ON-DEMAND

Dating For Introverts

Calendar
Streamed
Monday, July 30, 2018

So, you're single, ready to mingle and introverted. How do you put yourself out there when you're single and introverted? Q will share tips with you around connecting and letting someone know you’re interested in them.

Video transcript

As usual, hey. I'm Q Wilson. I am one of many awesome, amazing educators here at O.school. I am from the southeastern United States. I was raised with abstinence only sex education, so I had a lot to catch up on. I identify as a bunch of different things. Queer, leather kinky, non-monogamous, masculine of center, a ton of different things. They all go into like the hodgepodge of what kind of informs the kind of information I can share and give because these are my experiences. I have a very queer world, and so a lot of the language that I use and things that I share when I've taught and discussing will be very very queer in languaging, so if you are unfamiliar with something that I say or you need a definition, please log in to the chat and ask me, because if you have a question about it then someone else probably does too, so you're doing a bunch of folks a service if you do that. And I really enjoy making sure everybody's on the same page, so there's not the whole like, hm I thought. Clear communication, it's kind of amazing. Let's see, what else. I have a degree in public relations. I am a certified trainer. I am a certified sex educator, what else? I said I'm in leather, so that already is a thing. And that's where I figured out that sex is my kink. I really enjoy learning about sex, and helping other folks have experiences that are wonderful for themselves, and having wonderful experiences for myself. Yeah, it's not all selfless, come on. I have ADD, so sometimes I bounce and I have tangential thought. So I'm good with it. If I get too far off course, let me know. Just bring it back. Sometimes I speak a little quickly, so if that becomes an issue, let me know. What else? Weekends are awesome, so is this platform. I'm super glad you guys are here. Again, if you have not logged into the chat, please do so. I really enjoy having actual conversations with folks. If you've been worried about going into a chat room because you just don't want to fight off all the trolls, that's okay. We have one community standards, two, someone else to enforce the community standards other than yourself. So, hop on in, ask questions. If it makes you feel better, we're talking introverts here. I can't see any of you. You can see me, you can hear me, I can't do either of those things with you. So I have no idea. I couldn't possibly guess who you are if you ask a question, so don't fret. Please use the chatroom at your leisure to ask me all the questions. Again, you need a US phone number, email address, one of those two will give you a link to our chatroom. That's also where there's a tip jar, so I can keep paying my bills and feeding my dog. It's kind of important. She looks at me real crazy when she's not being fed. I don't know. I really enjoy being a pleasure professional. My whole goal in doing so is to openly share the knowledge that I have, and my hopes in doing so is to, I hope to help you raise your standards because no one should be having bad sex anymore. We've got too much information out there, and I love that this site gives us the opportunity to sort of curate that with folks who are knowledgeable and capable and we don't have to dig all unassisted through the internet 'cause that can be trauma-inducing. So I'm really glad that you guys are here. Language, when I say guys, dudes, or kids it is not a gendered thing or an age thing. Those are terms of endearment or generalized terms. I try to use peeps a little bit more. I do it sometimes, but not as often so if I have languaging that's causing some sort of bristle for you, let me know. Last thing before we get started, if I'm not your cup of tea as a facilitator or trainer, that is totally okay. We have a ton of people, like I said earlier, who are using this platform to share information. Lots of different information in lots of different ways. So even if I'm not your deal, come back another time, check out another presenter, another pleasure professional on the site and see what they have to say and see if they are a better fit for you, 'cause we want you to be able to get the information that you need from the site, so let us know, give us some feedback. So today, we are going to talk about dating for introverts. I'm slightly introverted in some ways. I am in various communities where I spend time doing training and facilitating like I do now, or public speaking in some sort of way while I do all of those things and I'm really enthusiastic about them because it's generally topics that are near and dear to my heart so it's easier for me to talk about them, I'm still a little hummingbird heart twitterpating, anticipating the whole speaking in front of people. So while it may seem like it's all smooth and all awesome, may not be. Not for everyone. So I get that it can be a struggle just to take up the space we're meant to, and in places that we are, in places that we share with other folks. It's even harder to let someone know that you are interested in them, whether that be for a date or anything else when you're a bit more introverted. It's harder to like, that level of vulnerability which is a struggle for people who are less introverted, but definitely that struggle to be more vulnerable and connect when one is introverted is hard. So I hear you on that, and I'm gonna share some of the things that I would do, or that I do and would recommend for folks who are a bit more introverted. Again, please let me know what kind of questions you have. That will be amazing. I want to know how I can help you be the best rockingest self that you can be. The two things I want to start with are flirting is all about intent. So you can set the intent for how you want to flirt. I mean, what your outcome is or what you want the outcome to be. And that helps decide how you want to flirt with someone. So flirting is all about