ON-DEMAND

Be a Better Kisser

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Streamed
Monday, September 10, 2018

Kissing is the best. And it can get even better. Join Dr. Yoni and his kissing coach partner as they talk all about smooching.

Video transcript

Hi, everyone! Welcome to O.school. We are here, I'm Dr. Yoni Alkan, and my lovely kissing coach. - Hello, I'm Alexis. We are going to start in a few minutes. We're gonna wait for people to come in. We're gonna start in about five minutes or so, and today, we are in luck, because Alexis is wonderful, a wonderful, wonderful kisser. She's also my partner. By chance. We kind of picked each other. - I don't think that affects his opinions at all. - No, not at all, not at all. - I'm sure not at all. - We're, I'm unbiased. Completely. And yeah, so today we're gonna talk about kissing, and how to make kissing better, and what's, why is kissing important in our lives? - Ooh. - Which I think kissing is. - I have things to say about that. - Yeah, I think kissing is important in our lives. - Yeah, for sure. - Yeah, I think so. - I've got statistics to prove it, which I'm gonna tell you about after we start. - Yeah, yeah. We're gonna talk about a lot of different things. And yeah, statistics, and kind of, research about, what is kissing? And how important it is in our lives. I'm Dr. Yoni Alkan, I'm a sexual educator and sexual consultant. I'm also a professional cuddler, I run cuddle parties here in San Francisco. You can see San Francisco. And I'm also a one-on-one cuddler with cuddlist.com. I'm also writing The Book of Cuddles, which is a fantastic book, it's an instructional for cuddling, and it'll come out a month from today. - Very exciting! - Yes! You can go to-- - Where are you gonna launch it? - Ah! So, first of all, you can go to thebookofcuddles.com, and then you will, you can go to Amazon and pre-order the book if you'd like. I will be launching the book at the Cuddlexpo, which is the first ever cuddling convention. - Which is amazing. - Yeah, that's incredible. - I can't even tell you how sad I am I'm not gonna be there. - Yeah. I'm sad that you're not gonna be there. - I know. Well, somebody needs to have a kissing convention, and then-- - Ah-ha! - That will, that will make the calendar. I'm just saying, that will make the calendar. - For sure. Alright, everyone. We're gonna start in one minute, but I just wanted to let you all know that we are here. I'm Dr. Yoni Alkan, and this is the lovely Alexis. - Hello. - And we are going to be talking, and demonstrating, ooh! - That's why I'm here. - We're gonna talk about kissing, and we're gonna talk about, why is kissing important in our lives, and how we can be better kissers. And you can all, please, join in the chat. If you want, you can just sit and listen, that's absolutely fine, but, if you'd like, you can join the chat and ask us questions, or tell us stories. Tell us about the best kiss you've ever had, or also tell us about the worst kiss you've ever had, and what made them amazing or horrible, respectively. - I seriously want to tell the story of like, the worst first kiss ever, where someone, okay, so I went on a first date with someone. It was just about, it was, it was a confusing first date, I'm just gonna say that, because at the end of it, when he went to kiss me for the first time, instead of going-- I'm gonna demonstrate on him, and I don't even have his permission for this, but because we're partners, I know he's gonna forgive me for this later. - Alright, yes, I consent. - So, okay, he's gonna forgive me for this later. - Oh no. - He went in to do the kiss, and he just started-- - Oh ho! - Licking my-- I don't know if you could see that. He started licking my lips. Like a dog, you know what I mean? Like, it was-- Don't do that. - If you have figured out that a person likes that, then by all means, but as a first kiss, that was not the best first choice. - Yes, I don't recommend it, and we'll talk about why that is not a best first choice, that was-- - Other than it being weird. - Exhilarating, thank you. - I got your adrenaline pumping. - Yeah, exactly, thank you. - That was like, your fight-or-flight response kicked in. - So, um. So I wanna, before we start, I see that we already have some good questions here. - We do! - So, Tino, thank you so much for writing. "I just started dating someone who says that he has--" And I'm not sure I'm pronouncing this correctly. Maybe you can? - Odaxelagnia? - Yeah. - I think. - "Any tips for biting--" - I've never heard that said out loud. - Right! "Any tips for biting to increase arousal?" So I'm unfamiliar with that term as well, but I assume it means someone who enjoys getting bit. - Yeah. - Bitten, while, it increases arousal. And, you know what? We will answer that a little bit later, because uh, we will talk about biting a little bit, but it is, it is important, if that is what they like. First of all, thank them so much, oh, you said him, so thank him so much for saying that. - Yeah. That's fantastic that he can communicate that. And next, you have to-- Well, you know what, no, I'll talk about it now. Next, you have to basically ask, how much, like how strong do they like their bites? Some people just like nibbles, some people like really strong bites. I know someone who loves biting people's butts. They really do! They really, really love it, and they really enjoy it, but that's, they enjoy doing it to someone else. How do they enjoy getting bitten? And you can also ask where would they like to be bitten. - Yeah. - Is it on the lips, is it on the tongue, is it on their earlobe, anywhere else on their body, there are so many options. So yes, I would ask them where and how strong. And then you can start asking like, ooh, maybe like little nibbles, like fast, or maybe strong and stay there, and please think about it, if you stay on one spot for a long time and it's hard, it's gonna hurt more when you release. That's when it's gonna really hurt. So please pay attention to that. - I would suggest making it a game. - Yeah. - Personally, I think that lots of people like to have their lips bitten or their neck or any other part of them, as part of kissing, I think that's a pretty common thing, but it's a little bit less common for someone to want, like, really serious amounts of pain, or, you know, to have really long-lasting marks or something like that. So, other than gaging how far they are willing to go, making sure that you're not leaving any kind of a mark that they don't want or hurting them in a way, I would definitely just make it a game. Like, he might not even know where he likes to be bitten or how, so just, just, you know, have yourself a nice dinner and start biting. I think you'll probably be able to tell, you know, if he's willing to either make some noises or be very communicative about it, I think you'll be able to tell which things work better than others. - True, true. And thank you for bringing up the concept of marking. Do you, do you want to be marked? Does he want to be marked? And you wrote, thank you, "he says he feels like he needs biting to become really aroused". So this might be also not just for foreplay or for just, kissing as a lovely everyday thing, because, you know, some