Building Sexual Confidence

For most of us, being confident in bed isn’t just something we’re born with. Instead, building sexual confidence takes time and practice. It’s a skill to be developed just like any other. 

In this stream, sex educator Q Wilson discusses how to build sexual confidence using a couple valuable techniques. 

1. Look back on past experiences. 

The first thing Q suggests is to look back on past experiences where you felt most confident, and ask yourself what helped make you feel that way. Take those positive feelings into your next relationship and/or sexual experience and build on them. 

2. Know what gives you pleasure. 

This can start with masturbating — a great way to explore what turns you on and to gain more body confidence. “Learning to give yourself pleasure or receiving pleasure are really really awesome ways to start to feel more solidly in our own bodies and being very present,” says Q. If you’ve been with the same partner(s) for a period of time, but feel insecurities about your body or your attractiveness, remind yourself that you’ve already met their standards. 

“Stop worrying about it and enjoy the moment, enjoy this opportunity to connect with another person,” says Q. 

3. Learn to communicate. 

Communicate with your partner by setting your own boundaries, learning their boundaries and what’s on and off the table for today. Having these kinds of conversations can feel awkward (as your sex education likely didn’t include communciation or consent skills), but it’s something you can practice. The more you communicate, the better you will be at asking for the pleasure you want and finding out what your partner wants. 

4. Focus on pleasure, not performance.

So much of our performance anxiety comes from pressure to meet unrealistic expectations, often set by porn that tells us every session must end in orgasm.  “Don't focus on performance, focus on feeling good, and making each other feel good,” says Q. We don’t need connections to be about sex all the time, and we don’t need sex to be about an orgasm. 

There’s no one-size-fit-all definition of sex, gender, sexuality — any of this stuff. So might as well pave your own way by exploring yourself, what feels best, what brings you joy and pleasure, and then communicating those things to your partner(s). Once you can start communicating what you want your path to look like, the more confidently you can walk it.

