ON-DEMAND

Can I Get Addicted to My Vibrator?

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Streamed
Thursday, July 26, 2018

Do you have trouble cumming with partners? Worried that you might be addicted to your vibrator? Tune into this stream to learn the pleasure mechanics of arousal, myth-bust masturbation and get a tour of the clitoris!

Video transcript

Welcome everyone. We're gonna go ahead and get started 'cause it is six p.m. on the dot and I am so excited to be back for my monthly O.school webinar. I'm not totally sure what's happening. The humidity in New York is really bad today. So my hair just keeps going bananas. But you know what? It is what it is. We're gonna be talking about vibrators tonight. So hopefully after using your vibrator your hair is bananas. And that's wonderful. So welcome everyone. It is so much fun to be back this month talking about whether or not you can get addicted to a vibrator. I'm Kait Scalisi. I am a sex educator. And the founder of Passion by Kate, which is an award winning resource for women and couples who crave a sex life that's as intimate, exciting, and fulfilling as the rest of their relationship. Hi Mia, love it. Come on in everyone. So most of my work really whether it's doing webinars or workshops. Whether it's doing writing or one on one counseling is really focused again on helping figure out and say yes to your desires whatever they are. And however they show up for you. And let go, heal, release, all of the bullshit like these ideas around vibrators that we're gonna be talking about tonight that holds us back from doing that. Because what I've seen in my near decade of being a sex educator and peddling vibrators. Straight up and just do that disclosure. I do sell vibrators. I've been selling them for a long time. I think they're such a great tool for finding freedom in pleasure, for stepping into your desires. So yay for sex toys, yay for vibrators. But what I've found is that it's not just about oh hey, I know I want this. It's also how, what's holding us back. And when we address the things that are holding us back, then we're able to really step into our pleasure. So again, I'm so excited to be here tonight. A couple disclaimers, a couple housekeeping things. Number one, I like to make it really clear that I am not a therapist. I am a sex educator. I work with people around short term strategies and then again, like I said, I do workshops and counseling and things like that. But not a therapist. Number two, as I also said, I know, love, and sell sex toys and I think that consent counts in the business world too. And so I like letting everyone know that I do do that, okay? Couple other pieces of housekeeping. Of course, I want to thank my mod Mia who is here with us tonight. I'm so grateful to have you. For those of you who if it's your first time here with us on O.school, please we'd love for you to join us in the chat. It is completely anonymous. You don't have to put your name. You don't have to put your initials. You could make up a great name if you want. It's all fine. Totally fine. It's completely anonymous. And it is moderated. And I know Mia will be sharing more information about that in a couple minutes. So thank you to Mia for being our mod tonight. And thank you to everyone who is joining us, who's in the chat as well. As always, again, if it's your first time here, if you just need the reminder, tips are always very welcome. Not only do they support O.school's mission of bringing this amazing sex education to you every single day for free, that's amazing. Nothing good in life is free anymore, except O.school. But it also supports those of us educators who are here doing this work. So your tips are greatly, greatly appreciated. And one way that I say thank you for giving the tips is not only by expressing my undying gratitude, but I also have a resource list after every webinar. So if you do, if you're feeling generous, if you're able to tip today, we greatly appreciate it. And then you could just email me at, I'll put my email in the chat here, you can email me, let me know that you donated, or that you tipped, excuse me. And I will send that resource list to you. Okay. So. Let us talk about vibrators. I have a habit of burying the lead if you will. So I'm not going to do that tonight. Instead I'm going to just answer the question straight up and then we can delve into the nuance and the nitty gritty of it. So, can you become addicted to a vibrator? Is Sex and the City an accurate depiction of what happens when you get a vibrator, or a new vibrator? The very short succinct answer is no. You can't. And I'm gonna tell you the reasons why. We're gonna talk about arousal and desire. We're gonna get a little geeky. For those of you who are familiar with me you know that my background is in neuroscience and public health. So we're gonna get a little geeky here. And we're gonna delve into why. But the big takeaway is that no you can't get addicted to your vibrator. Even if it feels like you're obsessed. Even if you got a new one and you don't want to leave your house all day. Again, Sex and the City reference. It doesn't mean that you're addicted. So now we're gonna backtrack a little bit. And I wanna talk a little bit about why people use sex toys. So what are some of the reasons that either you use toys or vibrators or you know of, or you have a friend who does? And remember, the chat is anonymous. So what are some reasons that people use sex toys? And the reason I want to start here is because our conversations about sex toys in this society I feel like get really far away and very quickly get very far away of the reasons, from the reasons that people first used toys to begin with. Hey Mickey. Right, so. People start using toys for some really fun reasons. And then our conversations around toys are a lot of doom and gloom often. And that's not totally unwarranted. Using body safe toys is important. Supporting ethical companies. All of that's important. And also let's get back to some of the reasons that people use toys. So this has actually been researched. And then also again I've been peddling vibrators for a while now. So this is what I've heard from people as well. So, what are some reasons people use sex toys? Most common are they want to spice things up or try something fun. Try something