Can I Like Sex Too Much?

Everyone is different — perhaps especially when it comes to how we like to have sex, with whom, and how often. But is it possible to like sex too much? 

In this stream, sex educator Q Wilson answers the question “Can I like sex too much?” 

Because most of us had a shame-based, abstinence-only sex education, we may feel embarrassed for liking sex for pleasure even a little bit. After all, society would have us believe sex is only for married people trying to reproduce and anything outside that is sin. It’s no wonder we question ourselves for enjoying sex at all. 

For people who do not fit a heteronormative mold, unlearning shame around enjoying sex can be especially difficult. That’s because we are inundated with messages that say sex is for conventionally attractive, white, straight people, and pleasure is for men. It takes work to claim sexual power and to mute those negative messages. One way to claim that power, is to simply get to know what turns you on, whether that be through masturbation, a sex toy, erotica, with a partner, etc. Once we can get more comfortable communicating sexual desires, we can start getting more comfortable enjoying sex, and advocating for our pleasure. 

Don’t let people shame you for having a type or way you like to have sex. Q gives the example of a person who is attracted to older men with salt and pepper hair, and then told they have daddy issues. Labeling a behavior can be a way to shame a person. Voicing concern for a person’s sexual behavior, can also sometimes be a way to shame them. Saying something like, “You slept with how many people?” “Were you even safe?” sounds like it’s coming from a good place, but is actually just a way of slut-shaming someone. Instead, we should celebrate other’s sexual adventures. 

If you have a high sex drive, ride the wave and enjoy it. Everybody’s sex drive is different, and there’s no right way to be. Don’t let other people pathologize why you enjoy sex. Don’t let someone tell you it’s because you have daddy issues, or you have an addiction, or bipolar disorder, or that it’s a symptom of drug and alcohol abuse, etc. While any one of those things could or could not be true about you, a high sex drive is not necessarily symptomatic of any of those things. It’s okay to have a high sex drive simply because you love sex. 

All in all, it’s okay to love sex and to love it a whole lot. So long as your sex life is not negatively impacting other aspects of your life or others’ lives, then you should be having all the sex you want.

Video transcript

Hi, I am Q Wilson. I am one of the many awesome, amazing educators, aka, pleasure professionals here at O.school. I am a person who has ton of different labels that are applicable. Some of the ones I choose to apply are queer, gender nonconforming, POC, masculine of center, there's a bunch more, but those are some of ones that apply. I'm a fairly obvious person, so a lot of what you see is what you get. I live my life in a way that suits me and is comfortable for me and also helps other people figure out some things, some ways to approach me. Because I know as a big black man in America I might seem scary. So I self-identify in a lotta different ways because I want people to feel comfortable approaching me, to have a conversation, to ask questions. The intersections of my life are incredibly, there's a lot of 'em. And I am willing and capable generally, if I have the spoons, for having conversations of all stripes. So those are some of the few that I identify as, but there's a bunch more and all of that sort of those experiences help shape who I am now and how I got here. Why it is I wanna share stuff with you guys. I was born and raised in the southeastern U.S. I had abstinence only sex education, so I didn't come from a background of a place where I had all of the education to begin with. I had to literally learn from scratch. I had to figure it all out. I have a bachelor's degree, I am a nationally certified trainer and facilitator, I am certified sex educator. So if you need the paper pieces, if you're like why should listen to this random human with a Mohawk, 'cause you know? Because I actually have done the process and the paperwork and I'm totally capable of sharing these things. If you're wondering why, if I'm just gonna be like a sort of like by the book person, I have a bigger heart piece as well which is kind of why I don't fit in some other spaces. But I am a person who absolutely, I love being a facilitative leader, and I'm actually certified as a facilitative leader. I spend a lot of time with babies that want to see me. And little kids, are like oh my God you're amazing, so I adore that. I love being around the little wee ones. And my four year old miniature pincher, Milicent, is a rescue and she's the best thing ever in my life. So if you're thinking about pets and something happens, something changes, adopt don't shop. It's not cool. And Milicent's amazing, and you guys being here helps Milicent have kibble all the time. So thank you very much, I appreciate that. What else? I am part of the leather community and that's where I figured out that sex really is my kink. That's something that seems really, really cool to figure out and also kinda hard to do and to deal with as a person in the leather community, because that's not a normal sorta kink. But we'll talk about that another time. Moving on. I like to share information in a way that it hope is gives you accurate, non-judgemental, trauma informed information to help you make different, better, informed decisions about who you are and what you wanna do with your life and your world and how you choose to interact with others. I have ADHD so I bounce and wiggle and get tiny bit distracted sometimes. It's how I roll. I got it. If I get too far off course let me know. Again, login to the chat if you haven't already. What else? Being on O.school makes me super happy because I get to do this with you guys and that makes me super happy. I know that guys and dudes, are language is generally considered very gendered. For me when I'm using those it's just a term of affection, endearment. I will try to use folks, humans, y'all, something else a bit more, just know that when I use that language, it's not about gendering, it's about an exclamation or something else for me. So let me know if that gets to be too much. Signing in