Body Shame: The Lies We Are Told by Religion And Society

The world is starting to feel like a dangerous place to have a body. We need to speak openly about body shame, why it’s happening, and what YOU can do to change the culture of body shame!

Video transcript

Before we start, I just want to share a little bit about me. My name is Lucia Pavone. I am a sensuality instructor, pleasure instigator and for the past 16 years I have dedicated my life to researching pleasure, sensuality, communication relationships, and the art of central juiciness including deliberate and bodied orgasm, which is full body orgasm. And I've literally spent over 6,000 hours receiving this new juicy, yumminess. So my body is incredibly sensitive and feeling and I have a lot of knowledge about the female identified genitalia, vulva with the clitoris and I come to you with a wealth of knowledge and body shame is an issue that I have firsthand dealt with my entire life. So I cannot wait to share with you about what my journey's been like and hopefully, hearing a little bit about what your journey has been like, if you have a journey around body shame and anything that comes up tonight, you are held safely here. This is a safe space for you to share your experiences if you choose and I know some people are not logged in or registered. And if you are listening outside and not able to chat, I highly encourage you to register for O school and receive weekly or daily reminders of the livestream that's on for the day. And that way you get to actually chat with me in the live stream. And if you have questions about me or about anything that comes up tonight, I'm able to answer them in real time. So remember, these are recorded I believe, but they're not going to be put out there for the general public afterwards. So tonight, body shame. Okay, so from the day that we were born, we began to receive messages about our bodies and about our sexuality. So we are sensing beings and if you ever watched a baby, they were just like riding and juicy sensation and they're happy and they're feeling and they're usually surrounded by people, adults who have had a lot of conditioning and judgments and experiences. So over time, those little babies start to develop different judgments about themselves and from the very get go. So one thing I was like really simple. It's like potty training. So little babies learn to go pee in the bathroom and you help them out of their diapers. And so we cheer them on like, yes, you can it, you can pee in the potty. Yay, you're peeing. You're doing a little pooping, yay. That's so great. And then all of a sudden there's this shift of you can't pee in your pants. You've got to go to the potty and it's bad to pee outside. And so we start to shift the conversation. Those little things that really do happen because they are protecting our babies or children from society. If we walked around pooping and peeing everywhere, it'd be kind of unsanitary. And so, and even when we're having a sex act, some people like to experience different erotic experiences around peeing or pooping. And so our minds are taught from an early age that first that's good and then that's bad. Now this happens with many things, not just this example. I'm going to pause real quick and just a thank you Mickey. My perception of my body and flows sometimes and I feel like an old mom blob, mother of seven kids and an other times I feel like I'm adjusting earth mother. What's up with that Lucia? Oh you are speaking my language, Mickey Allen. I don't have seven kids. I only have one kid. She's almost 18 but I am going to touch on this for sure. Without a doubt because I have a personal experience with this and body image, especially from after the birth of my daughter. This has actually really impacted me in who I am today and I'll share a little bit about the flip side of what came from that. So perhaps I will give you some insight into maybe how you can change the story down the line. Thanks for that question. All right, so tonight I'm going to share about the lies that religion and our society imprint on people and how shame specifically body shame is used as a way of making people conform to what shame in general is used as a way to making people conform to like morality and societal standards. And why that maybe at one time this way of being, this shaming might've kept people in line from stealing or pillaging villages at one point. And so shaming was used really as a governing tool at one point, but we have really flipped it into a way to shame people's bodies and it really does not work when it comes to bodies. It does not work. Body shaming does not work and why I decided to do this live stream. Okay, so I just want to give you a little, this is very vulnerable. I just want to let you know that because who I am as a woman, I am in my 40s. I have been with my partner for 22 years. I'm married and I have an almost 18 year old daughter. Now, my journey of sexual emancipation really began in my early 30s. I'd always been a very sensual being and felt yummy and juicy in my body. And I had also been ridiculed for my weight and my whole life I was short, I was a little bit more robust. I was very athletic, I was a tomboy. I had breasts from a very young age, from about sixth grade. I got my period young. I was the rebel in my family. I was wild supposedly and I grew up in a very strict Catholic household. My parents are actually from Sicily. So I grew up in a different culture where my sexuality was suppressed in so many different ways by religion and also by my cultural upbringing. I was brought up to be a very good girl, learned to clean the house, I learned to cook, I learned to sew, I learned all the domestic duties a good wife, waiting to please her husband was supposed to learn. And I realized as I became much more in connection with my own sensuality that some of these viewpoints that I was being taught or conditioned to believe by my religion and by society in general around my roles as a woman were not really feeling good to me and I'm not going to keep this just about by the way, just about women's roles and women's body shaming. Body shaming affects everybody, not just people with ovas and not. There's a lot of body shaming going on with people with penises and transgender folks and you name it. We are like a culture of body shamers and I have to say, I probably just as, you could probably point the finger at me for making some body shaming judgments inadvertently sometimes because of all of this conditioning that I received even as a young person. So here I am growing up and it comes time I got married and I decided, well, first I decided I really want to have a baby with my partner. So we decided to make a baby. And during that time, we also got married right before