new, excuse me. Or it's something fun and different. They're trying them out of curiosity or their partner suggested it. Said hey, let's try this. Some other reasons are that it makes orgasm easier, better, stronger, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So what all of these reasons have in common is they come back to this idea of the name. They're called sex toys for a reason, right? They're toys. They're about playing and having fun. And using our imaginations. When we're kids we could basically make a toy out of anything, right? We always joke about how the kids don't want their toys, they want the boxes or the wrapping that they come in. These are adult toys. They're the adult version of that. So we can use them to play, to add variety and fun and difference. And use our imagination. But instead what often happens is we get a little obsessed or we worry, we worry, we worry. There's issues of partners that come up and so on. But at their core, toys are supposed to be fun. And on top of that, there's a lot of benefits to using toys. And we're gonna delve into some of these a little bit more and kind of how they interact with this myth that you can become addicted to your vibrator, 'cause you can't. If you're just tuning in, welcome. I've already spoiled the answer. You cannot become addicted to your vibrator. So there's a lot of benefits of using them. And really it comes down to using toys makes it easier to orgasm, makes it easier to get aroused and in the mood. And increases overall sexual satisfaction. Those are some pretty good reasons, right? Or some pretty good benefits, excuse me. There's also the fact that most people with vulvas, more than 70% need some sort of clitoral stimulation or other stimulation besides penetration in order to experience their orgasm. And toys are designed to hit those spots. All right, they're meant to be used on places like the clitoris, or the g-spot, or the butt, or the perineum. Or um, nipples or whatever. So, toys have all of these benefits. And I think any conversation that we're having about toys and potential negative sides of toys needs to also be grounded in these fun, exciting, this is what toys are here for. And they do a lot of good. What often happens though is that we, we kind of dismiss some of these benefits. And I'm not gonna go down that rabbit hole right now, but I'm just gonna plant that seed. Now, this is all good and well. But of course there are some negative sides to using toys as well. And the good thing is that none of these negative side effects are long lasting. So anything I'm about to say is quickly and easily remedied, okay? So some negative side effects of using toys include desensitization, say that five times fast. Desensitization, numbness, irritation, some swelling or pain, or maybe even some tears or cuts. But again, I want to really stress any of these things are temporary. They don't last a long time. Additionally, almost all of them have very easy fixes, right? The third thing is that they may or may not be related to vibration. They could be related to the material of the toy if it is a toy that it does not made of body safe material like 100% silicone or hard plastic. All right? Could be related to a lube that's being used that may cause irritation, pain, numbness, et cetera. It also could be related to what the toy is being cleaned with. Which a lot of people overlook. But if you use a soap that leaves a residue on the toy and that soap then kind of interacts with the flora and the fauna in the vulva or the anus, that can cause some not so good stuff. So we don't always know that it's the vibrator causing these things. But I want to read a couple, I want to read a quick thing from this fabulous book. This is one of my go-tos. It's Sex Made Easy by Debby Herbenick. I forgot until I was doing prep for tonight that it's signed. I don't know how I forgot that but I did somehow. So in her section on toys she has kind of an FAQ. And says what to do if your genitals go numb from vibrator play. Genital numbness from vibrator play is rare. In our national vibrator study, the vast majority of women who used vibrators, 83 1/2% of them said that they had never experienced any genital numbness in connection with vibrator use. Yes, okay. Of the 16 1/2% who had, most of them said it had happened only once or a few times. A small number said it had happened every time. When genital numbness did occur, it usually lasted only briefly. For less than five minutes or for less than an hour. So that's been pretty good. I like that. Some pretty good statistics on our side. She goes on to say if you experience genital numbness in connection with vibrator use, there are a few things you can try. You can stop using the vibrator, at least until you've had a chance to talk to your healthcare provider about it. You can also shop around for a lower intensity vibrator or one with a multi-speed dial so that you can change the intensity based on your individual preferences or desires. Remember that. Multi speeds are good. Keep that in back of your mind. Some women enjoy the power of a high intensity vibrator, but find that it's too much for direct contact with their genitals. Rather than holding the vibrator directly to their vulva, they place a small towel, blanket, or piece of clothing in between the vibrator and their genitals. Other women like having the vibrator pressed directly against the clitoris or another vulva part and find that applying generous amounts of water based lube, I lost my spot, there we go. Is enough to reduce the friction and make vibrator use more comfortable. If you have ongoing issues or genital numbness or other side effects that concern you, or if the numbness or other side effects are severe or bother you, check in with a healthcare provider. There is so, so much goodness in there that applies whether you are worried about being dependent on your vibrator, which is the term or in a rut with it. Which is the term I like to use over addicted. 