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Friday, May 18, 2018

Are you a fat babe or you love dating fat babes? How can we uphold self-confidence and fight fatphobia while also pursuing sex and love? Join this live stream for tips on dating confidence, body joy and dealing with rejection.

Video transcript

So I'm Luna Matatas and I'm a sex educator based out of Toronto, Canada. And I really love teaching things that are about the barriers that get in the way of us experiencing our most pleasurable sex lives, all the kind of things that we wanna do. And so that could be emotional like we are talking about tonight, some fat phobia, some self-esteem things, but it could also be physical, like we just don't know how to do the thing or we're afraid if we do the thing that, it's gonna be partly wrong or that we're gonna mess up or we're gonna be disrespected. And so a lot of times it's really hard for us to find that kind of sexual confidence. So for those of you on Instagram, I'm simulcastingon O.school, so if you're joining from Instagram its www.o.school. And then you can sign-in and you can actually ask me questions on O.school. For those of you joining tonight from your phone or your laptop or wherever you are, tonight's all about creating space for this conversation where we can unlearn some of the bullshit and the body shame and the messages that you're not good enough as you are, and that you don't deserve love and dating and sex and pleasure and attraction and desire. And it's really difficult to get through a lot of those pieces because they're so ingrained, they're so ingrained in everything we do, they're so ingrained in how we create and our choices around our partners. They're so ingrained on how we create our experiences with our partners, who we choose to go on dates with, how we choose to date. And so it can be really challenging to figure out like how do we unlearn helping other people also like re-socialize their standards of beauty. And so tonight we're gonna talk a lot about dating, our profiles, dealing with rejection, putting our best sexy self forward when maybe we don't feel our best sexy self, and how to deal with the fat phobia that is for unfortunately for a lot of us very prevalent in online dating. I can't tell you how many times I've like I've told someone to treat me a certain way or I've rejected someone and immediately I'm just called a fat bitch. So not just a bitch, not just an unmatched but a fat bitch. And so there is something really powerful about people using fat phobia against bodies that are not conventional or considered of conventional size. We'll also talk about how fat phobia is actually a form of obedience and dieting, and diet culture is a form of obedience and control, particularly for bodies that were female or that were socialized female. Other people who weren't socialized female, they absolutely can also experience fat phobia, but to a different, a different kind of distinction. So I'll talk about what the differences are and where the body positivity movement came from. Hey AJ, it's so good to see you. Welcome, welcome to Fat Babes Dating Hey Maya, hey welcome So I'm simulcasting today, I'm trying something different, I'm simulcasting from Instagram and I'm also teaching here on O.school. So we'll see what kinds of conversation. If you have questions and you're on Instagram, come on over to O.school and we'll talk about fat babes tonight. We're also gonna talk about how fat phobia shapes our choices around dating, and how sometimes we make decisions based on what we predict people might think of us, or what they might think of our bodies. So that can feel really isolating for us, right. So welcome, and for those of you who are For those of you who are on Instagram and you wanna join the conversation come over to O.school. AJ, oh, I'm so glad you're there with Coco. Hey Coco, and you're cooking dinner but Coco is chilling here. Oh, that's so sweet. You two sound like you're having a lovely Friday night, AJ. Yeah, that's amazing. I'm so glad that you both are tuned into this. So if you have questions about what to put on your profile, what kind of pictures you should put, I'll definitely talk about the things that I put on my profile and some of the experiences I've had with fat phobia. Everything from working on how you present yourself and do we wanna present like an angled version of ourselves or do we wanna present like a shadowed version of ourselves, where we're not showing our true magnificence. Like it's actually insulting for many people that someone who is considered fat would actually have standards and expectations for respect. And so you get fat phobia sort of translating into this self-deprecating expectation that comes from the people that we interact. So kind of like, well, you are fat, you don't have a lot of choices, so you should just be taking what you get. And to hear that over and over and over again and to experience that over and over again can really degrade and erode our abilities to feel love for our bodies and our abilities to have hope for connection and love and dating and sex and companionship with all of these people that we're encountering. So I'm just gonna do my intro again in case you missed it. So I'm Luna Matatas, and I'm based out of Toronto, Canada, I'm a sex and pleasure educator, I love teaching body positivity, body acceptance, body love. I love teaching kink, I love teaching anything around hookups, I love teaching things that are taboo or considered weird so that we can kind of bring some normalization to our sexual experiences and our sexual desires and those of our partners because we want more pleasure less shame, right. So our goal is to try and just figure out like what are the best ways to have conversations and to pursue and learn the things that we need to do to get the wisdom to have the kind of pleasure that we want. So welcome to everyone that's tuned-in. I'm gonna chat a little bit about my experiences with fat phobia and give you some definition. So when we talk about fat phobia and body positivity, body positivity actually come out of second-wave feminism in the 60s, and it was actually a movement to try and get more inclusion for bodies that were considered bigger or outside of what was considered normal size. And those definitions of what's normal and bigger vary from time to time, but also from geographic location to geographic location. So what's bigger in the US might be different than what's bigger in China or what's bigger in India. So we know that there are a lot of like cultural and societal influences and factors that contribute and shape fat phobia specific to the environment and context where it's being most used in. And so the main thing to really take away from tonight is that this is not your fault. It is absolutely not your fault that you feel bad about your body, you feel that you're not good enough that you feel shame about the size or the jiggle or the thickness or the juiciness of your body, it is not your fault. We were taught this, it was conditioned learning of having shame for our bodies. And we're seeing it younger and younger and younger, we're seeing eight-year-olds on diets, 80% of diets now we're seeing are actually geared towards younger people. So we're