she was born. And after the birth of my daughter, I literally looked in the mirror and was like, what the hell just happened to my body? I had gone from relatively modest 135, 140 pounds. I was a little bit what I call bigger. Just weird it very makes me laugh and I gained 80 pounds during my pregnancy. So I was 203 pounds when I gave birth to my daughter. I felt great. I was like, I just was so happy that this being was in my arms, but it had changed the way my body totally felt and looked and smelled and I had a caesarian section after four days of traumatic of labor and then like a more traumatic experience with her birth and my body, literally my stomach hung over my pubic mons and I was mortified and I had stretch marks in my pubic region from her head getting stuck and my thighs have gotten big and my butt was like juicy. It was really, really juicy. It's huge. And I just didn't know who I was. And I'm sharing all this from a point of view at the time where I thought everything about myself was wrong, that my body was huge and disgusting and at the same time I was nursing my daughter. I was keeping a person alive and my breast had engorged to like about 10 times as big. I had small breasts at the time. You can't really see that now, but I actually had smaller breasts and they had engorged to the point of they were bigger than my daughter's head. I didn't really know whose body this was. I was so mortified and that really sent me down into a spiral. And how did I get out of that? Well, there was a point after like sheer hitting rock bottom and having almost a nonexistent sex life and anger just was freaking angry all the time with my husband. I was like, what the hell? I thought I was going to have this pathway of I'm always going to have sex every day with my partner. It's always going to be amazing. Holy cow. I was not prepared, nothing prepared me. No sex ed class prepared me for the tools that I needed to have gratifying sex life and relationships that I wanted. Nothing prepared for having this new body and feeling shame. I felt all those things as a young girl around presumably being overweight, which I was not in my body at like times 100. So suddenly went and I thought, oh my gosh, older women going, if I only could tell my younger self at 16 like how skinny I was or how this I was, or how sexy I was or how perkier boobs were. I was in that mode. I was like, oh my God. How did I possibly think I was fat when I was 115 pounds and athletic and that's the mode I was in. And it was so even that was so detrimental to my mindset. My mind was playing horrible tricks on me. I did everything. I went to weight watchers. I bought sexy lingerie. I tried all the things that I could to have myself exteriorly feel amazing. But on the inside I was like, just fallen apart. I was sad. I thought, oh my God, there's so many beautiful young women out there. I'm just old and stretched out. And even when I was in my 20s and even in my teenage years, I just want to say if you're listening to this and you are younger, this is all around us. Body shaming has become like a part of our culture in a way that is so different because there's the internet, there's Twitter, there is porn that has infiltrated the internet to a point where we're not sure what is real in sex and what is not real. But when I was growing up, there were very limited resources to seeing other people naked besides like playboy. And you'd have to really, like if you found a porn on old VHS at some point or even before that, like when old eight millimeter reel, that was like a big deal. And so I didn't get a lot of that kind of shaming around whether or not I should have pubic hair or not. My shaming was really around religion and weight and the ideal standards of beauty that the media had portrayed. So I'm five foot one and I'm bigger than the society tells me to be. Mickey yeah, you've had C-section too. Yeah, it was something that nobody really had ever shared like this might change your body. Death kill confidence in every aspect. Yeah, absolutely. We are taught to compare everything, better, worse, good, bad, yes, no. I mean we are taught as a culture to compare at all costs. And so, this piece about how I actually got out of feeling like less than perfect. Well, along the way I did through having a C-section, I supported other women by starting Santa Cruz, California Chapter of the International Caesarian Awareness Network. And at the time, this is an international organization that was well established and we didn't have this in Santa Cruz and I was really passionate already about helping when I was a birth photographer for many years. And so I photograph women in birth and pre birth. So I loved bodies. I just love bodies. So I knew what was to come already potentially after, before, during, and after. But still I couldn't actually give myself that much love. So I started the chapter with a local midwife and we supported hundreds of people who are giving birth vaginally to give birth vaginally after they had had caesarian section and some of them even at home. so HVACs and at the time this was very controversial in the early part of the 2000s. There was a high rise in Ceasarean section. The C-section rate had gone up to sometimes 50% in some cities C-section was being touted as the new way of birth, but nobody told us that it was actually a major surgery. There are a lot of complications. That's another story. So, during this time I actually met another woman who saw this little spark in me around that she called juicy and from that point on, I was in my early 30s and she introduced me to other people, to people who actually taught courses around pleasure and sensuality and communication and relationships. And they focused on the female model of orgasm. And I say female model orgasm cause that's how I learned it. But I call this deliberate and bodied orgasms. So this is a state of being in full body orgasm and it also includes direct contact with the clitoris or potentially direct contact with a penis depending on who is giving and who's receiving. So through this way of living deliberately, intentionally pleasurably, I was able to come into a place in myself of complete surrender to pleasure and to love. So interestingly enough, the thing that I felt shame around most, my sexuality, my pleasure because I was like, what does my pussy even look like right now after I have a baby? Connection to my senses, all my senses and my pleasure was what took me from feeling inadequate. Feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling guilt or shame around having sex in general and bringing me to a state of just feeling my rightness as a person on this planet that my body indeed was amazing and all of it. So I'm going to pause real quick and look into the comments. So