people like to just walk around the house, give someone a peck and continue, so maybe a bite is not in place in that situation. Maybe while you have sexual arousal, while you are having sex, whatever sex is, he needs biting. So that's a conversation to have, definitely. Elsie, thank you so much for your compliments. We, we, yes, we are, we try to be very authentic with one another and we love being together, so yes, thank you. - He's my sweetie pie, so. - Um, alright. We started off right off the deep end and like-- - Boy, we did! - Like, a really extreme question. Thank you, Tino, for asking that. - That's awesome. - Yeah, that's great. - Let's get into this. - Yeah, so let's, let's start talking about kissing. So, first of all, why do we kiss? Kissing is kind of a weird experience, you know? It's like, I'm gonna put my lips on your lips, and we are going to exchange saliva. That sounds really-- - Yeah, I mean, if someone spit in your mouth, you probably wouldn't be that keen on it. - Well... no, no, no. - Well, you know, I said "probably". - But yes, probably, yes. No, but I agree with you, and that's the thing, is, look, if you talk about sex in that mechanical way, it sounds gross. But, for some reason, humans really enjoy kissing, and it's all over the place. It's in cultures all over the globe. And we don't really 100% know why we kiss, but there are a few assumptions, a few theories. One of them is that, um, we kiss in order to have biological compatibility. So there's something about kissing that allows us to figure out our chemistry between us. And just by us trying out, like, seeing if, if we feel right for one another, kissing gives a lot of information between the two people. So some people say that the saliva exchange is also, biologically you feel, are they compatible or not? Another reason is also, we share saliva, we also share antibodies, so it is, there is, you know, oh my god, all the different diseases that we have in our mouth! We also have antibodies, so there's also a compatibility in that sense. You've also done some research about kissing, right? - I have. There's actually, mostly the only studies I've been able to find, and my day profession is a librarian, so I do the research, that's just me, so you're gonna have to suffer through a few statistics. But fortunately, they are actually interesting and helpful. So most of the studies that have been done have been heterosexual cis male/cis female studies, so with the acknowledgement that it does not cover non-binary people, it doesn't cover homosexual relationships, etc. It's a very cis heteronormative field, unfortunately, for the most part. They have found, mainly, men and women like the same things about kissing. They tend more towards having the same tastes, rather than different tastes. But there are a few places where that's not true. It turns out that men like tongue and saliva much more than women do, so this actually leads to the greatest complaint that men have about kissing is not enough tongue, and the main complaint that women have about kissing is too much tongue, so if you can overcome the tongue/no tongue/less tongue, you know, kind of problems in male/female kissing, you're probably well on your way. Some other things that appear to be true, from these studies: while a man is about 50%, has a 50% likelihood of kissing, I'm sorry, of sleeping with someone without kissing them first, for women, that is 10-15%. So for women, apparently, it is a much more important step towards actually having more intense sexual activities between two people. Another thing is that, this one is really for the cis men out there, I guess, if a women perceives that a man is a bad kisser, she is half as likely to sleep with him. So pay attention for the rest of this stream. - Yes. So I've heard from a lot of people, men and women, about how the first kiss, or not just the first kiss, but the first night of kissing basically makes or breaks the, are we gonna see each other again? - Yeah, for sure. - Because it, like I said, it gives you a lot of indication about the person, and the way they communicate, the way that they treat you, the way that they communicate with you, non-verbally, even. And that really helps get the information across and see if there's a match between people, and I've heard from so many times, like, oh my god, he was so hot, but his kisses were horrible, and that's it, the night ended. So yes, please, think about the way that you kiss, ask different partners what they like, and don't forget that each person is different, each person likes something else. But yeah, you can find what you like, and what your partners like. - Right. - Um, Maya, you say that, "that's so funny, it includes foreplay". I don't know what you're referring to, so if you could write that again. LibbyLou, "that tongue fact makes the bad kisses I've had make so much more sense". I'm so sorry. - I know, I'm right there with you, LibbyLou. - Yeah, if you saw the first-- - You go, oh my god, what are you doing? -And I had that as well. I've had that experience as well, where it was like, someone, let's see, I've had someone who did the snake kisses, so that means that they basically like, took their tongue in and out of my mouth really, really quickly, which might be what they like. - Sure. - That's good. I'm sure that there are people who like that, as well. I enjoyed it a little bit, but it was more kinda like, hmm. - This is odd. - Well, this is different, yeah. - Oh, there was one other thing I forgot to say about differences between men and women. - Yeah. - The one other big difference that showed up statistically was that, in addition to men liking more tongue and teeth in kisses, they also showed a greater interest in hearing their partner's reaction. So whether that's moaning or gasping or whatever your appropriate reaction is to what's going on, men showed a higher interest in actually being able to hear that their partner was enjoying themselves during the kiss. - Interesting, yeah. - So, just another little tip. - I agree with that statistic. - Yeah? - I mean, yeah, I like hearing what my partner is going through, like, I want to hear if they're enjoying themselves, and that's, again, listening, for communication. - Yeah. - This is non-verbal, but it is audial communication, and I wanna hear, oh, this is good, I can continue in that direction, or hmm, I'm not sure this is working out, let's change route. - Sure. - Yeah. Maya, you said. "the data about men vs women wanting to kiss before sex, wondering if that means there was no kissing foreplay?" - Right, so the way the question was phrased in the study, if I remember, was very, very basic-level question, which was, "would you have sex with someone without kissing them first?" and I took that to mean, at all, no kissing at all. So I could be wrong about that, but I believe that was the way the question was framed. - Yeah, it sounds like that to me as well. Yeah. - Yeah. - LibbyLou, also, thank you for sharing. "My first kiss was like, their tongue straight to the back of my throat. No thank you!" Yeah. - Yeah, it's better to work up to something like that, if you're interested in it. - Exactly, if it is-- This is kind of the extremes. You wanna, and we're gonna