seeing body image issues and also dieting and diet culture really penetrating our younger generation. And so we're gonna need to do a lot of holding space for people as they age because this stuff is lifelong work once it's implanted. And the good news is, is that I'm gonna give you some tips. I'm gonna give you things that worked for me and things that worked for other people around how do we unlearn the shame, how do we relearn a positive and a different relationship to our bodies. Hey Macky, oh welcome, I'm so glad that you could make it. Ah, thanks Macky, I'm so glad. I went to a Korean spa today and it's like a sauna place in Toronto, and it was so amazing. So I feel all like glowy and like sort of like mermaiday, so I went with mermaidi kind of hair for you all tonight. I'm also teaching in person right after the live stream, so I'm gonna do a quick change and then head over to a bar where I'm teaching strap-on play, but tonight you get me for fat babe stuff, and you get me to help you with shaping your relationship to dating, even though you may still carry some of the shame. SoI was chatting a little bit about like fat phobia came from. And sometimes when I teach body positivity in person, I often get challenged by people in the room who are thinner bodied, so let's say they're considered average size or small or petite. And they also deal with kind of like they, they deal with this aspect of body shame as well. And so you can be thin and also hate your body. You can be older and thin and hate your body, or younger and thin and hate your body, but the difference is, is that the thin person's shame around their body isn't confirmed when they go out into the real world. So you may think it in your head and it's still incredibly painful and incredibly disempowering, but a fat person goes outside into the world can't find clothes in their size, can't find fashionable clothing in their size, is gonna be called fat, is gonna deal with the aggression that comes from fat phobia. People are not only sort of disgusted or offended, but they're actually aggressive. They see it as a rebellion of a body and that you're not conforming to the type of ideal beauty that is usually serving male desire. So fat phobia has consequences that aren't the same as the consequences for people who are also struggling with body image issues. And people struggle with body image issues for so many different reasons. You may struggle with it because you have a disability, you may struggle with it because of your skin color, you may struggle with it because of your hair texture, you may struggle with it because of the shape of your nose or the shape of your eyes or your teeth or so many different things. And so we're only focusing on one aspect of body negativity and body shame tonight, which is being fat, but we're also taking into considerations that there are systemic forces at play. So society teaches us what an acceptable and a beautiful body looks like, right. So what are the things that shape a beautiful body? We know that beautiful bodies are thinner, beautiful bodies are younger, beautiful bodies are usually white or lighter skinned, beautiful bodies particularly for people who were socialized female or for women are very petite and small. And so for someone like myself who is a broader person as well as a bulkier person or a thicker person, the fact that I'm tall and five seven, and that I'm like, you've got a little bit of muscle with my jiggle is also offensive. It's also a part of me taking up too much space in my body. Oh, hey Mark, welcome, welcome to the chat. So I'm just getting on a role about like where did fat phobia come from, how did we learn fat phobia, what's the context of fat phobia because all of that is sort of understanding that fat phobia is not something that you were born with, fat phobia is not natural. The problem is not your fat body, it's the way that society sees your fat body. And so that can feel incredibly painful to try and navigate dating with because you're constantly confronted with the idea that if you had a smaller body that if you lost weight that you'd find love or sex or companionship. So tell me if you think that's true because it is a motivator for so many of us at a subconscious level and at a conscious level but there are very few people that will tell you that because they've lost that last 10 pounds where they hit their ideal weight that all of a sudden they found the kind of intimacy and sex and pleasure and the job and the friends that they wanted. So it's a false measure of our success and our worthiness. You are absolutely worthy as you are right now. And that doesn't mean that if you want to change your body, if you want a six-pack, if you want to die your hair, you wanna do whatever, that's okay because if you do those things from a place of desire or empowerment or I just wanna change this because I wanna run a marathon or I wanna do these thing. It's very different than wanting to lose weight because you think it will make you more attractive because you think it will make you happier because you think it will make you have more self-worth. And so I can tell you that there is definitely, there is definitely, I don't wanna call it a struggle, but there's a tension, there's a tension between what we know logically and what we've been conditioned to experience. And so the learning of fat shaming and fat phobia also needs to be unlearned. And there's a particular nuance to when we try to unlearn it. So tell me if you've heard about fitspo. So fitspo and health and I'm looking for someone fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle, that's all, I'm looking for a skinny person. So when you see that written on a profile or a dating profile I automatically think you're fat phobic. You're trying to say in what you think is a politically correct acceptable way that you don't want your potential partner to be fat. And so the health industry has sort of jumped on the fat phobia and reframed it, so that now fat phobia is not as acceptable in its purest or rawest form, but it's acceptable when you couch it in the terms of fitness or in health. And so by looking at me right now tell me if you know what my cholesterol levels are. Tell me if you know even what my weight is. Do you know what my fitness levels are? Do you know what my body mass is? Do you know what my body fat is? And these are all indicators that we know are scientific, but they actually don't tell us a lot about a person's health particularly if you're just looking at someone, but yet we use them, right. We use them all the time to make determinations about what is a good body and what is a not good body. And so what do you do? What do you do if you come across that stuff in people's profiles? What do you do if you feel that because that's on people's profiles that you need to present yourself in like an angle or like the skinny angle which is like looking down with the camera rather than like looking right at you or like don't want your chin showing or something, right. These are all part of you, they're all what makes you up. So there's definitely a piece where you you could have to detangle from that. And I'm gonna give you tips on how you retrain your mind because I agree with you, Mark, like beauty