hating your body getting big, dependency was feeling that you developed on your own due to a body shaming history or your family partner also. Oh, my partner definitely did not contribute to body shaming. It was all definitely me. I had some big viewpoints because of the shape had changed. There definitely was probably some family history of like, oh maybe you're getting too much weight. Even my midwife at one point said, hey, maybe you should eat less. And that wasn't to shame me, but was to actually worry that I was going to gain too much weight in my pregnancy to have a healthier birth. So I developed those feelings on my own. Like the brain is amazing and so our minds are in direct competition with our intuition and wisdom. So even the wisdom of my body was saying, it is totally fine. Your body really needs to hold onto this weight because you are keeping a human alive and you're making a ton of milk. People say you're just going to nurse and it's all gonna go away. And guess what, the weight did not go away. My sex life didn't get any better. And no, my partner Mackey he probably my pregnancy was one of the times I had some of the most sex of my life. Even during my labor I had intercourse. So I was very well aware of my partner just loving my body. I love my body and my pregnant body. I felt really confident. So this was a short period after but I'd always had this tinge of maybe I wasn't the prettiest girl. I would go out to go dancing and guys would talk to me and then they'd asked me if my friend was available and I was like, is there something wrong with me? Like am I butt ugly? I'd have that kind of viewpoint. And then when I realized for myself part of that had nothing to do with me at all. Some of the viewpoints I actually had in my head, the thoughts I had around my own self worth, my self love for myself directly impacted how somebody else perceived me. So now fast forward to today. Why am I doing this live stream? Why is it so present? And it's been around. I mean, this topic really got big buzz in 2015. There was a lot of talk around body shame, but it's always prevalent in our culture and very prevalent right now especially around the current climate of where we're at with women in general, but with all people in general. The backwards motion that has been instilled in our country as we speak. So what do you do? Why I decided to do this live stream? So this is actually kind of personal for me. So people ask me how identify around my sexuality. I don't like to put a lot of boxes and labels, so when they ask if I'm monogamous would polyamorous or this or that, or if I identify as gay or straight or queer, I tend to say it I'm a Lucia and I use communication as my way to have the things I want by asking for what it is that I desire. Now, recently I have decided by choice to be in a partnership, another friendship with another person. So I decided to have a lover and something surfaced recently. Some old diet judgment and viewpoints really surfaced and I noticed them deeply within the context of a conversation. And now, I've been, like I said with my husband for 22 years and I feel really comfortable and open and I don't really have a lot of those inhibitions around like weight or my body or whether or not I'm better or worse. When you're in a position like I'm in and with all the training I've done, I've really have set those things don't really come up. So I was really surprised when that came up with the feelings inside and I want to say, I was not shamed at all by this person, but the discussion was very simple. It was a simple discussion around our bodies and the person mentioned how much they weighed and I in my head, and they actually made a value judgment about they used to be much, weighed much less and I instantly went to this place of, oh my gosh, you weigh less than me and I'm laughing now. You weigh less than me and how could you even think that that is a big weight or you're big? So I made this judgment. I actually internally shamed this person in my head. That's what the dialogue was going on in my head. In my body I just was thinking, oh but it's so fun having central experiences with you. I'm so grateful that I get to be your lover and that you're my lover and like, look what we're learning and all these different things. I started to have these things of like, well, what does that person think of me? Am I my this? Am I that? This was the first time this had happened in a long time and I started like, I have these didn't feel good in my body, I noticed right away this doesn't feel good. This is what it was like years of old conditioning, old lies that I had learned through my society and my culture, all lies I learned in religion about whether or not about being with multiple partners. All of that came into my head. And this was like perhaps, maybe very short period of time, but it's kind of lingered and I thought, I better talk about this because it's coming up and I got permission by the way, to share a little bit about this and I'm not going to be using names. But the other part was that, which is around sexuality is that we actually had a conversation about pussies and they shared this really wonderful experience of having had a partner who's pussy unfolded inner labia unfolded like a flower and I was like, that is like airy every textbook pussy in my head saying this. And then I asked how would you describe my pussy? Or something to that effect. And the response was, it is really like feely pussy. It's very sensitive and it feels everything. And so now to a woman like me who has literally spent 16 years researching deliberate and body orgasm and training my nervous system in my clitoris and my pussy to feel fully in present, in embodied in my pleasure, this is like the best thing I could've ever heard like your pussy is so feeling. And my body was like oh. I was getting so like excited and then my brain, my brain had a thought which was... It was like a struggle between self love, wisdom and the reality that was happening and the lies I had been taught in my society about pussies, the lies I've been conditioned with around pornography, religion. All of that came rushing in to me and I was literally filled for moments of holy cow. I had self doubt and I thought this is not going to fly. This is just not how I'm going to show up and I cannot, there's no way I can have a lover if I'm going to come up showing up like this. Yes, these things do come up. And I am human and I want to say I am human. I am completely human. And even though I have done all the work, I have really done a lot of this. I just need to say this out loud because I'm going to share a little bit about how to actually move through these pieces in your life. Move through body shame. I have to say, I'm going to be preaching about