ON-DEMAND

Before You Get Down

Calendar
Streamed
Thursday, January 25, 2018

What do we need to share and know before we get down to intimacy? Let’s talk about disclosing status, expectations, consent, and more and getting over that awkward conversational hurdle.

Video transcript

It's 7:00 so I'm gonna get started with an introduction. Seems formal, but I think it's important for folks to know where I'm at and what brings me to O School. So, hi, I'm Mia. I'm she, her, her's pronouns. I'm a sex educator at O School. I'm a sex worker, I'm a sex worker and LGBTQIA advocate, and I started teaching sex education primarily as a guest speaker or a presenter in sex gender studies, sex and gender studies classes and med school classes about ethical slut hood and destigmatizing sex work and combating sex negativity. Then, I've pretty much branched out to speak on the intersections of trauma and sexuality, I'm talking about polyamory, consent, BDSM and more. I will actually be running a training at Planned Parenthood next week and doing a few more college workshops and presentations down the line. Sex education is my passion because I see how the gaps we have in sex education right now are pretty exclusive. They're heteronormative, abstinence only, and very much shame and fear driven. I believe that pleasure should be acceptable to all bodies and peoples and that we have, as a society, have a lot to overcome to reach that goal and sex education that is inclusive, trauma-informed, pleasure based is so essential. Yeah, I'm pretty excited on that, yeah. I'm gonna be talking about sex negativity and how we can always be doing work to unpack internalized sex negativity and identify and do better. That's why I'm gonna be teaching at Planned Parenthood and I'm really excited. I'm super, super stoked on, was it, Monday, yes; I was like what day is it. On Monday, I went actually with the Pacific Southwest contingent of Planned Parenthood to lobby in Sacramento. It was the anniversary of Roe V. Wade, there was a rally around that, so it's pretty cool. Ah, hello, Ellen; welcome, welcome. I'm pretty excited for this talk too. It's something I've been anticipating for a while. At the beginning of the month or right before the New Year, I was getting ready to schedule and plan my O School streams and I really wanted to do a stream like, originally tell the elevator speech, which is if the top floor that you're trying to get to is physical intimacy with someone, what are all the things that you should discuss in that going up in the elevator. But not everyone understands or is familiar with the term elevator speech when it comes to sex education and sexuality. Before You Get Down is a much better title that was suggested by another pleasure professional here. So yeah, Before You Get Down; welcome everyone. Just a little rundown and how my streams go, I always begin with safe space guidelines just to set the tone as to what our boundaries are, what are the rules in the room to maintain, like be healthy, communicative, non-violent space. In regards to safe space guidelines, hi Lily, and everyone please chime in and introduce yourselves as I'm chatting. For safe space guidelines, since, in chat, folks will be interacting and sharing their personal experiences, let's maintain confidentiality, let's protect everyone's privacy. If you're going to take any shots of the stream, don't take shots of the chat. Let's really honor people's right to privacy. And we're not here to out anyone. Also, don't yuck anyone's yum. This is not a space to shame others for their preferences, their ideologies, their sexuality, anything really. Do your best to not yuck someone's yum. Avoid generalizations. When you speak, use I statements, speak from your experiences, try not to perpetuate stereotypes and just umbrella statements about populations and what have you. And honor boundaries. This is one of my favorite safe space guidelines to talk about; I do have a favorite one, because it's really essential to listen to what your body and mind is telling you. If you need to step out, to take some space away from the content that we're talking about. 'Cause sometimes, there's some heavy stuff that comes up. Sometimes, I definitely talk about trauma and DV and consent issues and what have you. If you need to take space, take that space. You have that right. Go get a snack if you need a snack. Go to the bathroom, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, to make yourself feel comfortable and safe here, please do that. Honor your boundaries. If you have any questions, comments or concerns about the safe space guidelines, feel free to ask at any time. And also, if you have any questions, comments, or concerns about anything at all, chime in. You're welcome to; I will keep an eye on the chat and be sure to follow up with questions and everyone, much appreciation and thanks to Maya, our moderator tonight. She does amazing work here at O School and is wonderfully supportive of all the pleasure professionals that she moderates for. So yeah, Maya, yeah! Before you get down, before you get physically intimate with a person and specifically when it comes to physical intimacy, that's the context that we're approaching this stream. There's a lot because everyone has a different list, I think, and that fluctuates and changes and evolves over time in many different ways. I know that that list has changed for me as I've grown up and experienced different things. We're gonna explore where my list is at and I would love to hear feedback from y'all and this is just stuff that I always try to consider nowadays when it comes to dating or hooking up or being intimate with a new person. So context, new person to physical intimacy, physical sexual intimacy. A big piece of this that drove me to have this stream is how communication is approached in dating, in interacting with folks that you're sexually interested in. I wanna ask y'all what are some inherited communication practices that impede disclosing information. I'm gonna type this out for y'all