Video transcript

Thanks for hanging out with me today, I am Q Wilson, I am one of many awesome educators, AKA pleasure professionals here at O.school. My goal in being a pleasure professional here is to openly share what knowledge I have, in the hopes of helping you to raise your standards, because no one should be having bad sex anymore. We've got sites like O.school, so, no more. Anyway, again, sign into the chat. There's the two ways to do that. If you're using a US phone number or an email address will suffice, either one of those are good, again, email address works. And why would you want to sign into the chat, you ask? Excellent question. Partially because it's an awesome place to share information, it's a great place for you to participate in the conversation so we can actually have a dialogue. We can talk to each other about the things and stuff, what do your brain hamsters say? Another reason is to be able to tip your pleasure professional. There's a tip jar in the chat room. So hey, go for that. So let's talk about sexual confidence. I was thinking a little bit earlier that I feel a little bit like a fraud when I talk about sexual confidence, because I don't think I'm all that confident. I think, I feel a little like a fraud because I'm like, I'm a giant giant nerd, and I'm often very very nervous when I'm being very intimate or being sexually intimate with someone. I'm really fortunate in that I am a person who is non-monogamous and I have a number of different people that I connect with intimately. It still doesn't make it any easier, it just kinda multiplies that anxiety sometimes, because each person is different. My connection with each person is different. But there are some basic parts about how I connect with people in general that I think go for any kind of relationship, so I wanna talk about a few of those. I would love to have your questions, so again, log into the chat if you haven't already, and give me your questions, that would be fantastic. First thing I wanna say is that everyone experiences confidence issues when it comes to sex. I am a queer adult film person. I have sex on camera and I still have confidence issues. So everyone has issues, it's not just you, you are not weird, it's not strange, it's pretty freaking normal, actually. And while that is the case, instead of letting that discourage you, I wanna challenge you to embrace your insecurities. Think about embracing those things as they come up and giving yourself a little time to prepare for what could be potential challenges along the way. So it doesn't matter whether you're monogamous, non-monogamous, whatever. There are times when many of us have, will have times where we're less sexually active in our lives than we might like. So then the thought of getting back in there, really engaging in sexual activity again can spark some feelings of insecurity, so. It often feels like, by the time we get back into things, we're back to square one about how we feel about ourselves, the confidence we've gained and things like that. So I get that, but you're not by yourself. This is something that happens to most people, and it's kinda like, how do we do that? Hey Chris, how's it going? So it's a thing, and you're not by yourself. So I'm gonna start with some things that I want you to think about. Again, please log in to the chat. I wanna know what your questions are. Give me, what are your, one, what are your questions, two, what are your things that you do for yourself to build your confidence? Because my experiences may differ very much from your own, so please, I would love to know what it is that you do to build your own confidence. So, some of the things that I wanna talk about. The first thing I wanna talk about is learning from your past. Whenever you create a new connection with someone, that's, there's so much promise there. Don't let that stress you, that's a wonderful chance and a wonderful opportunity to go back and look at some of your best work and go, how can I improve that, what can I do differently, how can I make that better? Those are great times to really, to look back on some of the past experiences, and hopefully, you've moved past the point where looking back on those experiences are painful. So think of it as a learning tool. I think of almost every relationship I've had, could it have turned out better, possibly, but what I can say is that I've always learned something from each relationship I've had, so that's kinda what, even when it comes to sex, so when we're talking about building our confidence, look back on those parts. Think about the times that you felt most confident in those connections, in those moments with other folks. What was it that helped you feel that way, and kinda pull that piece forward. It doesn't have to be attached to a particular person, this is you building you, so that's important as well. The other things, the next thing I think, is such, that I'm gonna, that I wanna talk about, I think is super super large, and super important, and something that we are not really, we're not really ever told to do, we're not given permission to do. I grew up with abstinence only sex education, I am from South Carolina, so that's what we had. So there was no talk about what are other ways of, there was only there is no way to have sex without it being an abomination. You're gonna get a disease and die, wait till you're married, that's all the information we got. So there was never anything that gave me permission to explore what it is that gives me pleasure. And often, for most of us, that starts with masturbating. So, know what gives you pleasure. Know what certain touches feel like for your body, investigate that, explore that. You can explore that alone initially, if you'd like, and that's really kind of a really, in my opinion, that's a very good way to build your confidence, to know that certain touch, certain angles of penetration, toys, whatever, are the things that really get you going and bring you pleasure. Then when it comes to talking about things with folks, you have this knowledge about yourself that you can share confidently with someone else, which ultimately boosts their confidence, because now you've given them a little bit of a roadmap to work with. They feel less stressed because now they know some things that you know about yourself that actually bring you pleasure. So there's less guessing, and more time to getting to the things we actually really really wanna do. So, oh, hi, Alexandra. Yes, masturbation is somewhat, it's the awesome. When we're talking about the ultimate, in my opinion, the ultimate risk free way to have sex, masturbation is it. It's an important way to explore who you are, what pleases you, and if you're one of those people that's really looking towards your own health and wellbeing, that's one way to explore who you are and what pleases you without perhaps crossing lines in your own being about being a virgin when you're married or whatever your own personal boundaries are, your own personal things for yourself, masturbation, I think, is a very