intent, and it can be different types of intent. So we'll talk about some of that. Also, awkward is the new sexy. If you have not recognized that and you are an awkward human, welcome to your time. Awkward is definitely the new sexy in my world, and I think what that translates why it's become the new sexy in my opinion is that authenticity is something that we can feel. We've struggled a lot as a society with people doing the things, but not really being the things. Being super perfect and being so on point. It's really nice and refreshing for me and for other folks that I've talked to, it's a refreshing thing to see someone be awkward, 'cause awkward usually resonates with us 'cause we all have our own awkward. We all have our own quirks. So to see someone moving along in life and having quirks means they're actually a real person. They're not a pod person, and there's perhaps at least some interest there that they're a real person you want to get to know, so awkward is the new sexy, folks. Get in there. Be your awkward self in all the ways, all the time. It's kind of amazing. Hey Harry. So, please ask questions. This is something that I want to know how I can help, so those are the first two things I want to say. The next one is something that I talk about with almost all of the streams that I do which is communication. And it's difficult as an introvert to clearly communicate until you've established like lines of communication, which is the harder part. So, remembering that communication is important. Not just for you figuring out as you're trying to decide whether this person might be interested, whether you want to actually attempt a thing, whether you're gonna be freaking out about all of this or not. I'd like to also add to this not as a freak out moment, but maybe perhaps as a way to calm that brain hamster a little bit is that your communication with the other person isn't just about you. It is about helping that person remain safe, because then they now have information from you that they can act upon, or not act upon, and they're not guessing and you're gonna have less of a likelihood of something happening or transpiring that is unclear because you're actually communicating with one another. So it's super important to figure out a way to do that, and I'm gonna own that it is a super difficult thing. It's difficult even when you are a bit more extroverted, so you're not alone. Extroverts struggle with it too, we just may not show it in those ways other people who are introverted might do that. So communication is critical. So how do you communicate with folks when you're shyer or you're more introverted? And talking with someone new, someone that you don't know is kind of a harder thing to do. So how do you do that? And so we'll talk about that a little bit too. What else did I want to talk about? ♪ Da da da da da da ♪ Awkward's the new sexy, yes I said that. So someone sent me thanks Q, that's very affirming. Q was saying that thanks, that's very reaffirming regarding the awkwardness. It is. For me, I need to see that someone actually is a person. That they actually have something going on behind the veneer, and we all have that sort of veneer whether it's just how we move through our day, how we want to be seen, whatever. That persona, or the armor you put on to make it through public transit during the course of the day. So we kind of look like we're together in some ways, so when you see someone who's having that awkward moment it's like oh you're an actual person. That's so cool. So I appreciate it, because I'm really, I'm awkward as all get out. Yes, I can do these things. Yes I talk about stuff. I am still, still super awkward. So anyway, a friend of mine sent me when they found out I was doing this particular topic, they sent me a link to a piece on the Odyssey Online, and it is a piece called Dating for Introverts as told by Fitzwilliam Darcy. And I was like, why does that name sound familiar? Pride and Prejudice, you're right. All the nerds who knew that, you are absolutely right. So I'm just gonna take a few pieces from that, and just start talking about it because this is kind of the process of the introverts starting to date. You struggle with the whole talking to people casually. How do you do that? How do people make, these are strangers. How do I do that? But when you're with a group of close friends, you're totally fine. You're very relaxed and you talk all the time and that's not a, it's not so hard. But then you see this person, and you're like they're hot. Oh no, what do I do? How do I handle this? Oh my god. Now you gotta figure out the art of wooing said human, which is just trying to get their attention and how do you do that? And so according to Mr. Fitzwilliam, Mr. Darcy, you're talking about like he has it broken down into stages. I think there's like five stages all total for the introvert in dating. So, let's see five, yes I was right. There are five. So the first one is, the very first one is the awkward silence where you're looking at that person and you're hoping that they can read your mind and you're just like oh my god, you're handsome or you're beautiful, or you are just attractive. Not gendering it in any way. Wow, what do I do next? And so you just sort of awkwardly stare, and it's quiet. They're next to you. You never really know what to say anyway, and it's like oh god, this is awful. So you decide to play hard to get, yeah. You try to seem cool and aloof, but it doesn't really necessarily get across the point. So the second stage, the awkward silence. Then there's the awkward encounters, running into said human that you find attractive and trying to find ways to be next to each other or be next to that person or near that person, like drive by hm, and then just keep going, hoping they'll glance at you. Then there's the, you make an actual effort. You don't do a drive-by this time. You stop, you face them, and you're like uh-oh, and then you walk away. The fourth one is you start to get serious. You're actually making the effort to stop, say hello, and engage this person in conversation. So, you think about all the