'Cause you can't get addicted. Just gonna keep saying that. Or you're experiencing any of these other sex side effects. Excuse me. Okay. So, to recap. For those of you I know I have some people just joining. Again, hi I'm Kait. And you can't get addicted to your vibrator. Vibrators have so many benefits to them for arousal and desire and orgasm and just overall sexy fun, good things. And people really primarily use them for fun. Because they're toys and that's what they're meant for. So if we keep reminding ourselves that they're toys. They're not always meant to be used. Any toy, you don't use the same toy all the time. And you don't always use the toy because sometimes you have to do pesky things like go to work. Or make out with your partner, right? If we want to make this a more relevant comparison. So you can't use toys all the time. And they're meant to be fun. And you're meant to have fun with them and explore. Okay. In terms of negative effects, they do exist. They can happen. They often are temporary. Things like being numb or desensitized and not a lot of people experience them. If they experience them, it's rare. And if they experience them, it's very, they don't last a very long time. Okay? So basically toys cannot permanently numb you or ruin your arousal or orgasm. Okay, I'm gonna say that again. It is not possible for a vibrator to permanently numb you, to ruin you, or to permanently change how you get aroused, and how you orgasm. Okay. It's just not possible. Okay. All that being said. There are some things that can happen. And before I get into that, 'cause you know I weave in and out. If you've watched before you know this is my style. If you're new, welcome to the ride. So before I get into that, I also want to just talk about this idea of being ruined and being addicted and this language. Where it comes from, why it's harmful, and why it's just a load bullshit quite frankly, right? So these ideas that we have about arousal and orgasm specifically. Especially if we're talking about women and fems is that they're given to us, right? A partner gives them to us, right? The language is I gave you an orgasm. In reality, I wrote this down before and I think it's pretty genius so I'm gonna just read it. Orgasms aren't given. They're self made. In all situations. And I feel like there's a whichever Kardashian/Jenner reference in there. 'Cause not a self made billionaire. But that wasn't on my mind when I wrote it. So orgasms aren't given. They come from you. And sometimes they happen when someone else or something else, like a toy is doing a thing, but they come from you always. So when we, we have this fear around who owns sexuality and who gives it to us. And so if you can give all that pleasure to yourself, then why would you need a partner, right? These are some of the fears that are behind this language, these worries, and these fears. Okay. Jessica, great question. This is Sex Made Easy by Debby Herbenick. So, this conversation about addiction really stems in many ways from these fears that people have. And again, since most vibrator users are women and fems, it ties further into this fear around who controls female sexuality because for so long it has been controlled by someone else. Even vibrators, if you look at their history, and I know some of this is starting to potentially be debunked. But the history that most of us have heard and know at this point is that they were started to assist with the treatment of hysteria, which is a made up illness. Basically it was just stress. That could be relieved by manual stimulation of the vulva. Aka an orgasm. Because we know orgasms are great stress relievers. So, everything about this is very tainted and these patriarchal ideas around women's sexuality. So again, orgasms aren't given. They're self made. You control your pleasure. And partners contribute to that pleasure. They're part of it. But they don't necessarily, they aren't necessarily the whole thing. There's also the fact, there's also this fear that a vibrator, a toy, will replace a partner. And I always say to that well, yeah some nights they will. Right? Because some nights you want something quick and easy and fast and low maintenance. And you don't want to have to worry about anyone else's pleasure but your own. But at the end of the day, a toy and a living human being, are just different. They fill different roles. They fill different needs. They're never, a toy is never going to replace a partner. Ever. It's just not possible. Again, I jokingly say on some nights, yes. But they really fill different roles. And you know, some nights, they might also fill different holes at the same time. And that's great too. The third thing around this in this like why is this question even? Just like, why? Why do we have this? We also have this hierarchy. There's this idea that if you can climax without a toy, that's the best way to climax. If you can climax with just fingers, or with a penis alone, then that's good. And if you need a toy, that must mean something's wrong. No, that's bullshit. Every single body is different. Again, penetration doesn't do it for most people with vulvas. It's just not enough. So there is no hierarchy of what brings you to pleasure. There is no hierarchy of orgasms. It's just not how this works. So toys can't ruin you because you can't be ruined. That whole idea is a myth. And toys let you take back your pleasure. They're fun. They add all these benefits, right? The other piece here is this other idea, this last idea that using bigger toys can stretch you out. But again, we know that the vagina is extremely elastic. And it is basically designed if we're talking evolutionarily to snap back after vaginal delivery. So it's meant to accommodate some stuff and it's meant to go back. That's the whole point of an elastic is it goes back to how it was. So, you're not gonna be ruined. You can't be ruined. You're wonderful and perfect just the way you are. And you own your sexuality. You own your orgasm. They come from you. I'm just, I'm really passionate about this. And I think it's really important that we hear, we start hearing these messages instead of oh well you're gonna get addicted to your vibrator. Because again, that's rooted in all of these fears. And all of this patriarchal bullshit. Excuse me. Okay, so we have talked about a lot so far and now seems like a good time to remind you, or invite you that if you are enjoying this content, if you enjoy O.school in general, we certainly welcome, invite, and are grateful for tips. They help keep O.school running and offering this great content. And they make it possible for educators like myself to keep coming on and providing the