Being inundated with messages about what a perfect dating and sex life looks like, can make us feel like we aren’t good enough or even deserving of love — especially if we are considered “fat.” 

To help us unlearn some of those harmful societal messages, sex educator Luna Matatas talks to us about dating, dealing with fat phobia and rejection, and how to feel sexy when we don’t fit conventional standards of beauty. 

Fat phobia is so prevalent, it even dictates our choices when it comes to who we date: A person may not date a “fat” person for fear of societal judgment. On the flip side, Matatas points out that “it’s actually insulting for many people that someone who is considered fat would actually have standards and expectations for respect.” 

Body positivity —acceptance of larger bodies — is making it’s way more and more into our culture, but we still have a long way to go. And while most of us feel some level of body shame and insecurity, it’s not quite the same for those who fit the norm. “[...] the difference is, is that the thin person's shame around their body isn't confirmed when they go out into the real world.” 

We are made to believe we can only be happy and successful if we change our bodies. But “the problem is not your fat body, it's the way that society sees your fat body,” says Matatas.  “Think about what kind of beauty standards you're internalizing for the people you're attracted to because once you start unlearning them in an outward facing way, you also have more empathy for yourself when you're experiencing fat phobia or when someone rejects you because of fat phobia.” 

If you’re having trouble finding the things you like about yourself, Matatas says you can try looking in a mirror and spending ten seconds calling out all the things you may not like about yourself, be it your thighs, your eyebrows, your tummy ,etc. Then, immediately spend the next ten seconds complimenting the parts you do like. Maybe you don’t like your tummy, but you love how juicy it looks, for example. 

Another way Matatats suggests unlearning fat shame is to curate your content. Surround yourself with media that highlights people who represent your body type and are viewed as sexy. This can help you redefine “sexy” for yourself. When dating as a bigger person, Matatas says, “You need someone who can love up all of that lusciousness. You need someone who can adore and really respect that you are also more than a body that your beauty is only one part of your package.” 

Unlearning a lifetime of fat shame isn’t easy, and it can be hard to take compliments or even to learn to dress in ways that show you want to be noticed. But understanding where fat shame comes from and how to navigate the dating space as a person who is a bigger size are important first steps toward unpacking the shame.