things and then it's like oh no, that's not what's happening. And you actually do make a, instead of it going, instead of going into your head you actually come outside of your brain and you actually try to communicate with this person, which also, it works. And then there is the step five, which is the never give up. If at first you don't succeed, of course try, try, try again. Maybe your crush will figure it out if you do more drive bys and look cute and wear the right colors and all those sorts of things. Those are fantastic, and those are not gonna be ways that you're gonna get anything out of another person. So, more practical steps on how you can talk to someone, or approach someone if you're trying to flirt and you are an introvert. So, I'm a big fan of planning things, 'cause I believe spontaneity is supported by planning, and planning when it comes to I think flirting is figuring out what could potentially be a flirting style that would be comfortable for you. And one of the ways that I think is one of the scariest for anyone, and it's not just introverts. So the other thing I want to point out, while introverts you may be struggling with this really hard internally and not processing it the same. Like we know that introverts are the same way. Extroverts, we actually run through a lot of the same issues as introverts so these work whether you're introverted or not. I feel like these are opportunities for connection that can work for just about anyone. So think about different topics of conversation to start with people. I would propose that the history of Nazi Germany as a conversation starter, is a no-go. You may have some of the most amazing historical knowledge on said thing, not always the best topic. So finding conversation starter topics that are more than how's the weather? So finding something that you can build on, and here's a tip for the introvert person. You don't have to do all the talking. If the conversation starter is something around like you know they have a pet, or you find yourself in a space or a moment with someone that you have a crush on, you're like what do I do? Introducing yourself and saying hi. If you happen to see their screensaver on their phone and it's an animal of some sort, ask them is that their pet? And if it is their pet, ask 'em if you could see some more photos, or ask them about their pet. What kind of pet they have, how long they've had them. When you offer people the opportunity to share information about something they're passionate about, they'll usually take that opportunity. So if you notice they have a pet, or if they have kids, ask them to talk about their life and then you go from there. Look at the different pieces of their life that you think could be, something you could relate to, and go from there. Talk about the different nerdy things that you like. I find that many introverts are nerd-tastic, and I mean that in the best possible ways. We have generally sort of ideas, or we are passionate about something. See where your passions, the things that you're really passionate about might dovetail with what this person is saying to you. So thinking about different conversation starters that will be comfortable for you. I am a fan of actually saying the things out loud before you have to. I think that's part of the thing that kind of trips us up. We've never heard the words we're about to say in our own voice, so being in front of someone that we have a crush on, we're interested in, something of that nature, and about to say some sort of, a set of words that's clearly going to let this person know that you are interested in them, and you've never said that to them out loud, can be a little nerveracking. So when you're home alone in your car, when you're off for a walk, yeah people might think you're a little hm, but it's okay. Say the words out loud. Say you know, practice asking someone about their pet. Oh wow, is that your dog? I see you have an animal on your screensaver, you know on your phone. Is that your pet? Wow, what kind of pet do you have? Da da da da, and go from there. Let it sort of build. But practicing the words, because if you never, I think that's again where we get caught up. If you don't see the words, you never hear it and it gets really, it sounds really weird for the first time coming out of your mouth. Deep breaths and relax. Practice at home, practice in the car, practice when you're going for a walk. Talk to your pet. I mean, my dog? I practice talking with my dog. I also practice dancing with my dog. She doesn't appreciate my sweet, sweet dance moves but anyway. One of the things that I say, especially when I go to a lot of, I attend a lot of conferences both inside the leather community and kink community in other different ways, and I go to conferences that are not strictly business conferences. Generally they are not business conferences at all. So something like, I've never gone to Dragon Con. That is way too big for me, but I've gone to Frolicon for a number of years. So environments like that are target rich, one. Even if you are a more introverted human, this is a great place to find other introverts or folks to at least look at, and work up the courage to say hello to. So, when you're in environments like that I know that for me, I have two outfits a day. I may only be there four days, but I've traveled with like three different sets of like pieces of a luggage set so I can make sure I have all the things, because I'm dressing for the occasion. I'm dressing in what I feel like would be the most comfortable things, but also the coolest things and stylish. Whatever fits the realm of like, wonderful, fun, decadent for me within those parameters is what I'm gonna wear. So I wear a seersucker suit at leather events sometimes 'cause it's amazing looking and it's definitely something that is attention getting, and eye getting, eye catching because it's not leather, number one, but number two I like to dress dapper, so I've got like seersucker pants and this vest, blah blah blah. I put a lot of time and effort into my outfits, so when someone says I really like that outfit or oh my