content. So everyone wins and we're very grateful for all of the tips that you give. Okay. So finally we're getting to what can happen? Where else does this idea come from? Maybe you know someone who is like, I got totally addicted to my vibrator. Or you know someone who couldn't orgasm with a partner after they used a vibrator for a while. Or maybe they used to be able to orgasm with just their fingers, and now they can't anymore since they started using a vibrator. And so on and so forth. So all of those experiences are valid. They are real. And here's why. Here's what can happen. So you can't get addicted, but you can get reliant or accustomed to using a vibrator. And what I like to compare this to is that just like you can get into a rut with your partner, you can get into a rut with your vibrator. So when you're in a rut, things are boring. You're doing the same thing every time. Things don't feel as good as they used to. Maybe things aren't running as smoothly as they used to. The same thing isn't, same stimulation isn't leading to the same pleasurable outcome. So you can get a little bit you know, in a rut. A little bored. It happens. It's going to happen. And it's fixable. And it's so easily fixable. We heard about some of the things in the book already. I read you some of the kind of what to do about it already. So Mickey I love that you're saying yes, you own your own orgasms. Yes! You own your own orgasms. They are yours and yours alone. And if a partner helps you get there, that's great of them. But it still comes from your brain and your body, not theirs. Theirs was a tool. Just like a sex toy, right? All tools. Okay. So, you can become accustomed or reliant on your vibrator. So basically our brains are, look for shortcuts. And if you think about the sheer amount of things our brains have to take care of in any given moment, of course they're gonna want a shortcut. They're going to want to figure out the fastest and easiest ways to get something done. This is why we judge people quickly. 'Cause our brains like to categorize. They're like oh I need to know where to put this person. Bum, bum, bum. Where do they fit into my world view? It is why we sometimes will without I'm thinking with partner dynamics you hear a tone and you immediately get angry, even if you don't hear the words that they're actually saying. It's just like, super like, you hear the tone and you are off to the races. Because there is a pathway in your brain that connects this tone with getting into an argument or whatever it is. So our brains, there's actually in sales psychology, which is also a very patriarchal oppressive field. But something that has always stuck out to me and can often be used for bad is this idea of the click whir response. So one of the examples they use is that if you're standing on a line and you are like, running late for something, you're running late for something so you're like shit, I gotta move fast. I wonder if this person in front of me will let me go? If you say would you mind if I go in front of you? They're not super likely to let you. If you say would you mind if I go in front of you because, it doesn't matter what comes after that because, their brains hear that and think oh, you must have a good reason. And they're more likely. It's not guaranteed. But they're more likely to let you go forward. That's pretty cool. It's a little scary how easily our brains can be tricked. But it's pretty cool. So all this is to say our brain likes shortcuts. So if we are experiencing, if we're using toys in the same way all the time, our brains start to learn this is how I orgasm. So those connections, those neural pathways get stronger. And we now know that the brain isn't just kind of, it doesn't just stop growing in our mid 20s. It's constantly, the neuro pathways are being strengthened. Other ones are being kind of taken out. If you've seen, if anyone has seen Inside Out, they kind of show a little bit of this. I think prune, I'm like is pruning the right word? I think pruning is the right word. Some sort of gardening, farming reference involved in this process that I'm struggling to remember right now. So our brains are constantly growing and getting rid of the stuff that we don't need. This is why, I'm like all about the pop culture references, this is why I like couldn't remember anything about the American Revolution before I went to see Hamilton recently. Totally just did a humble brag, not even sorry about it. When was the last time I thought about the American Revolution? Maybe high school? I was a science major. We didn't do that shit in college. So, that information has been gone. It's gone from my brain. It doesn't stay because I'm not using it and engaging it. So, now that I have geeked out and bragged and all that jazz, if you are only experiencing orgasm with a vibrator, what can happen is your brain learns hey, boom. This is how we orgasm. And so that pathway gets stronger and stronger and stronger. And other nerves are kind of rerouted to go that way. I hope you see where this is going. If you don't, it has to do with retraining. All right. So yeah, you kind of teach your body this is how I experience orgasm. Period, full stop. And it can make it harder then to experience orgasm in other ways. Whether that's with different toys, on different speeds, with your fingers, during intercourse, et cetera. So your body can become accustomed to anything in life including how you orgasm. So basically your body comes to expect certain forms of stimulation in order to experience orgasm. But the good news is you can always switch this up. How difficult it will be depends on how long you have been in this rut. You've been kind of training your brain to experience orgasm in this certain way, but it is possible. And there are lots of different solutions if you will or tactics, tips, tricks, et cetera for you to take to help kind of unlearn some of the ways that you experience orgasm. There's also the fact that I want to bring in here that this is only a problem if you feel like it's a problem. So I said before, we have this hierarchy, right? Like orgasming, experiencing orgasm without a toy is seen as better in our society than experiencing one, needing to use a toy. Or wanting to use a toy. And that's bullshit. But if you're like hey, I'm just happy to be having my orgasms