to the chat. Oh yeah, you need either a U.S. phone number or an email address. Either one of those will get you a link to the chat. If you've never done a chat room experience before, hop in. Justin's in there today. We have actually have moderators in our chat rooms so that we can have these conversations and not worry about trolls and people who really don't, who are only looking to have this sort of fight or argument style thing. That's not what we want. That's not what I want anyway. So I would love to have a conversation with you. So login to the chat. We have Justin in as a moderator. There's also a tip jar in the chat room. So if you find my information slightly useful, kinda cool, you like the fact that I adopted a puppy, who knows, whatever the reason, the tip jar is in the chat room, please go forward do it there. What else? Oh you may have noticed if you've gone to look at the calender on the O.school site, that there's like actually for the first time in quite some time a thing, at the bottom instead of saying more events, or load more events, it says no more events. Don't panic, remain calm. We are doing some jujjing and rearranging of the site so we're gonna be doing some limited streams like on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so don't panic. We're still gonna be here. We're just doing some things a little differently. Hopefully you all will like what we're doing. We're gonna do a lot of the same things, don't panic, we're just trying to find ways to get even more people to our site. 'Cause like what we wanna do is share information with as many people as possible that want to have the information. But if people don't know we're there, da, da, da, da, so we've got some amazing people working behind the scenes to see what we can do to reach larger audiences, because I know that several of you I've talked to before and I've sent emails and we've talked in chat about how you're trying to get other people to like come to the streams, because you think they're valuable and awesome. So we hear that and we actually agree with you and we want more people. So we're working on some different things, so don't panic. August, September-ish it's gonna look oh my God, they're going away, no we're not. Relax, I got you, I got you. So anyway, I'm gonna check out our chat now. Thanks Justin for being there. When we're talking about topics like, I like sex too much, and like I said earlier, what does that mean? What are we talking about? What is I that... What's the deal? Why is it that we even have this issue? Why is it even a thing that comes up? Why would we think that we like sex too much? Where would we get the idea? And part of that I wanna go back to is like is the way we're brought up. It's our communities, it's the places that are circles of influence. It's our different cultures that we come from. We hear these messages coming from a very young age for us. We hear all of this stuff, we start to hear it about what as a gender you are supposed to be doing. So you're assigned female or assigned male at birth. And from there society tries to put you in this lane that goes with the gender roles that are assigned to that sex. So when you're assigned female at birth, you're supposed to be very modest and wait 'til marriage and all of these other things that are about holding off, refraining. Where often times, at least in the U.S. young men or people who were assigned male at birth are told go after it son, go for the gusto. They're seen as red-blooded, just doing what guys do and if you did the same thing as someone who's assigned female at birth, then there's a lot of other negative things that come with that. It's you're a whore, you're amoral. You're not worth marrying. Those sorts of things are what you hear. And it's interesting because those are the ways that we are we're taught. So we go in with this sort of... We're given these dynamics but we're not given any space to grow and evolve. We're not given a whole lot of information on sex in and of itself, at least not in most places in the U.S. Unfortunately my knowledge base is very U.S. centric and I apologize for that. I have not done as much study around sex and sexuality in other countries. My country's got it's own share of issues and I'm just trying to get through those right now. So if you have have information on other societies, communities, countries and how they do sex education, and what you hear, I would love to share that. Not just in sex education, but what you hear growing up. How were your experiences being assigned male or being assigned female at birth? What was it like to grow up somewhere else? What were the messages and what was the messaging you got from your culture about what it means to be knowledgeable and aware about sex, to advocate for your own pleasure? Were you raised to do that? Were you not raised to do that? I'd love to hear from you. So when it comes to that, most of that is like, if it's a guy and he's got all of the desire in the world then that's totally okay. It's looked upon as being like a really cool sort of thing. Folks can do whatever they want. But if you're a woman, there's this whole, there's a ton of myths and challenges around what's it's like to be someone assigned female at birth and have a high sex drive, because you're not supposed. That's unusual, it's weird, it's seen as being very masculine as a trait. So I wanna talk about a little bit about what are some of the challenges people assigned female at birth face when they do have a high sex drive. Having a high sex drive and having to apologize. Also, in looking into maybe a few of society's myths around sex and sexuality and who's supposed to be what and when and why. Some of the myths about women and their sexuality. What else do I wanna? And I think part of that starts with thinking about shame around sex and why it is that we feel shame around admitting that we enjoy sex, let alone explore it happily, but what is it that makes us feel that way. So when I'm thinking about some of the things starting with like society myths, and some of these are things I've heard as a young person. Couple of 'em I got from other folks. And they're just the things that you hear and it's really interesting as an adult now, who has continued their sex education, and I listen to some of this and would like think about some of these things in reference to