasure. Edging basically is when a person feels that they are approaching the upper threshold of their pleasure, before it may spill into an orgasm or if you're pushing higher and higher to levels of pleasure you've never felt before and before you go further into uncharted territory or into an orgasm, you back down from your stimulation and come on, come down a little, so you go down a few levels in that pleasure and ramp up, okay. I don't go to all the way down to the point where I'm not aroused, I just come down enough where my sensitivity, my physiological, my sensitivity in my body backs off a bit, so I can go again and push that threshold of pleasure and sensitivity and experience once more. And I might do that several times. So rather than the narrative of my sexual experience being like I'll draw it here, like arousal, arousal, arousal, arousal maybe plateauing staying here, staying here at this level of pleasure, and then a spike. And that's just like one trajectory of a pleasurable experience. Another one for for edging, it would look like for me, so I am aroused, I'm getting really aroused. I'm right about to fall over the edge, and I come back down a little. And maybe I'll stay there for a little bit, and they'll come up again, oh Pleasure. Pleasure. Pleasure. So close. So close. So close. Oh, my gosh, I've never experienced as much pleasure before. Relax, breathe slowly. Relax. And then again, and then repeat until I want to go into that uncharted territory. I want to experience that release, and sometimes I fail at edging, I'll be like, I wanna see how close I can get to an orgasm. And then before I know I'm having an orgasm before I can stop myself. And then I'm just like, whoa, I'm wiped out I can't continue and I need to catch my breath. So for edging, that technique of approaching your uppermost threshold to pleasure, and then backing down in the level of pleasure and sensitivity for control like that edging, breathing, paying attention to breathing goes so far, And I think in regard to building orgasms, being aware of your breathing can really help clue you in as to like, what is going on physiologically as I'm approaching an orgasm, as I am aroused and having sex, as I'm masturbating. Know, these are all things you can carry with you in future sexual experiences to reinforce this is the experience I'm having this is what physiological pleasure and sexual presence, being present looks like. So in edging, I will get really close, I have that sort of breathing when I'm about to have an orgasm, and then I may slow my breathing down, like really control it. And then as I approach, I let myself do that sort of, faster breathing. And sometimes, and this is outside of edging, sometimes holding my breath, not for extended periods of time, but just gasping, holding, releasing, that can be a way for me to control the tension in my body. It can help me when I take that pause in my breathing, I can focus my sensory attention to different parts of my body, depending on what's going on, I'm gonna close the door a bit so my dog can't escape. So the I find that really helpful in even just taking mental pauses, not even necessarily having those breathing pauses but having a pause and that mental clarity where you surface a little, so you could look down at your pleasure and your experience and be like, okay, I want to focus on what's going on on my breasts, I want to focus on what's going on with my lips, with my neck, with my hands, with my genitals and my pussy, with my asshole. My with my cock and my penis. There's so much power in just focusing on the different parts of your body that is having a physiological experience of pleasure and connectedness and intimacy and all that. And think about your mental state to you, why what emotions and feelings like surfacing and bubbling. What's contributing to that? How can we add to those layers, okay? So edging is one technique. What's this, okay? I do enjoy edging but sometimes I miss out on having an orgasm. Okay, sure. I can't speak so too, I have a front hole the anatomy I'm working with is the front hole and when think about edging, I can edge the way I masturbate is typically a combination of simu... clitoral stimulation with a vibrator and penetration with a toy, a glass toy. So really depends, everyone's anatomy is different, right? Everyone's circulatory system is different. So depending on the variety of factors, our bodies may react to edging differently. And at different stages and points in our life, and depending on where we are, yes, so I have definitely, I've had similar experiences, given my understanding of what you're sharing. Where I'll be edging and the only way for me to not have an orgasm, and this is typically in the BDSM context, where like edging is a technique and a type of play, I'll get really close to orgasm, the only way I can have not have it, it's just by stopping completely. And then I find that my sense, my sensitivity to pleasure or my experience of pleasure, even though my body is still like humming and sensitive and open to receiving it. That sensational pleasure drops off very rapidly, very sharply, because I'm coming from a very close to almost to the highest height to, I'm not being touched on and my body's like, aching to receive touch. But since it's not, I'm now farther away from receiving an orgasm because of the need to back down. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't say in my experience, that I've opted out on an orgasm, but I have to rebuild an orgasm. Okay, I'll edge and edge and edge, and I'll be making... This is how I view it, I am stacking Jenga blocks and stacking Jenga blocks, I'm playing Jenga, and that's fine art of mood tension then anticipation and excitement. You're moving these things and all these intricate parts, and you're getting so close to the top. And then sometimes edging can be like, ooh, we knocked it down without the fun release, without the fun release, and then I'm like, Oh, I have to rebuild that to get the orgasm that I want. So sometimes I happens if I back down, depending on how close I am to an orgasm. Because sometimes if I'm too close to it, backing down, makes it that tension dissipate without the sensation of release. You know, it's like, I don't know how to... Yeah, I think that's the best way I can describe it. And just like I put all this work and I added all these sensations and these emotions and feelings and physical feelings leading up to this experience. And then I'm just like, oh, and then I'm gonna stop the stimulation that gives that and then it kind of like flies away from me, so I have to connect them again. Yeah, let me I just had a better idea better than visualization of it. So say you are collecting balloons, to fly away. And flying away is an orgasm. So the edging could be seen as gathering as many balloons as possible, gathering all the balloons and you're about to take off, about to take off, about to take off one more balloon you're about to take off. You're like, no, no, I'm not ready. I want to stay here, going to stay here hovering, almost weightless, almost taking off. And then you're like, you know what, I'm ready. Grab the other balloon you take off. But I think what you're speaking on in regard to edging and losing an orgasm is like you're gathering all these balloons. You're pulling on this one, you're building up to take off, you're like I'm so ready. I'm so looking forward to that, I can't wait. And then you let go of all the balloons. You're like wait a minute. There are more balloons than you thought you'd let go and you're like oh no, I have to do more work to capture all these balloons, at there okay. Yeah, so I'm only gonna really speak about my experience on here, I'm going to clarify that I don't have medical degree. I am speaking from my personal experience of having a vagina having a front whole, stimulating it a whole lot and also like touching other people's part their vaginas, their front holes, their pussies and all that and I actually... Let's talk about the clit, let's talk about what it looks like, this much I can share. So the way think about the clit as a little nubbin that looks at you through the hood, it does one of these sometimes, it looks different in every individual. So that's just the surface, the tip of the iceberg of the clitoris. Inside we have this network, it has like wings it has legs on the inside. So I'm gonna draw it for you. I'm so glad and so happy that I happen to have stuff to draw on for y'all. Look at me, ready for the world. Look ready for this live stream? Now actually gonna look it up. Boop. Boop. Boop. All right. Oh, it's so cute. Forgive me, I am not always the best drawer. And please Google. Feel free to Google, clitoris as well. You'll see this awesome structure, a sec _ the time for it though, okay. So this is a clit. So this is what you would see at the front of the vulva right here. It's sticking out a little num nums. On the inside, you have these wings just like a network of sensitive nerves attached to muscles, and when I have penetrative sex, I feel like that my clitorus on the outside isn't being stimulated so much. Rather, by having something slide in and out of me. And like bump inside, these legs, these wings are being stimulated through my muscles. And depending, this goes back to me like controlling my breath, depending on how I breathe, I can breathe intention to my pelvic floor to in a way engorge those muscles, tense those muscles so they're, they can receive more specific type of stimulation from whatever penetrative device or part is in me. And when I release, my entire leg, vulva and all that convulse, it kind of goes like want want want want want. Think about how my vulva orgasms. But for a clitoral orgasm, the sensation since I don't really cum just from having my clit rubbed like this, with hand sex even, or even oral sex. I use the vibrator. The thrumming of my vibrator sends these ripples of sensation pleasure through my clit head. And I don't put the my vibrator directly on my clit, I put it to the side so thrums through. And those reverberate through my clit head through these wings. And like the muscles on my insides also are convulsing. But the stimulation isn't directly on those legs and those wings on the inside through penetration. And that for me, is my experience of the difference between a clitoral and penetrative orgasm. Like what parts are being stimulated, what are my, if we're going back to the balloon metaphor, what are the different components? The different types of balloons that I'm gathering for this experience? They are different, being penetrated has different pleasurable value than being stimulated on my clitoris and this is different for everybody. Everyone relates to different parts of their body differently. Everyone puts different value and meaning to the sensations the body parts can receive. So again, I really encourage y'all to investigate what is the physiolo... I can't speak how your body receives pleasure, and how your mind perceives pleasure, and like the nuances of that because for me, even though I have this rich history of many orgasms, all sorts of different types of pleasure that I've experienced, I'm also very aware that day to day my body and mind state is different. So my pleasures can