too. What are some inherited communication practices that impede disclosing information? These are behaviors and practices that have been modeled, say, in your family, in your social circles, in media, and what have you. I definitely have a list of things that I need to un-learn, but I'm curious what are some things that you've encountered or experienced that hinders sharing information. Like a great part of this stream, before you get down, is communication based. You're not a mind reader. You don't have access necessarily to someone's things. Oh, ah, yes, yeah. That's definitely, like having personal triggers, mental health issues and challenges, definitely, definitely surface for that. I have a lot of fear and the weight of stigma that sometimes makes it difficult to disclose, because I'm an active sex worker in adult film. That is something that is sometimes tough to share, yeah. And welcome, is it Immergitress? Oh, please, please feel free to give me a pronunciation guide for that. I do not, I want to honor how your name is pronounced, yes. And welcome. Mmm, hello Steph, hello; welcome, welcome. I am glad you're here. Yeah, so the question right now that we're kind of mulling over, what are some inherited communication practices or behaviors or habits even that impede disclosing information? Yeah, so welcome everybody. If you need to take a look at the safer space guidelines, feel free to take a gander at the link that Maya posted. Yes, oh. I feel you on that. Shame and embarrassment about things that are outside of what I project as normal or feel would be normal. That definitely carries weight, yeah. Ooh, I like working through that. Shame is such a powerful feeling, for sure. And again, feel free to chime in on that question. Okay, things that for me, along, in addition to that list that we have come up with that definitely impede disclosing is having a distinct lack of models of consent interactions, like in movies and even in porn 'cause it's this hyper fantasy world Tangible models of consent and negotiation isn't viewed because that's done off screen. Sex negativity is a big thing, that shame, that embarrassment, especially like kink negativity. I worry how will people react. Will this close the door to potential future interactions with this person and just the threat or the fear of rejection and working through that is touch because a lot of these things are internalized. Sometimes I'm not aware when I'm actually coming up against this fence, this wall that's preventing me from saying I really should share this. I know I need to share this but what, why, what's this thing that's silencing me? And definitely misogyny. If I come against, if I'm interacting with a particular personality that is, that silences me in a way, I feel like I can't speak up. That's more in the like, a violent communication certain point, but then, that kind of hinders, kind of dead ends my desire to be intimate with that person. But there are lots of things that just, in general, are very silencing, impede communication. That's a lot to work through, right? My challenge to y'all is to identify what are the roots of poor communication practices and what new things can we learn to dismantle that or overcome that? And that way, we can also demand or ask for reciprocal communication. Because when we up our game as communicators, we have the language, we're armed with the language to say, yes, these are the communication styles I like that I'm receptive to that I desire, that I think is necessary for the feeling of safety and comfort to move forward. Yes, subtle intimidation, for sure! I really hate and I'm better at dealing with this via texting and DMing than I am in real life, because if someone tries to flirt with me by negging in real life, I don't know how to verbally react to that. I kind of just get quiet and internally displeased and I don't know what to say. But if that interaction happens via text, I can just message back like, hey, by the way, not amused. It's easier because I have that distance. Some of these things that you can cover, the ground work that we need to cover before we become intimate with someone. This ground work can be done remotely. This can be done via text, it can be done via DM, or SnapChat or Instagram or whatever y'all are communicating through. Just like with any relationship advice that I share with folks, it's essential to start with yourself. Because if we have more knowledge of self, we have more to share with those outside of ourselves, to lay the groundwork, to really put the bricks in the path to a successful interaction. Yes, breaks ice, for sure. I definitely, now that I'm reusing dating apps and what have you and in the past, I like having that layer, that distance by DMing on an app first until I feel comfortable and have some sort of feeling of, like, I can be vulnerable in this way of sharing my phone number and what have you, or even my Facebook. Like Mia is my work name. On dating apps, I use my legal, so sharing my work name is a big act of trust too. Going back to sharing about yourself, it's essential to reflect on our identities, like who am I, what am I about, what is important about me that I feel like I need to share so this person I am about to be intimate with or wanting to be intimate with can see this full picture that I want them to see. Is it essential to disclose that, your horoscope, no. Perhaps. Or disclose that you're kinky, disclose that you're queer, disclose that you're poly. What is it about you that you want this person to know? Then also, kind of makes it so, look I'm sharing this knowledge I have of myself Can you reciprocate? Can you tell me about you? I've done the self-work. I've done the self work of reflecting, of assessing, of analyzing, and flushing the doubt in language to share with you. Can you do the same? Tell me about you. And also, I have a lot of things that I'm on, I'm just flipping through dating apps. What are deal breakers too. If you have a general idea, like a rubric or a list, like this is my wish list and