fantastic way to explore what you want and what pleases you, which gives you that opportunity to help someone else connecting with you feel like they're less stressed because you're now able to articulate to them, this is something I like, this is something I enjoy, and go from there. And when it comes to that, of course, thinking about masturbation, there's so many different, Luna was saying earlier, or talking about shame around sex. There's so much shame around sex, and I don't feel like there really should be. I think it should be one of those things we absolutely learn more about and study for ourselves. When it comes to masturbation, reacquainting yourself with your body is a really good way to first accept confidence and then gain more confidence and what it is, who it is when it comes to being with someone else for you. It's super easy to forget the positive things about our bodies when we're feeling really insecure, which, when you're getting back into the swing of things, and reconnecting with new folks, you know, we're gonna focus on those insecurities, and we forget about the positive aspects of what it is to be passionate and to have pleasure, to give and receive pleasure, so we get caught up in focusing on the parts of ourselves that we don't like as much, so learning to give yourself pleasure or receiving pleasure are really really awesome ways in which to start to feel more solidly in our own bodies and being very present. So another thing to talk about when it comes to sexual confidence that I wanna talk about is communication. Abstinence only sex education does not allow for communication. It's saying, don't have sex, so therefore, you don't ever learn to talk about sex, including things like setting your own boundaries, or setting boundaries in general. We're not given that sort of framework for things. We're taught that you're not supposed to have sex, at least not until you're married, and then, magically, you're supposed to know exactly what to do on your wedding night. I feel this is not a good plan, but what do I know? So when it comes to just even talking about sex, talking about what we like and things we've explored, knowing what gives us pleasure and being able to share that, and we're not taught to actually talk about these things. And when we're looking at the dumpster fire that is the US right now, based around things, around consent, and being able to communicate and things of that nature, it's a big deal. We've created this giant society of things that we didn't actually tell anybody how we're supposed to do it, where we didn't give anyone permission to sit and have a conversation about what we want, what we don't want, what's on the table for today, versus the idea or concept of blanket consent, because consent is not a blanket thing, it is an evolving thing, it is a changing thing, it can be given or rescinded at any point in time, and should be respected always, always. So we're not even given that sort of information that we should talk about things, so why are we surprised that there's so much that's happened, that's now coming to light around what happens when we fail to communicate, when we fail to educate our young people to communicate with each other and to set boundaries and hold those boundaries as well. Other things to talk about when it comes to building your sexual confidence, again, what are some of the things that make you, hey, New Gal, oh my gosh, good to see you again! Talk to me about some of the things that help you feel confident when it comes to sex. What are some things that you want help with when it comes to building your confidence? I might already have that in the list of things I'm gonna go over, but I still wanna give you information that you wanna know, so that would be helpful for me. So other things I wanna talk about, when we're talking about communication is key, that is such a foundational piece of everything. If communication had been happening prior to this, we wouldn't be in the situation we are now. However, we're here now, and what can we do? Talk about it, it's going to be uncomfortable. Communication can seem weird and awkward, and like, oh my God, I don't know how to do this. It's okay, because we don't. We weren't taught to do that, but it's a, very much a learnable skill, that's super important. So learning to communicate, so that you can say the things that you like so that you're not enduring things, 'cause again, you shouldn't be having bad sex anymore. We are, there's so much knowledge available. If you're already viewing things on O.school, you are ahead of the curve, bravo. Bring your friends. So, we've got things like O.school that show us, that give us the space to explore those things, we should do that, take advantage of those. Focus on pleasure and not performance. Don't make orgasm the goal of everything. We are taught that, especially if porn is your educator, which it has been for a lot of us, me included. It shows that the ultimate goal of every jackhammering session in porn is that someone's gonna have an orgasm, hopefully both people, but it's totally okay if only one has one, but that's porn, and it's a really unrealistic standard of what sex should be like. Porn has done us such a disservice in the past when it comes to how we should interact physically, intimately, sexually with each other. That's not the way it is. Don't focus on performance, focus on feeling good, making each other feel good. Again, this is when talking about what pleases you, what brings you pleasure, sharing that information with your partner, whomever that may be at the time, whether that's your monogamous, long term, you've been married for 30, 40 years, or you are someone who is solo polyamorous, and this is one of the million people that you are fortunate to have in your life. This still goes, across all types of relationship dynamics. So focusing on your pleasure, focusing on being connected to one another as opposed to how do I get this person to come or how do I come for this person. Those are really stressful ways to think. That's not necessary, so don't think about that. Think about what's, enjoy the pleasure, be in that moment, especially when we begin new relationships, or we've only been with one partner for a long time. We tend to be really really anxious and we wanna, we start to focus on things like our attractiveness or our size and shape and weight and how we'll perform. So, set that aside. If you're at a point where you're being intimately connected, if you're fucking, if you're having sex with someone at this point, you've already met their standards. Stop worrying about it and enjoy the moment, enjoy this opportunity to connect with another person, especially in this kind of culture where we're so, so many people connect via screens and we don't ever actually see each other. We have business consultants and people that we talk to on a daily basis that we've never met. And we have friends that are similar, internet friends, all right, so when we have an opportunity to be face to face with another human, and being