self love in a little bit and I'm sharing with you that not too long ago I was still loathing and this does not mean that all of the things that I've experienced in my life aren't amazing and with my experiences with my partners and my lover aren't amazing. It really is so ingrained and conditioned and imprinted into our bodies, into our brains from a very young age that this idea of having shame around our bodies, around our sexuality, that it can be really difficult sometimes to get out of it. But I move out of it quick. That's why I'm on here on O school. I'm actually talking about it. And so we'll share a little bit more about that. Second guessing yourself opens a floodgate to self-condemnation. Yeah, absolutely for sure. When people smaller than you complain about how big they are. Jeanie, this is one of those things that it can be, and that is something I've always struggled about but at the same time I had to look at that like that is it really them? And so I'm going to share a little bit. I'll share a little bit more about that and I want to say like you're totally valid in feeling like you do because you've had these imprints, you've had this conditioning, you've had these body shaming perhaps. And maybe you have even body shamed. So it goes both ways. Like when I look at people smaller than me, and I make a value judgment that is also body shaming. It's not just about big, it's about big, smart, anything to do with your body that is anything but perfection and rightness is shaming somebody. And so this is something that is not taught in our schools necessarily or taught when we're having a growing yummy, juicy relationships. We are taught that we have to got to have the perfect, this or that. And then there's things, factors in our society that contributes to that like pornography, and I'm not knocking pornography necessarily, but I have to say it has really been influential for young people in particular around what we're supposed to look like as humans. No hair, no labia, perky breasts, no stretch marks, lily white, blonde hair, blue eyes. You get the picture. And just on the other end that people are sexually attracted to big cocks and we do this. We really put this out there in a society that men who are this race have big cocks and men who are this race have small cocks and men who are this height have big cocks. Those are all things that are conditioned. Yeah, Mickey, this is something that we come across. And I want to say it goes the other way around. We can't really understand or know what somebody else's thinking about their weight and they may also have the fear of like, well, I can't gain weight and I have many of those friends on that spectrum who share those stories with me. I've done everything possible to actually gain weight and I have sat and beheld and listened and supported in that level of like I have to get my jeans tailored to this size because they don't make them that small and hear that but also honor at beauty of like that is that person's experience. And so if we can actually just look at all those pieces as experience rather than taking the other side to it and just knowing that like we're mirroring each other. So what you're feeling like that, somebody else's feeling too. So, right. If you think you're big, I don't want to hear what you think of me. Well you know, this is the thing that people, this is not necessarily, this is what comes to her head and this is what I'm thinking is that our minds play these fucker is on us. Our minds really trick us into believing that what that person said is about us and it may not be about us. It may be about how they were conditioned and through religion or through their society. So this is the piece, I'm going to go back to a little bit about this experience. I had this experience with my lover and it's been brewing in me and I didn't fully communicate this to them, but I did ask permission to and let them know that I was going to be talking about this. So whether I can share about it with them later, but right now I've already gone through and processed a lot of these pieces and I may or may not even have to share this experience with them. But it would probably be really good for me to actually do that. And that being said, where I'm at now, I feel great. Like I actually, I don't know if you can't really see, but I wore the shortest skirt I can find, the tightest, shortest skirt and not to say that that makes any difference, but I work because my pussy was feeling great, my ass was feeling great, my body felt great because I love my body and I take care of my body in a way that feels good for me. And so because of that, I wanted to adorn it and dress it, dress the vessel, for fun and pleasure here tonight. And that being said, I wanted to say that it doesn't mean that I don't go through the pieces of feeling and the lasting effects of my own ingrained conditioning from birth and that other people how they feel is really valid too. And so hopefully tonight by the end of the night, you'll get some tools to be able to actually start to shift some of those viewpoints around if you're feeling body shamed or feeling shameful about any part of your body that you'll leave here feeling happier, confident, knowing that you are perfect just the way you are. And that includes progress and change throughout your life that you're willing to break your own limitations around experiencing pleasure. I think one of the biggest things that I used to come up against around having pleasure was one worrying if I would squash my partner with my body. I laugh at that now and I'm like, is that a reason in our heads to negate or dismiss pleasure from our lives? Probably not. Probably not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. So I love etymology. If you've been on my live streams before, you know that I'm a word person and although I not competitive when I play scrabble anymore, I too love the dictionary and I do like look it up for words and I do like research. The question is what is shame? What exactly is shame? And I'm going to give you the dictionary definition. It's a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. She was hot with shame. Oh my God, hot with shame. Hot with shame. But if you were hot, you were just hot with juicy pussy. That would be so much word fun than hot with shame. Synonyms for shame or humiliation, mortification, embarrassment, indignity, discomfort. A lot of these things are felt through the conditioning that we get from the lies that religion has imprinted on us and that society has imprinted on us. So shame is actually something that a person feels and they feel it for this idea when they feel wrong and we're doing something wrong. And in the case of shame and this case of shame in general, wrong is used to describe