these are deal breakers. I think somewhere in my journal, my journal is not close, I have a list of ooh, these are things that are very exciting to me that I hope to encounter and these are things I am not at all into. I can't deal with racism. I can't deal with folks who are weird or uncomfortable by feminism. I definitely ask folks on dating apps, like, hey, I'm an intersexual feminist. Are you a feminist? Tell me about that. I can be a bit of a hard ass, but that is something that's really important to me, and I'd rather get that out of the way, just get it out of the way and let me know what you're about, what's your positionality in regard to politics and ethics and values. Are you an active lifelong learner? Do you recognize that there is always gonna be room for self growth and stuff like that? That's on my wish list, like lifelong learner, likes to grow and evolve and learn things and reciprocates, and what have you. Again, start with looking at yourself, introspection, figuring out what you're all about and what you want to share with this person so they know who they're getting intimate with. That's pretty essential. For me, I share that I'm queer, that I am poly, that I am a sex worker at some point, like pretty early on, 'cause if they're not sex worker friendly, can't hang. And what else? I'm a dog mom, but that's not really pertinent. It does come out. And things like that and also when it comes closer to intimacy or if that's a more likely pathway that I wanna pursue, I talk about testing and my testing practices and my views on that and how I approach that. I've noticed more and more that folks in the non sex workers spheres I inhabit are, are, there are more non-monogamous type relationship structures emerging. There's a wonderful research that really lists the different types of non-monogamous structures out there. It's a list written by another pleasure professional, Andre Shakti. Maya, if you could pretty, pretty please share the link to Andre's resource about the different structures of polyamory, that would be fantastic. And it really breaks down the different types like swinging, open relationships, what ethical non-monogamy is, what relationship anarchy is, what's a polycule. That way, we can really educate ourselves if we want to explore that or are practicing that with that sort of language. Disclosing to someone what your ideal relationship structure may be, or what your current relation structure is. For instance, I am poly; I have a partner with whom I live. So I disclose that because that can be a big, that can be a big no for some folks, like I don't mess with non-monogamy. I don't mess with that. I don't want someone to, I had someone say this, it's like, yeah, I just don't want some jealous person hunting me down. And my response was like, if there was any hunting down to do, I would do it myself. But, that's not what's gonna happen. Because a lot of folks don't necessarily have the same information. You gotta meet people where they are. There will be overlaps in knowledge and sometimes, there will be gaps. Being ready to talk about what your relationship structure is, what it is that you want in a future relationship structure. If you're even currently dating other people, but you're not, perhaps, poly, disclosing that, so again, they have a better picture. Reinvention by force of-- Yeah, another curve. Okay. Poly forever. You know what's interesting about poly in my experience? I have the language now to say I'm a poly person, but when I was younger, I definitely had the ideology of being polyamorous, but I just didn't have the language for it. It was like a much longer conversation to talk around an idea that is now summed up, even though there's still a lot of parsing out and explanation, now you have poly, polyamory. You can turn people to the ethical slut or Andre Shakti's amazing blog. There are a lot more resources now and even Facebook groups and forums and meet-ups and clubs, all these different things where there are resources. But I still find that there are a lot of folks, poly is very new. They may have heard the word but they may not have ever been with a poly person, or ever really entertained having a poly sort of structure. And managing that. I think the idea of metamours can freak some people out. Yeah, there's a lot there. There's a lot, especially around sys males. I think the idea of meeting a metamour is just like, uh I think there's something about competition that rears up and these are real feelings, like the feeling of competition and jealousy and FOMO. These things can emerge and being able to talk about them, be like, yeah, these things happen. Feelings are real; we can talk about them. And kind of like casting some light on some unknown, perhaps. So just know that there may be some education that has to go around, disclosing your relationship structure. And again, arming yourself with information, that intro-section, that looking and analyzing yourself will go a long way because when you have that information and you have that scaffolding, you can, again, ask for the reciprocal. Tell me about you. What is your ideal relationship structure? What are you looking for by being on this app? What are you looking for by hanging out? What do you want? And I think what do you want is such a big question because we want so many things. We want so many things. This goes back to you knowing yourself. Another point, rather than just sharing yourself, who am I, what am I all about. What do you want? What are your needs? What needs are you hoping to be met by this interaction? Be it like a lead into intimacy, or if you want a romantic, platonic, blended relationship, what do you need? And I like writing lists. I know, so real, so real. I like having some alone time and making a wish list. This isn't something, this person has to be 100% this list, but dream big. It's okay to dream big. It's also okay to do whatever you need to meet needs at a time, but make a wish list. Be like, if I were to have, if I were playing the Sims right now, and I was making a partner to be intimate with in the Sims, what characteristics would I look for? Yeah, exactly! So if you go in, if you go into any attraction, right, with the list of needs, like these are the things I'm hoping to satisfy in my life, to keep me going, you can share that and also, that way, you can also check in with that, reflect back on this interaction. Do I think that this is, continuing this interaction, will lead to having my needs met and perhaps, reciprocally be meeting their needs and wants. Yes, effective in that like, it definitely cuts the numbers. It cuts the numbers a lot. 