god, is that seersucker? I am very swoony and very open to conversation at that point and I'm like yes, it is. So's the vest, and just talking about my outfit so if you are an introverted person, that's a good way to pick up a clue or a way to flirt with someone, but also you could do the same thing. If you're wanting people to talk to you, wear something that is different or unique. I think it's called peacocking. Wearing something that will get attention so that that's a conversation starter in and of itself. Some people who are introverted, they can sustain a conversation, do all the things. Once that first introduction, that first connection is made, they are just not as good at starting that first connection. So, this works for lots of people. Doing something like that, wearing something that looks different, interesting, fascinating so that folks will come and talk to you. So then you're not seeking them out. You don't have to worry, and then you've got a point of common interest that, hey Mimi, good to see you again. So you've got a point of common interest that you've started. So that's fantastic. I am also a huge fan of using, if you're in an environment like that, compliments to start the conversations absolutely. Looking at, and I do some, I've been talking about something previously called, I call it drive-by flirting. It's not so you don't have to stop and actually hold a conversation. You see something about their outfit that's really really nice in your opinion or that's caught your attention as you go towards them when you're walking past you stop for just a brief moment, long enough to make eye contact and go wow, that's a really nice necklace or that's a really nice latex shirt, or those are really nice earrings. Whatever it is you're saying to the other person, and then you keep walking. I almost always had the person, like if I look back over my shoulder, I'm gonna say 85% of the time the person I was just giving the compliment to is looking back at me because they're like oh my god, someone noticed this thing. And to be clear, people's thought processes, at least mine are, somebody does the drive-by flirting with me, I don't immediately go oh my god, swoon, but it does get my attention. I stop because I want to see who noticed that and I look to find out who that is. And later on, I can probably find them and be like thank you, if they hadn't stopped long enough or if I was in conversation with someone else or was doing something else, I wouldn't be able to do it. So I'd wait and find them, but it almost always is a really lovely thing. And again when we're talking about intent, 'cause flirting is all about intent. I often flirt with no attachment to outcome, meaning I may flirt and try to hook up and connect, but if you say no. If we giggle it off, that's totally good. I'm not expecting that your answer will necessarily be yes. I'm flirting for the sake of flirting. I'm flirting for fun and connection. I'm flirting to just be a happy human spreading joy. There are also other times when I'm absolutely flirting with an objective, with the idea of yeah I want this to happen as a hookup. So I will say that as a matter of fact. I'm like yes, I'm flirting with you with the intent of trying to get into your pants. Be open about it, if that's what you're going for. And if you're just flirting for the sake of flirting and just flirting to get to know people and make connections, you can also say to folks yes I am flirting with you. No I don't have an attachment to the outcome of this. I just wanted to see your smile, or I just wanted to compliment you and your outfit. I just wanted to hopefully add something nice to your day. There are a number of different ways that I can go, or saying I just wanted you to know that someone saw you and appreciated all that you put into your outfit or what have you. So again, you want to think about the intent behind how you're flirting. And then just use language that works for you. Language is hard. Language can be super hard. So I'm also a big fan of business cards, cards. I was when I first heard about this concept, they were called trick cards, meaning if you're at an event, you want someone to be able to find you, give 'em a card. Put your room number and your phone number on it so that they can contact you. So I've taken that idea and kind of run with it a little bit in that if you're a person who's a bit more introverted, having those cards can be super awesome and they take that layer of stress off with like, you know if you finally get the courage to talk to someone, you're actually having that conversation and instead of having to look for a pen, paper, all the other things you've already got a card and you can write whatever you want on the back. I recommend, especially if it's one that you're using in a non-professional sense, maybe putting a, if you wore something that is kind of your signature thing. A particular flower, a particular color, make sure your card includes that particular thing so people can make that connection. If you are comfortable doing so, I'm a big fan of putting your photo actually, one of your favorite photos on your business card, on this card so that people are like oh yeah, totally remember who that was. So they have an idea of who it was. On the back of mine, like on the front of mine I put a picture of myself. On the back of mine I have a bunch of belt buckles that have Q on them. I have two different types. One's like a rodeo belt buckle. I've got one that's rhinestone encrusted because, me. I've got just a solid silver one, and so people, I've been known for wearing those belt buckles. And it says my name on it because I only have one letter. So a photo of me, don't remember my name, turn it over and there's my belt buckle with a Q on it, so there's like oh, okay. And I put, I have actually a Google Voice, a Google phone number, so I'm not giving someone my actual number if that's what I want to do. There are times I definitely a lot of times it's just easier for me to give out my actual number, but when I'm at an event like a con, I'd much rather give someone new that I don't