talk about how extremes can be great, and we're gonna give a few examples of extreme, extremities to try out, because sometimes extreme stuff is a lot of fun, you know, it could really work out. But yes, don't start out with that. If that's your first kiss, start with something really basic and you don't have to go too far. - Yeah. - So we've been talking about, about kisses and how they're constructed, and basically, we've been repeating three different things. And there are three elements to kissing, basically, and three body parts that we use for kissing specifically. And we have the lips, we have the tongue, and we have the teeth. So, I don't know why I needed to demonstrate that, most people know what lips, tongue, and teeth are. But the thing is, now we wanna talk about, what is the ratio between, how much do we use our lips, and how much do we use our tongues, and how much do we use our teeth, and on what, so if we want to use our teeth, for instance, just like we mentioned earlier, am I biting the lips, or nibbling on the tongue? Do people like touching teeth together? I think that's kind of extreme, I don't know if people enjoy that, but maybe some people do like to feel that hardness. I don't know, you can try it out. I think both me and Alexis kind of agree about the ratio of what we like. Again, this is our preference. Tell me if I'm wrong. We kind of like 80% lips, and 15% tongue, and maybe like 5% teeth. Is that--? - For me, that actually depends on who I'm kissing. - Mm. - So I think that, with you, that's definitely my preference. With other partners, in the past, that has changed. And it just, it depends on how they kiss, honestly. - True. - And what the situation is. So, I think it can vary from partner to partner, as well as within a particular relationship or over time. - Yeah, I agree, I agree. Things change from time to time from person to person. And what you like may change from person to person. - Yeah. - Definitely. - So Elsie is bringing up a great point, and we're gonna talk about consent right after this, because I act-- - Actually, right now. - Oh, we are? Okay. So I think that's actually, the number one element of kissing is consent. And then you have lips, teeth, and tongue. - That was my next sentence. We have those three elements, but there's one that trumps it all, which is consent. We have to have consent. Just, um, I'll read out what Elsie wrote. "For someone who is new to dating after a long break, wondering about consent. After a first consensual kiss with a new partner, is it best to ask for consent for every kiss to follow in the relationship?" so that's a great question, and, by chance, I'm a consent advocate, because I'm a professional cuddler. That doesn't have to do with kissing, but it does have to do with consent. And yes, asking for consent for the first kiss, kind of agreeing, hey, would you like a kiss, would you like us to kiss, that's a good, important thing to do. It's great to have it verbally, but you can also have some non-verbal cues, it's just a little bit more murky. It's better to have it verbal if you feel that it's right. Once you have that consent, you have, I believe you have kind of an open invitation to kiss again during that night, but you have to stay focused and stay alert to find out if their body language is showing that maybe that consent is no longer in place. And you should totally check that out and make sure that you're in the right place, because you do not want to kiss someone without their consent. - For sure. - If you are in a long-lasting relationship, and this is not the first, uh, the first-- - Rodeo? - Yeah, it's not the first date. - Not the first rodeo. - And you've been together for a while, and you've seen each other quite a few times, most likely, consent is implicit, and it is okay to kiss one another. If you do not feel comfortable about it, please verbalize that, and say, hey, is it okay if I just kiss you when I feel like it? - Yeah. - Are you good with that? And communicate that kind of consent. And please, yes, if you don't feel, and again, you wanna kind of notice body language, because, would you kiss me please? That doesn't really make her want-- yeah, exactly, I'm sorry. - That's like-- - That usually works, you know what I mean? - Right, and that's the thing, like if they don't react, really, to your kisses, then yeah, maybe something's a little off and don't go smooching them that moment. - Yeah. - And you should ask. - I would say also, another thing to remember is, so if you had that like, kind of nice, soft first kiss, they're probably, hopefully, gonna be okay with a second kiss, assuming everything went well and everybody's happy and all of that. I would say though that the next, like, super crucial point to check for consent, is if you wanna do something else. Right, so if you wanna move on to something that feels a little bit more intimate, if you've just been kissing on the neck, or, sorry, kissing on the lips, and you wanna move to their neck, for example, or you wanna start using your hands in various places on their body, that kind of thing. That might be another good place to sort of really slow down and either verbally check for consent or make sure that, if you're not being verbal, you're at least giving them the space to stop or pull away or do whatever to indicate that maybe they're not super into continuing on in that vein. - Yeah, I agree, I definitely agree. Jeannie also wrote, "biologically--" - Oh, sure. - "I read that a possible purpose is testosterone transfer, which could be why men are more into tongue, seeking to transfer?" - Sure. So there are studies about this, you do have hormones in your spit, and there is a theory that men could be passing trans, or sorry, passing testosterone to women through spit in order to increase their sex drive, etc. There isn't any clear evidence that that is actually true, it's really just kind of a guess, based on the fact that there are hormones there. - Right. And actually, when I think about it, that actually makes sense the other way around. If testosterone is being transferred, men have a higher rate of testosterone in their bloodstream than women, um, than females, so maybe females would want to kiss to get more testosterone. I don't know. Again, it's a theory. It's like-- - I don't know, I think that works both ways. - Yeah, maybe, maybe. - Yeah. I think everyone is more interested in the woman being turned on in that scenario, right, so. - I think everyone wants to get turned on. Alright. Thank you, Elsie, and thank you, Jeannie, for those comments. Yes, please keep 'em coming. - For sure. - So, let's talk a little bit about technique. How do we wanna kiss? So, first of all, just like we said, consent is really important, it's number one key. Alexis, would you like to kiss me? - I would. - I'm really happy. We're gonna, just, just because she said yes, hold on one second, please. Thank you. - You're welcome. - Alright, so. Like we said, a lot of people go to extremes, or start really aggressive kissing right off the bat, and I can understand where that's coming from. It could be because that's the way they saw kissing portrayed in movies and the media, it could be because, oh my god, I get to kiss someone, I