and I don't really care if I need to use a toy to get there, great. This is your permission slip to keep doing what works for you. Period, full stop. So this is only an issue if you feel like it is. If it's something that you genuinely want to change. Not because a partner said something. Not because society tells you something. Not because Cosmo says something. But because you are like you know what? I want to embrace all of my body's orgasmic potential. I want to unlearn this because I know that the way I'm masturbating right now or I'm using my toy right now is kind of not the healthiest way to be coping with stress. I worked with clients where they're just kind of rubbing one out really quick at the end of the day. They're not even enjoying it. And it's just become this coping mechanism. And that it's also impacting their experience of orgasm in other situations. Okay? So there are a lot of valid reasons. It could also just be because you want to. So there are many, many valid reasons why this could be something you want to change. But you don't have to unless you really want to. Unless it's really bothering you or you want to. And whatever your reason, your reason is valid. Okay? Cool. So before I get into some of these strategies for kind of retraining, I want to do a big recap. 'Cause I know I'm seeing that people are continuing to join us. Thank you, love having you here. So I want to like get some of y'all up to speed. I'm like struggling with the water tonight y'all. Okay, so. We started with the fact that you cannot, it is physiological, not possible to get addicted to your vibrator. We talked about some of the reasons that people use vibrators. Primarily 'cause they're fun. They're toys. You're meant to play with them. Hurray! And we also talked about the benefits. The pros and cons. So the benefits of using toys. And that they make it easier and more likely to experience orgasms. They increase your arousal and satisfaction. We also briefly touched on Is going a little bananas right now. So I'm gonna attempt to make it stop. There we go. So, some of the negative side effects and how they're always short term, and they're not common. Which is good. And they're easy to fix for the most part. Then we talked about some of the fears that underlay this question of whether or not you can get addicted. This fear of sexuality, of who owns sexuality. How your orgasm is your own. We talked about how partners, toys cannot replace partners at all. They fill different roles. Sometimes, but not always different holes. I'm never going to stop loving saying that. And this big fear about being replaced. Or being stretched out. And how that's all also a load of b.s. And then we just talked about what can happen. Which is that you become reliant on your toy. You get accustomed to experiencing orgasm in a certain way and you kind of train your brain and your body that this is how, this is the type of stimulation I need from a vibrator to experience orgasm. Which can make it more difficult to experience orgasms from other type of situations or stimulation. And how the only reason you need to change this is because you genuinely want to. And whatever that reason is it's valid and welcome. Okay. So if you're enjoying yourself, again I invite you as Mia put in the chat, if you're loving what we are sharing here, we'd love if you could give a tip. It's split 50/50 between O.school and myself. So it helps keep this platform running. I also do a gift to anyone who tips. You just email me. It's passionbykait, K-A-I-T at gmail.com. Super easy. And I'll send you a resource list. It works on the honor system. So you don't even have to reveal yourself. You can make up a fake email if that's what you want as well. Okay? So I'd love and appreciate the tips to help keep us doing this awesome webinars and these awesome, I should call them live streams. 'Cause that's what we call them here. I've been doing a lot of live streams and teaching this week. So, it's all jumbling in my brain. All right. So last but not least, and I'm so glad we have a lot of time to talk about this. And I also invite you, if you have questions, if you have concerns, pop 'em in the chat. Let me know where your questions are around this topic, around vibrators in general. But I'm so glad we have a good chunk of time to talk about kind of retraining your body for pleasure. What to do if you do feel like you're getting into a rut. You're getting with your vibrator. You're getting comfortable with it. And you kind of, oops trained your body. I also want to say that the similar thing that I see happening, the similar thing to this that I see happening for people with penises, 'cause I feel like often the conversation about vibrator addiction is for people with vulvas, that's how it's discussed. But it's not the only option. Is for someone with a penis who masturbates with a dry hand, kind of really rough, and then it's hard for them to experience an orgasm with a partner through any sort of, through the partner's hands or any sort of intercourse or oral sex. And these same things apply. This idea of retraining your body and kind of uncoupling some of those nerves, neuro pathways is it. Thank you so much. Clitosoris is telling me that a tip came in. Thank you. Email me. And I'll hook you up with the resource list. So, thank you so much. So what can you do if you find yourself in this position feeling a bit too comfortable with the vibrator and not being able to have the orgasm you want? First of all I'm gonna say it's gonna vary. The exact things that you need to do depends essentially on how long it's been. So look at this time as a period of kind of exploration and growing your self knowledge and self inquiry. And it just happens to be sexy and pleasurable and fun and may lead to orgasms. That's a good thing. So, first of all you want to start making time. Particularly if you're someone who typically uses the vibrator very kind of get off very quickly. You want to recognize that other methods, other ways of stimulating yourself whether that's alone or with a partner are gonna take more time. Because again, your body's not used to it. It's looking for this signal, this specific type of stimulation and it's not getting it. So you want to make sure that you're giving yourself time. Maybe you make this a daily habit. So back in