know my Google number, so that if things go horribly awry, they don't actually have my number. But putting my Google number on there, email address, and like a note about you know, hey we were flirting blah blah blah blah. When you are someone who's more introverted, you see someone you're interested in say at a con or something, muster up that courage, take a deep breath, go over, hand them your card and say something like, I really dig your jacket. I love your Doctor Who outfit. I think your talk about Daleks was amazing. Want to have coffee, want to get together? Whatever, here's my card. Catch up with me when you have some time. Then you can bravely walk out the door and then hyperventilate once you're around the corner. Great, so you now have contact information, you said something, you know what their voice sounds like. They know that you were paying attention to either their outfit, what their geek is, or what have you. So these are all really good ways to sort of start that thing. Neither does mine. What was I saying? Brit was saying, do you go back? Ah Brit, go back to which one? Oh my god, that is so key. I think people flirt with the end game in mind, and flirting is fun. Yeah, flirting is fun. It doesn't have to be about like, getting someone to go home with you. I think that's one of the things about flirting when you go out. I think cis straight women have more of that thing, where someone is trying to, they go out to the bar to go hang out with their friends, what have you, and the person that's flirting with them isn't flirting just for fun. They're like eh, I'm trying to get you to go home and it can be, and unfortunately because we've been sort of conditioned that like, guy with his guy friends, perhaps the idea is that they're making bets on it. You never know, so it doesn't feel as fun and it's not as comfortable. And if you are looking for that still, then we're dealing with all of the societal thoughts around like how easy you are, or blah blah blah, or how less moral you are because you're willing to go home with someone. So meh! Oh, ah Brit was asking after I drive-by flirt, do I go back? Sometimes I do. It depends. If they, it depends. Sometimes if I'm feeling it's super evolved, I'll turn around and look back. If I look back and they're looking at me, I'll just stop and turn around and like wait and sort of start to walk towards them, and see what happens. Or do you just wait to see who comes to you? Oh no, I don't wait to see who comes to me because believe it or not, if you don't see me out and about at a con, I'm generally in my room hiding. So if I had to wait to see who would come to me. But also it gives me, it's a target rich environment. I love the interactions I get flirting with folks just to flirt with them. So if I'm gonna you know, really take advantage of the environment I have, it's a target rich environment so I want to spend as much time out and about as possible. So I don't really just run away and hide and wait to see who responds, because I think for me that sort of sitting and waiting with the anticipation hoping that someone will call or connect would probably be a little bit more stressful. If I'm just doing the thing and I'm like, if they do they do, if they don't, they don't. If I'm not attached to the outcome, then I'm always surprised and pleasantly so when people reach out and decide to connect with me because of something I've done. Then I'm all like, oh my god it worked, ee! 'Cause again, I'm awkward. I think I'm hella awkward. Someone I'm dating, we just started dating recently and they're like I don't see the awkward. Oh, and Brit was saying then how do you follow up? I don't necessarily follow up in that timeframe. I might wait 'til, like they now have my contact information, yes. If I want to track them down, if I think wow, I don't know, if I'm not willing to wait then I'll go out and find them in that crowd again. I will try to find, like I'll look and see who they were hanging with maybe, or who was in their little posse that they were with, or go to a place that's very central to the con. Like when I went to Frolicon, one of the most central spots was the pool. It had an indoor pool that was kind of like, it reminded me of being in New Orleans in a way with lots of actual greenery in it, but if you hung out either at the pool or the balcony above the pool near the restaurant, it was like traffic going back and forth so you could always find, like you could sit and observe people and you'd probably be able to find 'em. Sit in a central location where people have to go back and forth. And then sort of hang out and see if you find that person. Generally if you're sitting, also, people will come sit beside you and sorry I don't mean to encroach on your space, or whatever, and so you can start talking to other folks while you're waiting to see if you find that other person. Generally I'm also a really big fan of the long game. I think it's an underrated skill. When you're attached to outcome, you've got this window of time that you want this thing to happen and it's starting to narrow, narrow, narrow and get a little bit more angsty about it. So not being attached to the outcome allows space for the long game. There are people I have been flirting with for literally five years, and nothing has happened. We would both happily be all about it, it's just that we run into each other at events and cons. When you go to leather events, often, I'm a service human and I'm in service to two people. So while I would love to have my way with just like the entire weekend, that is not the way of my life at those events. So the other times that I might, the only times that I might have free time are the times that someone else is not free, and it may work out that way for years. So I am totally okay with being like, hi I still think you're hot. Or if you need a third or a lube boy, anytime for some shenaniganizings for you, I'm here to help. Let me know. And I keep going. There are people I've flirted with for many many years and we finally had the opportunity to connect and it's been great and fun, because we've already had