able to connect intimately with them, be in that moment, enjoy that moment, enjoy all the things that it brings about for you, and really be there. Something that I think is super super super important, because you're not told this, because we don't talk about the sex, but you need to have a damn sense of humor. If you're going to have sex with other people, even with yourself, you need to have a sense of humor. Definitely with other people, our bodies are beautiful, amazing, wonderful, powerful, awesome things. And they are not always in our own control. Muscle paths, nerves, things, they do what they do. They trigger responses in our body and there are certain things that we cannot control. Oftentimes, our body will do some of the most amazing and beautiful and wonderful things, at the same time that it's doing something we really really wish it wouldn't. Learn to laugh about it. If you don't learn to laugh about it, you're gonna traumatize yourself and it's gonna be a struggle to connect and be with other folks, so learn to laugh. Learn to enjoy those not so perfect moments. You're having a moment. At least you're having that moment. Is it perfect? No, would it be the same if it were perfect? You'd be kinda sketched out. New Gal was saying, so first, this is my fave night of O.school classes ever. So I am assuming that you were watching Luna's earlier. Second, I'm having super intimate convos with friends but don't know if I'm turned on by them or just the fact that they're open. How do you know the difference in your life between lover and friend? Here's where I might not be the best person to ask that question to because I don't think there necessarily has to be a divide between lover and friend. I have many people in my world who are friends and we, I mean, other people would classify friends with benefits, it's kind of the term that most people would recognize. We don't always do the things, we don't always have sex with each other. We aren't always, we're not always booed up, we're not always together, there are moments, there are times, when we are, and that's totally legit, and that's fine. The best way to do this, and I know this, you should know this already, ask. It's terrifying, you're like, oof, this could be a thing, but I generally will tell people, hey, these are things I'm in, I adore you as a person, as a human, and we can still be friends, so number one, I lay out all the things. And with that being said, these are some things I've noticed about our conversations or about our energy, and I wanna let you know, I am open to these things should that be the case. If not, there is no pressure, this doesn't need to shift anything, just wanted to let you know what I'm open to. So that might be one way that you could approach that. I don't know. But that's generally what I do. I don't, 'cause I love my friendships. When I'm talking about enduring long term connections and lasting connections, when those connections are friendships that have other pieces and parts to them, it's amazing to me, and I feel super super fortunate. So, I don't need all of my connections to be all sex all the time. So I like, and one of the things, I recently I just went through and found, 'cause I know that some people in my world think, oh my God, Q is just all about the sex. Yes, and being all about the sex for me means being all about intimacy, and one of the things I wanna make is some little thing, some little graphic that says, have you seen my blanket collection? 'Cause my cuddle game is kinda magnificent. You can have those moments where you are feeling that energy, that connection, that vibe between you and your buddy, totally cool. Let them know that you are open to a thing if that is something that they choose or they're open for. If not, what you've got going on as friends is fantastic and you don't wanna jeopardize that. Just put that on the table. Some people might be weirded out that you can just say it, and it may take them a day or two to respond, but don't panic, so that's what I would do. Alexandra was saying, do you have any tips about starting these conversations with people? Some things are super awkward to bring up. Oh, so yay, I think I just answered that question as well. Yes, these things are awkward. You know why they're awkward? 'Cause we were never taught to do them. We weren't told that it's okay to say to someone, your brain is amazing, I love these conversations, if you wanted to get down in other ways, I'm available, and hey, how about some dessert, let's go do that, you know? These things don't have to be, necessarily, exclusive, that we can have multiple levels of connection with all of the people, many people in our lives. So it depends on what you wanna do, and I think one of the things is we aren't often asked what we want, how we want things, what our interests are, where we are in our brains, and for some folks, it may take a minute for them to go, to recognize that you're honestly asking how they feel, what they want, what their vision or idea is. So give 'em a minute, 'cause if you're at the point where you're asking the questions, sometimes, other people may not be there, so don't be afraid, ask them, but, and tell them, it's like, and I also tell folks, no is always a legitimate answer to any question I ask, if we're talking sexy time, whatever. I mean, no is a legitimate answer to any question I ask. I also let people know that, so they don't feel like they can't say no. I want to give all permission and all room for them to say, no, that's totally not on the table and I don't wanna talk about it again. You know, like, cool, so let's go whale watching. New Gal was saying, you've already met their standards. Quotable, love that, thanks. I should know this already. Yeah, talking is a thing. Now, I know, I mean, I don't know if I'm attracted to them or just the fact that we're having the convo. I mean, and maybe part of that is because they might be giving off a vibe that they aren't necessarily aware of, it took me a long time to understand that the way I am, because I am so open, and I'm so energetic and wide open when it comes to connecting with folks, some people are like, were thinking that I was hitting on them when I wasn't. I'm just, I just have that kind of personality and that kind of energy, but I'm also open to it, so I'm always open to hearing someone ask me about that. I want someone to ask me if that's something that they think might be a thing, ask me, and I'm always gonna be gentle if that's not, I'm gonna be, here's the other thing, if you're not, if you're not interested, or if they're not interested and you hear a no, be an adult. Be an adult and say thank you and move on. New Gal was saying, not needing connections to be all sex all the time, another quotable, noting that. Please do. I never think about these things ahead of time. Yeah, now Alexandra is saying, no is a complete sentence. I remember that from another stream. Yeah, no is a complete sentence. It says that that's, that should be enough. That should be more than enough. If someone says no, be