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5 Tips for Overcoming Shyness in Bed

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Monday, June 11, 2018

Body shy? Worried about performance? Insecure about your experience level? Sex is a skill and we’re always learning. Tune in for tips on building body confidence, finding your own version of sexy and communicating your desires.

Video transcript

So I'm Luna Matatas, and I'm a sex and pleasure educator based out of Toronto, Canada, and I really enjoy teaching things that are around helping us build more confidence and more abilities to be able to express the type of pleasure that we want to have. And so overcoming shyness is one of the ways that we can do that, last night I was teaching dirty talk, that's also one way to kind of navigate through some of the shyness or maybe lack of confidence that we might have in the bedroom once we actually make it to the bedroom. I mean shyness in dating is like a whole other thing. And for a lot of us our shyness can be rooted in just the way that we've learned to think about sex and sexuality and also the way that we've learned to think about our bodies. And so we've learned to see sexual confidence and what's sexy as only one type of combination of attributes. So one particular type of physicality is sexy. One particular type of the way that we move our bodies is sexy. One particular type of performance in the bedroom is sexy. And a lot of times we've watched so much porn that we can't really differentiate between what looks like performance and enjoying that performance in porn, but then what it looks like to develop our own sort of like patterns and drives of sexy. So part of overcoming shyness is really figuring out how we can really move into seeing ourselves a little bit differently, and seeing our partners differently with like a broader understanding of how confidence kind of operates in the bedroom. So I'm gonna give you tips for figuring out how you can overcome some of the body image issues, but also the emotional insecurity that causes us to feel shy, so that we're not good enough, that our partners don't really like us, that they're gonna have sex with us and then not like us anymore or they're gonna leave us for someone better. And so shyness can be rooted in a lot of our fears that we're just not hot enough or not good enough. So throughout the chat we'll have opportunity to hear about what you're shy about or what you're insecure about. Most of us are insecure when it comes to sexy times with other people and even with our own bodies, because we've set it up as sort of this really taboo and shameful exercise that we're not really talking about enough to come out of the shadows about it. So this is great that we get to do this tonight here on O.school, and O.school is this amazing, shame-free pleasure education platform that allows me to be here in Toronto, Canada, and be able to teach you wherever you are in the world, and we get to have a sex positive space that's kept really safe from trolls by our moderators. So every chat on O.school has a chat moderator and helps keep our space free of things that might be distracting from a really positive conversation, so thank you to our amazing moderators, our moderator tonight is Justin, so that's wonderful. I really like teaching on O.school because it gives me the ability to reach people that I wouldn't normally get to reach. I'm based out of Toronto and so sometimes I'm teaching in the States, in Canada I'll be in Halifax in July and then in London, Ontario in the fall, and I think I'm in New Orleans in August, my calendar is just starting to fill up, which is great 'cause I love teaching. I love being able to bring you the kinds of skills that help you have the kind of pleasure that you want. So we're gonna start by kind of talking about what some of the problems are that come from confidence or having not enough confidence in the bedroom or being shy in the bedroom, regardless if that's around your body, it could be around performance, maybe you're worried that you're not aroused enough, maybe you're not hard enough, maybe you're not wet enough, maybe your partner is around. Oh, are you waving? I can wave back. Maybe you're worried kind of that maybe you're not pleasing your partner, maybe your partner's gonna find someone better at sex than you. So shyness is totally connected to our confidence and our security in our sexual skills and our attractiveness, our desirability, right? Our lustfulness, it's all sort of wrapped into feeling like are we enough for this sexual experience. And some people are also driven to shyness because that's what their personality is like outside of the bedroom, so they may be a shy person in all different kinds of contexts and so there may be anxiety that's provoked by being in a social sexual situation, much like it would if you were at a party and it's added even more because you're naked! So, if you weren't at my dirty talk workshop last night, definitely sign up for my newsletter because I'll be, it's on the front page of my website, so lunamatatas.com, because I'll be sending out some summaries of some of the chats that maybe you've missed. So maybe you missed eat like a champ, maybe you missed dirty talk, maybe you missed pegging, so you'll get an opportunity to hear what tips I gave in those workshops in an upcoming newsletter, so that's exciting. Hi, Hijean! Hey Sharon Peter! Hijean and Sharon Peter, I already know where you're from, 'cause I was gonna ask you to let me know where you're chatting from, but I know where you are. I see you, I see you. All right so, we're starting to talk a little bit about how sexual confidence can affect the types of experiences that we're having and the way that we connect with our partners. And so sometimes our shyness drives us to not fully express what a good time we're having in bed, right? Because if you're shy, and let's say your shyness has to do with your body or making your body smaller is part of your reaction to your shyness, which many people do, then you're not fully really like opening up all of the potential of your physical and your sort of emotional body to receive all of the pleasure that's happening in sex. And that doesn't mean that you have to be fully kind of an expressive exhibitionist, you can still be more reserved and have really amazing sex, but the feeling behind it won't feel like you're holding back. Once you've built that confidence and learned how to sort of manage and navigate your shyness, then that won't be the driver behind the insecurity in the same way. Some of us fake orgasms because we're shy and we can't really relax into sex and we're really worried about what our bodies look like or how our bodies are performing or how we're performing, and so faking orgasms is definitely one way that some people cope with sexual underconfidence and sexual shyness in the bedroom. Hijean says, oh, if only I could make my body smaller. Oh, Hijean, you know what? We're gonna make it big, I want you to