standards stink, but they weigh heavily in a lot of people's heads. You're not alone in that, the skinny underage looking white girls are are what we have contorted are our ideas of beauty as the most ideal form of beauty. And that doesn't mean that they're not beautiful, but when we set a standard of only one type of beauty, how ignorantis that because even if you look like what Mark calls a skinny underage looking white girl. You're not gonna look like that forever. And if we're saying that it's connected to love and sex and companionship and trust and intimacy and worthiness, what a flaky thing to hang your hat on. The reality is though we are constantly dating in these kinds of conditions of fat phobia. So I'm also gonna tell you about a data I had recently because we'll talk about the fetishization of fat bodies. And that can also feel gross and it can also feel empowering. Hi Pecos, Macky says, I think it all starts within the family and closer circles, I've talked to lots of fat babes online and realized that the main reason that they, that's the main reason that they hate their body is mainly because of their families to make them feel less of themselves for being fat. And Mark agrees. Yeah, I'm so sorry, Mark, because I actually, I've had the same experience, so I can remember since I was like, I don't, I probably like as young as like nine, my belly has just been the center of attention. It's like I walk into a room and it's all like, oh, you have such a pretty face, if you just lost that belly you'd be beautiful. And so my whole life and I'm 38, and so my whole life all I thought about is if I had flat stomach I wouldn't have gotten divorced, I'd have more moneylike, and we know these things are ridiculous, but they hurt because they penetrate our sense of self and worthiness. It makes me feel unworthy to have a tummy. And so think about the parts of your body that people have commented on, think about the parts of your bodies that people have made a point of to make you feel less than beautiful or to make you feel like not enough, to make you feel that you have to change in order to be seen as beautiful. What are some of the other popular parts? I know tummies are a big one because even when we start to see body positivity, we see what we call like thick models, they have big hips and big breasts, but they don't have tummies, they don't have flabby tummies, they don't have flabby arms, they don't have double chin. So we don't see a lot of the things that still being curated as a particular type of fat that is acceptable. Macky says, I think O.school is here to help you get over that and feel more loving of your body. Yeah, absolutely, Mark. We're in this together because I'm still in it. So I still have fat phobia, I could hate my body on Tuesday, and now I have sort of things that helped me like turn the ship. I'm like away from fat phobia, and those tools are things that not only help you cope, but they actually build you some resilience. So give me some snaps if you would like to have less fucks to give because part of relearning to see our bodies in a different and a more beautiful way is really detangling from the expectation that we didn't consent to. I never consented to this standard of beauty that my body will never ever meet. The standard of beauty that not only prioritizes smaller people but younger people, people with blonde hair, people who are lighter skinned and really white beauty. So I wouldn't contort to it even if I was skinny. So we've got to figure out. And one of the things that really helped me was also looking at how to re-socialize my standards of beauty. So tell me if there is things that you find attractive in other people that are attached to conventional standards of beauty. So what we consider conventionally attractive is usually what we see in magazines, in movies and TV shows. So think about it, think about the people that you're attracted to, and think about when you have a preference for, you're like, I like tall guys, or I like blonde girls. So think aboutlike what are those things. And I'll tell you one of mine that I had to re, I had to unlearn the fat phobia that I was actually communicating through my own desire for partners and in terms of what their attractiveness was that I was seeking. So Mark says butt and thighs, yeah. So I asked what type of, what places you may be holding some of your fat phobia and things that you really struggle to work on, and that maybe your family or other sources of influences through your life have made it a point to tell you those are the areas where you could be more beautiful if you just fix them. So, Mark, I'm sure that you are juicy. I don't even need to see your butt and thighs to know that there have been so many times in your life where people have just not appreciated your juiciness. And it's really hard to turn the fat phobia around and not internalize it. So most of us don't even need other people to tell us that we're fat and we're unattractive, we're doing it ourselves. And so think about the way that you used to or the way that maybe you currently dress, the way that that you tug at clothing. So I often see people with tummies because I notice it, so they'll do the, they're kind of like pull their clothing out from their roles because they get stuck in their rows when you have rows, right, just like food falls down in my shirt because I have big boobs And we can see kind of the behaviors that I also spend a lot of time trying to hide my breasts and so I would have my shoulders like this instead of having a posture that makes me bigger that makes me fuller, that makes me take up more space. So let's talk a little bit about the re-socialization of our beauty standards for the people that we are attracted to. Hannah says, on top of my weight, people continuously comment on my body hair that even if I can't lose weight, I should try to at least shave. Yeah, so that happens, that's bullshit Hannah. Like I'm gonna call bullshit on those people because this is again where fat phobia really is connected to the control of bodies, it's connected to, and I hesitate to only speak very generally. It is very much tied to the control of feminized fem or female bodies. And the idea that body hair is acceptable on masculine presenting people and it's not acceptable on fem presenting people is a huge double standard. And so it's all about the contortions to beauty standards that we didn't consent to. We didn't consent to having no body hair and spending a shit ton of money and a lot of pain getting it ripped out of all of our parts. And so what can happen is that because if you are overweight, people feel that it's okay that it's okay to tell you, hey, you need to do this other thing because I don't know if you noticed but you're fat. So that's your problem, so you need to make-up for it. Other ways that people ask us to compensate are the double standards around clothing. So a lot of times people who are overweight we can't really get away with just throwing on sweats and walking outside because we'll looks sloppy or I've been called piggish or lazy or sluggish and whereas someone who has a thinner, more societal accepted, society accepts their body,they're gonna be like, oh, like they just rolled out, and look how cute and