something that is being dishonest or immoral, or bad. And here's the thing. One can only really be judged as wrong if they are among others who have set a set standard of morality, their society. So you can only be wrong or be judged that way if the people around you are having those a different standard of morality. Now who are they to judge? Who are they to actually judge you? So you see, shame is not only use to describe what somebody feels, but it's also a verb. People use it to make other people act a certain way. That's their intention of using shame. By causing them to feel shame, the feelings of shame to come up in them. That sounds kind of complicated, but really, to shame means to shame a person or an action or a situation is to make someone feel ashamed. I tried to shame him into giving some away. This happens inside the bedroom too. Oh, didn't you shower before we had sex? Oh, you didn't trim your pussy for me? Oh my God, you're a tall, black guy why is your penis so small? Those are things that are shaming and they're shitty. They're just shitty things to do and they're based on these value judgments that people have been conditioned with. I'm just going to stop. I see a lot of activity. Okay. I love my body and I'm single and I don't know if anyone else I find attractive will find me attractive because of the way our society views bodies. And I find many people attractive, not just conventionally attractive. I am the same way and a lot of the stereotypical viewpoints around the standards of beauty to me also don't apply necessarily. I work particularly on how much fun people are having. I love a multitude of body shapes and sizes and it feels so good to love all of those places because my life gets richer and except my belly. I love the way it feels, but not how big it is. I get it. Our bellies can be very tender spot and interestingly enough, and I'll share with you my theory is we push down our bellies because when we are conceived, the embryonic cells, the DNA of our brain and our gut are actually the same cells and they split. And once of yourself goes into your brain and one cell goes into your gut. When people talk about your intuition, your sixth sense, your knowing that goes into your gut. Your brain gets the one that starts to analyze everything and gets imprinted with emotions or value judgments and these pieces, these lies that our society puts into us. So our bodies like your intuition of I love my belly but not how big it is. So your body is saying, I love my belly, but your brain is saying, but not how big it is and not how big it is is probably the false one because that's based on standards that are false. Who gets to tell you what big is? Who gets to tell you what small is? You do, ultimately. So I'm so scared that a new lover will be turned off by it. I've had cis male lovers only so far. Yeah. So this is something that I really considered myself and something really I've considered multiple times. There's a lot of things that we go through like people who have been diagnosed with STIs. Actually the first time I had an STI and I had to share with a lover, I had so much shame around this. It was like, oh my God, I'm dirty. I'm a whore, I'm at this, I'm a that. Whatever came up for me was actually translated to that person and that act didn't quite get, I didn't do anything with that person. I felt shitty about myself. And I know I'm preaching self love, but there is a sense of like, what exactly coming to the table with intention of worry around another person judging us is very valid because this is how we really have been brought up to feel like we're dirty, we're bad. And so we wonder is that other person going to love us just as much as we love ourselves. And what are they bringing to the table? What set of judgements and rules are they bringing to the table? So the one thing that you're going to have to maybe consider is the communication piece and the self love aspects. So I'm just going to give you a little bit of this right now, but we'll talk a little bit more. We have about 20 more minutes and I promise, I will get to this. So for as long as humans really had been on this planet, society has shamed people into, use shame as a deterrent to behavior that wasn't actually socially acceptable for the time period or whenever. And that's tried to kind of creep in people were being policed around doing different things, but this, applying this to bodies does not work. It's not helpful. Shaming people into losing weight is not helpful. Shaming people into having better to waxing themselves by saying that it's more pleasurable, that is shame. That's shaming them or to say that you should or shouldn't do it is shaming. We have preferences that we get to choose for sure. Shaming people into not wearing certain clothes because of their body shape, that is not helpful. And so my background around this has been extensive. Interestingly enough I started off my education, my schooling college level as a fashion design major. I was designing clothes for very tall, very skinny models and I was not a skinny, tall model but I loved dressing. I idolized a tiny little waist, long legs, small breasts. Basically, everything that I wasn't and I did not become a fashion designer but I did realize that for me, it didn't really matter. All those bodies were perfect. So, we are conditioned from, this is a quote from an article I read, I want to say. And the article was, let's see... It's called Body Shame 101. Lies the church told me about my own sexuality and the Arthur was Neil Carter. So the quote is, we are conditioned from an early age to see fat as a physical representation of these capital sins and we are encouraged to avoid embodying those sins at all cost. And this is in relationship to the church sharing that fat people somehow are gluttonous and that's a sin. Holy cow. How does somebody get that? The body is not wrong. That shame only works if a person that you're shaming feels bad about being outside of the standards of your community. So if the person that you're talking about, if somebody actually, it only works like so if you yourself are feeling like you are not in standards of the community, that's when shaming them works. But if you feel good about yourself, you feel excited to be in the body and the skin that you're in and have a sensual sexual experiences that you're wanting to have, then that doesn't work. People try to shame me all the time and they try to slut shaming on a regular basis because I love my sexuality. I love having fun. I love my pussy. I love my body. I love talking about sex. I love talking about it all the time. I talk about it all the time. I love it so much that I actually turned it into what I do for a living. I had been talking about sex since I was very young all the