make you feel how good it feels to be big, 'cause I'm the same way, I'm a big person. I'm not only like plus-sized in terms of weight but I'm plus-sized in terms of like my broadness and the way I take up space and it doesn't always feel good for me to take up space, I'll be on transit and I'm like, damn, like half of my butt is already over on the other seat. And so there are moments where I definitely feel really uncomfortable in my body and for a lot of us, like those moments translate into our sexy sides or our sexy side becomes more constricted. And also we've been taught certain things about what sex is supposed to look like, what our bodies are supposed to look like during sex, and particularly for those of us that have been socialized female, and if you're having sex with, when you're having sex with men, you tend to want to be the smaller one. So I noticed that for me I definitely was swiping on Tender on men that I thought were really tall because of my internalized fat phobia that I wanted to be the smaller one. I didn't recognize that before. And so sometimes our shyness and the way that we're approaching sex is governed by different types of perspectives that we've learned around what is sexy and what is sexy supposed to look like. I mean, Beyonce is like the icon of like sexy, right? Like who else do we think is sexy? Tell me who we think is sexy, like what celebrities or like what kind of pop culture icons do we consider sexy? I bet some of them are the same for us, we kinda know who's like the sex symbols, you know how People Magazine does like the hottest person of the year and like who was last year's, that dude, the average looking dude that it was just like there are so many more hotter people than him. I can't even remember his name, he's so like unmemorable. Hey Mecky, welcome, welcome. So if you're just tuning, in we're talking about kind of redefining what sexy looks like in order to make space for our own versions of our sexual expression and our sexiness, which can help us kind of navigate some of that shyness or that underconfidence in the bedroom that's driven by feeling not good enough, like not sexy enough, not hot enough, not hard enough, not wet enough. And so all of this not enough is because we've been told that there's some sort of standard of enough. And really a lot of what we can improve on in the bedroom is around sort of this presence and being more present in our bodies and with our partner than being more receptive to the kinds of pleasure that you desire and not just the pleasure that's handed to you, right? So whether you're in a long-term relationship or a casual sex relationship, and sometimes the conditions for shyness and underconfidence are different, but so definitely let me know if you think that there's something that's a little bit different about being shy with a long-term partner or shy with like new partners and maybe if the drivers are a little bit different. And let me know what you think, so if you're tuned in, if you're just lurking, maybe just think about it, if you're tuned in and logged in to the chat, please drop for me in the chat what are the things that you're shy about in the bedroom. Is it body confidence, is it sexual performance, is it sexual experience? Is it something else, like do you have something on your body that you feel is unique to you? So it could also be around dysphorias or not feeling like we're in the bodies that we feel that matches our sense of gender identity. So there are so many different things that can bring kind of shyness. For a lot of us it's weight. For a lot of us it's scars. For a lot of us it could be pubic hair. I was squirt shamed, last year, and now I'm kind of shy about squirting. And so sometimes the experiences that we've had can leave an imprint on us. They impact us in a way by showing us something about us that someone has judged, and in those vulnerable moments when you get judged, you create this connection to that judgment and you start to own it as part of your identity. And so how we can kind of, I'm gonna give you five tips for letting go some of that stuff and being able to move past it and create new imprints, new imprints that are about your sexiness, that are about your hot self, right? So let me know in the chat what you feel shy or insecure about during sex, and then we'll talk through some of the things and we can also bond over the fact that maybe a lot of us are shy about the same things, which is something that we forget. When we're shy in the bedroom, we forget that the other person is also bringing areas of like insecurity or things that maybe don't feel as confident for them. So having empathy around ourselves and our own issues that we're bringing into the bedroom that aren't a quick fix is one way for us to also extend empathy and compassion to someone else who might be struggling with confidence issues as well, and they may be better at hiding it than us and maybe we don't know, but no one's really 100% confident in the bedroom, so we all have something that we feel a little bit off about or insecure about. So I'll tell you about my squirt shaming and how it affected me. So I was with a casual partner, I think we met on Tinder, and he came over and we were hanging out and like the making out was great and so I was so turned on, 'cause I get really turned on by sensuality and affection and touch. And I had, I was like, I was ready to blow by the time we started to actually take off clothes. And so this person was like kissing me and fingering me, which is like my go-to, I'm like yeah, that's gonna make me blow, that's my special combination. And so I squirted and they like pulled their hand away like mid squirt so which also kinda killed part of my orgasm which I was also hella pissed about. But then afterwards just was kind of lying there awkwardly and I saw that something had changed, and so I kind of checked in and I said, you know, are you all right, have you never been with someone who's squirted before, and he was like, no, but that was kind of a lot. And I was like, okay, I'm like, this is just what my body does though, like I can't really control it, and he's like, yeah, I know, but it's just kind of a lot. And I was like all right, like I don't know what we're doing here, if we're trying to like measure it and like if it was two milliliters less then it would've been all right, I don't know. So then I said, well, does this mean you're kind of turned off, are you done? 