casual they look. So there are tons of double standards. Hannah, thanks for bringing that up. Cui says, thank you for mentioning how fat models have flat tummies. Yeah, it's a big thing. And one of the things I recommend is also curating your social media. So really thinking about what are the things that you're looking at. So if you're looking a lot at the hashtag, the fitspo or the before and afters, all of that stuff just sort of like feeds into our, internalize fat phobia and keeps us in a mindset thinking that we're not good enough and we need to attain a level of beauty and standards that aren't exactly as we are. Snaps all day, snap, snap, snaps. I hate body hair shaming too, Mark. I think it's stupid, I have armpit hair right now and I'm wearing a sundress. AJ says, AJ here again, I realized that my sense of attraction is heavily affected by the person I'm attracted to. Yeah, absolutely AJ. Do you wanna tell me a little bit more about that? Like I think that's a really great point that our attraction is affected by the actual person. So, and a lot of need to be inspired by chemistry, but the problem is, is that a lot of our dating apps are photo-based. And so you're just looking at Bumble or Tinder, OkCupid, OkCupid has more of a profile, but really, I mean, people are using like the swipe photo thing. And so it becomes really difficult to, it becomes difficult to not focus on our physical. And when I talk about looking at our beauty standards in a different way, so I realized on Tinder, I was very much swiping on people that I thought were tall. So I was like, I just want to go out with people that are taller than me and I'm already five seven. So I'm pretty tall, and I was like, I don't wanna be the taller one. And I realized that for me that was about fat phobia. It was internalized fat phobia, I wanted to be the smaller one if I was gonna go out with someone because I thought that would make me feel more confident, more attractive, like that I was more worthy of being with this person, that I have like a more acceptable body to this person because they're not gonna be intimidated by my size, so I was cutting out skinny people, I was cutting out people that were bigger than me as well because I didn't want to be like, oh, two fat people are walking down the street. So we also internalize a lot of what is fed at us as a protection. We're trying not to get more attention, we're trying not to stand out. Lots of people who have bigger bodies will wear baggy clothing. I used to just get dressed to not be naked. And now, now look at me I'm like in polka dots and color, I own one black dress, black with something even in terms of like size and availability, a lot of plus size clothing was only available in black. It was very dowdy and maternal, and so we didn't really have even the options even if wanted to be fashionable or if wanted to have bikinis, like fat, or plus size bikinis only really came about in the last maybe five years or so over a size like 16 or 14 or something like that. So I'm on size 18 and I recently got, it was like maybe last year, I bought my first fatkini, and it was very empowering to have my belly out to really have my belly exposed to sunshine. My belly had never seen the light So think about what kind of beauty standards you're internalizing for the people that you're attracted to because once you start unlearning them in a outward facing way, you also have more empathy for yourself when you're experiencing fat phobia or when someone rejects you because of fat phobia. Okay, Macky says, I'm in Egypt, and here it's much more worse than the US, for sure, but thanks to the Internet that lots of young girls here are feeling more confident now when they see plus size models on Instagram. So definitely the idea that we have more visibility of fat bodies through things like Instagram. Right, because anyone can have an Instagram, anyone can be a plus size model, anyone can do that. And it doesn't mean that Instagram is a supportive platform. I mean lots of plus size models and plus size BoPo activists, body positivity activists get their account shut down if they show more revealing photos, even though the same bikini photo would be okay for a person that was considered straight sized or average sized. Yeah, I've pretty boobs, eyes, athletic thighs, toned arms, I'm also attracted to fat women, I don't know why I can't accept my body. Okay, so this is interesting, Mark. I'm glad that you shared some of the things that you're interested to. And I don't think it'sany surprise. You can't accept your lovely body. I think that fat phobia is one of the most pervasive things that that happens around discrimination that's acceptable. And so it's okay to have someone yell at you like lose weight or get out of the way, fat bitch, or you're taking up too much space or you're or even the institutionalized fat phobia around airlines requiring plus size people to buy two seats. And then the insidious fat phobia that happens in dating, and so we talked a little bit about, just a little bit earlier about how on profiles we'll start to see dating profiles that have words like fit orthat we want people who are healthy lifestyle or active lifestyle. And when we look at the fitness industry, the fitness industry has told us that fat bodies are incapable of fitness, which is not true, it's absolutely not true. And we're starting to see with Nike releasing their plus sized line, and using more plus sized models, still no bellies butwe're seeing at least athletic clothing available in bigger sizes from these athletic brands. AJ says like the more I date Coco, the more I really like how she's soft and also very strong. Wow, that's amazing AJ. Coco, I'm sure you're sexy as fuck. That's so awesome. And that's actually a really good point because I didn't want to date fat people because I was like, I don't wanna be two fatties like dating each other. And I realized that there was a real hindrance for me, like I was missing out on some amazing people because I was doing the same thing that was done to me but in a protective fashion, right. I wanted to protect myself from even more fat phobia. And we don't hear about the things that AJ just shared, like fat bodies feel really good, like they are juicy, they are delicious, they are soft, they are strong, they are sexy. So all of these words we never hear attached to fat bodies. So it's no surprise, Mark, that you are experiencing body shame that has been learned over many years. In the last, maybe in ten minutes or so, I'm gonna talk about some body love and body acceptance, exercises and rituals that can help you just be more mindful around how fat phobia affects you because a lot of times we don't connect it to fat phobia, we connect it to just our center of worthiness and how we're actually turning up in the world. All right, okay, you're sharing stuff. Great, keep sharing things That's fantastic, all right. So we're gonna talk a little bit about how fat phobia affects our profiles. So when we're putting out our dating profiles, a lot of times we are trying to present ourself in the most attractive, the most like exciting, the sexiest way. and so anything that we think is not sexy, so if it's our fat body or if it's our discoloration on our skin, or like I have