'Cause I'll be on a dating app and be like, ooh, you are very pretty, and then I'll start talking with them and then they'll say something racist and I'll be like, no, I'm un=matching you. And I tell them, I do my damnedest not to ghost. I try to be considerate of everyone's time and I try to not have loose threads, so if someone says something, be like, I've definitely said this. I've said, "I don't really appreciate "having my race fetishized. "I'm un-matching you. "Good luck." Then I un-match them. And it's effective in that it makes me really stick to what I care about, what I care about in someone I'm going to share my body with. Um, how do I manage when I have a relationship established, my needs change? I think always talking about it. My needs are always changing. My wants are always changing. So talking about that and doing regular check-ins too. If I'm being more active on dating apps, I let my partner now. I'm like, yeah, I'm on this right now. I am chatting it up with this person. I'm kind of excited; I wonder where it's gonna go. Or if I'm about, Ooh, hold on, this is like, if I'm going to go and meet with someone, I just like, you know, I'm like hey, letting you know I'm gonna go meet this person. It's nice and I think it's definitely difficult for me sometimes. I feel this difficulty because I project my insecurity, like insecurity that my partner may or may not have. But it's just like my idea of what my partner might feel insecure about, by listing these are the things I wish for or hope for when those things just don't line up us. And that's okay. I think knowing that it's unrealistic to expect any one individual to be like 100%, like 100% fulfilling, it's unfair, I think. I always, when I always view like people and relationships as like, Venn diagrams. There's going to be that sweet, middle spot in a Venn diagram where you have mutual interest or shared interests, like shared desires, like shared, I don't know, like sex drives or what have you. But it's not always gonna be like that. That's gonna flex and change and grow and evolve because every day, we're evolving as different people. Having the expectation that like, yes, I'm an evolving person. You're an evolving person. We may have met at this one juncture in our lives, but we're gonna continue growing and changing, so we gotta talk about it. We gotta talk about these changes and how they affect your needs, wants, and desires and what is titillating to you, what turns you on, what turns you off. Because that's not always the same. Yes, communication. It always goes back to communication. It's super, super key. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Also, knowing yourself, like when do you want a hang out to be a date. And even that is making sure you're on the same page with narrative. Because if in one, say two people are going out to hang out and then one persons says, the narrative is we're going on a date. This is a romantic context, intimate, sexual context hang out but the other person's just like, we're just hanging out and sharing some time and getting to know one another. Those are two very different narratives and they can compete right and they can contradict one another. I think clarifying, like, hey, did you consider this a date, or did you wanna consider this a date. That's a hard question to ask sometimes because there are people who are like, oh we're hanging out, isn't that dating period. I'm just like, not always. Sometimes I just wanna get to know someone to see if I want to invest more time and labor into this interaction because relationships require labor. It's true. They do. And then, I'm like, yeah, I wanna date this person. I think it'd be pretty cool, yeah. Any questions, comments, or concerns at this time, feel free at any time to chime in with any questions. Yes, so, we're gonna shift a little bit to context. This is, context is a broad way of what framework are we operating in. If we, sex is amazing, but there is so many different contexts for sex to take place. Like it could be a hook-up, it could be an emotional, sexual intimacy. It can be break-up sex. It can be hook-up, broken-up sex. It could be a booty call. It could be a platonic sexual interaction. There are different contexts for sex, period. And also just hanging out, like the context of dating. Is this a date, is this just us getting to know one another, are we just hanging out? Is this a platonic friend date? So really clarifying, even if you're about to be intimate, like, what are we doing here? What are we doing here? And that's hard. I know it's really difficult to be like, full stop, but it doesn't have to look like a full stop. Again, this can be conversation leading in, could be a text or a DM or in person. There are a variety of ways to communicate. It doesn't always have to look like a person-to-person, verbal confrontation. Clarifying for yourself, what do you want this to be, too. Going back to your wants, to your needs. Do you need sex to be emotional and intimate to get the most out of it? Or do you just want the physicality of it? I feel like, depending on individuals, I know this is in my experience, depending on how I get along with someone, sex can sometimes just be a hook-up and be chill and friendly after or it can be this very emotionally charged experience. So really clarifying for yourself, like what am I going to experience? What am I anticipating in this interaction? Yeah, that's hard. Booty