'Cause I'd love you to go down on me, like I can still come more. And he was like, well, I would've gone down on you, but now that you're kind of like, you're all messy from the squirt I don't really want to, so maybe you can go down on me. And I was like, oh, I'm like, your pants are over, you should probably get dressed. and even though I managed to kind of like have some dignity in my kicking him out, I still feel now very ashamed of my squirt. So every time I'm with someone, before we get to the point where it might happen, I now preface, I now kind of give like a warning, you know, I'm like hey, I don't do jazz hands when I give a warning, but I'll say hey, just so you know I'm a squirter and it's quite a lot, so if you're not comfortable with sort of wetter sex then maybe I'm not the person for you. And I shouldn't have to do that, and I think I'm just being mindful of when I do it and mindful of what is happening for me and if there are things that you need to put into practice that help you overcome some of the experiences that you've had before that have left these judgments inside of you, right, like they've sort of, they're like, you know those things, those burrow things that are in the bush and they like stick to your clothing and you're trying to get them off but then they stick to your hand? So it's kinda like that, it really affects us in a way that is subconscious and it kinda leaves that shame with us until we do something to acknowledge it and either deal with it or move it out of the way. So, Cara, hey Cara. Cara says, definitely experience but also body shyness, I have a coworker who keeps offering to wax my arms and now I'm super uncomfortable with my body hair. For fuck's sake, coworker! You know, Cara, I'm so sorry that that's happening to you and that's definitely happened to me too with people offering me the latest diet that they're on that's only eating like basic kale and drinking lemon water, and I'm like, what part of me said that I wanted any of that other than you looked me and thought my body wasn't perfect as is and felt the right to actually tell me something about it? So Cara, I totally get that, I totally get like hair is a really big thing. I have pubes, I also have underarm hair. Sometimes I wax my legs, sometimes I don't. I like waxing my butt crack for some reason, but I do it for me, I'm just like this is great. And if you decide to wax your arms, that's okay too, if you decide to wax your legs or to have like a Brazilian, that's all right too as long as it's not coming from a place of I am not going to get sex or desire or attraction or adoration or respect unless I do this thing. So the motivators behind whatever you want to change about yourself should come from a place of like I want to fucking do this thing. and then you're doing it maybe for you. Some things that we change or some things that we do, for example, like, excuse me, for example I put on makeup, and I think makeup's fine and I like playing with makeup, and so if I'm not wearing makeup I don't necessarily feel like I'm not as pretty or that I'm not as great. Whereas for some people, makeup really is a mask and makeup is a part of feeling more secure because it's covering up what their natural face sort of looks like. So the intention behind the things that we do around grooming or changing our bodies, maybe you want to work out, maybe you want to do something to be more flexible, all of those things can come from a really good place, you can do whatever you want to do, but the acceptance of ourselves as good enough just as is is a great place to start to grow those things from. And it's easy, Cara, I mean lots of times people will just be like, well fuck people who think you're hairy, but in reality there are people who are gonna discriminate against us because of those things, and that doesn't feel good, and so it's kinda not enough to just be like well, eff those people, it's a whole reconditioning that then we need to do about feeling sexy. And so we never see images of hairy people, particularly hairy women that are seen as sexy, right? Like I don't think I've ever seen Beyond with leg hair. So, we don't have that kind of content that actually helps us see versions of sexy that include bodies like ours, hairy bodies, fat bodies, jiggly bodies, tall bodies. We see kind of like a very limited view of what's beautiful and so that kind of factors into how we feel shy in the bedroom 'cause we feel like we're not the version of sexy that everyone is worshipping and everyone's desiring to have. Mecky says, I think for us men it's mainly size or not lasting long thanks to standards imposed by messed up porn. Mecky, that's so important, yeah, that's like really a big one for men, you know, having a big penis and being able to have sex and stay hard for hours on end, like these are all really unrealistic standards, and the standards don't mean that porn stars are having better sex, I mean the standards are also removing our ability to find desire in men's bodies outside of phallic-centered sex. So outside of penis-centered sex. So when the hard on is over, all of a sudden sex is done. And so for those of us that sleep with penises we know that it's not only about the dick. So whenever I'm talking to someone and they send me a dick pic, I'm like, well, A, I didn't want that, and B, I don't care about the dick, like I care about the person attached to the dick, and then I only care about the dick once the dick is like doing other things for me, including the person attached to it is affectionate or the person attached to it is kinky or the person attached to it is hilarious and really good at touch and communication. So for sure that's a really big one, and it's also reinforced by people who don't have penises who like people with penises and we think that we have to be desiring and lustful for the standards that porn has set for us and that's not always true either. So I think in those situations, Mecky, it almost works to kind of helping us develop our connection to non penis-centered sex and decentering the idea of size and length of arousal being one of the things we can kind of rely on as sexy, like there are so many other things, like there are so many other erogenous zones other than a dick. Like what other erogenous zones do you have? Like for me my back is like a second clit, I would love someone to like spend hours kissing my back from top to bottom. For lots of people the anus is a sex organ, for lots of people like their wrist or anywhere where there's a lot of blood flow close to the area of the skin can feel really erogenous. Also around penis size and lasting long there are things that are really important about that old saying, like the motion of the ocean, like it really, and size does matter for some people because size can be a fetish for some people so they can have like a particular connection to the aesthetic and the feeling of really big penises. And for other people it can also be about having the performance stamina to be able to give pleasure, and this pleasure doesn't have to be phallic-centered. So, so many studies have been out that are talking about women, women of all sexual orientations but particularly women who are heterosexual or bisexual who are engaging in sex with penises on occasion, that the three most important things have absolutely nothing to do with the D. So, it's around deep kissing, really good fingering, and pussy eating. So having skills for anyone with a big dick or a small dick or a really long lasting dick or a not long lasting dick is pretty amazing. And also for men