don't get to kiss someone often, I'm gonna go for it, like, really enthusiastically. But that couldn't-- - Or they're super turned on and you know. Or they're so turned on-- - They've been working up to it all night, and they're freaking out, or like, you know, lots of reasons. - Or that's their technique, so that could also be. But we recommend not doing that. Not going for the extremely really rough kissing, aggressive kissing right off the bat. We recommend starting off slow and easy. Now, not only that, we kinda want to communicate and listen to one another, so the first time we want to kiss, we want to be kind of neutral, and listen to what the other person is saying with their lips, saying with their kisses. Now again, we're gonna only concentrate on lips, in the beginning. Let's start just with lips. So the way we want to start listening to one another is we want to relax our mouths, we want to relax our lips. We don't have to pucker, like really hard and out. - Don't make your duck face. - Yeah. - Don't do that. - No, you don't have to. I can see the, that is gonna be the, the image for this video. - Oh crap. - But you do want to kind of relax your lips, and be in kind of a neutral space for you to communicate what's going to happen. I wanna listen to what her, listen with my lips, to what her lips are saying, that that is what she wants. We'll demonstrate just a very simple, easy, both of us are kind of neutral, relaxed lips to one another. - Yeah, soft, not-- - Soft. - Soft lips. Not tensed up in any way. - Yeah, exactly. We don't want, we don't wanna strain our lips, we gotta, we wanna relax them to be soft. So, this is what it looks like. So good, I had to go for another one. Thank you. But that's the thing. Just by us being really neutral, and just relaxing and letting our lips touch and kind of reach out to one another, but not in a like, more like a, oh, we just wanna feel what our lips feel like. 'Cause there's a difference between just brushing your lips against one another without, really, intention to contact, and kind of reaching out for one another in a very gentle way. Now, once we have that contact, we can start listening. What does the other person like? How do they like to kiss? What do they like more? What do they like less? And we can do more of that thing, we can signal what we like, and it's kind of like a conversation. Just like dancing. Just like sex. - Yeah. - It's a conversation that we want to be having continuously throughout our kissing session. - And I do think that, for two people whose kissing styles are not necessarily compatible right off the bat, that is the most important thing, is to listen. So I know, certainly, having been on the receiving end of a lot of kisses from men. That sounded bad. - It sounds great. - No, it is! You know, you gotta learn somehow, right? I think that the biggest mistake people make isn't, you know, that they don't use the exact amount of tongue that I like, or that they nibbled on my lip when I didn't want them to, or something like that. It's that they felt that they needed to be in control of the kiss the whole time, right? Like, they never relinquished any control over that kiss to figure out how I might respond to them without them being in the driver's seat. And that is, your absolute key moment is when you relinquish control over that kiss. That's how you find out what that other person actually wants. And, you know, there are some possibilities there, maybe the person is kissing you that way because they think that's what you like, that's totally possible, but at the beginning, when you are just getting to know each other, this is the opportunity that you have to actually figure out what's going on. In two ways. One, what do they like? And two, are they actually still into it? Right, so this kind of goes back to consent. If you relinquish control, and the person on the other end of that kiss is not really kind of pushing forward a little bit to take over, and really continue that kiss, that's probably a pretty good indication that you might wanna take a break for a second. And either stop altogether or give them room to, like, hey, I gotta go to the bathroom, okay, and you know, just get away from it. Because you don't wanna be kissing someone who doesn't wanna kiss you back. That's, that's awful. - 100%. - So yeah. - Yeah, definitely. And you wanna take the time. You know, you wanna enjoy it. We're here, kissing should be a pleasurable activity. You should enjoy it. If you don't, then yeah, maybe, maybe kissing is not for you, and you should communicate that. Kinda like, uh, I know it's weird, but I don't really like to kiss, and that's fine, that's absolutely fine. - Yeah. - Most people do enjoy kissing. And, if we do enjoy it, it's not a means to an end, it's not like, oh, I'm kissing now so I can have sex later. No! I'm kissing now because I'm kissing now. I enjoy those kisses and-- I really enjoy those kisses, thank you. - Thank you. - And so, please, take the time and progress, and enjoy that time of just listening to one another and communicating, right? And also, like, if this is the first time you're kissing, then yes, please don't push forward too quickly, you wanna take that time and progress. - Personally, I think that's always a sexier way to go about it. - Yeah, I agree. - At the very, at least at the very beginning. Some people like that all the time. - That's true, that's true. So another thing, just like we said that we want to listen to one another, a lot of people, not just in kissing, also in touch and also in sex, when they want something done to them, they do it to you. That's kind of like a, I believe, this is my theory, I think it's kind of your mind saying, oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if someone pet my shoulder? You know, kinda, just by imagining it, you're already wanting to do it to someone else, so they would do it to you. So the same thing goes with kissing. So if you're in a neutral state, and you notice that your partner is doing something, your kissing partner is doing something specific, you can try to imitate that and see if they like it. There's a good chance that they do. - Yeah. - Yeah. Alright, so, we've been talking a lot about this area, which is really important, but we have a whole body, and kissing doesn't just involve our lips, it can, but we have our whole bodies and we have hands and we want to kind of exchange touch as well. So here are a few things that you can do with your hands, while you're kissing. She's smiling, because she knows-- - Keep it PG. - Yes, we're gonna keep it PG for now. - For now? - 'Cause the camera is on! - Oh. - No, we're gonna keep it PG, but I wanna show you some stuff, what you can do with your hands. So, while you are kissing, you can definitely-- It's okay if we? Yes. - Yes. - Okay, so it's definitely great to just hold one another and feel, oh my god, this feels good already. You can definitely, and she wore a very soft shirt today, so-- - Velvet. - It's velvety and oh my god, it feels so nice. So definitely, there's a whole body that you can hold while you're kissing. The other thing that a lot of people like, and again, this is maybe not for the immediately first kiss, but maybe