time. Some of my best friends will tell you that that's all I talked about and I wasn't even having intercourse or having sexual experiences with other people, but I just thought that was just part of me and I was shamed for it by everybody that I knew. Even my friends who would say, you gotta stop talking about sex. Nobody wants to hear about that. That's not to talk about. But there's different story now. Those friends, some of them come to me and ask me for support. I'm gonna take a quick sip of Kombucha. If you don't know me, I always prepare my space with some yummy stuff. So I have this nice, beautiful little plate of yummy peaches and grapes. Last night I had this very yummy sensual experience and we talked about fruit but somebody's favorite fruit was peaches so it inspired me to bring them here and I know this is a little bit off topic, but not really. That is so juicy. I love peaches. So even before puberty, we are all hit with, don't touch your penis, don't touch your vagina. She's a chubby baby. Your sister got the lighter skin, you got the darker skin. Oh, you must have gotten your boobs from your dad's side. So a lot of these things really can pave foundations for shame later on, body shaming. And we don't even know that. As a mom, one of the things that I wanted to avoid more than anything was the feeling of shame. Instilling shame in my daughter. And one of the other ways that we actually live is we do not keep... If we are home, we are naked household and we are very happy to be naked in our house. We walk around naked, we feel good about our bodies. We say good fun things about each other's bodies and even to this day, and she might get embarrassed if she ever hears this is that we heat her towel up and when she is in the shower and she'll say towel and I'll come and I'll come from her towel and she gets out of the shower and I give her her towel. And it's like, she is so proud of who she is as a young woman and her body that those are the moments that give me a reflection that we did everything the right way and having her feel really good about her body. So, I want to share a couple of the lies that are told by religion around body shaming, that support the shame women feel and people feel, not just women, but, anybody feels. So one example, little things like women don't really think about sex. That's not true. We totally think about sex like I thought about sex so often that it was in my mind and I actually ended up feeling guilty for thinking about sex. And we were also taught that boys are visually stimulated and thought about sex on a near constant basis. So we've been told that boys are the ones that think about sex. Girls don't think about sex and so if we think about sex, then we are sluts and boys are just being boys. And so that gives them freedom to shame people or women to shame each other. Like oh, you're thinking about sex or such a slut. You're so easy. The things that we said to each other as young girls and Oh my God, you must have a loose pussy. If you've not heard my stream about the tight pussy myth, that's for another time. But this is where we start to get those imprints about so tight, so loose. And even when a partner says, oh my God, your pussy is so tight, I still in my head go, oh yeah, he thinks by pussy is tight. And this is one of those myths that like people are ingrained with that a tight pussy is somehow going to be better sex. What the fuck does a tight pussy mean? To me it means that you properly have spent time stroking the clitoris and that the blood flow has come in and engorged the interior of the vaginal walls properly. But to some people, it means that entrance of the vagina is very tight. Put your penis in and it feels really good. You must be a good girl. That's a generalization, but that is another place where we body shame and I feel like kegels are used as a way to body shame women and to keeping them tight and clenched up. We'll do another live stream about dumping your kegels. That's for another time. So we're told often that guys love to get sex. Guys use love to get sex while girls use sex to get love. And religion also lies to us about the idea of virginity. Somehow if you masturbate, you are going to no longer be chast in virginal or ready for your husband. This totally does not take into account people first of all, by putting fingers inside the entrance of your vagina, the introitus, first of all, virginity is bullshit, doesn't really exist. It's another topic. It's a made up topic to somehow keep women from having people enter things, enter her vagina. Fingers into a vagina. That doesn't mean anything. It does not mean that you're not a virgin. Tampons in a vagina once again, does not mean these are lies that our religion has various religions that somehow masturbation is part of a demonic influence. Not true. These are not true. And I promise you, I promise you, you are not going to die. You are not going to be possessed by demons. You are not going to be a bad girl or a bad boy for masturbating and touching your body. It is a normal, natural, wonderful way to actually fall in love with your body. Now this is quite interesting because the thing that supports you to move through shame is to love your body, is to understand and totally love your body. Who has ever... A mom who chose homeschooling for her daughter, how did you manage to teach your daughter about love and what are your notes from parents check? It's a great question, Mickey. Well, I think it gave me actually much more understanding and freedom to be able to share with her the things that I had learned because by this time as my daughter has been growing up, her mom's literally been essential researcher, researching female orgasm, full body orgasms. So I have a lot of training around my sensuality. So, I've raised her as a very sensing being. So touch is really important to me. So I massage her body after she'd come out of the bath. I made it okay for her to receive touch, not just from me but from a male figure. Her father and so she and her dad are super close like he holds her, there's no shame in like giving her a kiss or a hug and this is something that fathers somehow are ashamed to touching, hugging their daughters at puberty. Like somehow don't touch me dad. Like suddenly we sexualize our daughters like fathers and daughters. This is very harmful in our culture. This is a societal lie that somehow dads are going to sexually be predators with their young daughters. And there is so much of this going on on the internet. How dare you look at your daughter like that? How dare you touch your daughter? We shame fathers for lovingly looking at their daughters and this is not all. This is not end all be all. Sometimes that there is this like crossing the line. That is a completely different case