there can be for men and for people with penises there can be an issue around not being able to come or not being able to orgasm from particular kinds of sex. So you may shy away from blowjobs or handjobs if you only come from P in V, if you only come from penetrative sex that involves a penis. So for lots of people that can feel like another area to be shy about, it's like well I can't come and you really want to give me a blowjob and you're gonna take it personally if I don't come, and that's sort of like also having the words to be able to communicate to your partner. So I really it if someone tells me that, then I'm like, oh, I don't care, I just want to spend like an hour down here worshiping your dick. And so for the people receiving the shyness or the discomfort or the unconfidence, we can help reaffirm that, no, I'm having a great time, I'm loving what's happening, this is not the most important thing. You relaxing and feeling sexy makes me feel sexy. So even talking about you can support each other through our insecurities, whether that's casual or long-term, a lot of times people feel that casual sex doesn't have the types of intimacy that long-term partnerships can offer, but that's not necessarily true. You create that intimacy through deciding to be vulnerable and present, and one of those ways is talking about the things that hold you back from having the kind of sex that you want to have, and so that could be shyness, that could be insecurity, it could be body stuff. Hijean says fat shamed by current, long-term, only ever partner, working to leave but have fears around that, plus experience, plus, plus, plus. Hijean, I'm sending you hugs, because we forget that it takes a lot of courage to be able to leave a relationship that's not working and sometimes people on the outside are just like, why don't you leave, just leave? And I was in a nine-year marriage and I probably should have left around year six, and I stayed because I just wasn't ready. And so you'll leave in the time that's good for you and in the meantime this is a lot of unraveling and grieving that's happening for you. My self-confidence after leaving my relationship was pretty poor, and my partner was actually really good at helping me celebrate my body, but we were sexless so I didn't have that feeling of desirability. And I still really struggle with feeling desirable, so I don't notice when people are flirting with me, I don't notice when people are attracted to me because I don't see, fundamentally, I have moments, I have moments of like great sexual, like lust and attraction and I can accept it once we've decided to have sex, but in these social sort of flirting, dating situations I often am missing those types of cues because I have to reset my understanding of my desirability. So Hijean, yeah, fat shaming is awful, and when it happens to us it really sticks with us. And particularly fat shaming because it's even if you want to feel good, Hijean, the world outside is telling you that you're not good enough, that fat is bad, and then to have an intimate partner say that to you, that's very painful. And so overcoming some of that stuff does require our own introspection and healing and for some of us therapy, I see an indigenous healer working on some of my stuff, I also see a therapist. So there are things that are deeply rooted for us that require really long-term work, and then there are things for us and mostly some of the tips that I'm gonna share with you that are trying to recondition the way that we cope with our shyness. And so some of that reconditioning is more about developing new habits and eliminating some of the self-talk that we have that's negative. And so it can help for you, Hijean, maybe cushion this period before you were working to leave. But I feel you, I'm giving you a big hug. Yeah, Mecky says, so what was his problem, like you messed up the bed or something? No, I think he just thought it was really messy, I'm pretty sure he thought it was, like similar to pee. I don't know what the fuck his problem was, like I was just so shocked and I'm so mad that now I have to do this work to get over it. But it's also about just kind of I was really proud that I said, but this is just what my body does and this is just what my body is. So at that moment I actually got turned off. And so a lot of us in those moments will still try to please our partners and still try to be like, oh, okay, well I'll just go shower off, and I was like get the fuck out. And that's easy for me because they're casual, and for some people it's also not easy in casual because these are the moments where we're getting our sexual fix, right? We're getting the touch that we need, we're getting the sex that we need, we're getting the expression of our sex that we need, and so sometimes we put up with stuff because we allow our shyness and our insecurity to kind of operate and receive whatever's coming because it's like, well, this is what we have right now. Yeah, pubic hair is a huge one, I think we have a pube stream coming up with sister girl sexpert so stay tuned for that. Cinderhella says I get mad distracted in the bedroom because of double standards, my partner loves me shaven but can't be bothered to wax or shave his balls despite me asking and talking about this with him. Cinderhella, that is so real, thank you so much for dropping that, 'cause that is so real. I mean God forbid I have hairy armpits in between the time where I need to grow them in to actually wax them, and there's very little grooming expected of masculine bodies. And having the confidence to kind of say, well, I'm gonna grow this in until you shave yours. And also I think the rule for me that I use is like, whatever feels sexy on you. So if you feel sexy shaven, great. If you feel sexy with a bush, great. I will find my way around, I will navigate things. And you can also try and make those, if you're in a partnership like Cinderhella where you want to be able to do this together, self grooming each other is a very erotic practice. I had someone once who wanted to shave me, and I was like, all right, I'm just gonna do this for shits and giggles, let me see what this is like. I hated it growing back in, but the experience of it, like standing in the shower and watching this person groom and sort of take care of me and talk to me about what are they gonna do to me after I'm like completely hairless, I thought it was really hot. So you can also try something like that, or come to a compromise around like I have this amazing little trimmer, and it's fantastic and so sometimes I'll use it on people where I'm just like, hey, can I like manscape you down there? Can I do this? 