this ongoing connection, this ongoing flirting that's been really really cool. Capella was saying flirting for poly introverts. Get your hookups to hook you up, yes! Yes, I think poly done right is that. If you are an introverted human and you are poly, get your people to introduce you to people. I am fortunate, and I've seen it happen in other spaces where like, folks who are poly, the people that they're dating and then the other people that they're dating in their life, the metamours all that will join up and be like oh my god, this person would be great for them, and they will kind of zhuzh it and try to make it so. It's great I think when your, the people that you care about, the people that you're seeing care about your happiness and well being and together, this is why I think if you're nonmonogamous or polyamorous that your people all being able to at least talk to each other is really really important, because if there's an emergency for one, that's important to know, but two a lot of times it can be really fun. You don't have to spend every day together. You don't have to talk to each other all the time, but it can be super super fun when it comes to something like trying to find a new person, or connect a new person that you both find happy, happy making for your other person. That to me is what compersion is. Compersion is feeling joy for your person when they're spending time getting to do things with the other people that they care about. Un momento. Trying to avoid having like the coughing fit while live streaming. So yeah, having folks that can talk to each other and do things to support you in being happy. It's amazing. It's a lovely feeling. I am always excited. When my daddy talks to me about a new person that she's going to date, or a new person that she's met I'm like ooh ooh ooh, what do they do, what are they like, what are they good at, are they I'm asking. I mean I'm excited for them, so. When you can have a bunch of people, or a couple of people in your life who can get together and do the hooking up for you, utilize that. Yeah, Harry was saying I love the idea of metamours in collaboration. It's a really awesome thing to get when it can happen. And when everyone at least can talk to each other, spending time together is amazing. It's not so difficult, really? I think if you're nonmonogamous I think it's important that you're gonna be able to spend at least an afternoon in a room together and not kill each other. It's super important. It cuts down on stress. There's clear communication. There's opportunities for clear communication, so I think that's important, and yes if you are someone who's nonmonogamous, get your people to hook you up! But you also have to be brave enough to say to your people, I think they're cute or I like their book list, or are they wearing a Deathly Hallows necklace or pendant? You know, ask your people. The people that you're comfortable with and you really enjoy spending time with. Ask them about the other people around that you see, and yeah. If you know somebody would be a good hookup for someone, do it. Introduce them. Yeah, there are things that could potentially go wrong, but I'm a fan of trying to have the experience, with being aware and cautious as you need to be, but also accepting the experience and being open to the experience as it goes. Thank you Capella. Ah, Earl Grey please. It's really, it's a fantastic thing to be able to do, so anyway, back to flirting. Dating for as I said, introverts. What else would I want to say? Oh, some easy ways to find people that can at least be in your wheelhouse or interested in things that you like. And also doing something for yourself, because introverts often end up being home because they don't want to go out with a group of folks that they don't know, and if they're invited out by someone that they do know, and they're going to be a part of a larger group that they don't know, that's a lot of stress and they really won't do it. So it doesn't mean that they don't want to go, and they're going to do something like go to a bar or go someplace that's not really fun for the introvert. So a great way I would suggest for meeting other people who you, to broaden your dating pool potentially, use some of the apps that are out there. Use apps like Meetup, which show you activities based things that are all over your area. For any sort of grouping of people or things. So just about anything you can think of, like type it in there, look it up, and see what's going on near you. Maybe you want to get outside of the circle of people that you're in to start dating, for whatever reasons that might be. Start looking at your hobbies, the things that you're really passionate about. What are your geek things? Like the genealogy of Harry Potter? The history of the houses of Hogwarts? Are you a Star Trek fan? Are you a sports fan? I don't know if people would expect me to be a big sports fan, but football, basketball, a little bit of baseball. Rugby is the top of the list, so when I find people that can talk to me about current sports stuff, in particular about my teams, whichever. So finding groups of folks who have similar interests make it such an easier thing. We're talking about the sporting event, or we're talking about our geek thing. And so we're just talking, and we're not feeling stressed about trying to impress one another because we're sharing information, we're sharing our passion, and I think those are those kind of spaces where you can see other people. You can meet other people who are like you. You can see other people enjoying themselves, and so that speaks to us a little bit more. So those are I think really good ways to do that. I'm actually, dating apps in general you can do that with. It's a little bit more, it can be sometimes a little bit more difficult. I'm a big fan of taking that space that you get to use for your add or whatever's gonna happen for that is to write a very concise, but clear. Well actually it doesn't even have to be concise. You can say I'm an introverted human and these are things that I'm looking for. I'd like people to hang out with more