like what I heard as a kid, and I'm like, wow, there's so much more out there to know. And there's still people who just, who only believe these myths because they haven't had any exposure to other things still believe these things. Like I know that there's been a rise in anally transmitted STIs in some younger populations of folks, because anal sex apparently is not sex. It's not an orgasm if it's not vaginal. There are people who believe that masturbation is bad for you, aside from the hairy palms thing, that it is against the will of greater powers, that it drains you of your will. Thinking about some of the myths or, and I get that sports is sometimes the routine of things, when it's working, you wanna maintain that. I get that, absolutely. But there's always been this... I've always heard this thing around that sex affects your athletic performance. Generally, with men and not with women. I generally have only heard that with men, particular with football, basketball, baseball. You know can't do anything, 'cause I've got a game this weekend or whatever. And so that is, your athletic performance is something that is done... Your sex life has some bearing on your the things you practice and train with and your rote muscle memory, all that sort of stuff. Anyway, and then we're also talking about things around men not showing emotion. That a real man just knows how to please a woman in bed. How exactly is that supposed to happen if we're not talking about sex, if we're not allowing folks the opportunity to ask questions about sex and how things can happen? Or if we're not talking to each other about sex? That's a huge problem. Apparently if you're being told as a male that you're just supposed to know, you're gonna go for it and not really know. And do we start to tell those folks? When do we tell those folks, someone who has been told that you'll just know how to and they don't? We sometimes act like sex is not a learnable skill, that you either have it or you don't. And that's not the case. Sex is a very learnable thing. I absolutely promise you that. For me it was lot of the science of sex, behind like bodies and anatomy. The psychology of sex. Thinking about where people's heads are, what takes away from our chances of our enjoyment of what we're doing. Just sort of thinking about all of those. Anyway, some other myths that I can think of or that I've heard or read and this is something that I think definitely is at the core of what we consider, or I would consider rape culture here in the U.S. and that rape culture being so permeated through all of the things in this country, work, home, especially in all the different sort of businesses, Hollywood, federal, everywhere, it's so pervasive, and that is when a man is told no, that just actually means try harder, that the woman is trying to play hard to get, instead of teaching each other to honor what someone says. If someone says no, no means no. There's no explanation needed, it doesn't need to go any further. Stop right there. In case no one had warned you about that, said that, framed it that way, no is a complete sentence. Keep yourself safe. I think one of the things I was saying before, hashtag don't catch a charge. If someone says no, stop everything. It doesn't matter how close to pants off or whatever is going on, if someone says no, stop. And you can have that conversation. Maybe they were saying no, in that like very breathy turned on way, and that's what they meant, was like I'm hot for you, don't stop, blah, blah, blah. But if you're unsure about things, ask questions. And it's totally okay to do that. Communication with one another is really, really important. Having these conversations beforehand is even more so if you can. But if you're feeling any sort of doubt, just stop, ask questions and go from there. But when you hear no, trust me, no does not mean, it's not translated in any language that I have ever studied or looked at, does no equate to try harder. It's just not how that means. It doesn't mean that at all. So when we're looking at some of the myths and a couple other myths like, that monogamy is easier for women. That women need an emotional connection to wanna have sex with someone. That's not always the case. Maybe women do, but so do many men. Imagine that. That women initiate sex less frequently than men. Some women do, some women don't. And hormones alone will fuel your desire, will fuel a woman's desire for sex. And that's not it, that's not true. 'Cause think about what makes you hot for someone. Like I am absolutely comfortable admitting that for me it's hot, like one of the first things that catches my attention is someone's appearance. I may not nescessarily think of the same sort of classic beauty model as hot, but generally, initially, someone catches my eye, because something about their appearance resonates with me. So that's the first thing. But after I talk to someone, it's not about desire, my hormones nescessarily. If I'm talking to someone, I need to know that your politics are good, just being able to communicate. There's so many other things that go into it. Hormones are the least of it for me. So what are some of the things that go into for you? What are some things that are necessary outside of hormones? And it doesn't matter if you're assigned female at birth or assigned male at birth, what are some of the things that you need to feel turned on or attracted to someone? What does that look like for you? And again, so getting to that, or thinking about why do we feel shame around admitting that we enjoy sex? What is it about that? It's taken me years to figure out that I could say that I really enjoy sex, to say that sex is the thing that I do, that it's like my kink, it's my geek, I love it. It makes me happy and I enjoy creating atmospheres for and environments for other people to feel comfortable and safe. To feel like they wanna talk to me or that they can talk about things with me. So that makes me super happy. And that's why I enjoy like studying sex. Because the more I know about beings as a whole, the physiology, psychology, the better I can provide space and hold space for someone to have a really good experience. So when we're talking about shame around admitting that we enjoy sex, like earlier I was saying that it's the stuff we hear growing up a lotta times. That you should wait for marriage. If she's