'Cause I would just love to kind of be like a little hairdresser for your pubes. And if they're open to it, then it can be really fun and they still get to keep most of their hair, but that's a tough one because the whole hair industry is really directed at feminine bodies. And it's so, so ridiculous the double standard. If you're curious about reading more about sort of the history of hair removal and the double standard, the Atlantic had a really good article last year, so Google that. Mecky says, I remember Dawn Serra saying on Sex Gets Real sometimes I just enjoy having great sexy moments with my boyfriend with his cock being soft. If only this is the kind of sex ed people get the world would be a better place. Yeah, absolutely, I like soft dicks, and often I have to reassure people because I know that penis owners often feel that people are only interested when their dick is hard and able to do penetration. And I actually really like a soft dick because you can do different things with it than you can do with a hard dick. So you can tug a lot more on a soft dick. You can fit a whole soft dick in your mouth. You can talk with a soft dick like tucked into your cheek, so there's different things that you can do at different levels of hardness. Sophie says, my boyfriend feels really self-conscious during sex as before our relationship I had lots of casual sex with girls and boys. He thinks he's not as good as them or my other experiences no matter how many times I tell him that he is. How can I help him feel more confident and forget about this? That's amazing, Sophie, that's amazing that you are seeking support for this because this is a really common thing and I also experience it. I often don't really bring up my experience because I'm already anticipating things, and so that's part of my shyness. I'll have a shyness around my experience or the types of things that I'm into, 'cause I'm kinky. And so for a lot of us, experience is a really big point of not feeling confident. I find one way is to recreate or to create new experiences that are unique to that person to also help build and affirm that they are giving you also something that is really special and unique with you together. So that could be like talking about what fantasies do you have, what kind of things have you masturbated to or watched in porn that you would actually maybe like to consider doing in reality, like what can we cocreate together? Kind of talking about carving these new pathways of connection for yourself and then being able to enjoy and sexsplore together can build a partner's confidence who's kind of shy about their experience. And your boyfriend may be shy about his experience because of the contrast to your experience, Sophie, but he could also just be shy about it. So it really has nothing to do with if you had three partners or 90 partners, some people also just feel like because they've only had a few partners or they haven't had as many gender diverse partners or kink diverse sex experiences that somehow that makes them less of a good lover. And so we all know that, I mean, sex doesn't necessarily depend on how many lovers that you've had. There's so many people that have had a shit ton of lovers and they are awful at sex because they're not respectful, they're not responsive, they're not communicative. So trying to create new experiences together might be one way, and also you sharing fantasies that you may want to do but you haven't done before could be one way about it, and also talking with him and holding that space for him if he really wants to express how it makes him feel about your experience and having that conversation outside of a sexual situation so that you can tease out if there's other things that are connected to that. So if he feels his performance isn't as good, then you could be like, okay, well, why don't you eat me out and then I'll tell you if it's a one or a 10. So you can kind of be playful with some of this awkwardness because awkwardness is authentic, awkwardness is actually what's just happening for us and that just tumbles out of us kind of unpolished. And so that is also a way of like redefining our sexiness is having this awkwardness that doesn't feel like it's something that doesn't have a place in our sexual spaces. We can be playful with it, we can kind of joke with each other, we can support each other. We can do fun things together like go shopping for sex toys together, or like watching one of the streams together and really seeing like, oh, there's new things for us to discover. You're welcome, Hijean. Aw, thanks Cinderhella, thank you so much for that, thanks for the cute emojis, I love emojis. Justin, thank you for welcoming everyone and reminding everyone of the tip jar. If you're new to O.school, we work for tips on O.school, so use the tip jar if you're liking what you're hearing, you're liking the conversation, you're liking the tips. I still haven't even gotten to the five tips for you, your questions and your comments are so amazing, so please keep dropping them in the chat if there are things that you feel insecure about or things you feel unconfident about or things that you feel shy about in the bedroom, either with yourself or with your partners, definitely let me know and we can talk about your specific situations. 'Cause so many of us have had different pathways to the point where we're at right now. Some of us have had really poignant experiences that have shaped the way that we feel confident in the bedroom and we remember those experiences, they've left imprints on us. I was talking a little bit about the time that I got squirt shamed and now I'm all shy about my squirt and so I have to work through that. Lots of us have talked about body confidence and body shyness in the bedroom from either being too hairy or too fat or maybe you're not flexible enough, also around dick size and dick performance and staying hard long enough, like everyone wants to fuck like a pornstar and that's just not realistic for most of us. Sophie, you're so welcome, you're so welcome, I hope those tips are something maybe you can try and hopefully kind of build a connection through dealing with this, 'cause it sounds like you both have a good sense of what's happening and maybe you just need to kind of try a different way of approaching it. Hijean says Sophie can maybe express her view of the emotional difference between casual and connected sex. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, that's a good one too. For me, casual sex is still very connected, so I can experience kind of intimacy and lust and trust in a one night, whereas I didn't have that intimacy in like a nine-year marriage. So definitely it can be the other way, it can be like lots of people have a better or a stronger emotional investment when they're in a long-term committed relationship than they do when they're having casual sex. So I guess it depends on the kinds of views you have around your experiences with casual sex, Sophie. But that's a great one Hijean, thanks for suggesting that. Mecky says, you just said sometimes you're ashamed of sharing talking about your experiences with some partners for kinks you like, so why would we feel ashamed of our kinks? I don't know what you're asking, Mecky. Can you rephrase it, Mecky, I don't really understand what you're asking. Are you asking like why some people are shy about their kinks? Okay, so while Mecky's typing that in for me, I'm gonna talk a little bit about how sometimes we think that people are noticing the things that we're kind of freaked out about and that we feel insecure about. And remember during sex, and especially really good sex, we have testosterone floating around, we've got dopamine, we've got oxytocin, we have all these feel-good chemicals, and so that cloudiness and that erotic space that those chemicals create in our bodies also make us kind of blind to things that we may judge outside of sex. So sometimes the things that we think people are noticing are not actually what people are noticing. Now, if you have a partner that is actively noticing things and creating this insecurity for you, then that's one path to be able to address that with them. But either way, if it's not the partner doing it and it's kinda coming from your own internal tape, you can still use your own practices to be able to soften or cushion the jaggedness of those thoughts and those insecurities and how they kinda cut through the sexual chemistry and energy that we're having. I need to drink water, sorry people. Okay. Mecky says, I mean if people want to be with us even for something casual, they should be okay with all of our sides, kinky and decent ones, but is there what we can call decent sex? Yeah, absolutely Mecky, like ideally someone would accept us for all of the things that we bring to the table, but sometimes, especially if you're having casual sex or even if you're in a committed relationship, sometimes people aren't comfortable and sometimes our desires change. So maybe we got together five years ago and in the last five years I've discovered I really like bondage. And also sometimes people have a particular, they have a particular stigma that they attach to certain kinks, and kink is seen as very deviant for most people, so we see like normal, what we call normal or vanilla sex, and then we see kink as like extra. And so not only is there shame around kink, but there's also shame in kind of what Sophie mentioned in that I may be more experienced in all of these things so maybe I don't enjoy just regular or vanilla sex. My favorite thing ever is kissing. I love kissing, I could kiss for like six hours, like that's what makes me super great whether I'm being a sadist or a kinkster or whether I'm being more romantic or vanilla sex. So a lot of kinksters do experience that, people sort of like already have an idea and a value system based on the types of things that we're into. Okay, so we've got 20 minutes, keep dropping in the chat if there are things that you feel shy about or that you feel insecure about or that you've been with partners and they feel shy about and how that has affected you, because sometimes when we're with a partner that is shy or not as confident, it can also make us feel unconfident because we're reading their reservedness or their smallness or their containment around their desire and their lust as being not into us. So we may be thinking because doesn't want to have sex with the lights on or they don't want to be on top or something like that, that maybe they aren't as into us as we think they are. So it can be really like kind of off-putting for those of us who feel sexually confident. Like sometimes if I'm with someone who's not a strong dirty talker or they're just not into dirty talk or they're shy about dirty talk, I'm like, hello, are you there? Is anyone in there, give me some feedback, give me something, you know? Or sometimes a lot of us are really quiet during sex because we've mostly had sex and learned to masturbate when we've been living in places with a lot of other people. So you got your thin walls between your bedroom and your roommates or your family, you know, and so you're not used to kind of being this like voracious, sexually expressive person. So here are the five things that I'm gonna give you for thinking about how you can overcome shyness in the bedroom. So one of them is to really consider what it is that puts you in a sexy state of mind. It might be a particular item of clothing, maybe it's like a cock ring or, I don't know if cock ring's considered clothing, but let's go with that, or kind of underwear or color or red lips or it could also be a practice, so maybe it's trimming your pubes or waxing your balls or it could also be something that kinda helps you feel sexy. So maybe it's dancing in the shower, maybe it's taking a bath, maybe it's cleaning your ass before your butt date. For me, what I like to do is I'll get dressed in whatever I'm gonna wear and then I put on sexy music and then I dance around like a stripper. Because I want to feel in my body, I want to get out of my head of any like nervousness, so I'll dance around in front of the mirror. If you don't like looking at yourself, just dance around and close your eyes. You don't have to be looking at yourself in a voyeuristic way, that could make you feel really uncomfortable, but you can kind of feel your movement. And slow it down, like feel how sexy you are when you're slow. Also think about what takes away from your sexiness, so what negative self-talk are you constantly repeating? Is it that once you lose the last 10 pounds or once your belly is flatter or once your dick is bigger or once you've mastered not ejaculating. Is that what's gonna be your ultimate gain to sexy? Like what negative things are you telling yourself that are causing you to not be sexy right now? So for some people writing those out is really important, and for some people discussing them with their partner can be a really vulnerable and intimate experience. And for other people just even saying them out loud. Sometimes what I do is I'll write them on like sticky notes, and then I'll write all of them and put them all over the place and then I'll tear them up. And so for some of us rituals really help us move through the thought patterns that we've created based on our past experiences and also based on some of the trauma that we're holding around our bodies feeling good as they are. Another thing is to slow it down and discover some more sensuality. So a lot of times in sex when we're feeling really shy, we don't want to engage parts of our bodies that could be erogenous zones or that we know are erogenous zones. So, for a long time I didn't want anyone touching my belly, it was like the area of my body that I hated the most, I felt so unsexy because of it, and so I didn't really want to be in a position where my belly was kind of hanging or that someone was gonna touch it or kiss it, I was like no, don't do that. And so I had to really develop a new relationship to my body and particularly my belly. So one thing that I find really good for getting comfortable with either a new partner or an existing partner is giving an erotic massage that avoids the go-to erogenous zones. So you're avoiding sort of like nipples, ass, and genitals. So you're giving this erotic massage, and put them on their stomach so they're not looking at you, put