than anything else. You can do that. That's totally okay. And if people don't respect what it is you've asked, you don't owe them a response. If you are on a dating app and someone reaches out to you, they're rude, they're not in any way compatible, they didn't even read your profile, you don't owe them a thanks but no thanks, even. If they couldn't take the time to read what you put out there to the world to let them know in the beginning, are you really gonna want to spend your time with that person? They've already shown you that they're not really gonna listen to what you want. So, make that a thing. If you're gonna use that, it's okay you can do that. I'm a big fan of it, of using the groups around. Look at other, I mean see are there groups for introverts in your area for like whatever? Because then you know, introverts together, power in numbers. And again, you're in spaces where people are understanding and they get who you are and what you're about. So you don't have to explain all of the things. So that's always a good thing. Joining a team of some sort, we have teams for everything. Back in the day it was like join a bowling league. Yeah, I mean yes you can still do that because if you've not gone bowling in a while, it's still just as fun as it was. And now that you're an adult, and don't have to be supervised, even more fun. So, do something that is different, challenge yourself. And see where that goes. Look into all the things you've been passionate about. I know there's a dating, a dating group for singles, but I don't know where they stand for queer or trans folks, 'cause I haven't given it any sort of investigation. So once I look that up and check out what they are like and talk to folks and see where they stand, I'll be more inclined to like be like yeah, go to this space. But you can do this. Dating for introverts is really not much different than it is for those of us who can muster up the courage to be a bit more extroverted, and a bit more forward. And I actually did not start out being so extroverted and I still very much am an awkward little turtle when it comes to one on one interpersonal sort of connection with folks. So despite all of the things, I am still just this awkward, shy human in a lot of ways. What helped me with that, how it evolved was being involved in communities and taking opportunities to volunteer to do things, to be a part of different things and using my voice in ways that was comfortable for me. More social justice-y things, speaking out around those sorts of things, LGBTQI equity. So people got to see me as a whole person, and the more I did that, and terrified myself to no end, which I still do, the more people got to see me and know me, and the more I got opportunities to spend time with folks and I spend a lot of time being an extrovert and I think it's being an ambivert is what someone said about me. I love being around people, I love the energy I get from connecting and flirting without any sort of intent. It is fantastic for me, and when I'm ready to power down I'm ready to power down. I want to have time at home with my fish and my dog. My housemates, cool. We just sort of sit and give each other space to be without expectation of interaction a lot of times. We can both be in a room together, but separately doing things, both on our tablets, and with something nerdy in the background. So that's a thing too. There are those moments where we want to be out, we want to talk to people, we want to see people, and there are times when we don't. Again, if you are in a situation and someone's not paying attention, not listening, they haven't respected what you're putting out as boundaries, you don't owe them an explanation about anything. You don't, you're not beholden to anyone other than yourself. If you are just trying to really go out into the dating world, think about what your boundaries are. What are your boundaries around your personal space? What are your boundaries around contact, not just physical but like email, text, all those sorts of things. It is okay to have boundaries. It's actually good to have boundaries, absolutely. Keeping yourself safe is important because that's something that is important for you so you can move through the world feeling as confident as you can. So setting your own boundaries is fantastic. Think about them ahead of time. People not respecting your boundaries don't deserve your time. You don't owe them anything. It doesn't matter if they walked up and handed you a drink, they bought you a drink, or you went out to dinner. You don't owe them anything. You gave them your time and that was amazing and valuable. You owe them nothing more. What else? Be authentic. Be your awkward, nerdy, beautiful selves. It's interesting nowadays that it's such a shift from just perfect icon of a person what the ideal woman, the ideal man should be to where we're at a point where it's about the actuality of who someone is. Whether they have some sort of life experiences that aren't just, it hasn't been smooth sailing. People who have challenges, have stories, they have personality, they have depth, and I think those are things that really appeal to us in this sort of modern age of technology. When we start to connect with actual people, we want them to be people, not just some sort of character. Thank you so much to folks that are tipping. I always appreciate this. Again, I'm looking for more fish for my tank. I got the dog food, so we're good to go. Rent's paid, so now I get to have a little fun with it. So thanks. I always appreciate the tips. If you are looking to contact me outside of being on a livestream, because I know that technology is not always everyone's friend at any given moment, including those of us who are pleasure professionals on this site, there are times my computer just hates me. So I get it. Or you're behind a firewall, you're at a place of business and you're not allowed. So you haven't been able to ask any questions or chime in on the conversation. You can find me on the internets. On Twitter, I have a not safe for work account which is _Qtip_. I have a safe for work account