an adult and respect that no. If you need examples of why that's important, just turn on the news. That's why it's important. And it doesn't matter if that no is from someone who has had cocktails or had drugs. It doesn't matter if that is from someone who is known to be a ho, that doesn't matter. No means no, and it's a complete sentence. Respect that always. Christina was saying, hey Christina! What if you're waiting till marriage to have sex, but you're young and hot and wanna date, but don't want to have sex with people. Huh, well, hmm. So, if you're waiting till marriage to have sex, congratulations, that is a very, that's something I don't know if I could have ever done, and I applaud those who do. If you are, but you're hot, and you wanna date, dating doesn't mean sex. Dating and sex don't have to go hand in hand. You can date someone, you can be emotionally intimate with someone and not be physically intimate, then that's okay. For some people, having a deep emotional connection with someone is just as fulfilling and just as intimate as having a physically intimate relationship with them. So just because you're dating, that doesn't necessarily mean sex. They don't equate to the same thing. If you're waiting until marriage, hopefully you're dating someone who respects that and is also waiting till marriage. I think that gives you a great opportunity to, again, communicate, talk about things. Hopefully, you've had some ideas or some time to explore what sex and pleasure means for you and yourself, at least in your own mind, the philosophy thereof, for you, and maybe what some things you've explored for yourself with yourself that could be pleasurable. Having those sorts of conversations, I think, are always good conversations to have. We've been told before that the narrative was that you wait till marriage, but you don't talk about it, you don't explore it, you don't educate yourself, and that's another one of the things that, when it comes to building confidence for yourself, read up on things, educate yourself. We have, I mean you're already on this site, so you're ahead of the curve. So it's okay to look at educational things. Yes, if you type in sex on the internet, oh my gosh, and the first thing its gonna probably do is send you to porn. Look up sex education, look up sex education in places that are not, if you feel like it's lacking in your area, look up sex education in other locations that you feel are more open, would have more sex education information available. I am from South Carolina, abstinence only sex education is what I grew up with, I now live in Oakland, California, and San Francisco is literally across the bay, I'm part of the kink, leather and BDSM community, and the sex positive communities, lots of whom live here in the Bay Area. So, there's so much information that I've had the opportunity to read up on, go to peoples' presentations in the community, go to panel discussions, learn all that you can. It's okay to read up on things, to be prepared, and to be knowledgeable, and to help yourself feel more confident. I'm a big fan of knowing more. I'm a giant sex geek. Sex is my kink when it comes to, if I were to identify what is my kink in my BDSM life? Sex is my kink. It's not just having sex, I love learning new things, I love educating others, I love creating spaces for others to be who they are and to feel fully seen and accepted, that's my kink. So when it comes to learning about these things, that just gives me more confidence to be the person that I enjoy being and that I get to share with you all. So those are all, definitely, learning to read up on things, educating yourself, looking at, so if you're looking, like, I, unfortunately, do not have a website. I'm working on that, but many of the other educators on this site have websites that are attached to other amazing resources. Do some deep dive work. Read up on things and educate yourself so that when you do finally have that opportunity, you feel a bit more confident moving into it, like you've got a little bit more knowledge. And I think that helps us all settle down a little bit. Other things I wanted to talk about when it comes to building your sexual confidence. I was saying, having a sense of humor. Again, bodies do things. Bodies do things. If you have ever been fortunate enough to be present at the birth of a child, gee whiz, scooby. So many beautiful things happening, so many other things happening all at the same time. Learn to laugh, bodies are weird. Be present in those moments when you're connecting with someone else. We get in our heads, I call it my little brain hamsters, it's one of the reasons why I have music on in the background, generally, when I'm connecting intimately with someone else, because the quiet lets my brain hamsters get loud. So, be present, do whatever it is you need to help settle your brain hamsters, to help you relax, and to be fully there for that person. One of the things I like to recommend for folks, especially in this technology age, I'm a huge fan of technology. I wouldn't be able to do this without it. Putting your phone on do not disturb for the time that you're spending with someone. Put it on do not disturb. The world will not crumble around you, the internet will still be there when you're done, but it gives you both that there's gonna be no interruption and you know that, so you can really start to focus on building the energy between the two of you, being really really present, and focusing on all of the things that are good and wonderful about the moment that you're having. See, what else, ah! This is why I need to check the chat box. New Gal had a question and was saying, what is the definition of sex? I rolled around and got super intimate with folks for years before the old P in V, and if you're wondering what P in V is, penis in vagina, but now I consider all of that connection the sexual. O.school's helped me see so many gray areas. Okay, there are a lot of gray areas, and this is another thing that when we're, when we're looking at modern society, what do we consider sex, what is the definition of sex? And I have to tell you, that's up to you. Sex is something that you get to say if that's sex. Between you and another person, you might wanna have a conversation, because their idea of sex may not be the same idea as yours, their definition. What used to be penis in vagina, was the definition of sex, and now that we've expanded what gender is, what sexuality looks like, so that P, if we're going with just penis, factory installed, you were born with a penis, factory installed, you were born with a vagina, P in V sex? Tons of us are not having sex. And I have to disagree with that. So it's very, it's nuanced, it's very different than it used to be, there is no one size fits all definition for sex anymore. That definition is different for each of us. That definition is different for each of us when it comes to the partner that we're with in that moment, so I can't give you a solid definition of what sex is, because it varies, it's different. If you consider