be different. Does it feel different? It feels different, but not like... they're both releases. They yeah, they just feel different. And it's so difficult for me to place a hierarchy on that, I tend to feel penetrative orgasms because that is what I'm most familiar with and clitoral orgasms require a toy, a vibrator, and sometimes I don't want to use a vibrator. At times I just want to use hands. And so I'm sorry. I'm so hippie_happy today. And so sometimes, like hands and penetration with that is enough for me, or a combination. So if I'm doing like a combination of penetration and external stimulation, I'm, I the Jenga blocks are now or like, the balloons are, mostly penetrative pleasure and some clitoral pleasure to reinforce and give them up an umph to the pleasure that's happening in my internal cavity. Yeah. So again, I really encourage you to explore yourself, get familiar with your body sensations as well as what does a sexually receptive mental state look like and feel like? I'm gonna google speaking on arousal once more, have a conversation with yourself, check into know what feelings come up to indicate that yes, I'm interested in this experience I'm excited for its experience. I'm enthusiastic about this. What are the mental cues that tell you that you're open and ready to receive and feel. Cause sometimes for me, there's a distinction between feeling raw and vulnerable and open and vulnerable. Sometimes when I feel like emotionally, mentally raw, that vulnerability, that sort of like, yeah, that exposure is radically different from the openness and vulnerability and like excitement, anticipation of being open and ready to receive. So figure out what does that feeling of openness present as; is that, is does it feel like comfort? Does it feel like safety? Does it feel like trust? Is it excitement? Is it enthusiasm? Is it joy? Is it anticipation? Let me go back here. Let's go back to the cards. So for folks that are just tuning in, this is an amazing resource, not just for thinking about orgasms, but thinking about feelings that are all linked to experiences. And I'm just gonna pull some from here to describe my feelings when I am getting ready to receive sexual intimacy and touch and I'm not gonna go through the entire deck. I'm gonna go through some of them now. Oh, yeah, Oh, these are so good, okay. Something there, Okay. What's this? Yes, absolutely. Okay, yeah. So this individual hasn't orgasmed before and the thought of not having orgasms makes this person nervous, paranoid, focused on getting there. So I think when I read that question, my mind first goes to being gentle with yourself. You can divorce yourself of expectations of working toward a predetermined goal and focus more so on being present with your experiences. Sex to me isn't just about orgasms. They can be there, and they can be a part of sex, but for me, sex is more so about connectivity, vulnerability, care. Pleasure, Yeah, So that when I asked folks to define pleasure, that's what I want y'all to carry when you think about sex. It's totally natural to be nervous and paranoid and hyper focused on achieving something you haven't experienced yet. But I think that question in itself, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that speaks to how that is a barrier. How that can inform your experience, right? Because now you have the weight of the nervousness, the paranoia, the hyper attentiveness on this thing that hasn't happened, Why not be present with the things that are happening right now? Okay, so when they think about pleasure they think about building orgasms, I think about self loving, look at this amazing experience I get by giving myself pleasure, it can be an orgasm, it can be a journey, sometimes I just give myself a treat of masturbating. And I don't feel the need to have an orgasm or something like I want to remind my body you can feel this, I can give this experience to you. And I don't need another person to give me this experience. And then I just stop when I'm done. And I don't always have to have an orgasm. I just want to remind myself, I can have those experiences and sensations just for me. Connection is another piece of my description of pleasure and my mind state too. So we talked a little about the mind and body connection when I am having sex, when I masturbating, I definitely carry self love and connection, and trust, emotional safety. Look, I love these cards so much. Emotional safety. That's such a powerful concept, to feel secure, and safe enough to open up and just feel what I'm feeling in my body and in my mind, that's huge. And open, being flexible, receptive, open minded, that's so key to be to be able to hold yourself wholly, I think that's something I really look for in connections with other folks. But with myself, I need to be able to hold myself whole I need to sit with myself and be okay with the experiences that I the cumulative experiences I've had up until now and how they relate. So, if I'm a person who's never had an orgasm, I know that I can carry the nervousness, the paranoia, the focus, but I also carry mystery. There's more for me explore. There's curiosity, there is exploration to be had. So that's a reframe I offer you as well. I feel excited, I think about pleasure, I feel thrilled and stimulated and enthusiastic I'm happy to be there. So I think it's a pretty essential to think about the experiences and sensations and the reactions, the physical reactions your body can have, in receiving pleasure, and that narrative, and as well as the narrative your mind has in pleasure as well. How are those things joined? Is there a dissonance? Could I give my body