which is QWilsonCA, like the abbreviation for California. Facebook it's Q Wilson. Please send me a little message saying hey, I was on your stream and this is why I'm connecting with you, because I actually don't just friend everyone who sends me a friend request, so you need to let me know what's up, say hey. Let's start a dialogue. If you want to email me, you can email me at Q@dirtyblaqboi.com. That's the letter Q. Dirty blaq is spelled B-L-A-Q, boi is B-O-I.com. Q@dirtyblaqboi.com. I would love to have some topic suggestions. Let me know what are some things you guys are struggling with? What are some other things outside of dating? Remembering that I am a person of many hats, so ask me the questions. Let me know what your struggles are. I'd love to be able to do topics that are really really relevant for you. Some of you guys are coming back time and time again for my streams, and I really appreciate that. I see you, Capella. And Mimi, yes. So let me know. I'm open to talking about things that might be struggles for you, because if you're struggling with it then that means that someone else is probably struggling with it. I might be struggling with it. I am not a perfect human. I am a person who's nonmonogamous, actively poly. I deal with kink leather and BDSM community, so there's always something to talk about, to grow around. I have growth spurts too! Which is how I, this is what a lot of the topics that I share with you all are based in my own personal interactions with the world, and with the people in my sphere. So, I'm really all about helping other folks have that moment. I would love, I want you to feel like you have a friend that you can talk to who isn't gonna be judgmental, who's actually gonna be factual information because I don't want to be that friend that you had in sixth grade who was like so, I heard from my big brother that. I don't want to be that friend. I want to be the friend that you reach out to for actual information about things that are on your mind, things you're struggling with, things that you are curious about. And no one has to know that you submitted the topic. That's totally cool, but let me know. I want to know what some of the things are. I have a ton of different topics that I can work on. I have already started my topics for this coming month, for August. I still have a few spaces left, and I'm looking towards September even. So give it some thought. If you don't have a topic in this moment, if something's going on in your life and you wish you had someone you could talk to about that, hi. I'm totally down. I am not a licensed therapist. I will be clear about that, but buddy to buddy I'm happy to tell you, share with you what information I have and if I can point you in the direction of another pleasure professional who's an expert, 'cause we actually have people who like, are real people and legitly like this is their thing that they do from day to day. They went to school for it, so or I can send you resources that I know of that are available. So I'm really looking forward to getting more emails from folks about topics that they're interested in. That makes me so happy to offer it to you guys, especially on a platform where you can send me a message, send me emails, and you don't have to wait for that to like, you don't have to pay for that. We can just have this conversation. Definitely gonna build on it, no doubt. But, you don't have to pay for that, and that is something that you don't see in today's culture very often at all. At all, as far as I can tell. And I've been around for a minute, so take this opportunity before something happens. Before some sort of legislation happens and we are merely ghosts in the wind here. Let, you know use this opportunity to reach out to the folks who are pleasure professionals, and ask us the questions. Ask us the hard things that you are afraid to share with other folks. Reach out to us and let us know what's going on, and we can do what we can to share information with you and hopefully it'll be something that you can find useful. So, thank you all very much. Be kind to one another. The world is insane out there, so whether it's flirting, whether it's just starting to connect with people as humans, be good humans to yourselves first and foremost. Be good to yourself. That doesn't mean be shitty to other people. Be good to yourselves. Start being a good human if you're not, you always have time to restructure that, or just try to be more mindful about what's going on and what could be going on for other people in the world. So try to remember that, yeah. Definitely hooray for tipping when you can, 'cause that's awesome. Thank you Capella for the reminder. Yes, I can do this for free. I'm doing it, you get this information for free, but when you can tip, awesome. And as a person who's a poor queer who often can't do that for other folks, I absolutely feel you on that. No pressure. Be kind to one another. Be mindful of what's going on for you in the world. I don't think a lot of times we're given the opportunity or permission to take a step back, take a deep breath and assess what is necessary for our happiness, for our pleasure, for our survival. And those are important, and you are entitled to look at those things for yourself as much as you do to support other people. So, have a fantastic day. Thanks for joining me again. Hit me up on the internets, and I will see you guys not tomorrow, but on Wednesday. On Wednesday, I rescheduled the stream I had to cancel which was the introduction to kink. So my class I'm Kinking Now What will be on Wednesday, and I'm looking forward to doing that. So if you have any questions ahead of that one, hit me up. Talk to you later, guys. Thank you so much Brit for being around and being our moderator. Appreciate it, have a good one.

Dating For Introverts

Date
Mon
Jul 30, 2018
|
3:00 pm
|
Calendar
Monday, July 30, 2018
|
3:00 pm

So, you're single, ready to mingle and introverted. How do you put yourself out there when you're single and introverted? Q will share tips with you around connecting and letting someone know you’re interested in them.