not a virgin she's not worth marrying. That if you are curious about sex or if you are capable of advocating for your own pleasure than what are you? You're seen as a whore, as someone who is a tramp. Someone's who's dirty, who's probably gonna have some sort of disease because you sleep around. And those are the things that we have heard a lotta times. And it's now 2018. That doesn't nescessarily apply. If someone knows what they want, that's good. They're an empowered human, especially around something like sex and sexuality. Because in many places in this country, we're given little to no information about anything outside mainstream, heteronormative relationships and those dynamics. So we have no idea that there are options. And if we don't know from like, that we can have different sexualities and orientations, then we're definitely not being taught that there are different things that you may or may not enjoy in physically connecting with someone. We're not taught all that. The other thing is we've seen the images in the media, we see it all the time still, and I appreciate that there are shows like Dietland is out and This is Us that have portrayals of people having, who are not your classic iconic Hollywood type of beautiful. Meaning they are people of size generally. People of color that are not being treated as a fetish. So it's changing some, but we've had all of this time with media in general and now with the advent of social media, the internet, we're being inundated on a daily basis as to what is acceptable, what's actually beautiful and the media portrays it as only the classically beautiful people get to have like actual fulfilling sex. Anyone else, if you're a person of size, you're definitely having pity sex. If you're a person of color, it is someone trying to have exotic moment or trying to prove their not racist or trying to be different than their other friends or family by being involved with someone who's a person of color. So we haven't traditionally had as many positive models or images out there of people being able to have sex who are not your mainstream, stereotypically beautiful folks and now that's changing. Even with folks, seeing representation of people who are differently abled. Also sex and aging. We rarely used to see that and now we're seeing that more and more. Single mothers being able to meet someone in a show and creating a relationship and having a sexual relationship that's being positively portrayed. So we're having some changes, but we've spent so much time being told that, only if you're hot, classically hot will you get laid. If you get laid otherwise it's pity sex or I definitely learned to be a bit more cautious about, because I was always picked. So if someone was offering to like have sex with me or trying to hit on me when I was younger, I didn't trust it. And that sucks that I, because I didn't fit a particular mold the kind of care and caution I had to exercise to keep myself safe was a lot. So I missed out on some of the more benchmark type things as an adolescent. And I'm actually okay with that now. I think that made me more aware and cautious and I think this is one of the benefits for me when I think about where I might have an advantage in life because there are many places I don't. Being assigned female at birth and presenting masculine of center and connecting with people of more masculine energy in that sort of exchange with them, I actually have an understanding innately, inherently, because I was socialized and raised the same way. I understand what it means to like be so worried about what could end up being recorded or on the internet or if this person is actually into you. I understand all of that so I've learned to fashion my life around being very clear in my communication. And saying yeah I know. Because I'm also a fairly direct human, if I meet someone at a con or leather event and I think their hot and I want to fuck them, I will tell hi, I think you're hot. I know this might sound a little odd and I apologize if that like puts you off in some way, but I think you're hot and if you are available, I would really love to fuck. That's sounds real smooth. It takes me forever and I have practiced getting those words out, saying those things, so that when I have the opportunity I'm saying words that are comfortable for me but very clear and hopefully nonthreatening. And I also tell folks, I'm like, I've said all that and want you to know that no is a perfectly legitimate answer to anything I request and I mean that. So I'm giving permission to say no. I'm being clear in my desire. I am being clear in what I think about them and I'm also giving them space to say and permission to say no, but also giving them permission by sharing what I want in the way that I have that they can share back with me. Letting them know that I'm open to conversation around different things. So I love that I get to have those sort of opportunities now and because I had such a weird, not weird, but as a nerd that sounded like this and grew up in the projects, it wasn't pretty folks. It just wasn't. And it's often again, women are more stigmatized around having a stronger sex drive. And when we're talking about having a stronger sex drive and looking at some of the challenges that women face particularly and I cannot speak to what the challenges are that men face, because I have not been socialized as male. So if someone wants to chime in with some information and talk about some things, hey New Gal, if somebody wants to share some information with me, I am all about that. So New Gal says, "Honey, hey". They were saying yes, these images are so ingrained in me. I'm trying to work past them, which is why I'm here. Thank you so much and I'm glad you're here. I am so surprised. It's not gonna be a whole brag thing. So last night I was out and ran into a friend and they greeted me with "hey handsome" and I'm just likeI'm like no. And they're like you're always handsome. And I'm learning that what the standard of beauty was that was I was raised with, it changes when you get, when you find your people, they will be as affirming about how you move through the world and who you are that when you are with people that see you, they're going to support you. And whether I think that way about myself or not, they're like you are handsome. And I'm like oh that's great. So I feel differently