scenario and that is a completely different issue. But what is normal, connection with intimacy, even intimacy between men which is shamed because of the body parts and we get sign of weakness. These are places where we need to start making it very normal. The new norm is how we were born. We're sensing beings. If you can just remember that we were fully born loving, sensing, sensual beings, that our bodies came into perfection, all the little rules and soft skin and all the places that when babies are born you're just like, they're so beautiful. Imagine the body forming and you have all those places are perfect. All of them. If you are a human being, you have a vessel. That vessel is perfect. All these conditioned thoughts are really not how we truly show up in this world. I do want to say, how do you actually move through shame? And I'm going to give you a few ways to move through. So first of all, when we're faced with a situation where we are feeling shamed, don't overreact and exaggerate the situation. So it's important to like slow down, take a breath. Is that person? Are you assuming that the person is judging you? Like where is it based? It's like, look at this realistically. Maybe there had been times like maybe I'm just feeling crappy in my pants today. They're in a little bit tighter, no big deal. Trust that your body is going to go back to exactly where you want it to be. This is you. So over exaggerating the situation is one way to stop the process from dealing with your own body shame. So this is how you feel. So it's really difficult to control other people. It's almost impossible to control how other people actually engage their universe but you do have total control over your universe so all that is needed is one good thing about your universe. So if you are feeling crappy, so the one good thing. My ass is juicy and I'm going to fantasize about my lover. That totally changes my mind. Totally changes my mind about any kind of limiting belief that may have come in to like open up some kind of our doubt around body that I may have experienced at some other point in my lifetime or even in another lifetime. We'll just say that for sake of people who are a little bit more in that realm like I am. Another way to move through body shame is to really figure out the real issue that you are struggling with because most likely if you're feeling shame around your weight, it's probably not your weight at all. It has nothing to do with your weight. It's usually a deeper piece, a deeper seeded piece that if you're unwilling to actually surface and unravel and bring to the surface of your life, then it's never going to go away and you're going to keep on coming up and it's going to be a situation where you're going to feel like it's that other person who has done something to you. And I'm not saying that they haven't, I'm just saying that you have a choice in how you feel and like when you actually are willing to do the inner pieces and look at the pieces around who you are. Maybe it's really not about your body. Maybe you're doing something that you've never done before and it feels scary like having a lover. Earlier New Gal was saying that they have either like worry about what if I bring in a new lover, but if I have, how is that person going to feel? Is it really about your belly or could it be about like, holy cow, like you're doing something you've never done before. You're taking this risk and having connection with another person and that can be really vulnerable. So our bodies will trick us. Our bodies are meant to like protect us. And so we eat fear as a way to protect us. So one tool that I use for that is actually something called the five second rule. If you don't know Mel Robbins, just Google Mel Robbins. And the five second rule is a wonderful tool to train your brain when you start to have those limiting beliefs come up. I call them doubts. They support me, this five second rule supports me to doubt my doubts. So if it comes up, I count five, four, three, two, one. I move my body and I shift my feeling. For example, I might have fear instead of fear I turn it into excitement, the excitement and I move. And that is actually rewiring your brain pattern. And it is an actual scientifically based practice and way to actually shift into thinking good new thoughts, good thoughts. Whatever, whatever we consider good. Another way that we can actually move through body shame is to actually think about, identify what we feel and the actual emotion that we're feeling. So is it shame or if you're feeling something pinpointing the real feeling in there it is important because once you identify it, it doesn't mean that you actually have, that you should let it take you over. You can actually, I know people do like, oh I don't know what they're going to be like, but you could choose. You always have a choice. You really do. You have a choice in how you respond and how you feel. No matter what, you get to choose this and that's important. But you're like, oh, if I don't feel confident, if I don't feel this, how am I going to choose? And building confidence to me personally comes through loving myself deeply inside and how that worked for me was I use my orgasm to build self love and confidence. Some people use yoga, some people use meditation, some people read, listen to Wayne Dyer and Abraham Hicks. I actually touched my clitoris and move the energy that's coming up in my genitals and I just live in my pleasure. That's how I feel confident. And when I don't do that, I start to feel myself slipping and when I start to feel those feelings come in, I change my mind and I get my hand on my pussy. That is probably not a very popular viewpoint since a lot of times we're talking about body shame and sexual shame like wait, you're telling me to actually masturbate and touch my body? But I don't want to touch it because I feel shame. I know, it's a catch phrase. You choose to feel ashamed or embrace it and say I just let my body the way it is. Yeah, actually the way it is and you can call it perfect. So even to take it a step further Mickey not just the way it is, but like that it's perfect. We focus so much on the things that we don't like, but if you put your attention even for five minutes every day on the things that you do like, you are going to start to notice that all those good feelings quickly shift your brain chemistry and what you are feeling starts to shift. Share about it. Talk about it. If this is coming up for you, I could literally have put all this stuff away and never shared it with anybody. But I know better than that. I can talk myself into the spiral down effect. I can talk myself into feeling like however I want. All of us can and I could feel, I can spiral it down into the shit part or I can actually just be