a stretch marks on my arms, you may try and hide those things in an effort to contort to a more acceptable form of beauty. And I think that it's okay, if you're doing that. If you need to take a selfie at this angle because that makes you feel sexy, do it. It is your opportunity to feel sexy. I highly recommend taking sexy selfies just for yourself or if you have a best friend you can send them to because the retraining of our eyes to see our body in a sexy way is practice, it just takes practice. And that includes looking in the mirror, it includes sitting with the discomfort of noticing our jiggly butt or jiggly thighs or our big tummies, our double chins. It takes practice to unlearn the vision of beauty that we have been taught that is rooted in shame for our bodies. The diet industry is billions and billions and billions and billions of dollar industry, and so there is absolutely motivation to keep us busy feeling not good enough, to sell us things that would make us good enough. So I'm wearing makeup, I'm wearing deodorant I'm not wearing Spanx because I can't breathe in Spanx and I just end up sweating like a sausage. So there's a lot of money to be made out of you feeling like you are not good enough. And what happens is that we may understand this at a logical level but when we go on Tinder or when we go on OkCupid, we're confronted with not being attractive because people are basically swiping left or right and they're swiping from ideal beauty standards. And so what happens is, well, there was research on Tinder that showed that, okay, do you wanna guess what the biggest year for women on Tinder was when they were going on a date. I'll give you a chance to, to answer. And guess what the biggest fear for men was. So there were two sets of fears. And his research was really telltale about how we perceive our dates and what we're trying to get out of date. And a lot of times the socialization of beauty and our beauty standards is really connected to status. And so we want to date people to get the power of acceptable beauty and celebrated beauty. So we don't want a fat girl on our arms because it's gonna be like, well, why are you dating a fat girl? Like why wouldn't you date a skinny girl? Like she is so unhealthy and disgusting. Those words hurt, they cut. And so if you feel like you want to put up a photo that shows you in good lighting and shows you like your unicorn hair or something or whatever it is, do that, that's okay. I did that for the longest time, I never showed like even body photos. And then eventually I was like, I kind of got to the point where I ran out of fucks to give. And I thought I wanna have sex, so they're gonna see this body eventually. And I actually recently, about maybe six months ago I put up one of my photos from when I first wore my fatkini, my plus size bikini in Cuba, and it shows like my belly, and I'm like happy as fuck, right. I took a selfie and like my rows are out and my arm is up and my chin is kind of showing. And it was actually the most empowering thing I did because I don't want to date people that don't adore and worship and celebrate my body now. I did before, I thought it was okay before, I thought that that's what I could get. A lot of people who are fat feel like we just need to take whatever chance that we get, and we're told that, we're told that. If I reject someone on Tinder, they are quick to tell me that, oh, well, you're fat and 38, so what you're still doing on Tinder, you fat bitch. And they're very aggressive. And a lot of times coming from gendered heterosexual men. I don't experience the same thing when I date women. It's not the same level of fat phobia that as when I, like random fat phobia, like unmatch me, dude. like, what do you need to call me a fat bitch for? Like just go on your way. And it actually used to really hurt me that made me feel like shit, like I thought I was a person, and actually I was just a pound of flesh for you and too many pounds apparently. SoMark is guessing for, I asked, there was a Tinder study that came out that was talking about what the biggest fears are for men when they go on the date and what the biggest fears are for women? And so women, yeah, you're right, Mark, women fear that they're gonna be hurt, assaulted, axe murdered, those kinds of things. Men are worried their dates gonna be fat. Yeah, a study of 8000 Tinder users, and overwhelmingly men were worried their date would be fat. Look at the difference, look at the difference of standards that we are upheld to. This doesn't mean that men don't deal with body shame issues or also with fat shaming. However, we have way more culturally acceptable and way more cultural expressions of men that are considered not as conventionally attractive, but still finding love and power and companionship. So think about any romantic comedy that has like Seth Rogen and or like any of those like chubby bearded dudes, they still get the really hot girl. They're still able to get that hot girl. And the way that we see fat female bodies in movies and society is either as sidekicks or the best friend or the companion. Other than like Hairspray like there really isn't a lot of movies where we see like a strong female fat character where it's not really about her being fat. So that's pretty, it's pretty stark to hear that that kind of fat phobia exists when we're trying to hook-up or trying to find love or trying to get dates. Thank you, Maya, thanks for reminding everyone that we work for tips on O.school, so if you like what you're hearing tonight, if you want to support a fat babe, please use the tip jar, your generosity is so appreciated. For the last half hour I'm gonna talk a little bit about, I will talk a little bit about practices and rituals for dealing with fat phobia, but going also back to how do you challenge it like while you're on Tinder or while you're on OkCupid. So Mark says I'm 44, I get on Tinder if I want to Yes, Mark, yes, they want fat women, all the same. Okay, so this is a really good point. So lots of people with fat bodies have experienced this where someone wants to have sex with them or wants to date them in secret, but they don't actually want to have them on their arm or see them out in public. And so this is about my point where we use women's beauty as status, as an accessory. We've heard the term trophy wives, trophy wives are, it's actually a continuum. So you have like women who are in arrangements, or like some sort of financial, bartering for intimacy or different kinds of things, but you also have the average person who is trying to date someone that they think other people are going to find attractive, and that they want to show their friends that they're able to get this level of attractiveness. And so, yeah, you definitely, there are people who have like specific desires for BBW or thick or fuller figured or plus size, whatever you want to call it women, but they also don't have the courage and to unlearn the shame that they have learned around finding fat women unattractive. And so they may find them attractive but they are hesitant to act on that desire. So there is absolutely things that you can do with your, your dating practices and the way that you approach dating to feel more confident, but also to deal with the