calls are fun though. I love it when it's like, you're on the same page with somebody, like, hey, do you wanna do this? Just this, yeah. It's awesome. Yeah, and then some people aren't receptive to booty calls. If you're gonna have the sort of relationship where booty calls are a part of your repertoire, clarify like, you cool with me texting you late at night to see if you're up? That's pretty important too, 'cause you, like especially if that person is poly, perhaps living with their polycule or partner, it's just like, what boundaries exist that you have to respect there. That definitely goes back to relationship structures, too. Everyone has different responsibilities, professionally, and yeah, professionally, socially, romantically, all these different things. And so, clarifying, is it okay if I text you after this hour even though I know you might be doing this. Ooh, hey, hey, hey; there's a giveaway at the end of the stream for a clitorosaurus. They're beautiful, anatomical, 3D printed models of a clitoris. They're so cute. I just really wanna put googly eyes on one, yes. Mm, I think communication is so sexy. I love, this like really turned me on to this, just now, like some clarity. Yeah, someone who is logistically minded about their desire and pursuit of pleasure is very sexy. Ah, I love good communication and planning. It's very, very sexy, yes. I agree. Yeah, any other communication practices and behaviors that is like a turn on for y'all, I would love to hear, what our communication styles are. Like yes, more of this, more of this, please, is really great. But anyways, going back to the poly thing, checking in is, if folks have relationships with other folks, like hey, is this a good time to talk or is this, can I text you right now? Or like, okay, I know that you're going on a date or an overnight, or a weekend with this person, like, I'm only gonna hear from you X amount, and stuff like that and setting up those expectations with all parties involved, so we're all on the same page is really important and I know it's, for some folks, a level up in logistical planning and being aware of time and managing that, but it's important to honor people's time and labor and investment and also engagement. If someone wants to be really present in a hang out or a date, it'd be great to have some space, perhaps, be like yeah, I'm not gonna look at my phone, or my phone's gonna be off and things like that, just clarifying with all parties involved. Be like, okay, now I know that you're alive, , just not looking at your phone and that's okay. Yes, respectful is so sexy. Consent like, consent doesn't have to be sexy. Sometimes it can just be a very frank conversation and it can bring clear but asking in words, oh, hmm, hmm, I love, I love words so much. I do. I do, I do, I do, so much. They're the best, mm, mm. Just like, could eat up words, 'cause I produce a lot, I talk a lot. I'm really good at externalizing the internal and looking at it and converting it to language, to communicate to folks what's going on. My hunger for that is matched with my output, if that makes sense. Yeah, so many good things. Respectful is sexy. And tell me more about your sex to communication styles and practices. I wanna hear. Yeah. Yes, yeah, I definitely have come up against a wall of like expecting it from folks when I give it so much, but that's just not realistic, and some people are not very verbal centered. Yes, words are great. I spend a lot of time thinking and then just vomiting out words. It would be nice to have a turn to listen and consume it. That's a new window, right; a very, you are the person that you're in a talk with. That person is producing thoughts, ideas, concepts, sharing them with you, for you to understand what's going on. That's a front row seat to internal machinations of this individuals, and be it like sexy things, or just things in general, what's going on with them. I think that is so sexy because it just shows like, self knowledge, right; shows that this person is analyzing what's going on with them so they can move through the world and communicate that with folks. We're gonna talk about risk management. Risk management's a pretty big thing 'cause this is coming down to y'all are about to be intimate. What are we, where are we at with our sexual health and sexual, and like risk management, Knowing your status. So Maya, if you could please share the resource where folks can look up free testing centers in their area. This is like a governmental site, I'm sorry for the individuals who are overseas, but this is a way to search where you can get tested. When you go to get tested, when you're in a testing facility, do you know that there are different types of tests for the same STR or STD. For instance, when, I'm gonna actually do this right now. I'm gonna pull up my old test from, from adult film, because we have a very specific testing protocol. It's something that we pay out of pocket for, because this is typically not the testing that I will encounter when I see my doctor or if I go to my usual facility that's covered by my insurance. Also know where false positives arise and having access to that knowledge. It's just like okay, I've had pneumonia, so I might pop on this test and communicating that to your doctor so they can do another level of testing. Hi Josie, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the room. I'm glad that you're here. I hope you are Josie, my homie, but that's okay. If you're not, you're always welcome here. Being aware of testing, also like-- Oh, what's this? Wait, what's that? It started with Appleton, followed by a Chocolate Tini, Blues guitar music with pretty porn, catch-up conversation, and then-- I'm curious as to where that leads to, emergetrust, like let's follow up with that. I'm so curious where that will continue. Testing for HIV can, there are several types of test. The test that we do in adult film is a viral load test because at current, if someone who is HiV positive has a viral load that is so load, HIV cannot be