like, well, this is how I'm going to acknowledge that this is coming up and it's my choice if I want to hold down to the shit or move through it. And I know there's a lot of people who might say, well, but you don't understand because you're this or I've gotten this. This is the things I've gotten. You don't understand how it means to be fat. Look at you. And I'm like, wow, I feel really shamed right now. Look at me? Like what kind of a viewpoint is that? Like that doesn't feel good in my body. So it's really how we repattern and talk about these things because we're basing all these judgments and emotions on our own value judgments, our own imprints our own lies perhaps that we were told by our own upbringing, our own societal upbringing, what society was like when we were a certain age. But more than anything, our experiences are the biggest influence, I think in how we look at life. So I just want to say with that, I had some of the best sensual sexual experiences growing up. Those are the things I talk about and the love and why I'm so passionate about what I do. I could spend hours talking about the first time I climaxed with a finger in inside of my pussy. I could spend hours talking about the first time I had oral sex. I love it. Those imprints were so positive for me. That was my experience and it left such a positive influence. So our experiences are also what influences how we feel around our bodies. And so however you experience it, know that you can move through it. So another way is make yourself feel good. Engage in a coping mechanism that is not self destructive. So I think a lot of people do things like they'll drown their sorrows or they'll choose to do things that aren't necessarily good, and I'm not going to judge what's good or bad for you. We can switch our brain chemistry easily doing certain things that have us, we know what certain things that make us feel good. Go towards the good. People are spending a lot of time avoiding the bad. Our whole culture is based on this puritanical ethic of like avoiding the bad. But we talk about the shit, but we can never talk about the good stuff like orgasm in public. Cause if you talk to and said you had the best orgasm of your life, life at like five o'clock tea, you're going to be told to leave. But if you tell your friends that you got cancer, it's okay. So I suggest putting your attention on something that makes you feel good. All right. We are way over eight o'clock we went way over. So I just to say thank you to Justin and everybody who's on here tonight. If you have comments and questions, please put them in now because I will get back to you as best I can, in either the O school Facebook group, and all those things. I'll try my best to answer your questions if you have any or any thoughts I want to hear about. Did you have any experiences where you move through shame, where you felt wonderful or maybe an experience where you felt body shamed and what support 'cause this could be a bigger conversation and there's so many pleasure pros that we can all actually address some of these things. So I want to say if you had a wonderful experience tonight, go ahead and there's a tip jar there. And we really appreciate all that comes in all the tips. And I want to announce one more thing. If you are somebody who identifies as a woman, doesn't matter what genitalia you have, I have a very special offer for you. Coming up in September, September 7th, 8th 9th, I'm going to be leading a very special event called Embodied Woman Live. So all these topics, a lot of these topics, this topic around body shame that you heard tonight, this is really an important topic and it's something that I shared in the livestream that one of the ways to move through body shame is self love and feeling and understanding all the intricacies of who you are as a human being. And so I committed my life to doing this with women, the women I worked with in my private practice. I'm not a therapist by the way. Practice meaning, I can't even call it a practice. How I live my life. I have clients, I have courses, I have programs and I have a three-day event coming up. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, this event is for you if you are ready to learn about the fun and pleasure that can be had inside the bedroom, outside the bedroom. What's possible as a responsible hedonist. How you can dive deeper into learning about communication that creates winning situations, learning the differences between sexuality and sensuality. And I really had to understand the differences between climax and orgasm which I've been had the privilege of being part of several articles in this topic like on bustle.com, medium.com and I am one of the a world authorities on this particular subject of orgasm versus climax. It's such a big part of what I train women in and men even and all people who have genitals and is feeling more sensation and pleasure. So I am going to put a little link in here with more information about how you can actually come to Portland. It's five weeks away. Hey, if you live in a different part of the world, I want you to come. If you live in London, if you live in Paris, if you live in Southeast Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Tunisia, Egypt, Cecily, United States, the South, wherever. This is open to anybody who identifies as a woman, regardless of genitalia. So Embodied Woman Live, aka Portland Pussy Takeover. This is an incredible event. I will be actually instructing my foundation pieces of what I teach. So if you enjoy O School streams with me, I would love to have you outside of O school. I'm going to continue to free live stream here on O school, so you can always come here. I want to say thank you to O school. Thank you to my amazing moderator, Justin. I so appreciate you for always showing up every single time. I'm so grateful and everybody out there who is watching, I want you to know that I play my life from the point of view that you are perfect just the way you are. All of the experiences, all of the conditioning, all the things that you bring to the table are perfect. And there's always room for progress and change throughout your life and our differences are what makes life fun. So really enjoy the subtleties in life, the differences and be well. All right, thanks Justin. Have a great night. See you later.

Body Shame: The Lies We Are Told by Religion And Society

Date
Tue
Aug 7, 2018
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2:00 pm
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Calendar
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
|
2:00 pm

The world is starting to feel like a dangerous place to have a body. We need to speak openly about body shame, why it’s happening, and what YOU can do to change the culture of body shame!