throughout, even the first evening, you can progress to later kisses with holding someone's head or playing with their hair. Sorry, I'm doing the other side so you can't see. Playing with their hair while you kiss them. This is very interesting, because it involves a very fine line in consent, in the sense that if you hold someone's back of their head, or the back of their neck, it might feel intimidating for them. So please watch out. Some people have experienced aggression and violence that relates to grabbing of the scruff of the neck, so please watch out, if you do that, be extra attentive and make sure that the other people is okay with it. And then you have the face, and you have the lovely face, and face touching, our faces are really sensitive, and when you touch someone's face, there's a lot in there, and there's a lot of intimacy in there, so I will, I will kiss you three times now. Is that okay? - Yeah. - Yeah. - One of them, I will just touch and hold you on your shoulders. And the second one, I will hold the back of the neck. Is that okay, do you feel comfortable with that? - Yes. - Oh, great. And the third one, I will touch your face. And if you want to give feedback, I'd be delighted. - Okay. - So the first one is just holding the body. And the second one is holding the head. You can feel that's already-- It feels-- It feels so good. And the last one is touching someone's face, and really gently and slowly, not like-- - Don't do that. Don't do that. - I'm so tempted! - I kinda want him to do it. - Alright. - Be a grown-up, be a grown-up. Okay, alright. - We're professionals. So, just touching someone's face really gently and softly. Thank you, must we stop? Oh, this feels so good. - There's more class. - Yeah, there's more class, okay. Sorry. Control yourself. She's just a great kisser, what can I do? So yes, don't forget that you have hands, you have the rest of your body, that you can definitely, how close are you to the other person, how close is your chest, do they like to feel the weight of your body on theirs? And again, this is something that someone who's experienced sexual assault might be intimidated by, so please watch out. Pay attention to it. Be, just be careful. - Yeah. And definitely, if you're gonna have that kind of pressure on someone, like, you're, you know, really holding their head or something like that, let go. - Yes. - Like, don't-- That might be a thing that you really like. Totally fine. But even when you are in a relationship with someone, and you already know they like it, let go sometimes. Because the person may need a break, they may wanna break away, so if you're really holding their head, and wanting to like, just control all of the situation, that's okay up to a point, but please do take a break from that and make sure that they're still engaged and still wanting that, and not wanting to change things or whatever. - Right. - That's definitely a thing. - And I'm gonna bring in another element about this, we are talking a lot about how to make other people feel safe when you kiss them. I see this move a lot, like with people who are hyper masculine, or feel the need to show their masculinity and dominate the other person. They don't have to be male or female, they just want to show dominance and masculinity. Let's say we're in a pub or something like that, and someone, you know, if you're against the wall, and he puts his hand next to her head. Again, I'm saying him to her, but it can be any gender. And really comes up close. And right now, what I'm doing is basically blocking her way. She can't escape. And that feels horrible. That feels that I'm taking away her control of the situation. When I kiss someone, especially if they're new, especially if we're in a public place, I want to make sure that if she doesn't want it, she can walk away. She can, she has the physical spacial possibility of just walking away. So I want you to pay attention to that, and think about it, because it is something that is taught in our media a lot of times, that like, oh, this kinda macho thing. It can be very intimidating, and not pleasurable. - Yep. - Yeah. - Alright, so, some more things to look out and watch out when you kiss someone. Saliva. How much or how little are you exchanging or you have in your mouth? - And to repeat from the beginning, for anyone who's joined us, there are some differences between men and women in their general preferences, so this doesn't apply to everyone, and the studies are very like, cis male/cis female heteronormative, etc. But studies have shown that men prefer more saliva and more teeth during kissing. So this is a thing that, as a female who is often kissed by men, is something that is one of my bigger complaints in life, is someone immediately trying to shove their tongue in my mouth or, you know, that kind of thing. - Which you've also shared in the chat, so please, yes, if you have more stories like that, or others, please-- - Yeah, or questions. - Yeah, or questions, please feel free. Thank you, thank you for that. So yeah, saliva. Watch out not to have too much, or maybe it's too dry, maybe your mouth is too dry, and you need a sip of water. Please, take care of your bodies. If you have too much saliva, pull away for a second, swallow, and then come back for another kiss. You don't want to drown the other person. The next thing to watch out for is friction. If you have a beard, if you have stubble, if you have piercings, all of these things, these are rough, rough things around your mouth. - Yeah. - And if you are kissing a lot, especially stubble, stubble is kinda the worst in that, in that sense. Sorry, yes, that's why I like a beard, and not stubble. But it's, when you have friction, again and again and again, you might end the night with like, a really red mouth. And it might hurt, and it might not look well, and if you wanna keep it private, then people are like, ah, I know what you did, right, so please-- - Yeah, you can get like, dried, flaking off skin, you can get breakouts, you can get really chapped lips, like, basically, guys, shave, okay? Like, shave or grow it out to the point where you're not gonna hurt someone. Just, you know. I mean, there are women out there who actually really like the feel of stubble. - True. - But there will come a point where that turns from liking it into kind of injury. So unless she's into the injury part, which is totally fine, but unless she's into that, you're probably making her next few days kind of crappy. - And also beard. My beard is pretty soft, and still, it can really, if, you know, if we kiss for a very long time, yeah, it could still make some friction and irritation of the skin. The next thing is to watch out for your teeth, right? So you don't, like I mentioned earlier, you don't really want to knock your teeth against one another, it is connected to our skulls and it, we can really feel anything that knocks up against our teeth, and if you do like biting, make sure that it's not too much, or if it's not too hard. Unless this is a clear preference, right? If that is what you like, then please do. - Sure. - But if you do have little bites or nibbles, make sure that the other person is okay with it and wants it. And marking, again, like, if you kiss someone