May, one of my friends and colleagues who's also a Kaitlyn. We're wonderful people. Did a mindful masturbation challenge. And so for the entire month of May, we set aside 30 minutes a day. And the idea was that we did not go, it wasn't mindfulness in the sense of breathing and getting present and not letting our brains get distracted, it was a playful inquiry into new ways to turn ourselves on and to get ourselves off essentially. So we set aside 30 minutes every day to play and explore and see what else felt good. And that question what else is so powerful. For your solo sex life and partner sex life. What else turns you on? What else feels yummy? What else gets you off? Brings you to orgasm? When you always keep asking that, you will, it is so much harder to get into a rut. Because you're like oh, what else will feel really good right now? And you could do it in a moment, but also kind of on the overarching level. And I love In Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski talks about desire as a curiosity. And I don't know the exact quote off the top of my head, but she basically says desire is just curiosity. It's just moving towards something that's like ooh, I think this feels good. Let me explore it some more. So you could do this again. You could do this very formally and set aside some time. Say you know what? For the next 30 days I want to expand how I experience orgasm. And so I'm gonna spend 30 minutes a day touching my body, using not what I normally use, especially if it's a vibrator. Or you could just say the next time I masturbate or want to go use a vibrator, I'm going to not do that. So give yourself some time. Another thing to do is to only change one thing at a time. So often with this becoming accustomed to a vibrator, it's because we're using the same vibrator on the same setting in the same position with the same amount of lube or no lube all the time. And so that's a couple different things that you can switch up. Maybe you start by using the vibrator on a lower speed. Or on a pattern instead of a steady state. And that's where you start. Or maybe you use, you switch up how much lube you use or you switch up your position. Or you switch up your toy. And all of those things are also good preventative things. So if you're not in a space where you're in an accustomed rut with your vibrator, and you don't want to get there, those are all good areas to say you know, again, hey today I'm gonna try a different setting. Today I'm gonna be in a different position. Same thing if you're using a toy during partner sex. Switch up one thing at a time. And figure out, think back and be like what's easiest and impactful to switch? So if it's easy to switch, if you typically use your vibrator maybe after partner goes to bed while they're sleeping, it might not be as easy to switch up your position, but you could switch up a speed. So choose one thing at a time. Yes, I love that definition of desire Mia. Agreed. I love the idea of desire as curiosity. Curiosity's so sexy. I hate the like, killed the cat. No it didn't. It got the cat lots of orgasms. Um, okay. So make time. Change one thing at a time. Take some time to get present. So part of, I'm gonna go back to that mindful masturbation challenge, part of it was taking time at the beginning and the end. And the beginning was to get into your body. And maybe do some dancing or stretching or taking a shower or bath. And the end it was taking a few minutes for just stillness. And these are great ways when you do this to just get present in the moment so that you could notice your arousal and your pleasure more. Maybe it's writing a list of all the shitty stuff that happened on a Post-it note and putting it on the door to your bedroom and then going in and giving yourself pleasure or having sex. So you're literally leaving it outside. Maybe it's just doing some meditation, or movement or whatever. I don't care it is. You can do some eye gazing or staring into the eyes of your partner for a few minutes. Or some cuddling. But doing something that shifts your focus out of your day and into the present, into your pleasure works on so many levels. It helps your brain say like, oh this is a priority right now. And I don't have to worry about that other stuff. And it helps you just notice oh you know what? That actually did feel really good. 'Cause you're not worried about all those other things. So getting present can be really helpful. Using lots of foreplay. Foreplay is amazing. And you can have foreplay on your own. Instead of going straight for your genitals or straight grabbing your vibrator, can you touch your body? Can you pull your hair? Play with your nipples. I don't care what it is. Again, this can be done solo or with a partner. And I, Mia I don't know what you said that laughing emoji about but I'm full of the like quips tonight. I'm in a mood apparently. A little sassy. So using lots of foreplay to again notice what else feels good? How can you start building pleasure before you even go down to the genitals so that way the other piece of this is as you're doing this, you're kind of teasing yourself. And so then when you do get to your genitals, everything's gonna feel better and heightened. And it'll be easier to experience orgasm without the vibrator. Lots of foreplay. You can also play around with engaging or relaxing your pelvic floor. And I say, I'll explain why I say engaging or relaxing. So the pelvic floor is basically the sling of muscles that go in and around the genitals. And so you have regardless of what genitals you have, everyone has a pelvic floor. Has these muscles. Often we talk about doing Kegel exercises to strengthen them for stronger orgasms. And that can be really fun. And if you haven't explored kind of contracting and relaxing them during masturbation or during partner sex. Definitely recommend that. The other side is so many of us walk around with chronically tight pelvic floor muscles that the other idea may be to focus on relaxing them. And there's a few ways to do this. The easiest way is through breathing. And so when we take in a deep breath, what usually happens is the diaphragm moves kind of up and at the same time, it kind of tilts like this. The pelvic floor is supposed to move down. So they're kinda moving away from each other as you expand and inhale. And when you