difficulty of fat phobia because it can be very disheartening, disempowering, it can make you feel like no one likes you, or wants to fuck you or that you're never gonna get the kinds of people that you want. So be mindful, be mindful if when you're dating and when you're online, if you're compromising because you think that no one is gonna be attracted to you. So there was a point when I was dating that I would not swipe on people that were like personal trainers or had really fit bodies or looked conventionally attractive because I was like A, they're gonna wanna fetishize my body and fuck me behind closed doors, but not really actually appreciate my beauty. Or B, they weren't gonna be attracted to me because their body was different than mine. And so I actually did a little experiment with myself. So I swiped on people that I would normally have not swiped on, so both like highly attractive people but also people that I thought maybe looked short or that were also bigger than me, or different things that I was kind of holding in my head around beauty standards, and it was very empowering. I mean, I still met a lot of assholes, but I felt very liberated that I was ejecting myself from the same kind of pursuit of conventional attractiveness that was hurtful to me. So I was stopping the internalization of fat phobia. A lot of times we can't control the external fat phobia, but we can control how it actually lands with us and changes the way that we pursue sex and dating and love. Another kind of piece of when we're dating in the ways that we contort and we try to tame our bodies. So we will put up pictures that are deceptive or we may tolerate behavior that isn't ideal because we think that this is our only shot like having sex. They think that this is the only person that's gonna look past our beauty. You need someone who can love up all of that lusciousness. You need someone who can adore and really respect that you are also more than a body that your beauty is only one part of your package. To hang your hat on beauty and attractiveness in a thin body or a white body or a perfect body as the only like path to finding love and acceptance and companionship is actually pretty fragile because our body is shamed, right, like time doesn't stand still. My boobs are, I'm gonna be able to tuck them in my pants someday, like you're skin is gonna go, your hair is gonna go, like it's such a fleeting thing to attach self-worth to. And so the work that you're doing now, and, Mark, you're right, it's difficult, it's not easy to do this work. It actually conditions your self-esteem in different ways even though it's only about your body. It actually permeates some of our other fuels of self-esteem. It pushes through into us feeling more confident in other ways and accepting less bullshit in other aspects of our life, not just dating. So Mark says, fat that was. Hi Kelly, Mark, that's true. AJ says, AJ again, Coco has this shirt that has a fat shark on it that says I'm fat. I love that, Coco, I want that shirt. That's amazing. AJ says, she has mentioned that it makes people so uncomfortable, weird looks mostly. Yeah, I get the same thing. I have a, thick thighs save lives, sure. And I have a shirt that just says, thick. And even the language that we use makes people really uncomfortable. So fat is only a word I actually started using to describe myself, maybe, I don't know, maybe within the last year or so. And it was actually after I went on a date with someone who asked me in the middle of the date. So, Luna, do you consider yourself like a fat fem? And like this person loves fat fems. All I heard in that moment was, shit, they noticed I'm fat. And immediately I felt like my shoulders droop, I kind of was like, I lost confidence, I was like, fuck, they noticed I'm fat, and now they're fetishizing me for being fat. And actually this person was adoring me. They were adoring my body, they were adoring my beauty, they were trying to give me space, and a place to also do that as well. And there wasn't a lot that that I could hear at that moment. I couldn't receive it, I could not, I could not embrace their adoration because I didn't see that. There was no space in me. I was so full of fat shame that I didn't have any space to receive a compliment. And that, that can be a real hindrance in dating because it means our standards are hella low. So if you're kind of just looking to go out there for someone who doesn't notice your fat, or that you think you can hide your fat in the sheaths or contort your body in lingerie or something, it's going to be less satisfying than you expecting adoration for your body. So that's sort of a level that you wanna get to, but it's not the only place where you can exist or where you have to stop. You can also circle around feeling like you're moving towards that. So take it slowly, right, like we learn, I've learned fat shame for like 30 years So I'm not gonna undo it overnight. And I'll tell you some of the things that kind of helped me with fat shaming and presenting myself in a more healthy way to experience the kind of dating that I wanted. Okay, so let's see, Mark says, it only affects my relationship with myself though. Yeah, I hear you, I hear you, Mark. What are some of the ways that it affects you in your relationship? Are you experiencing some of these like does it affect your standards for the kinds of people that you're choosing? Does it affect like what you wear when you go out on dates? Cui says, what do you think about being upfront in your profile about being fat possibly in a humorous way? Cui, I understand if people don't. That's a good question. I understand when people don't do it, they ignore sort of fat, or they don't wanna make it a feature, that's okay because for a lot of us, we didn't ask to be we didn't ask to have our fat as like life work that we needed to do. And so people wanna sort of bring out other aspects of themselves. For me I put on it, fat babe goddess entrepreneur. And because I'm like, let's not, let's notthe shit here, like I'm fat Do you have a problem with fat people? You're gonna have a problem, and so it's being sort of really clear about what your goals are as well. Like I wanna have sex, I wanna have casual sex. And so I don't wanna beat around the bush, like I'm very confident with my body in a sexual way, but I'm not as confident when I'm pursuing it. And so for a lot of us that can be a binary that's difficult for us to escape. Oh, thanks AJ, okay, I'm gonna, I have to copy that because I'm not gonna see it. Okay, I got it, I got it. Yeah, thank you, thank you for that. Oh, and thank you for whoever tipped, I welcome your generosity, thank you so much, I really appreciate it, I'm having such a good time with you tonight. We're gonna do a Fat Babe Friday as the regular thing because I think this is really important for us to have a space, to talk about how we build confidence, how we date in a healthy way, how we reorganize our standards of beauty. So we have 15 minutes left, so if you have other questions, please feel free to drop them in the chat. For those of you who are in Instagram, if you want to come over and ask questions on O.school, please do, you're welcome to, you've got 15 minutes left to chat with me. So I promised that I'd talk