too hard, you might leave a mark. - Yeah. I have literally had someone kiss me repeatedly in the exact same place on my face, like, sucking on my upper lip so many times in a row in one, kind of, session, that I got a hickey on my lip. Like, on my face. So yeah, I was not into that. Just gonna say, I wasn't into that. So be careful. - Yeah, you wanna take care of one another, so-- - Yeah. - Don't leave hickeys that are unwanted. - Yes. And definitely not on their faces. - Not on the face! I'll kiss your face! Alright. The next thing to watch out for is your breath. You know, halitosis is a thing. Some people's-- - Onions are a thing. - Onions are a thing. - Yeah. - Garlic is a thing. Spicy food is a thing. - Yeah. - You wanna watch out and make sure that the other person is in the right place. For instance, before starting this stream, I drank a cup of coffee. - And I hate coffee. - I know that she hates coffee, so I brushed my teeth and I used mouthwash, just to make her feel good. I don't mind if my breath smells like coffee, I like coffee! She does not. - No, I do not. - Yeah, so I wanna take care of her. I want her to enjoy my kisses. Alright, yes, that's breath about coffee. Cigarettes is the same, nicotine is the same. - Yeah, oh, worse. - Now, the problem with cigarettes and nicotine is that your whole body smells of it. - True. - So please think about that, a lot of people don't enjoy it. Same thing with alcohol. You can, after one drink, you can taste the alcohol on another person. So again, it might not bother you, and that's fine, but if it does, communicate that. Yeah. - Sure. - Alright, so we mentioned a game earlier on. Elsie also thanked us for this-- You wanted to say something? - No, go for it. - Oh, okay. So here's a little game that you can play with your partner. - She has a, Amarosa has a question. - Amarosa has a question. Okay, you wanna read it? - Sure. "How can you gently tell someone that their breath needs a little refreshing before resuming kissing?" That's a hard one. - Yeah, that's a difficult-- - It's a hard one. - That's a difficult thing. Thank you so much, Amarosa, for asking that. Um, it's difficult, but I think it's important. And the ways that you can do that is, one, you can kind of insinuate it by like, oh, I need a piece of gum, do you want a piece of gum? You can insinuate that. Or you can, you can actually say it out-- it's not an easy conversation. - Sure. - But you can say, I really enjoy kissing you, but there's something that's bothering me. Would you mind working with me about it? Most likely, people will say yes. - Yeah. - And then you can say, there's something in your breath, or your flavor, your taste. Would you might brushing your teeth or using mouthwash or, I've got some mints or whatever. Do you mind, before? 'Cause I really wanna continue kissing you, but this is really bothering me. - I'll be honest, the way that I've usually dealt with this is by blaming it on myself. - In what way? - Which is maybe a weird thing to do, but in the interest of not, just, uh, it's such a hard thing to do, I, you know, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you like, oh, you should just do this thing, right? Like it's easy. It's not easy, so the thing that I've done in the past is said something along the lines of, oh my gosh, I think I can still taste those onions I had for lunch, I'm going to have a piece of gum. I'm going to have a mint. I'm going to blabbity blah. Would you like one? And it gives them, like, an out, where they don't have to feel super embarrassed. So as long as you're okay kind of saying, insinuating that you might have bad breath. This works great. Apparently, I think that's easier than telling them they have bad breath. - Well, I'll tell you what, I think you're right, in the sense that it's easier for ourselves to say like, oh, I feel bad about myself and this is my insecurity, because we are all insecure about ourselves. - Yes. - Everyone is. But what that does, and I like it, I like what you're saying, you're giving them an out. - Yeah. - You're basically planting that idea of breath in their mind, and while you are saying, I still feel like I have a bad breath, you are making them kinda think, oh wait, do I have bad breath? - Yeah, you've giving them the perfect opportunity to just accept the offer without feeling bad or feeling like they inconvenienced you or anything like that, you know. - Right. And granted I'm, hmm, you know what, I don't know, I wonder if the conversation that I kind of proposed would be harder to do after that kind of test. I don't know test. Like, tryout, of like, oh, I need a breath mint, would you like one? No. Well, actually-- That might be harder, I don't know. - I don't know, I think if someone was really gonna not take the hint, I think that would make it a little bit easier for me to say, you know, I think it's probably better if we both had one. - Yeah, maybe, maybe. - You know, I, but you're right, it might feel awkward for other people. It's, you know, I mean, this really is about what your particular kind of style is, in my opinion, you know. I mean, that tends to be my style, I wanna diffuse the situation a little bit and just kinda move forward. If it was a consistent issue, like, if this was someone I had a relationship, this has actually happened to me once. I had a relationship with someone about 10 years ago who just consistently had bad breath, and I finally had to have a conversation with him about it, and that sucked, it was terrible. But, the solution that we came to was he would just, he would use, brush his teeth and use mouthwash before every single date, and if we went out to eat, he would brush his teeth and use mouthwash in the restaurant, before we left the restaurant, and it ended up working. I mean, there were other reasons that didn't work out, but um, he was, he was okay with hearing it. It wasn't the first time that he had heard it, because it was a consistent issue. - Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And some people just do have halitosis, and it's just, worse breath than other people, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's just uncomfortable, for sure. Thank you, Amarosa, that's a great question, and thank you for whomever tipped, that's really lovely of you, thank you! - Oh, thank you! - Alright, so, we mentioned a game. So what kind of game you can play with your partner in order to kinda try out new kisses and new things. So the game has basically three steps. And the first step is that you play around, you give yourself a minute or two to play together, and you wanna start off just kissing with your lips. No tongue, no teeth, you just want to use your lips. It's kinda putting a handicap on yourself. - Yeah. - And that-- - And, just to be explicit about this, tell them you're playing a game. - Oh, oh, yes, sorry. Hey, partner, would you like to play a game with me about kissing? - Right. - I think it's gonna be a lot of fun. Yes, definitely make it clear that we are playing a game together. - Yeah, and I think there's, there's two really good situations where you might wanna do this. One, if the person is not that great of a kisser, for your tastes, this is a really good way to explore some