it sex, the person, if you're having sex with another person, they consider it sex, then it's sex. I don't think anyone else can actually dictate that for anyone else anymore. There is no one standard, so sex is what you make it, sex is what you deem so. Anytime you're being intimate, whether that's, for me, intimacy doesn't just mean physical intimacy, I feel really weird when I talk about the energetic sort of sex in my life. Things that you don't normally think you're gonna say when you grew up in the projects in South Carolina are words like energetic and sex together. There are moments when I don't have any sort of penetrative acts with someone, but the kind of connection that we've established and that we're building and that we're working with is incredibly sexual, so it depends on the moment. So I don't really have the best answer for that, I don't think, but again, I think it goes back to talking, talking with the person that you're with about what they deem as sex, 'cause some people may not see it the same way. So, it's up to you. Couple more things that, well, actually there's more, we need to be a little faster about this. I already said, be present. Don't make orgasm the goal. Again, that's a lotta stress. Try to work on developing an appreciation for the various enjoyable sensations of sex rather than obsessing over that end result, because sometimes that's gonna kill the end result. The more you think about it, the more it's not gonna happen. It's like having a sneeze, and you think about the sneeze and you think about the sneeze, and then, oh crud, I'm not gonna do the sneeze, need to look up at the light, or whatever, but the more you focus on the sneeze, and then finally you're like, ugh, fine, I give up. Take two steps and then you sneeze. Stop thinking about it, just be there, be present and connect it with that person in that moment. If you have an orgasm, if they have an orgasm, that's just a bonus. Being able to intimately connect with another person is a huge huge gift, and so that's an amazing thing in and of itself. If you have an orgasm, fantastic. Talk about what are your favorite positions, because when you're trying to move through things and figure things out, again, with that whole talking about things, talk about what some of your favorite positions are, and what you might wanna try. In the movies it's that whole, all of the sudden, they meet, they fall, they, I've talked about this before. They meet, they go back, da da da da, kiss, kiss, kiss, clothes are coming off, fall into bed, fade to black. And then the, or, if we're lucky, it goes back into a they're now fully naked, you can't really see anything, but they're having hot awesome sex. Again, we're not taught to talk about sex. You're definitely not supposed to explore sex before marriage, so how do we get to a point where we're having that magnificent kind of sex that we see on screen? Talk about it. And if you don't know what's your favorite positions, say, I don't know what my favorite positions are, but I think I might like to explore this, this, and this. Those are great ways to explore together, to sort of build a bond, also to see what may or may not work for you. I think when we say things like, I wanna explore, it allows for those times when things don't go quite as planned, it allows space for those oops moments, and we're not trying to be perfect. And when talking about oops moments, prepare for the worst. Just think about what could be the absolutely worst thing that could happen in that moment, and think about what you can do to prepare for that. I have a very queer sex life, bodies, I'm a sex educator, I take anatomy and physiology, I know that the body is amazing. It also does things. So I prepare for those things. I have washable Chux, which are very absorbent pads that you can put in your bed so that alleviates the other person's stress about what if I mess up sheets, alleviates my stress about I'm gonna have to wash sheets at the end of this, and I may not need to, but if someone has a body that is prone to ejaculating, I'm all for it, I want to encourage that, I want them to feel comfortable, so I prepare for that. I'm also a person that knows that if you're gonna indulge in anal sex, things happen. The body is the body and it does what it does. If you're not prepared for those things or you think you're gonna be squicked out by those things, don't do those things. Be prepared. And again, learning to laugh at the situation is super important, if you can't laugh it off, it's gonna, and it also is one of those ways to connect and to bond. If you can laugh with each other over this moment where we're trying to be passionate and sexy, 'cause, let's face it, no matter how much we're, we have our own little egos inside, we're trying to do the things, and you're having this moment, everything's falling into place, you've made this beautiful plan, and then something happens. Learn to laugh at that moment. Learn to laugh at what happens when bodies are bodies and people are people and move through it, and don't get thrown by it, don't be freaked out, just kinda laugh it off and move through it. Again, reading up on things is super super important. It helps you figure out what's out there, what's available. For many of us, I'm a little older than I look, and I know that for most of us, a lot of us, anyway, that we didn't have the information that you can find here on O.school, we didn't have, there weren't studies about different things, so we didn't have that information, and some of us are functioning on outdated info. Read up, update yourself, see what else is out there and what's going on and how you can up your game. What is it that you wanna know that's, research what things you wanna know that'll make you more, that you feel will build your confidence more. Oh, okay, cool, that was, responded to the question. Awesome, New Gal was saying, yep, energetic sex for Carolinians, book proposal. I'm with you on that, right? If you're not familiar with South Carolina, if you're one of those folks who don't live in the US or you have only lived in certain parts, South Carolina is on the East Coast, we're in the lower right quadrant of the map. We are not known for our, we're not known for being the most energetically open folks. I remember being younger and going, seeing stories happening in California on the national news and going, I'm never living in California. There's just hippies and weirdos and blah blah blah blah. So thus, I am now one of the hippie weirdos and I live in California. It's not something that we grew up knowing about, and that's another thing. Just talking about things like, and I think what most people would equate energetic sex to or kind of think of it as is grinding, and when you're grinding on each other, there's definitely a physical aspect to that. When it comes to energetic sex, you go from that physical aspect to really getting into what all those tingly feelings are and just sort of, it's hard to explain, you know when it's happening. Yeah, book proposal. I don't even know