transmitted. Also, that comes along with anti-viral drugs like Truvada, there's pre-exposure prophylaxis. So there are ways to minimize risk if that is something that you wanna do. Just know that, I've heard this from peers who are on pre-exposure prophylaxis as a preventative for contracting HIV, that can cause some tummy troubles and this is a feedback from sys women. Check in with your doctor or medical care provider as to what your options are in regard to pre-exposure prophylaxis prep. If you're interested in that, because every body reacts differently, and it's a daily pill. It's a daily pill to manage that. The other test for HIV is the antibody test so anyone who has been exposed to HIV will always test positive in the antibody test. In the viral load test, they might test negative because they are not transmittable, because the viral load is so low. So just arm yourself with that information, be aware of that, so when you are asking questions about someone's testing, you can find out, oh, are you on the antibody test or the viral load test. What hepatitis, have you tested for hepatitis A, B, C, what have you, and knowing that information. Also, knowing that information about you; like what's your status, when was the last time you tested. What exposures have you had since or between testing? Because the windows for testing differ depending on the test. The tests we take in the industry every two weeks, is every two weeks because that's the exposure window. Some tests are, won't test positive for a different window, because it's a less sensitive test, perhaps. So be mindful of that, ask questions, gather information, figure out what is the right protocol for you and sharing that. And going further into risk management, having the conversation about what type of sex are you going to have. 'Cause sex isn't just penis and vulva sex. It's not limited to that. That's a very heteronormative standard of sex that's taught in a lot of sex education courses in the states and it's such a heteronormal. What about the rest of the population? What about the queer folks? What about the folks who aren't interested in P and V sex or that is not accessible to them? What options are there for sex and also what options are there for risk management? So we have things like gloves for hand sex and that can be outer sex, penetrative sex, the vulva or anus, anal sex and stuff like that and you can just take it off and there's no fluid exchange. Hi Josh, welcome; welcome to the stream. I'm glad that you're tuning in. There are safe space guidelines provided for folks who are just jumping in that Maya can share and some other resources that have been shared here. Right now we're talking about risk management when you're getting down and dirty with new folks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh. Yes. Aww, okay. Cool. That sounds like a really fantastic time, emergetrust, so I'm gonna just share, 'cause it was. So it started with Appleton. I have some, I lack some content. Appleton, followed by Chocolate Tini, Blues guitar music with pretty porn, catch-up conversation then upstairs for kinky play. Yes for kinky play. Being tested, practicing safer sex, sexy, being known, oh, yeah; knowledge is so wonderful. Yes, oh my gosh, Maya; thank you for sharing that. Yes, asking what folks like to call their body parts, just like when you're meeting someone for the first time, checking in, like hey, what are your pronouns. My pronouns are this so you can reciprocate that; asking what folks want their body parts to be called. That's huge because I don't know about you, but I'm not really into the idea of triggering someone when I'm about to get intimate. I'd rather ask and have them self-identify and share that self-knowledge with me, so we can have really smooth, sexy time. Honoring their pronouns, honoring what they want their body parts to be called and their limitations and boundaries. Going back to risk management, there are different types of boundary, different types of barrier protections out there, depending on the type of sex you want to have. There are internal condoms, there are external condoms, there are dental dams, and gloves, and side bar, okay,total side bar. What do y'all feel about a dental dam with a little saddle over where it goes over the mouth? Put this on my IG story a couple days ago 'cause I think that would be so cute. I think it would be so cute, a little dental damn, a little saddle here, so, to place parts on. Just saying, putting it out there. Feel free to do with that idea what you will. But yeah, investigate and figure out what folks are interested in. Ask them what does sex look like to you? Does it look like P and V sex, does it look like outer sex, does it look like making out and mutual masturbation? And that can be in the form of flirting, dirty talk, texting, SnapChatting, all these things. Different modes of communication are at your disposal, and even in real life, and like phone calls. If people still do phone calls, I like phones. I like talking on the phone, I like hearing voices. That is very sexy to me, people's voices; huge turn on. Really arming yourself with information to set yourself up for success when you're getting intimate with folks. And again, for the new folks coming in, you're welcome to ask me, chime in with any questions, comments, concerns in the chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I actually wanna ask this of folks who came in 'cause I really like this question I can just type it again 'cause I wanna hear so we can talk about it. what are some inherited communication practices or behaviors that, I think that's how you spell it, yes, behaviors, that impede sharing information? 