about it. And seeing more images. There's several different shows I like to watch. I just finished watching Pose. If you haven't watched that, it's on FX and it's really, really awesome, especially if you're a younger person and you're wondering, you're trying to, you haven't really thought about the AIDS crisis when it was full blown and that sort of way. It's a really good way to sort of catch up with that. Looking at the different types of folks they've had in that. Another show that I like, right now I'm watching Claws. When you look at Desna, the lead character, she is, she and her brother, their back story is that they were raised by, they we're adopted by foster folks, or raised by foster folks who abused them. So Desna took it upon herself to raise her brother, which is something that is a similar, people can relate to. If you're a person of color and your family is not around, sometimes we have to take on raising our siblings and things like that. And so she's building this business of her own. And to see Desna not portrayed as someone who is stick thin with really like exotic eyes meaning they're like gray or green or something like that. Desna is a black woman with weave and curves. If you've not watched it, like Desna fills out a denim jumpsuit like no body's business. Just to be able to see that on a regular basis and see, and yeah this is a dark comedy, so it's not like the most accurate portrayal of things, but just to even see that image is amazing. So I'm really excited that the world is moving more towards that. And some people aren't gonna have it. And that's fine, don't watch. It's your loss, I'm fine with that. New Gal was also saying, as if people's energy and personalities and experience don't make for better sexual experiences. That is what I have discovered is that it's weird to be, it is weird and different for me as a person of color from the south to be where I am at this point where it actually matters to me with how someone's energy resonates me. And I know that sounds so cheesy. I'm just like, oh, I say these things, but it's true. Learning to connect with people and actually talk and understand that not everybody's gonna wanna talk at certain points. All I can do is offer the whole space and if they don't want, that's okay too. I can be like thank you bye, bye. Which is literally what I say. Thank you, all right have a good night and I bounce off to somewhere else. I don't take it personally. I don't get mad about it. But it really does mean more. It's not about a bank account. It's not about the suit you wear. 'Cause I'm a Dapper Dandy on a budget and so if you're gonna come at me with like some like what you're wearing, it needs to be on point in the way it looks. I don't care about the materialistic parts. I'm much more excited about hearts. What do I see in someone's heart, what can I see there. And that's with friendships, with intimate partnerships, any of that, I wanna know. 'Cause I've now had some experiences where I'm like yeah let's do the thing and the person's idea about our connecting was very different. And this has been with friendships, this has been with romantic relationships. So it's not like it's just a thing. For me what I've learned is that I now have standards and that was something I was never given permission to have. I was never told that I could have standards, that I could choose how I wanted to move through the world and if people didn't wanna respect my standards that I didn't have to interact with them. And that's something that I think more people need to know. And we need to do that from a much younger age. So while we're talking about I like sex too much, again, what we're actually talking about is breaking apart why it is we have those thoughts. Why we have the bias around being comfortable with sex, being comfortable with talking about it, being knowledgeable about what pleases you and what you like. So if we go all the way back, because sex isn't always about the actual act of fucking, a lot about sex is very, very mental. So giving agency to young people and I'm not talking about teenagers, I'm talking little kids and starting with things like not forcing them to hug people just because they gave them a gift or because a relative hasn't seen them in like three to five years. And they're like go hug your aunt or your uncle or your cousin and the kid says no, we often have like pushed them off to do the thing. So we learn very early on that we have no control over our lives or we're shown that, that it's not up to us. So if we're raised from a very young age to be told that it's not up to us what happens to our bodies, we don't learn to defend ourselves or advocate for ourselves, whether that's our safety or our pleasure. We don't learn to do that from a very young age. And I think when we start to do that at a much younger age, then we start to get to ages where we're interacting on more physically intimate levels and thinking about things like that, we also have this foundation of I get to say no, I get to saw when, I get to say how. So I think that's something we really should work on and I really appreciate that we're getting there in some ways. One of the things that I'm really excited about doing is like reaching out to other communities of color and like I'm willing to come in and have conversations, because lots of people don't have this information. And it was a joy for me to learn and share and I'm happy to share it otherwise. So if you're in a community that needs some conversations, I'm down, holla. So New Gal was saying also that last night Marcelo was talking about how she sees the differences to be in words. What do you mean when you say fuck? I wouldn't know how to describe the different ways I wanna be with different people, because they differ. Yes, that's true. I say fuck in like I mean the very classic, very intimate sort of relationship. However, when you're thinking binary, masculine, feminine, and you're thinking penis and vagina sex. I'm a queer that has lovers who are queers of all stripes: transmen, transwomen, queer folks who are agender, who are gender nonconforming, who are all of the things. So when I say fuck that could mean a lotta different things and it depends on who I'm with and what that looks like for the two of us in that moment. And some people who are, one of the things I love about being, I identify as a