5 Tips For Overcoming Shyness In Bed

Body shy? Worried about performance? Insecure about your experience level? Sex is a skill and we’re always learning. Tune in for tips on building body confidence, finding your own version of sexy and communicating your desires.

5 Tips For Overcoming Shyness In Bed

5 Tips For Overcoming Shyness In Bed

5 Tips For Overcoming Shyness In Bed

3 minute read

If you want to have a great time in bed, it helps to be confident in yourself, your body, and with your partner. But most of us deal with instilled body shame, so this level of comfort can take time and practice. 

In this stream, sex educator Luna Matatas gives us five tips for overcoming shyness in bed. 

1. Consider what puts you in a sexy state of mind. 

This could be a particular outfit that makes you feel sexy, a particular setting or place, it could be a sex toy you love; it could also be a practice, like dancing in the shower. Noticing the things that make you feel sexy, can help you feel in your body. 

“Also, think about what takes away from your sexiness? What negative self-talk are you constantly repeating?” asks Matatas. Are you constantly telling yourself you’ll feel better if you lose 10 pounds, or if your dick was bigger, etc.? Try writing those things out, try discussing them with a partner, or just try saying them out loud. You can ritualize exiting these thought patterns from your brain by writing them on paper and tearing them up. 

2. Discover your sensuality. 

“A lot of times during sex, when we’re feeling really shy, we don’t want to engage parts of our bodies that dcould be erogenous zones,” says Matatas. You may feel shy about your belly, for example, but paying special attention to that area as an erogenous zone can help you reclaim your sexy. Do an erotic massage with your partner that avoides the obvious erogenous zones, like the nipples or genitals.Feel the body through touch, feel the curves, feel what puts you in a sexy state of mind. 

3. Focus on what you’re feeling. 

If you’re feeling self-conscious watching your tummy jiggle, your thighs clap, or your small dick move, close your eyes. Instead of looking at the thing that’s making you feel shy or embarrassed, enhance your sensory experience of sex by focusing on the feelings you’re having. This can help us be more present during sex, and to connect to our sexiness that “isn’t dependent on our body or performance, on our body acceptibility, or our performance acceptability,” says Matatas.

4. Change your view of what’s sexy.

If you’re shy about certain parts of your body, eroticize other parts of your body you love, whether it’s your feet, legs, elbows, hair, etc. Focus on the body parts you don’t like, and ask yourself where the insecurity stems from. So much of our shame is socialized after all. Often, we don’t actually feel insecure about the body part, but about what someone might have said about the body part once. By identifying the source of your shame, you can work to make that body part beautiful and sexy in your mind again. 

5. Masturbate.

Masturbation can help a lot with shyness and insecurity in the bedroom because it’s our connection to our own types of self-stimulation and self-pleasure, and all the possibilities that are in our body,” says Matatas. Instead of using masturbation as just a physical way to get off, you can ritualize it as a way to work through insecurities. If you’re insecure about the way you sound in bed, for example, moan loudly during masturbation to get used to the way you sound and condition yourself to find it sexy. 

Overcoming shyness in bed takes lots of practice and time, but it is certainly possible. Once you feel more in your body and present, you can really start to maximize pleasure during sex — for both you and a partner.

Luna Matatas

Reviewed for Medical Accuracy

A vibrant pleasure educator and aspiring burlesque performer, Luna embraces the weird, wild and wonderful kaleidoscope of sexuality. Luna seeks to help students of all experience levels deconstruct their inner walls and approach their desires with playfulness, an open mind, and an empathetic spirit. Her O.school workshops on body love, pleasure, and play are refreshingly funny, warm and inviting.

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