on your favorite sexy song, maybe it's Nine Inch Nails, fuck you like an animal, maybe it's The Weeknd, which is like on replay at my house all the time. And just set the mood, put out candles, and give them an erotic massage. So there's a difference between trying to just touch someone and massage them and you're trying to like feel someone. So feel the curves of their body, feel their muscles, feel their fat, feel their hairiness, feel whatever. This kind of helps you create empathy through your touch, but it also puts you in a sexier state of mind and allows you to slow things down so that you're building arousal between you and them. So the first one was thinking about what makes you go into a sexy state of mind and doing some of those things and the second one is sensual, developing your sensual skills and also slowing down your foreplay and your sex. So I have three more for you. But I'm gonna answer some of your questions here. Mecky's smiling, awesome. Hey Anna! Andy Dandy says, do you run into situations where you really want to make out for hours, but there is others who just do it for a second then move on? I find that people often put fun things like kissing and grinding into that ignored foreplay place which is whack, asking for a friend. Yeah, Andy Dandy, I definitely think that there are situations where people think that parts of sex like making out and like touching or grinding or over-the-clothes play is something you do on your way to actual sex. And so they ignore it as a part of sexy time where you can actually go really deep into those activities and really experience multiple levels of pleasure from them because of the length of time or the comfort level and intensity that happens when you're doing it for more than five seconds. And this could be because they've had partners before where they weren't allowed to really have that sensuality, it could also be because they feel like they need to skip over those parts in order to get to whatever the gold is. So the gold is like penis and vagina. If the gold is penetration of another kind, if the goal is orgasm. And so slowing things down is definitely a part of that and using your words to slow things down, so if you're making out and you're kissing I often will say, I could do this for hours, I could taste you for hours. And so just really communicating that I'm enjoying this, that it's not just something that you're doing to get to a next stage, that this is part of me feeling really sexy. So I hope that helps Andy Dandy. So another one, another tip, so I've got three more for you, so another one is focus on what you're feeling. So if during sex you kind of are looking down and you're watching your stomach jiggle or you're watching your thighs clap or you're watching your small dick, whatever it is that you already feel self conscious about, you can close your eyes, you can ask to be blindfolded, you can ask to blindfold your partner. So by reducing one of your senses like sight you're actually enhancing all of your other senses that are available to you. And so by increasing that enhancement, that sensory type of play helps us be more present during sex, it helps bring us into the present moment and out of our sort of like head and our intellectualness. So closing your eyes and really starting to focus on what you're feeling, so does this feel good, where are parts of your bodies that feel like full and swollen, like is it your pussy, is it your dick, are you sweating, are you loving just like not knowing where someone's hand is gonna go next? So all of those things can help us connect to our sexiness that isn't dependent on our body or performance, on our body acceptability or our performance acceptability. You're welcome, Andy Dandy. Okay, so that's that. That was three, you have three, all right. So another one is really thinking about changing your view of what's sexy, and I talked about being a kinkster, and I feel for kinksters because we have to talk about everything so much because we need to talk about boundaries and we're playing with really intense motions or feelings. Kinksters also get an opportunity to, excuse me, put some of that stuff on the table around our emotional needs. And our emotional needs can include things that make us feel confident or the things that we need in place to make us feel confident. And so whether that's about like I don't want attention to this particular area of my body but I love attention to this area of my body, that can feel really engaging for people to change what's sexy. Also sometimes kinksters develop or they're interested in particular fetishes, like I never thought about my legs or my feet as something that was part of my sexiness. And engaging in like foot fetish play or foot massages or things like that was really a fun way to kind of like eroticize those parts of my body. So exploring fantasies together can be really cool. I had a couple of them that I really enjoyed and they actually had a Tumblr that they were sharing and so they would post sexy Tumblr images to show each the types of things that they were into. If you're single and you're having casual sex, you can also use a Tumblr to collect the kinds of things that you find are sexy for your own self or it's something that you could share with a casual partner to be like, yo, boo, this is what I'm into. But you can also use it for yourself to really curate images of sexy that we don't normally see delivered to us. So, someone mentioned hairiness, someone mentioned small dicks, and so finding images of sexy that include maybe the activities or something other than whatever our insecurity is about can be really powerful for changing the way that we see sexiness and we see our own sexiness. So changing your view of what's sexy, really broadening that view and questioning where things that turn you off have actually been part of your socialization of what's beautiful and what's sexy. And your last one is, okay, so this is your homework, all right, this is where you get homework. Your last one is masturbate. So masturbation can help us a lot with shyness and insecurity in the bedroom because it's our connection to our own types of self stimulation and self pleasure and all the possibilities that are in our body. Most of us still really masturbate or many of us masturbate like very quietly and we're not kind of like going all out, we don't put on music or candles for ourselves for masturbation, we like get 'er done, it becomes a really physical activity. And that can be really fun, you can get off and go to work and do your day. But you can also use masturbation as a vehicle for changing your relationship to attraction, arousal, and your fantasies. And so masturbation can be one way where maybe you use sound. So maybe if you're not used to hearing yourself during sex, during masturbation you can try to moan louder or maybe dirty talk, and you may feel silly the first time that you do it, but sound, again, remember what I said about sensory play? When you enhance sound, then all of