exhale, they kind of come together. So you could start to really focus on sending breath all the way down into the PC muscles and start to imagine and ultimately notice that movement. And that alone will help them relax. And help settle them. And if you can't, again, if you can't feel it, you can imagine it. Because cool thing about our muscles, when we think about them, if I think about doing a bicep curl right now, a good, I think something like 70%, something pretty high of my muscle fibers in my bicep fired when I just think about it. I don't have to do it. So if you can't feel it yet and it can take a few times to feel it, just imagine it. You'll still get some of that activation and relaxing. It's great. Another good one is happy baby is a great stretch. And you could think about doing some happy baby stretch. If you don't know what that is, just Google. It's a yoga pose. Beforehand or you can masturbate in it. Use your toy or your fingers in it. Try it during partner sex to help relax those muscles. Relax or use your muscles. You could think about syncing them, right? So inhale, exhale. That was, my next one was breathe. Which is kinda what I just talked about. So with the PC muscles and the relaxing. But also taking deep breaths. So often as we approach orgasm, as we get more and more aroused, our breath gets shallower. You want to do the opposite if you are retraining your body. Excuse me. You want to take deeper breaths. You want to again, think about breathing into your pelvis. Into that pelvic floor. All the way in. And as you do this, as you're focusing on this, you can really start to actually feel kind of the energy and the arousal building. And I've had some clients through doing this as a regular practice even start to experience orgasm just from that deep breathing. And again engaging and relaxing of their pelvic floor alone. And these are people who came to needing a vibrator. To orgasm. So it's really cool to think about how much power you do have. So taking those deeper breaths as your pleasure build helps it build more. Yes, okay. Being patient. This process, again depending on how long you've kind of been in this rut, how long your body is used to experiencing orgasm in a certain way, this may take some time. And not just the individual sessions of masturbation or partner sex, but also the just like time. Weeks, days, weeks, months. So I really like the mindful masturbation challenge was a really fun way to kind of have accountability around this. This is something again that I hold accountability for a lot of my clients. Because this topic comes to me very often. And so giving these assignments if you will and holding that accountability so that we're taking the time and retraining is really, really powerful. And I highly, highly recommend again, finding a group. Bringing your partner on. Working with a sex educator, therapist, counselor like myself. It really helps and you get so many more benefits. Just like working with a trainer versus working out on your own. Except this is retraining your body for pleasure. Which is more fun than the gym. Let's be real. So being patient. The other thing is you may need to just take a full on vibrator break. Right? None of these things that I've said so far mean that you can't use a vibrator, but it may just be that you just have to stop using your vibrator for some period of time. And this could be kind of a long term. Again, maybe you say for the next 30 days I'm not gonna use any vibrator at all. Or it could be that it's a shorter thing. So one of my favorite stories to tell is I had a client and she was struggling with this. And what we realized, kind of what her solution ended up being was that if she didn't use her vibrator for a few days before she was gonna have partner sex, she was fine. That's so cool. I love that she figured that out. And it was such a happy medium. Now she was in a long distance relationship so she had a sense of when she would and wouldn't be getting it on with her boo. But I give this as an example to really illustrate that it doesn't always have to mean. Right what I'm saying is not that you have to fully stop using your vibrator for now and forever. That's not what I'm saying. It could be that we find a solution. You figure out something that works for you. Oh my gosh. I love that you just, I definitely read eating up all of what I'm sharing and then saw a cookie jar instead of a gift jar. So I think I'm gonna go get a cookie when I'm done teaching. But yes Mia. Thank you for saying that. Cookies are also welcome I guess. But if you're enjoying this and eating it up, yeah thank you Mia, for encouraging you all and expressing our appreciation for giving a tip to support O.school and myself. Okay, so you might need to take a vibrator break. And this is one of those things where if I said that and you are feeling like, ooh, that feels right but I don't want to have to do it, then it's probably the right direction. And what I encourage you to do is be really strict about it for again, say a month. Say for the next month I'm not gonna use my vibrator. Okay. And after that, you could start incorporating it again. After that you can start using it and incorporating it. And during that time, again you're gonna be using your hands, and your partner and really focusing on what else is bringing me to pleasure? Now what may happen is you don't experience orgasm as much or as often or as powerfully. And that's kind of annoying. Not gonna lie. Orgasms are wonderful. But as you do this, again you'll notice that your pleasure starts to build and you may end up having even better orgasms than you expected. It may not happen right away but as you really take the time to be present and get in touch with what feels really good, what else feels really good, what can happen can be really magnificent. And if at the end of 30 days, you're like fuck this, I want to go back to using my vibrator. And you know what? I don't care. That's fine too. Remember, you are the only person that gets to say whether or not this is an issue for you. You are the only person. So consider taking a vibrator break. And again, even if you're not at the point where you're in a rut, this could be a fun little challenge. And regardless of what happens, whether you succeed or fail, I use those in quotes 'cause this isn't really something