'Cause I know when I'm socialized as a woman, a female, growing up, it wasn't okay to talk about sex, it wasn't okay to talk about my desires and wants and kinks. Ooh, not at all, and I've had to overcome that. I've had to unlearn that culturally-imposed silence about pretty much advocating for what I want. So I'm curious if other folks have identified these inherited communication practices and behaviors that actually work as a barrier for information sharing, yeah, for sure. Okay, so a big thing for me, communication mediums, because there are a variety of ways to chat and also, these are my ways of leveling up to also being vulnerable. What's that, killing the mood. Oh, yes, killing the mood by talking before having sex, the most basic hindrance. You're afraid of encountering it. For you talking to kill the mood or for the person you're about to be intimate, to kill the mood by talking? Oh, yeah, so okay, I have a story about this, for sure. I had done a consent talk with a fraternity a couple months ago and people were asking, should I just listen to her body language? Do I really have to ask if I'm about to kiss someone? And if the equation of it is, if you're putting things on a scale, on one side of the scale is the discomfort that might come from asking and then potentially doing something non-consensual. I think the potential for doing something non-consensual outweighs thatpotential discomfort. Talk about things, right, clarify things. Make sure things are consensual, that you're practicing care, that you're being communicative, that you're being cautious. And this is the time for Maya to share the link to the article about the 4C's; so consent, communication, care and caution. Josh, that's not necessarily an appropriate question for this avenue. I say be communicative, check in with the individual, clarify the needs, wants, and desires on both ends. Yes, shaming is, ooh. Passive aggressive behavior, shaming, and Yes, I agree. I, ooh, this is a big pet peeve for me, negging as flirtation. And that comes from passive aggression and shaming in a way, 'cause in some ways, it's just like, ooh, I am flirting by kind of making you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. No; if that's the response that you want in me in this low-stakes interaction, no. Like, no; I don't like it. Yeah, communication for sure. There are definitely missteps in certain areas but this person communicates shows that they're taking active steps to do better. Going back to that how attractive lifelong learning is; that is a big plus, plus, plus for me. 'Cause again, everyone, you have to meet people where they are, and then go from there. If you want to continue, if you meet them where they are, and you're like, yeah, I wanna put labor into this and time into this and effort into this, go for it. But if it turns out that you don't have the emotional bandwidth or you don't wanna put the labor in, 'cause it's too taxing for you and it doesn't serve you, it's okay to say now. You can be like, un-match, like hey, I don't have the emotional bandwidth for this right now. I'm gonna un-match you. Good luck; things like that. What's this? Yeah, negging, ooh, I hate it. I hate it. The idea of just, like there's a boy in school, in youth, he's making fun of her; he must like her. Don't reinforce ultimately what is violent communication to be a form of seduction because that's violent communication that is attached to non-consent, that's attached to shaming someone and bullying and abuse. I'm not interested in that at all, no; I'm good. Find another way to be funny. I don't, I don't like that, if you can tell. We have about 10 minutes. You are welcome to ask me anything, share anything, give me any feedback and all that good stuff. I really love Andre's resource. It's a really good break down for that. I know, I can't handle it. Ooh, it makes me so mad. I hate negging, yeah. Can't handle it. Another thing too, I am a person that's capable of having many different types of sexual interactions. It doesn't always have to be cookie cutter, like this is a romantic, emotional, physical exchange. Sometimes it can be like, yeah, let's just hook-up. But even then, I like knowing a full picture or somewhat of a picture of someone. Yes, oh thank you. Thanks Maya. So again, a clitosaurus is a 3D printed model of a clitoris. If you are interested in getting, or like clitoris stickers, I believe we're giving away those. There is a link from Maya. There is a form there for you to fill out. They're really cute. I love the, I just wanna put googly eyes on all the clitosaureses. They're really pretty. Any questions, comments, or concerns? I would love to hear them. A big thing that, a gap that I encountered in dating is lack of consent models. It'd be nice to encounter folks who are well versed in consent, like the idea of what surface consent is, scene consent and deep consent. So surface content is explicit, like yes is; like body language, you really shouldn't rely on body language, but language around that is really essential, using actual words. Scene consent is like consent agreed to during a scene or BDSM scene. Again, the four C's article that Maya had shared pertains specifically to BDSM but these are tenants that I carry and trickle down into any intimate interaction. And deep consent; I think this is like a really big piece to consent that folks kind of forget is when you look back on the act, the interaction, the sex, the session, what have you, that you're like, yeah, that was consensual. That's a deep consent and that's pretty important because sometimes, in the moment of assault of breach of consent, coercion, what have you, survivors can experience the freeze response where they're still in it but not able to verbalize no. That's a very real thing. So deep consent is being able to look back on an interaction and be like, yes, that was indeed consensual and that's pretty key. I like debriefing after intimacy and checking in, like what went well, what didn't go well, what can we do better and all that. And sometimes I do that right after and sometimes I do that some time after to give it some space. And it's important because I wanna check in on partners too that it went well, that it was consensual for them too. Yeah, we have some time folks. I would love, I would love to hear from y'all and have a conversation about, yeah, about anything really. I am here