your other senses also get engaged so that you can have this multi sensory experience. So if there's more pleasure to be had out of masturbation, you want it, right? You want this, you want all these things. So not only sound but I've started a few years ago with trying to gyrate during masturbation, so gyration of your hips and your genital area is powerful because it's not only moving physically the energy around it, but it also feels sexy, you're doing like a body roll for your masturbation, which is awesome. You're also doing kind of this what we would use that type of body roll or that type of movement or that type of gyration during different types of sex. So you're getting comfortable with that movement and you're creating a pleasure connection to it because you're masturbating. It's also hot, it feels really good, and you start to get more control over your body and your orgasm and the ways that you orgasm. The other part of masturbation that really helps us with confidence and decreasing shyness in the bedroom is around edging. So whether you have a vulva or a penis, you can use edging which is a form of kind of touching yourself and self pleasuring yourself to just near peaks of your climax or your orgasm and then pulling away, so slowing it down. So it's like you're teasing yourself, and when you're teasing yourself, you're creating more arousal, more blood flow, and you're also learning to pace your desire within sex so it isn't a race to finish. Now, sometimes you're gonna want the quickie, but this is working on our confidence, right? So if you have a desire to kind of improve your orgasmic performance or the way that you come or how you come, orgasm is a great way to discover new ways and new engagements of our body and our breath to be able to have more pleasure out of our sex with other people. So there you go, you have five tips, so I'm gonna read them again for you. So the first one was think about what makes you go into a sexy state of mind, so is it dancing, is it a particular type of clothing, is it a cock ring, is it a butt plug, is it watching porn? Whatever it is that puts you into a sexy state of mind that makes you feel sexy. For me it's dancing around like a stripper. Number two is sensual and slow skill. So I remember I talked about giving an erotic massage and really feeling someone, like feeling them through your touch and not just sort of touching, and feel how that sexiness happens for you as well and how you're moving your body slowly along there, maybe use different parts of your body to give the massage. Another one is focus on feeling, so focus on closing your eyes or getting blindfolded or blindfolding your partner and tune in to something other than the aesthetic. The aesthetic, if that's what's triggering you, if that's what's making you feel really unsexy 'cause you notice your flabby stomach or your small dick, then kind of retrain yourself to absorb sexiness from not just the areas where you've concentrate a lot of your shyness and your unconfidence. And that can be really tough, but over time practice and ritual and habit you start to break some of that learning that we've done, 'cause all of this you've learned, none of this actually true, your dick isn't too small, your arms aren't too hairy, your body isn't too fat. We've just learned that there's a very narrow view of what's considered sexy or beautiful. So another one is masturbating. So we just talked about masturbation and, oh, changing your view of what's sexy, so create that dirty Tumblr, talk about different fantasies, read erotica, get new inspirations for your sexy and really bring it to life with yourself or with your partners. All right, Justin, thank you for dropping all of my links. So that's our, wow, that flew by, right? Thank you so much for being so vulnerable in sharing all of your insecurities. It's kind nice to know like I'm not the only one. We all have insecurities out there, and we can still manage to have really great sex by learning how to manage them and what we need in order to be supported, to cushion them or to work through them. So on Thursday I'm gonna be teaching sex toys for two, so tune in if you're available for that. And if you miss some of my streams, so you missed dirty talk last night or you missed pegging last week or eat pussy like a champ, sign up for my newsletter, there's a link right on the homepage of my website and I'll be sending out short summary videos and so you can have access to those as well if you are interested in any of that content. I also offer Skype coaching, so one-on-one or couples, lots of couples come to me if they're interested in having a threesome and how do they make that into reality. Lots of women are also very interested in developing their feminine dominant side, so I love working with women who are interested in that. So Justin's dropped all the links for you there. And also, 'kay, are you ready? Okay, look at these beauties that I made yesterday. Aren't they gorgeous? So they're nipple pasties, and they're available in my Etsy shop, so Justin dropped the link for you there. And I'm making so many for pride, so if you're looking for something to wear for pride I've got so much stuff that, there are these cute little mermaid shells, aren't they adorable? And my peg the patriarchy shirts are also in my Etsy shop. So check me out, find me, come back to another stream. I'm so happy that you were here tonight, and stay tuned, check out the calendar, there are so many different streams coming up every day, lots of pleasure professionals teaching on everything from kink to relationships to dating to pride and queer issues, lots here, and if you have something that you would like to see us teach and that we're not currently teaching, Justin left you the last link there which is pleasure questions, so if you have a question or a topic that you would like to see us stream on leave it there. If I can't teach it, I'll bring it back to another pleasure professional and hopefully we'll get a stream on it for you. Thank you for all of you that tipped tonight, your generosity means so much, I totally appreciate it and I had a great time chatting with you tonight, and I hope to see you on another stream. Thank you, Mecky. Thank you Justin for moderating, and thank you for everyone that was chatting and for all of you that were lurking and you weren't chatting tonight. Come and chat with me next time, I will see you in the chat next time. Thank you Hijean, thanks Kelly. Bye!

5 Tips for Overcoming Shyness in Bed

Date
Mon
Jun 11, 2018
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3:00 pm
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Calendar
Monday, June 11, 2018
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3:00 pm

Body shy? Worried about performance? Insecure about your experience level? Sex is a skill and we’re always learning. Tune in for tips on building body confidence, finding your own version of sexy and communicating your desires.

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