I see as you succeeding or failing at. Regardless of what happens, you'll have learned something. You'll have gotten more in touch with your body, with your desires, and you'll be one step closer to finding freedom in pleasure. Which is what it's all about. And the last thing I want to say is to make and I kinda touched on this already, is to make switching it up a habit. Right? So I said this before and it's worth repeating. So if you are already there, then it's kind of like important to really go in and start making these changes. Again, if it bothers you. If you aren't and you're worried about it, then now consider this again, your kind of sign. Your suggestion, your little gentle push to start switching it up now. Can you do some of these things I already said? Can you use different toys? Or the same toy on a different settings? And different amounts of lube. Different positions. Different amount of pressures. With vibrators, if you press them into you, versus not, it actually changes how your body perceives the vibrations. It changes. So something as simple as applying or not applying pressure. Doing the opposite of what you normally do can make a world of difference. And if you're looking at me like what is she talking about? No it won't. I'm speaking from professional and personal experience right now. I went into that mindful masturbation challenge totally like okay, whatever. Like cynical as fuck. And I came out of it just totally like wow. This is absolutely incredible. So, sometimes the smallest shifts are the best because they can lead to big changes. And they build your confidence in yourself that you can do it. That you can change. All right. Woo! We got through a lot tonight y'all. So, to give a full recap. And I have a little quote that I want to read from Come as You Are. And I think, think I did my timing good. So to give a recap. You cannot get addicted to your vibrator. I'm gonna sing it because I've said it so many times. I wanted to do it different. It's not possible. Yes. Not possible, okay? So people use sex toys 'cause they're fun. They add newness and variety, mixes things up and they make sex feel better for a lot of people. Especially people with vulvas. Hurray. 'Cause they make it more likely to orgasm. And they hit all the right spots. And if we keep reminding ourselves that sex toys are meant to be toys, then some of these concerns about addiction and being ruined and that bullshit, there not as important, they don't have as much power. 'Cause they're just toys. Sex toys can have some negative side effects like numbness and desensitization. But they're not common. They're super temporary. And they're easily fixed. By using more lube, by using a different vibrator. Which are also great ways to address if you're a little too dependent on your vibrator. But you can't permanently numb yourself or change how you get aroused and how you experience orgasm. Vibrators can't do that shit. Okay. These ideas about addiction, these fears about addiction really stem from fear of kind of individuals owning their sexuality. They stem from fears that partners will be replaced by toys. And that's just not gonna happen. Because toys and partners are different. They fill different roles and as I've said a few times already 'cause I'm just having fun saying it, I love rhyming. Sometimes they fill the same or different holes as well. And they're just not gonna be replaced. And we all own our sexuality. Even if it doesn't always feel like that. Our arousal, our desire, it all comes from ourselves. What can happen with vibrators in particular is that you get accustomed to them. Your brain, if you use the same vibrator as again, often in the same way, same setting, same amount of lube, same position, your body starts to, that neural pathway gets strengthened and your body says that this is the sensation and stimulation that I need to experience orgasm. So in order to break that, 'cause you can retrain your body, you can switch things up. And if you aren't there, I still recommend switching things up 'cause it prevents it. Use different toys. In different positions. Different speeds. Different amounts of lube and pressure. Make time. Consider not using your vibrator for a bit. And having and doing a mindful masturbation type challenge or mindful sex challenge. Where you just really lean into your pleasure. You get present. You breathe deep into Probably not this quote. 'Cause I don't think I have time to because we are at our end almost. But I do want to end with this. I'll read just a part of it. So Emily writes that orgasm with vibrators occurs relatively quickly for many women because a vibrator provides much higher intensity of stimulation. And some women get comfortable with how quickly they orgasm with their vibrator. Which leads them to forget how long it took without the vibrator. And then they get frustrated. But, if you change the goal of orgasm. If you change you how you play with yourself, you change that so the effort then that all changes, right? Pleasure is your goal, not orgasm. And if you switch it up, that's the way to go. So thank you all so, so much for joining tonight. Again, for those of you who tipped, thank you so much. Email me and I will send your resource list. If you enjoyed this, if you enjoy the work that O.school does, we encourage you to tip. 50% goes to them. 50% comes to me. And it supports our mission and our work in keeping providing these free workshops and live streams for you. And you also get a little bonus from me as a thank you for tipping. You simply email me passionbykait, K-A-I-T at gmail.com. And I'll send you a resource list. Thank you all so, so much for watching. I will catch you next month. Last Thursday of the month. I am always here on O.school doing a stream. Have a wonderful night.

Can I Get Addicted to My Vibrator?

Date
Thu
Jul 26, 2018
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1:00 pm
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Calendar
Thursday, July 26, 2018
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1:00 pm

Do you have trouble cumming with partners? Worried that you might be addicted to your vibrator? Tune into this stream to learn the pleasure mechanics of arousal, myth-bust masturbation and get a tour of the clitoris!

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