boy, yes, as a masculine of center human. I am not what they would classically call a top, someone who only does the one thing. I'm a hoe. I like sensation, I like pleasure, mine, the other person's, let's do this. So I don't have like one thing that I like to do specifically all the time. And it definitely varies from person to person and connection to connection. So yeah, it's very different. When I say fuck it's something that's the equivalent, no matter which dynamic I'm in, how queer the dynamic is in that moment or the match up is, it is what would equate to in queer sex, whatever, to the most like heterosexual sort of thing, like the classic penis and vagina sex. Things that people are like, oh that's fucking. So it's stuff like that. But intimate connections can also be just cuddling. Intimate connections can be going for a walk and holding hands. So it doesn't have to be physical, but that's part of it for sure. And when we're thinking about liking sex too much, advocating for your own pleasure and doing what suits you and what feels good for you, one of the things that I, I've seen it written, but the first person that I can think of that actually I heard this term from was Andre Shakti and it's escalator relationships. And it's that classic sort of, you meet somebody, you like them, you date for awhile, you date for awhile, maybe you move into together, maybe you get a pet together, maybe you buy a house, get married. Whatever, you just kinda keep hitting these elevating benchmarks. I'm not that person. That is not it. Because that was the foundation in which my life was built, that was the story that I was told, that was what I was supposed to do. And even as a queer human, like I never was engaged to a dude. I've been engaged three times to women. So I bought engagement rings and it never worked out. I don't like that. For me I'm non-monogamous and I'm now like what I say is solo polyamorous. I want my space but I still wanna have other folks, but I don't wanna share a space and join finances. I've done that already. Don't wanna do it. So for me, being queer and doing all the things, it's kind of a, it just depends on who I'm with and what's going on. So I love that fucking can be so many different things and so awesome and amazing. One of the things I'm not the best at, someone had sent me a question on like, anything on penile topics? Me and a factory installed penis haven't seen each other in quite some time. So I'm not the best at giving advice or answering questions around penis and vagina sex, outside of a scientific sort of way, between like college and my sex ed stuff. Yes I can answer it, but from an experiential sort of point, it's been a minute. And by a minute, it's been well over a decade, probably heading towards two, probably two or more. Anyway, so I'm not always the best about. And yes, Desna, loves me some Desna. I'm catchin' up on Claws right now. So if you're not watching that show, check it out. It's also very socially relevant in a lot of other ways. Desna's brother has autism. He's a grown man with autism. Yeah that was you, awesome, about the penile thing. Awesome, me and dicks don't get down like that any more. Back in the day though, ooh, I tried. Yeah, no. That whole find the right prince. To find the prince you gotta kiss lotta frogs. I tried kissing all the frogs. No, anyway, but yeah. So watching Claws, awesome. Anyway, so looking at other things that we were talking about. Some of the things that are, especially if you're a women when it comes to the myths you hear about liking sex. That you know you're told that you, if you like sex, if you know about sex, you're a slut. You think about some of the other things is that you're intimidating to your partner, or they're intimidating to their partners. And again it's that whole men are horndogs, women are not. But if a woman is verbal, vocal, can advocate for herself that she is intimidating to men. Being slut shammed by friends and partners and that shit is real, yo. As honest and forward and open as I am about my life and who I am, I have those moments where I meet people and they're like, they have a moment. They recognize that I have a lot of sex and it conflicts with what they've been raised with. And while we wanna be, and here's another thing, as much as I know all the things, and I'm studying and all of that, my biases are there. We all have bias in our brains. It's the way we were raised. When we're coming to working that out, it's about acknowledging that we have a bias and then doing the deep dive on ourselves to figure out what that bias is about, where it stands and how can we shift that. So it's not uncommon. And if you're someone who, even if you're monogamous you still get this. You're with a partner, you've been with a partner for a very long time. And so things start to shift if you want more sex and they don't want to have more sex, you are fine with taking yourself, it's hot for you, you enjoy it, and then you're getting this, wow, you're jerking off a lot. Or you're doing a lot of masturbating. You're getting attached to your Hitachi or your sex toy. That you're addicted to it. Those are all shaming things and that's not really the case. That's not the truth of the matter. You are advocating and you can do what you wanna do and that's totally cool. Other things things about that are having your desires pathologized. You've got daddy issues, because you like to give blow jobs or because you have an attraction. You're physical type is someone who has salt and pepper hair looks older than obviously you are. You're working out daddy issues. If you like to have sex then you're a nympho or that you're a sex addict. So having people judge you and label your behavior based on their bias again. That especially when you're non-monogamous and you meet new people, it's always interesting in some cases like you meet other people who are really awesome and amazing. Then sometimes you meet people who are just not very trusting of you because you have a high sex drive or that you're openly non-monogamous. And again, no biggie, just ditch them as people. You don't need that kinda negativity in your life, let it go. And you don't have to explain and educate them. If they wanna be educated, you can maybe point them in the direction of some information, but it's not your job to actually educate them all the time. If you feel