how we would do that. Maybe, I feel like there might be a barbecue competition, New Gal, when it comes to the book. We'd get people there with the barbecue competition and then give them the book, sounds about right. Vinegar barbecue, mustard barbecue? If you're from the Carolinas, you get that. So what are some of the things that you do that build your confidence? I know that communication is a big thing for many people, and it's so big because it's one of those things that we're not taught, so to be brave enough to have conversations nowadays about what we want, what we like, and this goes across, not just queer communities, yes, I live in the Bay Area, yes, my life is hella queer, and I recognize that I'm not from this area. I recognize how difficult conversations can be for folks, queer or not, gay, monogamous, or not, any of those things, there is that communication piece in every community, because we still have these ideas of what we should be like. We are listening to our brain hamsters, and they're like, this is the history of this, this is how we're supposed to behave. When the actuality of things today is that you don't have to be like anything else previously. You can create your own path. You can still identify as any particular thing, any particular sexuality, orientation, gender, whatever you choose as your identifiers, doesn't mean you have to have, cling to, or carry forward, things that aren't useful for you. I think one of the things that's not been useful for any community is the lack of communication. Learning to talk about things, learning to share information, learning to explore and talk about the different deeper parts of sex is something that we all should get, we should all get better at. Hopefully we will all get more comfortable with sharing what it is we do and how we do those things. It's one of the reasons I love being on O.school and doing live streams and doing presentations for folks, because this is something that I didn't, I wasn't born with this, I didn't get this, I'm not a Bay Area native, and it has done such, learning all these things, learning to be a bit more confident, even though there are those moments when I feel like, oh my gosh, I'm such a fraud, it's been great to learn all of these things, because it's helped me understand that I'm not alone in not being the most confident human. There are ways to educate myself, especially, 'cause I, I think it's called being an ambivert. I'm an extrovert, surprise, but I also am very introverted at times, and there are times when I don't wanna go out and be in the middle of the world trying to figure out this other thing about myself or trying to investigate this thing I've heard about. So some days it's a great time to just go down a rabbit hole on the internet and just sort of look at all the information I can find, and the more information I have, because my geeky, sex geeky brain is like, the more information I have, the better I feel, the more confident I feel in creating spaces for folks to feel seen and heard and safe. The more confident I feel in expressing who I am and what I want, so it's a great education. Reading up on the things, it's always a really good way to build that confidence. Talking with your friends is also another way to do that, I think. If you have the, if you're, talking with my friends helps. I know not everybody has that ability, to be in a space where you are, where it's okay to talk about things like how do you build your sexual confidence. In that case, come back to O.school, find people like New Gal and Alexandra and Chris and they will cheer you on as you learn all the things. So that's what spaces like this are for. If you find yourself, or if you're in a space where you have folks where you can actually have conversations, be the brave one, sometimes and bring up conversations around desire and pleasure. I think often we don't bring up those conversations, so no one feels like it's okay to talk about it. We don't give ourselves or our friends the permission to actually be who we are, to fully be present, and I think this is another way to do that, by having conversations with our friends and our lovers. After sex conversations are kind of amazing. New Gal, ha, barbecue! Yes, right? New Gal was saying, I'm practicing having convos about sex whenever I can with whomever I can, in North Carolina. I get so excited because it is more rare, but I'm opening up more, so I do ease in by sharing about my sex geekdom and renewed interest, that's building my confidence. That's a great way to do that. Pointing other people to resources that are out there is a really good way to build your own confidence. Like I said, I kinda feel a little bit like a fraud, because all I'm sharing, I feel like, is ways that I've learned to create spaces that I think will help folks, and so I get to share that. Like I was saying earlier today with someone, I was like, I really just don't feel like I'm equipped to do this, this particular talk, and I was like, and they're like, actually you are. So part of that gets to be that you get to set the new normal in your world. You get to set the new normal for the people in your sphere of influence. You get to set the new normal for young people around you who are seeing you ask questions and have conversations. That's how kids grow and learn. They mimic what they see, so the more we start to do this, whether they're being provided a quality sex education or not, the more that we as adults, and people in their sphere of influence, people that they see, the more that we do those things, the more that they emulate them, and they know that, and the more we normalize it, the more we make it okay to say, I had this thought, or I have a question, to know that you can even ask the question is huge. 'Cause I didn't feel like there was anyone I could ask questions of, I've always made it very clear to my friends, I used to take people to sex toy shops back home because they felt so comfortable being around me, so I really enjoyed doing that, so I think I've carried that to the next level, and I really appreciate all of that, sort of, being able to do that. I have friends that have kids now that are like, so what do I tell my kid about this? So the more you do that, New Gal, that's so awesome that you're out there doing that. And New Gal was saying this, I don't know if it's gonna translate into reality, since I'm just getting over a long bout of illness, so only creeping closer to sexual intimacy with someone other than myself, but also dancing makes me feel so confident. I love a good dance night. I do, I haven't been out to the bars in awhile, 'cause Jesus, what are the children listening to these days? New Gal was also saying that they get more confident by deconstructing the unreal, polished images that they see, and limiting those. I spend as little time on Facebook as I can, which kinda defeats the whole, marketing yourself and things like that, because there's so much on there that just doesn't, it's not about my life, it doesn't fit me, it doesn't fit the folks I know, and