things, give feedback, the little nudges, you know, try to push things a little bit in the direction you wanna go in. It creates the perfect place for you to give feedback on things. And then the other situation is that you just wanna have fun. - Definitely. - 'Cause it's fun. - Kissing is fun. I like, I like kissing you. - I like kissing you. - So yeah, so you start off with making sure that everyone knows that we're playing a game. And you give yourself like a minute or two each time, and the first time, you only kiss with your lips. No tongue and no teeth, just use your lips, and see what kind of kisses you can, you can find with using your lips. Now, after the first 15, 20 seconds, you're like, hmm, I already kissed that way, let's see what other ways I can find that we can kiss. So you kinda end up exploring. - Right. - What kind of kisses you want. - And the key here for me is that you take turns driving. - Yes. - Right, so-- The first person is in charge, they, I'm kissing him, for example. And I am kissing him in whatever way I want to, with only my lips. And the key there is, after I'm done kissing him for the two minutes, or however long you decide to do this, is he can give me feedback, and he can say, oh my god, I loved it when you did x, right? He could also say, I wasn't so crazy about y. But positive feedback tends to have a very good reaction all on its own, so if you're picking out the one or two things you really loved about that kiss, you're pretty likely to get that again the next time they kiss you. And then you switch, right? So it isn't all on him to give you feedback about whether you, your kisses were good, right? Then it's his turn to drive. With only lips. And my turn to receive. And then I give him feedback. And it creates this really intimate, really easy way to communicate with each other about the different things that you really enjoyed about the kiss, and also, it gives you a chance to actually make a suggestion, right, so if someone didn't do something that you wanted, or you did something to them, but they didn't do it back to you, and it was something you really liked, it would be a good time to actually say it. You've created a moment where it is perfectly appropriate, and hopefully not hurtful or triggering in any way, to give that person some information about the kinds of kisses that you enjoy. - Hear, hear. Yeah, that's a great thing to have, because like we, like you said about the bad breath, it's also about kissing, some people, you know, you don't like the way someone is kissing you, and it's really difficult to tell them that. - Yeah. - So building that kind of game can really ease it up. So that's the first step, you wanna just use your lips. Then, once you've done that, giving each other feedback, you can go on and do the same thing, only this time only lips and tongue. So you wanna continue kissing with your lips, but also incorporate tongue. Now, there are so many different things that you can do with your tongue, so try them out, try just a little bit, just protrude your tongue just a little bit outside your lips, try really deep, I don't know, try it out, see what's good, give each other feedback, right? - One of my favorites is when you're very softly kissing someone, and your mouths are just a little bit open, and both of your tongues just sort of like, boop, just touch, just like for a second. It's super hot, like, people usually go hard with the tongue, or not hard, but like, they go deep, and they're like, you have to be really, really active with the tongue, but I don't think that's true. A lot of those really delicate touches are amazing, because your tongue is so sensitive, as are your lips, so it's good to play, not just with like, the depth of things, but also the pressure that you're using when you touch someone else. - Yeah. I would, I would really like it if, at least once in my life, when our tongues touched, they would go boop! - Boop! Okay, life goals, life goals. - We're gonna have to figure that one out, how we're gonna do that. Boop! - Boop! That's gonna be hard to do, I think. - Alright, Maya has some comments-- - Okay, later. - Yes, later. Thank you. We're gonna need someone with like a, a voicebox, like, boop! Alright, Maya is saying: "This seems like a great solution for a question I was going to ask. How do you spice up kissing with someone you've been with for a long time, and are way beyond kissing as the main form of intimacy." - Yes. - "How do you reignite kissing as intimate? So again, this is definitely, this is definitely one answer, but do you have any other thoughts?" So, kissing-- - I do. - Go ahead, you go for it. - I have other thoughts. So one of the things that-- So I think people who have been in a relationship for a long time, you tend to get very used to the way the other person is, right, so it's, you know how they're gonna kiss you. You know how they're gonna hug you when you get home. You know exactly what they like when you scratch their back. You know everything about this person. Or you think you do. So, one thing that I would suggest is try kissing them differently than you usually do. Like, you have a way that you kiss. I'm sure you know what it is. You probably don't even need to think about it. Do it differently. I think that's, you know, number one. Number two would be, this is what I would do, because I'm slightly evil, apparently, I would make it so that, guess what, for the next two days, nothing but kisses. Right, like, it's gonna make you concentrate on how you're kissing each other, and how much energy and, in particular, sexual energy, you're putting into that kiss, because, I, you know, if that's all you're gonna get for the next couple of days-- - Yeah! - Or whatever period of time is appropriate for you. I think that that's also kind of a fun way to push things. And then, you know, after the two or three days are up, you're probably gonna have a lot of fun. - That's true, that's true. And just like you said earlier, I would communicate with my partner and say-- - Oh yeah, tell them that's what you're doing! - Yeah, tell them, like, I'm gonna try kissing you in a different way tonight, I wanna try other things. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - 'Cause otherwise, they might, oh my god, what happened, is there anything wrong, or is something bad? - Have you been kissing someone else? You know, when you're not supposed to, you know. I think there's a couple other things you can do as well. So it might be fun to add different elements to kissing that aren't normally there. Holding ice in your mouth for a while, so that your tongue is really, really cold is super fun. Playing with food, like, you know, holding a grape in your mouth and feeding it to the other person through a kiss, that's great. Kissing in positions you don't normally kiss in. Personal favorite is the Spider-Man kiss. You know, like, where you're like this and they're like this, upside down. Really good, you just put your head over the back of the couch. It's, you know, or on the couch arm. That works out really well. So I think just changing the circumstances around the kiss can make it all of a sudden way hotter, even if you don't change the way you're kissing the person. - Yeah, and you're touching on things we wanted to talk about just in a minute, so it's great, so I'm gonna continue and say-- - Yeah, sure. - A few other extremities, extreme things that you can do with kissing, or try out with kissing. And then, Maya, I want to have one more comment about your question. So one of the things that you can try out to kinda figure out, oh, how can we make kissing different, is kissing different parts of your face or your mouth, so it feels really interesting to kiss the side of your mouth. - It does, particularly if you don't have a beard. - That's true. If you have a beard, it might tickle. I've found that kissing the side of the nose is really interesting, I know this is weird, but for some reason it's really interesting. Some people like kissing dimples. - Oh my god, I love his dimple! It just makes me wanna-- Okay, sorry. - But yeah, kiss other parts of the face, the ear, the neck, there are so many different areas, just try some things out. - Yep. - Next thing, again, it might seem weird to you, but for some people, they really enjoy licking the other person's teeth or gums. Again, I know it might sound weird, but it might be really pleasurable, for you or for them. Try it out, you can never know. - Play a game. - Play games, exactly. Oh, which reminds me, on the game, we didn't talk about the third stage. - Oh yeah, that's add teeth. - Yeah, so try, start just with lips, then lips and tongue, and then lips and teeth as well, so find different ways to-- - Lips, tongue and teeth. - Lips, tongue and teeth, try out different things. Kristina says that they like to-- - I like to kiss biceps too! - Kiss biceps. - I do. - Alright. - I don't know, whatever, but I do. -Yeah. Yeah, no, no, it's cool, it's cool. I get it. Elsie, "so many amazing suggestions." Thank you! Jeannie, "I was going to say, kiss/nibble different parts of the body". - For sure. - Yes, definitely. If we're talking about nibbling, nibble with your lips. Try nibbling with your lips. So yeah, you can nibble with your teeth, but you can also nibble with your lips. - Don't make that face when you do it, though. - You don't have to see my face as I do that. But the thing is, the lips are softer, but you can still make them pretty firm, and that gives a different sensation. So your teeth are very sharp, but your lips can soften that area. Alright, do we-- We are kind of out of time. - Yeah? Can we give just a couple suggestions? - Yeah. - For how to start a first kiss? - I think that's a good idea. - Yeah. My personal preference is to have someone go very slow into that first kiss and give me lots and lots of space to sort of be like, no, that's not what I want, or whatever, but usually it is, and if you're getting those yes signals, I think the really slow approach, which I'm gonna do to you, if you're alright with it? - Am I supposed to be a yes or a no? - You're supposed to be a yes. - Yes. - Um, is to have like a really, really slow approach. it gives you a lot of time and space to decide whether you want to be doing that kiss, but it also builds anticipation. And the anticipation is half the fun, right? So it's just gonna make you happier when the kiss happens. So it's a win/win in both situations. - Totally. I'm a winner, in this case. For sure, definitely. That was lovely, thank you. The other thing is that, if someone, if you start kissing someone and they're a no, please pay attention, first of all. And we all make mistakes. We don't want to make those mistakes, we want to avoid making those mistakes as much as we can, but sometimes we miscommunicate. - Sure. - Sometimes we think that someone is into something but then they're not, and that's absolutely okay, please, change your mind, if you are a yes one second, and three seconds in, you're a no, yes, change your mind, you are absolutely, yes, please do that. If that happens, it might be awkward. It might feel awkward because you've just done something that the other person doesn't really want to. Plus, it has rejection in it. - Yeah. - So that's another element. - Doesn't feel good. - It doesn't feel good. And I understand that. But it's also not the end of the world. - Sure. - Oh my god, I'm sorry. Or, I thought that's where you wanted to go, I apologize. Now the next part is really important. I'm not gonna go there again. If you would like to, please approach me. - Right. - Or not even verbalize that, just act like that. - Right. - You have started something and it didn't work out, let them figure out if they are good with something, let them approach you. You wanna give them the time and the space for them to decide what they want and approach you with it. Yeah. Let's see, let's see. Yeah, I think these are pretty-- yeah, I think those are, I think we touched most. - We got through it? - Yes. One last comment, I see Elsie. "I like to kiss corners of mouth." - Yes! - "Little gentle kisses, and those corners have a nice sensitivity for sweet little kisses to start." I agree. I really like, it's, I know, it might feel a little odd, but I like kissing, getting kissed and kissing the side of the mouth. Try it out, people! You might never know. Yeah! - Yay. - Any last things? - No, that's it, I think we're good. - Alright. - Kiss with joy, people. - Yes, enjoy yourselves. Have consent. Try out different things. Play games with one another. - Yeah. - Communicate and have fun. Definitely, it's all about fun. Yes, now I remembered what I wanted to comment about Maya's comment. We keep thinking about kissing as the first step towards sex, and that is incorrect. Kissing is its own thing. You can enjoy kissing just by itself. - Mm-hm. - And learn and practice your own kinds of kisses, so you can get better and feel better with your partner. And concentrate just on the kisses, not as, ooh, kisses towards sex. Nope! Just as kisses. So that's what I wanted to comment. Thank you, Maya, for it. So, thank you also, Maya, for dropping up all those URLs, all those websites that you can find me on yonialkan.com and if you would like to cuddle and you are in the San Francisco Bay Area, you can go to sfcuddles.com. If you wanna find out more about the book, you can go to thebookofcuddles.com. If you wanna see a really cool site about learning stuff about our sexuality, you can go to elementsofsexuality.com and click on different elements and learn a little bit more. Yeah. I really-- I really enjoyed your kisses, thank you. - Thank you very much. - Yes, thank you, Elsie, for your comment. - Now for the non-PG part, we're gonna have to stop the stream. - Mm yeah, for that we're gonna stop. Thank you everyone for all your comments and your stories, thank you very much. I'm really looking forward to seeing you soon at O.school, and thanks a lot, we are gonna see you soon! And I'm gonna take her aside and kiss her a little more. We're gonna stop the stream, and give you some kisses at the end of the stream, yes! Bye, everyone!

Be a Better Kisser

Date
Mon
Sep 10, 2018
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7:04 pm
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Calendar
Monday, September 10, 2018
|
7:04 pm

Kissing is the best. And it can get even better. Join Dr. Yoni and his kissing coach partner as they talk all about smooching.