like you have the spoons and you want to do it, cool, go for it. What are some other things? Yeah, those are the top ones I can think of. If you had any sort of things happen, are you a person that has a higher sex drive, and by higher sex drive I mean you can advocate for yourself. Higher can be anything other than male initiated sex. Do you have a higher sex drive? Have you heard crap from other people in your life about you enjoying your sex drive and having anything to say about that? And another thing looking at some other things around stuff when it comes to high sex drive if you are assigned female at birth, there are things like they tell you what to do. There's like the whole pathologizing of it when it goes to that is when you're looking... If you are a person, I love the internet for research. I caution you to do multiple sites for research not just one, don't go with the first one. Suss it out, six sites at least if you're looking at information. So it was like I was looking for information on women with high sex drives and how that and I came across an article that was all about like, why you would have. So the title of it is, What are the Causes of High Libido in Women? Like there has to be a pathology behind it. You have to have a reason. Aside from daddy issues, you've got medical conditions, drug and alcohol abuse, bipolar disorder, a pancreatic endocrine tumor, persistent sexual arousal syndrome, which may be a thing, hypoadrenalism. So if you have a high sex drive and you are a woman, then there's gotta be a reason why. You can just be and exist and enjoy having sex. And that's not the case. So there's a lotta people out there finding information and looking for information and not actually talking to folks. Or finding one article to look through. Oh yeah, New Gal has a question, I'll get right to that. I see that. So people are going out and finding one source and generally you're finding the sources like that, and it's telling you that you are crazy basically. You're not crazy if you have a high sex drive. That's totally cool if you have a high sex drive, you're not crazy. Your body wants it, you want it, enjoy it. And if you're being shamed by partners, if you're being shamed by friends and loved ones, maybe thinking about, not taking on their shit, number one, that's their business, their shit, they've got their own things to work through. And letting them know, thank you for sharing your opinion. I see that you have some work that you need to do on yourself. I'm gonna continue to work on myself. You're not crazy, you're perfectly fine, there's nothing nothing wrong with you. New Gal was saying, I missed your talk on safer sex, what about shame with having a chronic STI, but still wanting to have great sex? I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex and having a chronic STI. That means that you need to be honest with partners, use barrier methods to reduce risk. If it's something more outbreak prone like herpes, or something like that, not having sex when you have an outbreak, 'cause that's the responsible thing. Outside of the that, conversation, talks with your lovers or your lover and seeing where your comfort level falls. There are people that will have sex with folks who have chronic STIs because it's not what you're thinking. A lotta people are like oh my God, a chronic STI, that's disgusting. Many people on this planet, in this country have something that's an infection that could be considered an STI. A large percentage of the United States population has HSV I or II and that's a herpes simplex virus, either oral or not oral. Herpes, a ton a folks, and a lot people don't know they have it even, because one they've never been tested, because why are you getting tested if you're not worried about an STI. It's not about the people are like they don't support you in. Traditionally we haven't been supported in, oh that's fantastic, it's healthy you know your status on all of your STIs, that's amazing. In my world, that's a conversation starter. I spend a lotta time in kink and leather and sex positive circles. So being able to say, I was tested on this date, these are the things I was tested for, I was reactive or non-reactive. And I like language like reactive and non-reactive. We're taking about testing and not someone's moral standing or their physical being. So saying dirty or clean, positive or negative, those are very weighty words to me. It's a test that you're taking, tests are scientific, scientific responses, you're saying it's reactive or nonreactive. It's just that simple. And for some people it's not a big deal. I'm not one that if someone is having an outbreak or something like that, that I'd be like, oh yeah let's do that. That's not the best course of action for in my life. Because I am a non-monogamous person I have other partners and some of my other partners have other partners and that wouldn't be the wisest choice for me to make, thinking about everyone else. But outside of that, it's about a conversation between you and the other person, and where everyone feels comfortable with how things stand. New Gal was also saying I've always enjoyed sex and feel very powerful in my femineity as a sexual power and agency. That's kinda bad ass. Like I didn't figure out the power in that, not in the what would be described as traditionally gold digging behaviors, trying to land someone for a thing for a reason, but just the power that I have to create and I think about it in the sense of, I'm a service oriented human so I really, really, really enjoy creating spaces where people can really open themselves up and explore their different desires and things like that. What someone might think is kinky is being like having sex doggy style as opposed to missionary style. Some people might think that kinky is being head to toe latex and having sex. But it's different for everyone and being able to create spaces for folks to ask for what it is they really, really want and know that I'm not gonna laugh or judge or condemn them for that. That means the world to me and there's such a big healing energy in that for myself, because it was something I was never given and I hope, I hope it's healing for the other person. So New Gal was okay, so with herpes I've heard that because it's skin contact infection, even barrier methods don't work. With hetero penetration, what are your