for your questions now. I definitely struggle with clamming up. As a fem, I around very masculine sys men. And definitely need to work through that. Yeah, doing better and better. Yeah, so homework for y'all in regard to before you get down is think about what picture of myself, like what aspects and information about myself do I feel like I need to share with an individual so they are informed about me as an individual? Deal breakers for me when it comes to folks, I wish I had my list in front of me so I could share it with y'all are like, your politics, you ethics, your values, being a lifelong learner, being sex worker friendly because I'm a sex worker, and knowing that other folks will also have different deal breakers perhaps, and that's okay. And again, that Venn diagram idea of like everyone is a unique individual and you won't always perfectly align 100% but they'll be that sweet, middle part of the Venn diagram where you can flourish and grow and thrive and have sexy times, I hope. Yes. Oh yeah. Mm, mm, mm, testing, so key. And again, the link for finding testing centers near you, it's restricted to the United States, so for those outside of the United States, feel free to just to do searches and find if there are sex positive centers or LGBTIQA centers in town or clinics that will offer testing on a sliding scale or even free. There is free testing out there, so take advantage of that, so you can test, and ask, when you are going to a testing center, what are the exposure windows for this test? If I were to have sex two weeks ago, will it pop on a test if I am exposed to something? Yes; thank you, Maya, you are on it. So Maya just shared the Iampoly.net link. Yes, thank you. Ooh, my IG, I changed my IG, hang on. My IG is, my bad, is @lovemssmia_. Oh for sure, Steph; of course, absolutely. And if anyone ever wants to suggest a stream topic, feel free to DM me even though my DM's on Instagram are kind of restricted. I do check them so that way I can un-restrict it and have a conversation with folks. I think this was actually a stream that was suggested by someone. I had been humming and hawing at this idea and then someone had asked something and it was just, you know what, I should do that. Aw, thank you. Awesome. That is great. Yeah, I wish everyone very well in their explorations of other people and interactions. If y'all are interested in exploring ethical non-monogamy, Andre's site, iampoly.net is a fantastic resource for that. 'Cause I know I have, before reading her list that has been shared in the link here, I knew I prescribed to a relationship anarchy, which is clarifying expectations and how you show up and how this relationship works with every type of relationship ever and just honoring those things rather than prioritizing romantic relationships or familial relationships before all others and stuff like that. That's how I approach relationships. Yeah, oh thank you. Thanks everyone for that. I hope that you'll have learned some stuff, cleared some stuff up and yeah, have very fruitful intimate relationships with sex. And also, remember, start with yourself. Have an intimate, loving, supportive, introspective relationship with yourself first, 'cause you're number one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't forget. I forget all the time. I kind of remind you folks but I forget too. You gotta put yourself first and that's okay. It's not selfish; it's a matter of living, and thriving and surviving and all of those things at once. Again, if you are interested in a clitosaurus sticker, Maya has a form for y'all to fill out to get a free clitosaurus sticker and they're so cute. I love anatomical drawings and when they look cute, it's even better. So if you want a sticker, feel free to fill out that form. It's about time. Again, you can ping me on Twitter @LoveMiaLi or on IG. I check my IG more, @lovems, so lovemsmia, underscore. Yes, for the clitosaurus, check out that Google form. Let us know what's up. Yes, yes, yes. Arm yourself with information, practice some self-love and some self care and Maya, let me know when I am clear to go. Have a good night everyone. I hope everyone has a fantastic evening, week, weekend, life; all the good things. And I'll be back on Sunday, talking about healing from a traumatic relationship. Let me know. Bye everyone. Take care.

Before You Get Down

Date
Thu
Jan 25, 2018
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1:00 pm
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Calendar
Thursday, January 25, 2018
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1:00 pm

What do we need to share and know before we get down to intimacy? Let’s talk about disclosing status, expectations, consent, and more and getting over that awkward conversational hurdle.

Calendar

Upcoming
live streams

Join our live streams to learn from experts, ask questions, and interact with a diverse community of sex positive people.

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Dating after Divorce or a Long Relationship

Date
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
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3:00 pm
Date
Wed
Mar 27, 2019
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3:00 pm
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Dating again after a divorce or a long term relationship? Sensuality expert Lucia Pavone has guided many people on this journey, and she's here to help you too. For an hour, come hear her advice and ask your questions. It's free and totally anonymous. 6PM PT / 9PM ET

Shame free Seeds of Sexual Development

Date
Thursday, July 18, 2019
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3:00 pm
Date
Thu
Jul 18, 2019
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3:00 pm
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What does sexual development look like in young children? What tools can parents and caregivers use to support children growing into sexually healthy adults? Lydia will share strategies for promoting shame-free conversation with children.