more pleasure? Could I give my, connect with my mind up to more pleasure? These are pretty big questions and asking how am I setting the stage for this experience? Yeah. Any questions, comments and concerns? We have about seven minutes left. I'm so glad that you all could join me. This was amazing and awesome. I love talking about sex and orgasms. Yeah, and again, I want to reiterate for folks who haven't had orgasms or are still like, if you're in this in what you view a position of not knowing, you have so much to explore. And it's not, it doesn't reflect your value. It doesn't reflect your worth. It doesn't reflect if you're broken or not. Or if you are sexy or not. It just shows you where you're at. And I want y'all to be able to view, okay, with meeting yourselves where you're at. Being curious, being open and being vulnerable with yourself, and also being emotionally safe for yourself, trusting yourself that, if I don't have the orgasm, it doesn't mean I can't have pleasure. It doesn't mean I can't that there's something wrong with my form of self loving. No, it's just where you're at. It's okay. Orgasms, too often are viewed as an achieve... an achievement to unlock when really it's like just one facet of a pleasurable experience with yourself or with other people. Yeah. Anything else? I wanna hear. I wanna hear from y'all. Also, things I really I encourage all of y'all to really think about you're off the stage. If you're starting to feel the awkwardness come on that nervousness the perhaps the negative self talk about lack of orgasm achievement, or the pressure of orgasm achievement, reassess your arousal, how can we reset that arousal phase to not hold space for those sort of thoughts? How can we release those thoughts and break from them? How can we distract from them? So our focus shifts to being present with our pleasure. Yes. So again, for folks who want to find me on social media, I'm on Twitter and Instagram and you can go to my Tumblr as well. A good way to reach me is at mialitheentertainer@gmail.com. My name is Mia Little. It used to be Mia Li, just so you know, Toy recommendations, it really depends on what you like. So for me, I have always liked penetration as a form of pleasure. So I like glass toys. If you're into penetration then you want something that is easy to clean, glass and metal, they are non porous. For me, they're the easiest to sterilize. If you have a silicone toy, any silicone toy do not use silicone lube with it. It will degrade the material. If you're searching for toys, ask if they're body safe as a sex toy shop worth their salt, will know the difference between body safe and not body safe materials. Typically like dummies and jellies. They may not be body safe. They may be quite porous, they may degrade very easily. So check sex toys are an investment I've had Hitachis last for years. If you are into big thumpy thrummy vibrations I encourage you to check out the Hitachi, they're really fun. Also check out O school's partnerships with certain sex toys I know Justin if you want to shamelessly plug any sex toys that our school pairs with, I think now's the time to do that. But for me my personal recommendations are glass, metal insertables and also the Hitachi. I'm very basic when it comes to my sex toys. Also caution, moreso than recommendation, when it comes to butt toys toys for anal, let me show you. So for anal toys you wanna make sure that the toys are, or the penetration device is attached to a human, like attached to a person like a penis or strap on or it has this shelf. So toys don't get lost in buttholes, yeah. So SheVibe, WeVibe and Good Vibrations check it out. Good Vibrations is awesome. I really like that store. Yeah, and SheVibes or Revibes I recommend going to a sex shop that has demos that you can touch on your hand, not on your genitals so you can hold it and get a sense for what their vibrations are and what to expect. In that regard, yeah my favorite lube. I do like what's it called like Swiss something. Slip With Nice Wet is nice. I really like Wet, the lube brand for anal. I only silicone because it lasts, like anal in regard to like anal penetration like water based lube gets swallowed up super fast and used up pretty quick. Spit is not enough for anal. When it comes to frontal sex, like pussy sex spit has been adequate for me but check in with what your sexual health and risk management plan looks like. Spit is accessible to me for folks I'm fully bonded with. I'm okay with having spit in my genitals. If not, I like water based lube for my vagina, for my pussy for my vulva, all the good things, yeah. And get sample packets of lube. Yeah, I really recommend that a lot and also two recommendations I love gloves and moreso like a risk management tool but we're advised and I really liked them and you can make dental dummies out of them. You just cut the three middle fingers and you cut off the palm and you do... I'll have to show you all next time. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for tuning in to Did I Cum? I hope that y'all enjoyed the stream and benefited from it. If you feel generous, please consider tipping the gift jar, feel free to. Otherwise you can find me on the internet on Instagram and other social media. Thank you everyone. Have a great day. Justin, let me know when I'm good to sign off.

Did I Cum?

Jul 21, 2018
2:00 pm
Saturday, July 21, 2018
2:00 pm

Not all sex has to focus on orgasms as the end goal, but lots of us aren't sure what an orgasm feels like. Join this livestream to learn what your body does during orgasm, signs of orgasm and the different ways your to build bigger, better orgasms.