thoughts? I know, I know you're not a penis expert, but you're a sex nerd. So my biggest, the biggest help I would offer would be this, would be the, they're called female condoms, I don't like that. I use terminology around they insertable condoms. The FC2 is what you can ask for and it's like a sleeve, it's a little bit longer, it's wider, and it also provides more coverage on the vulva. They can be inserted I think up to five hours ahead a time. While they're polyurethane, they warm with the body, so they're a bit more pliable and malleable. So if that is something that you're thinking about, it's a possibility that you could use. But again, using that with a condom might be even more. That would reduce the risk more. Definitely knowing... I would recommend having sex with an active outbreak. But if you're taking meds, using barriers, the risk of transmission is much lower, but it's not an absolute no. And that's pretty much, and one of the things I was saying I my safer sex talk was that things that are considered STIs that sometimes we wouldn't think about it that way, but scabies, crabs, pubic lice. Those are STIs, and some of those have nothing to do, you can contract them not by sex. Yes you can contract them by sex, but you could just be hanging out some place, wrong place, wrong wrong. They didn't do the towels great in the locker room at the gym that you go to, whatever it is. So there are ways to lower the risk. There is no form of connecting with someone else sexually that is not without risk. There are ways to lower your risk. The only other things that are awesome and amazing that are completely devoid of risk are mutual masturbation, masturbating for one another, that's always a really good way to do that, if you're really concerned about that. Otherwise it's about knowing what your medications are, where you body is, and being honest and talking with other folks about what's going on with your body and using whatever protective barrier methods that you can use and going from there. New Gal was saying you're awesome because of that, because of that Q. And it comes through the screen that you hold space for folks to open up and just be themselves. It's something I wish someone had done for me. I wish someone had told me earlier on that I have choices. I probably would have made some different choices earlier on. I'm super lucky that my body did not suffer for it. I am very fortunate that I didn't end up pregnant. 'Cause all they said was don't have sex or you'll be gross and dirty. We didn't even get the condom talk. So, eh, and I want people to know as early as they can. I don't go around doing sex ed to children in the same way I would do sex ed with you guys. But I'm happy to share information with parents and things like that. And if someone had told me earlier on that I could, that I don't have to settle, that it's okay to say hey, I love your enthusiasm about what you're doing right now and if you could do this, this way, or shift this thing, this would be right on point. Nobody told I could do that. And now I know that and now I encourage other people to do that. And I model that behavior for folks. We are almost outta time. Justin was smart and already up in the chat my contact info. Like I said, we're gonna be doing some shuffling of things on O.school, don't panic, we're not going away, I'll still be around. And the way you can hit me up if I'm not online, because we're gonna go down to like two days a week that we're streaming with two or three streams a day maybe. So my not safe for work Twitter account is underscore Q tip underscore. The reason it's not safe for work is that I'm a sex worker and I have queer adult film friends. It is actually a locked one. So you actually have to let me know that you wanna get in there. My safe for work one so you can follow me anyway without the worry, it's Qwilsonca. Facebook, I'm Qwilson on there. Send me a DM. If you wanna be friends on Facebook send me a message please and say hey I saw you on, I just wanted to follow. And I'm like cool. 'Cause if you don't tell me, I am like who is this random human? Fake news, fake people, let me know you legit. And New Gal was saying, yeah despite my sexual power, I wish someone had shared these things before I was 41 too. Right? If I knew what I know now at 18, man I would wrecked shop. It woulda been amazing. The lives I could of touched. The booties I could of touched. Anyway, the other way to contact me, you can email me at Q@dirtyblaqboi.com. That's the letter Q, dirty, black is spell b-l-a-q, and boy is b-o-i.com dirtyblaqboi.com, Q at. So hit me up, send me questions especially if you're like off somewhere and you couldn't ask questions and your kinda peepin' at me outta your pocket 'cause you're at a wedding, 'cause that's awesome or you're doing something with your family and just trying to hide, send me a message and let me know what your questions are. Also, since we're gonna be shuffling some things around, shoot me some topic ideas. I wanna know what'll get you guys back. So many people, so many people have so many things that they wanna ask and I wanna make sure that we get more information out there that you really wanna know. So shoot me a message, let me know some topics so I can see what we can do about getting you what you want and what you need. I hope you have a fantastic Saturday. I will be around tomorrow. I think I'm doing the kissing one again tomorrow. So it's one of my favorite topics. Yeah, we'll get to that tomorrow. Have a fantastic day. New Gal, was saying, oh the lives you could have touched. Thank you Right, right? I appreciate you being here, stick around. We got one person I think today, or maybe not. Or two more, we've got two more people today. Check out their streams. I'm a little different. May they're your cup a tea. I appreciate you being here. Enjoy the rest of your day. Have a good one, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Later.

Can I Like Sex Too Much?

Date
Sat
Aug 4, 2018
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2:00 pm
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Calendar
Saturday, August 4, 2018
|
2:00 pm

Do you feel shy to admit you enjoy sex? Sometimes society shames us for enjoying our sexual selves and lusty appetites. Join this stream to talk about embracing your desire for pleasure and de-stigmatizing what it means to like sex.