We're In Love, But Our Sex Life Sucks

You love your partner but the sex isn't the best. Do you leave them? Talk to them? Masturbate more? Join this stream to learn about the different ways to explore chemistry and desire, increase communication and how to build better sex with your boo.

We're In Love, But Our Sex Life Sucks

We're In Love, But Our Sex Life Sucks

We're In Love, But Our Sex Life Sucks

Updated
July 26, 2019
Medically Reviewed by
3 minute read

Most of us buy into the fantasy that once we’re in love, everything falls into place and we’ll have a happily ever after. We’re soon hit with the hard reality, however, that a relationship — even the most loving ones — need constant care and attention

In this stream, intimacy and relationship coach Micki Allen talks about what to do if you love your partner, but your sex life is suffering. 

You can begin by identifying any external factors affecting libido — medication, mental health issues, work hours and schedule, kids, changing bodies and self-perceived flaws, etc. It can take a lot to work through these things — whether that’s trying different meds, experimenting with a regimented schedule to help anxiety, seeing a nutritionist, or telling your partner how you feel. But simply defining and talking about the external factors takes honesty and vulnerability, and this form of communication, in and of itself, can be an intimate experience. 

Besides being emotionally intimate through communication, you can try exploring other forms of intimacy before attempting physical intimacy. You can be spiritually intimate, for example, by connecting through touch that isn’t necessarily sexual. You can be intellectually intimate by connecting on ideas, books, or ways of seeing the world. You can be experientially intimate by sharing new bonding experiences like traveling, or simply going on a hike together.  These forms of intimacy can help bring you to a place where you’re comfortable discussing your wants, needs, and desires and trusting that your partner will be receptive. You can either communicate your wants and needs, or figure those things out together through sensual massage or pleasure mapping

“[...] pleasure mapping is sort of seeing your body as a map, and discovering all of the ways your body can feel pleasure, by touch or by stroke, even by tasting certain things, or hearing certain things,” says Allen.  

Pleasure mapping and having honest conversations about your do’s and don’ts can also be a technique to try if you feel your partner is a bad lover or that you’re not sexually compatible. Sex, like any other skill, can be developed and the first step is knowing what you want. If you want your partner to be more sexually adventurous, or explore kink, Allen suggests finding a movie — not porn — where your kink is represented. This can initiate conversation around it. Ask what they think, if they thought it looked interesting, if they’d like to try something like that. While this may seem a bit forward, the only way to get the sex you want, is to ask. Of course, this is very vulnerable as your requests may be rejected, but that is all part of learning your partner’s sexual boundaries. It’s important to respect those boundaries, but if your partner feels open to having those boundaries eventually pushed, take things slow. 

No matter how much we love our partner, or how long we’ve been together, physical intimacy issues are bound to arise at some point. Just remember, communication is the best entryway into other forms of intimacy: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential. Exploring intimacy in ways that don’t involve sex — even if that’s intimately talking about the issue — can eventually lead to great sex.

Micki Allen

Reviewed for Medical Accuracy

Certified life coach and sex educator Micki Allen bases her work both in sexual technique and Christian values of love, joy and grace. Micki helps women and genderqueer people enrich their intimate lives and identify needs and boundaries; she also assists clients with healing from religious shame and trauma.

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