taking that apart, my housemate and I, often, we'll sit around, like, we're watching the news, and we're like two old men, we just rip it to shreds, some of the things that we see, and that's important too, to have those conversations, and be like, that's not normal. Just because it's on TV, just because it's on a magazine cover, that is not the norm, that is not the average human, that's not the average woman, that's not the average man, and talk about it, taking that apart and why it exists, why we think it's okay, why has it gotten to this point? All great conversations. Setting the new normal is a huge way to tap into our power, I love that perspective. Absolutely, and you get to set that new normal. So we are close on time. If you have not, if you don't know how to find me otherwise, I'm on Twitter, I have two Twitter accounts, one is not safe for work, and that's _Qtip_. The one that you can follow regularly without any worries is QWilsonCA. You can find me on Facebook, I am Q Wilson on Facebook. My email address is Q@DirtyBlaQboi, and that's Q, the letter, the letter Q, at dirty, black is spelled B-L-A-Q, and boy is B-O-I, dot com. DirtyBlaQboi.com. Hit me up, give me topics. I wanna expand on what it is you've been asking about and go from there, but I love doing these things, and I always hate it when we're so close on time, I'm like, oh my gosh, because part of me, always, at the beginning of these is like, I'm not gonna be able to fill an hour of the time. And I love the feedback and the conversations that we have, so New Gal, it was so good to have you back, Alexandra, thank you, Chris, thank you. Justin, you're rad. Christina, hey. We need to get together, girl. What else they don't wanna tell you? When it comes to building sexual confidence, you don't need to be like anyone else. The movies we've watched, I think the, even growing up, there were times where you saw people in movies emulating someone else's swagger. Be you. Be your awkward, nerdy, genuine self. I think it helps, you being awkward, builds your confidence, because it's like hey, I'm gonna put out the real me, I'm gonna be that vulnerable, I'm gonna share this tiny vulnerable part with you. When someone else sees you being your awkward, awesome, vulnerable self, they see your authenticity, they see you not being some player trying to just rack up another number, they see you being genuine and want to connect with that. It's scary, it can be painful. We worry about being rejected. Don't worry about those things. If you're told no, say thank you and move on. It's not a big deal. It's not about you, it's about that person and where they are in that moment. Not everything is about us. Yes, our ego will smart a little bit, but move on. Think about what it is, know yourself. Get to know yourself. Know what pleases you. If you are someone who's never had sex before, again, education is good. At least you can have conversations with someone you're thinking about having sex with, about things that interest you, things that you might like to try, and then that way, you can get on the same page, even without actually having sex. If you are having sex with folks, and you learn something new about yourself, don't be afraid to incorporate that into connections with other people. It's about your pleasure too. I really enjoy creating those spaces that I create for other folks, and I have to be reminded on occasion that my pleasure is important as well, and so is yours. So don't put that off for the sake of pleasing someone else. Communication, I can't overemphasize that enough. The more you talk the less opportunity there is for there to be a moment that was misunderstood. You can have conversations anytime when you're having sex, when you're connecting with someone. If you are unsure of someone's, whether they were saying yes or no, it's okay to say, I know this might be awkward in this moment to stop, but I just wanted to clarify. The more you do these things, the more you practice these things, the less awkward they feel and the more confident you become in offering these opportunities for other people to share with you who they are and what they want. And a lotta times, folks have never had that before, and that kind of opens them up in a different way when it comes to connecting with someone, to know that you're being heard and seen is incredibly powerful for most people. So, learning to talk about things, ask the questions and actually incorporating them into what you're doing. Build your confidence by getting information from the other person. If they're able to give you information about what they want and what they need and you can incorporate that into what you're doing and your connection and what you're building with this person, it's gonna be a fantastic time, no matter what. One of the other things, something incredibly simple that I almost forgot, blindfolds. They're amazing. When it comes to connecting with people sexually, and you're like, oh my God, I'm trying this new thing, da da da da, blindfolds are one, sexy, two, handy, three, super super helpful. You don't have to actually have a proper leather blindfold with fuzzy lining on the inside. Bandanas work, other things work as well. I don't recommend ties, because sometimes what the material the ties are made out of, the knots will slip tighter than you can control, so something with a regulated sort of, like with buckles on it, with a buckle on it, and a strap, awesome. It enhances, the blindfold enhances things for the person being blindfolded. You've taken away a sense, so all they can, they can hear, all the other things are heightened. For you as the person not blindfolded, you can now run around your room, or whatever you're space you're in, looking for the thing you forgot. You can take a few deep breaths and start this new thing that you're gonna start with this person that you've talked about and you guys have flirted and texted and sexted about. So, blindfolds are really helpful. All of the other things are fantastic. Add a blindfold to that, and you're awesome, you're all set. Do what speaks to you. Talk to each other, hold space for each other. And set the example, be the role model that you never had. Thanks so much for joining me again today. It's great to have everybody on, I appreciate it. New Gal was saying, thanks to you, you've definitely helped by being the perfect awkward person to give this talk. Ah man, if you'd met me in person, I am hella awkward. It's kinda funny, so thanks so much for the tip, guys, you're awesome. I will see you around, and if you haven't really gone and explored the new layout for the website, O.school, if you're new to this and you haven't gone to our regular website, please do that. We've made some changes, tell us what you think. It's been fantastic, hope you guys have a good night, talk to you soon.

Building Sexual Confidence

Date
Thu
Sep 27, 2018
|
1:00 pm
|
Calendar
Thursday, September 27, 2018
|
1:00 pm

Q Wilson shares with you some tips he learned on his journey towards becoming a more sexually confident person.