about some of the rituals that I found really helped me. So I've been fat forever, I'm not someone who just got fat And we spend a lot of time, I've spent most of my life trying to be smaller. So working out or periods of dieting or periods of hiding myself, I never wore color, I never wore makeup, I didn't wear my hair down. Part of fat phobia is the belief that you can't be feminine and fat because it's sort of an insult It's like what are you trying to do, who you're trying to show, like that's for like skinny girls. And so it really affected a lot of my clothing choices. I pretty much wore a Spiderman t-shirt and cargo pants and my hair in a ponytail with basically unibrow for all of university And that doesn't mean that that that's unattractive, but what it means is that I didn't want anyone to look at me. I didn't want anyone to notice me for fear that I would experience some fat phobia from them. So when I got married, one of the things my ex-husband had done for me was to tell me, he's like, you have to dress the body you have. And it was such a simple practical thing. I was like, yeah, shit, like I wasn't wearing anything fitted, I wasn't wearing anything for my curves. I didn't own a dress. Now the closest thing I own to dresses or to pants is leggings. And so like clothing was one way that I was able to readjust the way that I was presenting myself. And that doesn't have to be your path, but to think about something, something that that you feel, you actually like about yourself. So we are taught to see ourselves as cuts of meat. So women will look in the mirror and notice your thighs or your butt or your hips or your arm or your acne or like whatever. We're never taught to see ourselves as like a whole beautiful juicy person. So looking in the mirror and finding something that you do like about yourself. It can be really hard to accept compliments from others, and so where you can start is actually accepting a compliment from the vision of yourself that you see in the mirror. One thing that helped me is if you can't find anything that you like about yourself, whether it's your eyebrows or your arms or your shoulders or your skin tone or whatever it is, if you can't find anything, look in the mirror and find all the wrong things. Look in the mirror and be like, I don't like my tummy, I don't like my thighs. Do it for like 10 seconds, and then immediately you spend the next 10 seconds looking in the mirror and giving compliments to the areas of yourself that, maybe the same area, I could hate my tummy but I like that I'm juicy. I might not like that I have stretch marks, but I like my skin tone. So the idea that we are telling a narrative that is informed by fat phobia. You are telling a story that the punch line is fat phobia. So we need to tell a different story. You need to look in the mirror and be able to see something that's different. And that's not by changing the vision in the mirror. It's changing the version of the story that you're telling about the person in the mirror. That's not easy, it's not easy to tell a different story, but you can start by just seeing what the contrast is. Your body in those 10 seconds of hate and the 10 seconds of acceptance that when you're looking in the mirror is not gonna change. It's only been 10 seconds, but the way that you feel, the weightiness of hating your body, of pointing out all the negative things about your body compared to looking at and accepting or even if you can get to a celebration of a part of your body or your whole body can give you the experience of what it's like to feel free from fat phobia. Another thing that you can do, so that's mirror work. That's usually called mirror work. If you Google it, you'll find other different exercises or rituals that might be helpful for you. Another thing that you can do is really curate your media, stop following fitspos, stop following hashtags that are about body positivity that's connected to health. So health is often used as a fat shaming tool to say, someone I've had lots of people, every time I advertise a fat babe stream, I get DMs or comments that are like, oh, fat is not healthy, you're promoting unhealth. And I was like, do you know my stats, like did you see my blood work like And skinny people also are unhealthy, like our help is not connected to the size of our bodies. And so really curate your media, follow a plus size fashion bloggers, follow inspirational body positivity, people that have divorced their weight on the scale from their self-worth. So one of my favorite, I just got this book, I haven't read it, but I'm following her forever. So this is Megan, she is bodyposipanda on Instagram. Look at her, she is gorgeous. And she says at the back, if you're tired of being at war with your body, then this book is the life-changing answer you've been looking for. I actually am really excited to read it because her Instagram is amazing. It's so inspiring, it's so beautiful, and it really calls out the diet and the fashion industry on these unattainable standards that we hold women to, and the falsities that we see in photoshopped photos or that we think that's a sign of health. She was actually living an anorexic life and was very ill, and but yet people were celebrating her anorexic body as a better body. And so she actually gives you a lot of like really practical tools for how to navigate that phobia, how to navigate body shame and body acceptance. So you don't have to aim for body love, but aiming for disconnecting the size of your body from the size of your self-worth is absolutely a worthy goal. And it actually comes quicker than you think. It won't completely eradicate your, that little wound, that little nut that was planted, or that seed that was planted many ages ago from your family or from someone telling you something that was connected to you being skinnier. So there absolutely isn't, there isn't a magic formula. It's kind of changing the way that we see ourselves through a different lens that isn't connected to fat phobia. And that will give you more confidence to choose the type of partners that you wanna choose when you're dating. It will give you confidence to write a profile that actually reflects who you are and not just the size of your body. Another thing that you can do is I mentioned taking sexy selfies, but also find a ritual that kinda helps you, excuse me, gain confidence. So before I go on a date, before I have sex, I get dressed up and I dance in front of the mirror because our bodies move, our bodies are strong, they're glorious, they're beautiful in ways that are not just connected to the appearance. And so for me, I'm like kind of like move that like sex energy as I'm like dancing around, so like the Weekend on Repeat or something And really kind of trying to experience what it would be like in and I close my eyes. I just close my eyes and I dance around, and eventually I can start to look in the mirror and kind of smile at myself. You've got to be a big fan for yourself. And that's work that's very difficult as well. It's work that isn't always supported by people because you'll have friends that will tell you, if you lost weight maybe you'd like get a better date or your parents are gonna say, when are you gonna drop those pounds? And so we're gonna have all of the influences. So all of these things are creating like this, this halo around you, right, this impenetrable acceptance for the body that you have right now. Mark says, no, I like and choose people regardless of their size, fat phobia make me feel self-conscious and paralyzed when being intimate with someone important to me. Yeah, so Mark, I'm gonna do a stream on fat phobia and sexual confidence, and some of the positions and things that make us feel less than than confidence. On Sunday I'm actually gonna be doing a stream on face-sitting and I will address some of that because some sex acts we withhold from if we're in fat bodies because we think that they're gonna be unattractive or that they'd be more attractive if we were thinner. And face-sitting is definitely one of those. We think that we're big and we're gonna kill someone. I Googled it, nobody has died from face-sitting. Mark says my friend's mum posted that on Facebook, my friend is fat, I went mad at her mum and gave her a piece of my mind. Good for you, Mark. That's another thing that we can do is really stand up for other fatties and stand up for other fat babes and be really kind and welcoming to people that are still in the struggle. So I often am in spaces where people are still having diet talk, where people are still experiencing negativity around what they eat and trying to be obedient to diet culture. The people that are gonna go on a resort vacation, and so they're only eating like boiled eggs and cucumbers for like a month so they can get a bikini body. The body you have right now is a bikini body, you just need a bikini. So it's bullshit, it's absolute bullshit that we have been fed that our bodies are not good enough as is, and that we need to contort to beauty standards that we didn't sign up for. So another thing that you can do is go out and get your inspiration. So you don't need to spend a lot of money on clothing, you don't need to break the bank, but if there is something about yourself that you like that you wanna celebrate. If you want to push yourself a bit, so wearing red lips was like a thing for me that I really didn't want to as a fat person. I was like, oh, like, this is not this is not something I want to call attention to myself. Someone is gonna be like, hey, like, hey fatty with the red lips. Like I always thought that the more I stood out, the more colors that I wore, the more makeup that I wore, I was attracting more attention to myself, which put me at risk for negative attention. So you can do things like that, like maybe painting your nails, like a bold color or maybe get a pair of like earrings that you like. The fashion side of things may not be for you either, like you may also want to do something like take a dance class, you may want to do something like go swimming, you may wanna do something like go to the beach in one piece without your cover-up. So experiment, experiment and then sit with it because it may feel uncomfortable right at first. Just be mindful that that discomfort is learned, so it can be unlearned. That discomfort is not natural, that discomfort is not truth or fact, that discomfort is something we were taught to hold shame in our bodies. So I hope that there are tips and rituals that that you find that are useful and helpful for you. Those are some that have worked for me. And on other Fat Babe Fridays, we'll talk about more. Let me know if there is fat babe topics that you would like to talk about. Tomorrow night, Saturday night I'm talking about hook-up hygiene. So what do you need to do before you hook-up. And Saturday or Sunday I'm talking about face-sitting like a queen. So some sexy stuff this weekend, there is also lots of other streams coming up, I'm just gonna check out the calendar for you. So we've got, When Your Vulva Isn't Feeling Sexy, tomorrow too with Lydia. We've got, Go Fuck Yourself, with Coach Amina on Sunday. So we've got fun things for you on O.school and we hope that you join us again and keep giving us feedback on what you'd like to see, what topics you'd like to talk about. You can connect with me as well. Maya will drop my information and I'd love to see you on social media or anywhere else where you'd like to continue the conversation around being a fat babe. Thank you so much for your generous tips tonight. I so appreciate it. At O.school we love bringing you the shame-free pleasure education. Also go to the website, www.o.school and check out our homepage where there's lots of giveaways going on right now. So you can win a 3D clitoris model. There's also Afrosexology is giving away a We-Vibe. So there's tons of things that you can If you look for my profile on the website, you can also see some videos around body shame that gives some more advice on how you can kind of navigate through dealing with fat phobia. You've all been like incredibly open and wonderful and brave to talk with me about how fat phobia holds you back in your life or in your partner's life. AJ and Coco, I'm so glad that you were joining. Mark, thank you so much for being so open and so truthful about how fat phobia affects you. Macky, you're amazing. Thank you for sharing what it's like in Egypt. I hope that some of this stuff can help out your friends, get them to look at some of the videos on the website around fat phobia and body positivity as well. Cui, you asked amazing questions around practical dating things. Thank you for bringing those up, and we'll definitely do this again and get into more specifics Coco isthanks Coco. I hope you're enjoying the Fuck like a Goddess Panties, those are pretty sexy. And I also am available for private pleasure coaching, so if you have a pleasure that you wanna pursue, we can talk about it over Skype. I'm so happy to be on the journey with you, on finding more things. Check out my Etsy shop, I've got pasties so you can decorate your jiggle. We've got Peg the Patriarchy t-shirts and Fuck like a Goddess panties. I hope to see you again soon. I hope you come back for more streams on O.school, come back and chat with me. And Maya has just dropped the links for how you can give feedback for us as well. And let me know what else you would like to see on O.school. Thank you so much, thanks Mark, bye. AJ, yeah, she is brill, right Macky, you're so welcome, thank you for supporting us and thank you for always being an amazing part of O.school. You brighten all of our day, we love having you in our stream You too AJ, I follow you on Instagram now, so we're good, we're connected All right, bye everyone, have a magnificent weekend. If you're in Canada, enjoy the long weekend. I don't know if it's a long weekend in the states, but I'm off to teach strap-on play now, so if you wanna hear a bit about that, go check out my Instagram because I'll be sharing some footage from my strap-on workshop tonight. All right, bye everyone.

All About Dating

Date
Fri
May 18, 2018
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2:00 pm
|
Calendar
Friday, May 18, 2018
|
2:00 pm

Are you a fat babe or you love dating fat babes? How can we uphold self-confidence and fight fatphobia while also pursuing sex and love? Join this live stream for tips on dating confidence, body joy and dealing with rejection.

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